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making me a new lane …

#bnw #portrait #pieces


fuck

it, then, them, us, yours, ours, hers, his, togethers, whens, whys, whoms & all the other(s) shit.


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

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duly noted:

some people ‘hide’ in the shelter of an institution.

no different than me hiding @ the beach.

i think my location is better though.

#JS.


kpm ©


 

.

i’m just tired.


kpm ©


 

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still a bit broken today … but

boom : i made 47 orbits bitches !


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

drag

drag culture.

i like it. not exactly sure why. probs has got something to do with the freedom of expression … but yeah …

so, yesterday i watched ‘paris is burning’ & i had quite a profound ‘Me’ revelation, as i do.

” unfold: ”

i was a teenager in the 80s. yes thats right, i’m an old fuck.

but i was a brown, ‘poor’, daughter of a christian single mother. layers of irony right there. & i found that christianity had no place for queer culture. no place for maori culture. no place for women. no place for me. no place for difference.

especially in the 80s.

i was raised in layers of confusion.

‘they’ weren’t confused. they believed their own bullshit.

i questioned it. i questioned the hypocrisy. i questioned the genuine-ness of it all. i questioned where ‘god’ was in their reality of christianity.

but i had no time to question my own sexual identity. especially layered on up-teenth sexual assault ‘issues’. & christianity had no place for any of that. there was only one right way to do sexual identity and that was at home in the bedroom with your ‘husband’ – if you were a biological woman anyways.

by default, my ‘rebellion’ came in the form of what i ‘looked like’. & that was a brown vagina.

i learned my culture was ‘wrong & uncivilised savagery’. & my ‘gender’ was just above that.

so i embraced as much as i could of the hip hop dance & music scene at the time. but it had to be smooshed with a tonne of ‘christain explanation’ to be applicable or tolerated in my world.

meaning? if it was for ‘out reach’ or winning damned brown souls from their misery, then it was semi-acceptable.

but drag culture? or homosexuality?

fuck No. there was no learning anything about that culture because according to the bible both were hell inducing ‘practices’. neither was deemed a way of life that wasn’t a choice per se. like my ethnicity.

i have been surrounded by queer persons, who were grappling with their own identities, all my life. like them, i was in my own way, trying to find where i fitted, as a brown vagina lol.

anyway, what i realised whilst watching ‘paris is burning’, is i had missed a whole ‘scene’ as i was growing up; that i was completely stoked with. i love the sounds, the freedom, the dance, the joy .. that is all an alternate reality, made by those who didn’t fit ‘mainstream’ & had decided to make their own thang.

i absolutely love that.

& while the hip-hop & dance culture that i thrived in, embraced some of the stuff that i needed, just imagine if i had found the ballroom scene! holy shit lol.

yes i may have been a straight brown vagina in amongst the queer nation lol, but i think i may have found my feng shui a lot sooner.

i guess this is a ‘what if’ kinda reminisce post full of shit that didn’t happen, but it is my attempt @ being sorta positive on a cunt of day lol.

gezus christ … i really do know how to waffle thats for sure!


kpm ©


 

an.to.explain.,why?

i could tell from the side ways glance , not of disdain, but surprise, that what i said was ‘too much’. from the facials, they thought, i thought, way too much of myself.

the discussion was around my ‘art’ … & how ‘neat’ (meaning good, or nice) it was.

it was suggested that because it was so ‘good’, i should enrol in university & do a BA in art.

now ‘most’ people would take that as a compliment slash suggestion-compliment, & take it as a well meaning comment.

however, me being me, thought: well if it’s actually so fucking ‘good’, then why do i need some other cunts approval? why do i then need to pay to go back to school & do art? i already do art.

so my reply was: ”

“yes i know its good, thank you.  if the university wants to give me a scholarship for a MA, not a BA, cos i already have one of those, then yes, i think i might consider it. if they can offer a range of ways for me to achieve a different scale of learning, that will fit my multiple ‘needs’, then yes, i might consider it.”

but that ‘compliment’ wasn’t intended as a compliment really.

it was a disingenuous way of saying: stay in your lane nigger. it aint that good.but could be aight if you went to the white mans college of learning & got your ass something more ‘marketable’.

thanks. but no thanks bitches.


kpm ©


 

peeps

but they’re just people.

hetero-normative, abled-bodied, big mouth, scary-ass

people.


kpm ©


 

today i’m a …

disabled cunt.

yep that’s what i feel like.

dis-fucking-abled.

most of the time i thoughtfully & purposefully take the time to re-write that script in my head, so i can come up with some clever fucking way of not feeling ‘out of the ordinary’, or disabled.

but there are a lot of fucking times when its virtually impossible to suck it up & change the narrative.

cos it is what it fucking is & its fucking annoying.

no i’m not in a fucking wheel chair & yes i should count my blessings, apparently. & no, being in a wheel chair doesn’t mean its the end of the fucking world either.

but i’m feeling for the peeps, like myself, today … who can’t do ‘mainstream living’ even if they wanted too.

why the sad sack tantrum?

today i wanted a burger.

not a job. not a car. not a house. not a sense of purpose. not racial equality.

no. just a simple fucking burger.

& the food truck with the burgers i like, is in our little town today. yippie.

EXCEPT:

its surrounded by literally hundreds of ‘fun run’ fuckers who aren’t interested in the fatty contents of said burgers, but whose ‘fun-running’ takes precedence in this fucking world. the cunts.

as much as i have progressed (well i fucking try anyways), & i can mingle a little; & i know how to take my panic fuck down from an 8 to a 3 with not as much effort as previously was needed … i am nowhere near ‘able-bodied’ enough to manoeuvre hundreds of hypo fitness fucks, in the daylight, by myself, to get a fucking burger.

nope.

no can do.

& instead of finding the positive in all of that clusterfuck, i’m fucked off, & thats it.

imagine if it was an easy thing – to feel so sure of oneself & the inclusivity that this world is afforded them, that Moi & peeps like Moi, were able to think … oh, i have *pts(d)* (insert whatever ‘disabled’ label thus likes here), but i know this ‘*function / event / restaurant / school / road / walkway ….*’ will cater to my needs somewhere in there, because thats the kinda cunts we are in this country … we’re inclusive cunts … oh yeah … so inclusive its just radiating out of our asses!!

NOT.

& so yeah … i’m fucked off.

i’m burger-less, disabled & fucked right the fuck off.

fuck pts(d). but fuck the system more,  that never will include & cater for everyone, no matter who we are & what we do.


kpm ©


 

me & music: the shorts.

i know i’ve done this sorta post before, but i can’t be fucked a. finding said repetitive post to make sure i’m not exactly repeating myself; exactly, b. linking to it & c. ahhh i just can’t be fucked.

i mean, @ the end of the fucking day, who cares whether i repeat myself except that pedantic little voice in own head that says its a No-No … & those blogger advice peeps who give super-duper but fucking tiring blogging advice. dudes, its waaayyy to much to live up too!

.

anyway ….

me & music.

we have a longstanding intimate relationship.

actually, other than being sexual assaulted, i think its one of the longest relationships i’ve had with something. ikr. don’t get to say that every fucking day ay!

what those white ‘professionals’ didn’t tell me, was that memories are attached to our senses. & yes, thats ‘good’ & ‘bad’ memories.

it’s why the smell of dampness makes me shake. & why the sound of doors shutting make me freeze.

it’s also why the smell of bacon & tomatoes makes me feel @ home. & why singing lullabies makes me smile.

essentially, i attached my memories to a shitload of various tunes throughout my lifetime … & fuck, i’m getting old now lol so theres quite a few songs holding quite a few memories.

but i do marvel @ the fact that, when my little body couldn’t hold anymore, i just hung it on a song. & i still do.


kpm ©


 

awkward fucker

thats me @ the moment.

awkward fucking fucker.

oh well …


kpm ©


 

1 thinks.

citing the old :  “but we’re all members of the human race” line, is like shopping in supre’ & believing the ‘one size fits all’ label.

#JS.


kpm ©


 

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sometimes …

sometimes, i get it.

i get why others ‘see’ me as they do. why they get confused & aren’t sure what ‘category’ their little brains should put me in, so that i am ‘relatable’.

i get why when it becomes too confusing, i’m ousted to the ‘too-hard-basket’.

i get why it’s easier to ignore my feng shui, than it is to acknowledge it even exists.

i get why i bust their algorithms & they hit the re-set button.

i fucking get it.

but …

is that all reason enough to de-value a motherfucker?

i don’t think so.

.

i was playing with the lighting for my photography the other day. i’m one of those ‘teach-thyself’ peeps you see. & what better subject to test my shizz on than myself lol.

anyway, after like 1,000 crapped out photos (ok, slight exaggeration!), i all of a sudden ‘saw’ it.

‘what did you see?’ i hear you ask LOL.

i saw ME.

& while i think i’m pretty normal (IKR), i got why i confuse ‘others’.

sitting on the ground, when there’s a ‘perfectly good ‘chair behind me …

in all black … as usual

no shoes … as usual

sporting my wu-tang t.shirt …

knitting …

with my recycled wool …

without a pattern …

with drumsticks instead of knitting needles … cos the knitting needles were too small & i’ll be fucked if i’m going to buy any more …

my brown-self, listening to ‘you’re mine’ by oscar & the wolf, through headphones cos it’s too loud at the moment …

drinking my distilled water …

and yes, i fucking got it!

i’m an irony. what would be ‘eclectic’ if i was to even be slightly categorised.

“an eclectic mental health mess.”

but i felt ok. all this made me feel ok. not great. not bad. just ok.

and yah know what … sometimes, ‘OK’ is all i really want.

so there yah have it … one of those ‘sometimes’ moments as explained by Moi.

*insert a huge ass eye ball roll lol*


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

some-day fuckery.

yah know, there are just ‘those days’, when as much & as hard as yah try, you just cant help seeing all that is wrong with something, instead of seeing both sides of the coin.

today be one of those bitch ass days.

as much as i tried to ‘go-with-the-flow’, it just wasn’t flowing how i wanted it too.

so i’m here.

typing out my grievances.

again.


kpm ©


 

me:

insides out

&

outsides in.


kpm ©


 

O.S.

classic Over Sharing:

them: ‘hi, how are you doing?’

me: ‘argh … bleeding like a stuck pig atm & peri-menopause is kicking my ass. & you?’

~ awkward silence ~

them: ‘oh, i’m good thanks.’

*bustles off quickly whilst avoiding direct eye contact*


kpm ©


 

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11 ks ay …

yep.

i managed to drive 11 ks out of our little town, right up to the main state highway.

see:

(shit photo i know, soz)

& when i got there, i was super proud of myself … of course lol & then …

i freaked out! big fat L O L. yep i had’a size 8 panic fuck cos i was excited cos i got that far;  which went to a 9.5 once i realised i hadn’t brought some of my ‘lessen-panic-fuck’ mojo with me & was starting to have a hot flush!

fuck me!

wtf the was i thinking!

however … upside is, obviously, i made it back!

i rang my mama whilst i was out there next to all the action lol, & told her how proud i was :)

so, she decided to come celebrate with me … coffee & cake of course!

i think that’s part of what got me home actually.

as proud as i was of my blelf, i learnt a few valuable lessons. one of course being, ‘double check yo bag bitch! before you leave the house!’ ; second …

as much as i want to be alright, i learned-did this day, that i’m not alright. not completely. & it’s gonna take a lot more small steps before i can drive freely.

when i got out to the main highway i was quite overwhelmed by all the noise & the movement of all the cars. the picture doesn’t portray that, but it was busier than what i was used too. & for all these years, i haven’t been able to navigate around all the extra noise & movement so have managed what i could. so, as i try to take more of all that stuff on again, its no wonder i felt overwhelmed.

i was absolutely fucking munted when i got home & ended up sleeping for like an hour!

even the following day, i slept in & felt like i had been run over by a fucking bus when i did wake up. i still feel a bit shattered actually, but am getting there.

good lesson learnt though. & a few exhausted moments are definitely worth it.

next time i’ll be more prepared.

yes there’ll be a next time. & little bit further afield <3


kpm ©


 

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ngaw, thanks WP …

i think i’ll forgive you for all the times you’ve screwed up my ‘liking ability’, or messed with the follow button, or sent me little notifications that you’ve switched something around, or you’ve just fucking switched shit around …

we are, after all, 4 years into this relationship …

lol.

nah, its been a ‘journey’ *adding deep flowy – earthing type music* …

& its been real yo !! xx


kpm ©


 

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photography .199

#dark #shadows #photography #kpm©


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

hmmm

so.

i learnt more about me, by watching season 10 of #DragRace,

than i did in fuck knows how many years of counselling.

wtf & thankyou Ru Paul.


kpm ©


 

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update on the hormone un-fuckery.

that last couple periods, i’ve been mapping them a bit closer than usual. since the confirmation of good old peri-menopause, i decided more than ever, that i needed to get a grip on this whole embracing the ‘womanhood’ thing.

i think the first time i was given pain meds for periods, i was about 13. it was the doctors opinion that i was being OTT & that kick ass pain killers would fix everything.

its kinda a crime, i reckon, that something as natural as menstruating, is diagnosed as an illness & an inconvenience, & is then ‘shut up’ or shut down. am i surprised really though? after all i’ve learnt over the years.

womanhood is despised instead of celebrated.

they forget that without that uterus of ours, there’d be no life.

anyway …

with a fine tooth comb, i went over all the ‘symptoms’ that are usually quite unbearable, related to perioding & menopause, cos for me they’re quite similar, just magnified.

i decided awhile ago to go with the natural route re ‘treating’ symptoms. which is a bit fucking hard really.

again … its a lot easier to just shut it down.

so, during these phases, i have the following things to manage: oh, as well as fucking (p)tsd!

  • sore tummy
  • sore boobs … like gonna from off your chest kinda sore!
  • itchy rashes, usually on the lower back
  • sore glands
  • itchy eyes & nose – similar to hayfever
  • cough
  • generally run down
  • gums bleed
  • dizzy
  • hot flushes
  • irritability (more than usual)
  • tearful
  • nauseous
  • achey body
  • headache
  • extreme vertigo
  • memory loss
  • sinus ache
  • panic attacks
  • increased general anxiety
  • sore throat
  • heavy bleeding / clotting
  • insomnia
  • increased sensitivity to light, smells & noise
  • shingles

yeah. thats about it in a nutshell.

so i trolled the symptoms & then the internet to find solutions.

i’m pretty gangstah like that.

& heres what i came up with:

  • remifemin –  helps calm the hot flushes & irritability & as a side effect, also lessens the anxiety.

  • magnesium sleep cream with lavender – helps lessen the anxiety & insomnia & has a cooling effect.

  • raspberry leaf tea – helps with the uterus & tummy cramps. i’ve been adding this to my ‘tea’ concoctions during period times

  • caraway seeds added to brown sugar & hot water for nausea & tummy cramps.

  • whilst trying to flush / detox my system, i’ve been using nettle tea added to oat straw (for anxiety), ginger (for vertigo), & sage (for mood). i’ve also added in half an iron tablet just before my period & stop them 3 days after i finish.

so, what’s the results for moi?

fucking awesome!

i was skeptical AF, as usual: but i pretty much had nothing to lose.

& i’m happy to report that all that shit above, the symptoms, were either completed alleviated & / or halved.

how fucking grateful am i????

hugely!!

& thats all i have to say about that ;)


kpm ©