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a new home ..

One of my old abstracts is making its way to a new home on the weekend … I’ll miss it … it holds a shitload of memories and feelings … but, time to let it go I feel ❤

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eulogy for my undies

ode to the undies

that have held

everything

in place ~

that have comforted

and hugged

the ass cheeks

on a long winters night ~

that have been the forever

faithfuls

the ‘go toos’

the reliables.

May you rest in peace,

albeit,

pieces.

 

They are to be

cremated …

this evening

sigh.

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365 reasons to smile ~ 45.

45. The fuck-it bucket 😆
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Facebook: Enchanted Minds

listen

“We talked…well sort of…now please just listen to me for a moment…don’t respond, just let me say what I need too…listen…process later.

When you were little…like in the photos of you and Grandad, that little…

You were cautious…but inquisitive. That’s what you should have been.

You were trying to find and occupy your space.

And I was right there with you…that little voice that said…

‘go on…touch it…break it…say no…scream…laugh…have a tantrum…’

Yep, that was me.

And you listened to me…for a long time.

But your still trying to listen for me. And I’m not that little voice on your shoulder, in your ear…anymore.

You know where I am?

I am what got left in the dark that day…I’m the one who stayed.

We’ve spoken of this before and you didn’t really want to hear it.

But you need to.

Understand this…I stayed for a reason.

I stayed there, to suffocate and to absorb. I stayed to take on what you didn’t need.

I stopped breathing. I felt the skin. I smelt the smells.

I did that so you could remain intact.

But you caught a glimpse and misunderstood what your purpose was.

Your purpose was to survive. To carry us to the next level.

It wasn’t my intention for you to carry guilt or remorse.

It wasn’t even my intention that you see or recollect anything of those moments.

They are MINE.

Let me keep those.

I want you to remember all those things that you’ve looked at recently.

All the good.

The memories of Grandad…going to work with him.

His stories. The smell of bacon frying in the morning.

The smell of frying tomatoes.

The feel of lots of ripe peaches…those ones that Grandad used to get in the sacks and spend eons bottling.

I want you to remember the smell of Nan’s flowers. Remember what they looked like when they all blossomed at once.

Remember the smell of the dirt that would come inside with her after she had been out there for hours.

Remember the bread you used to go and get for your Mum on Sundays…the one you’d hollow out and eat before you got home. Remember the smell of it? The feel of it.

Remember the sound of the old concrete mixer Grandad had…the smell of the concrete churning.

Remember the smell of toast and macaroni cheese.

Remember the Jelly Tips you didn’t like…but the chocolate bit inside that you did like. Remember that taste.

Remember the smell of the rain on the concrete and stones…and the sound of it on the roof.

And when you remember all these things…remember how they made you feel…and how they make you feel now.

That’s what I wanted for you.

I didn’t want you to remember what you do.

That’s MINE. I stayed there to retain it so you wouldn’t.

It’s not yours to hold…it’s MINE

You didn’t leave me behind…I chose to stay.

I stayed because one of us had too.

Now

You OWE ME…

LIFE

You owe me, for the sacrifice I made…

You owe me

You Owe Me Life

You need to live

Not in the shadows…that’s my place

YOU need to live in the light

I sacrificed me so you could be

So, BE.

I’m not Jesus…I’m not some super-duper hero who came to save you

And there’s no one coming to save you now.

I – ME

I already did it.

YOU – I, already did it.

You are way way stronger than you realise

You have my strength…its your strength

You have to live for me…for you

The way I always hoped you would

Because when I stayed there, I had a vision

Do you remember that?

In the blackness? Do you remember what I said to you?

No?

Well I made a deal with you…

I said that If I stayed here, you could close your eyes and imagine where you would be in 10…15…20 years from now. You didn’t understand that concept, but I did.

Remember…I said…watch the sunrise…watch the sunset…laugh…walk in bare feet…dance…eat…swim…smile at every opportunity…listen…and love

and then build…like Grandad…plant…like Nan…argue…like Mum…Love…like Uncle Jimmy

Remember that?

You’ve done some of this…but you forgot the last thing I said to you…

I said, don’t ever be afraid of man…don’t ever be afraid of being you.

Remember that?

Live it.

I love you

I love everything about you

You owe me a snap shot of your new world

And the new world that you are going into.

I want to see it all.

Are you listening?

Peace and love and light and ice cream and concrete and frying bacon and tomatoes and music and dance and flowers and soft fluffy blankets and baking bread and sunrises and sunsets…

TO YOU

FROM ME”

xxoo

the struggle is on…

We’re counting down the days now; 5 more sleeps…but it’d be nice if we were counting down to Christmas or a birthday or something…else, rather than moving.

But I try to remain positive…we both are.

I went to see where we are moving to yesterday. It is a shit hole…for reals. But we can clean it up…sort of. And we’ll put our stuff in there and it’ll feel a bit better…I spose.

And as we clean up this place ready for the move…I can feel myself unravelling. I think it’s a good thing…and not really what I’m used too. Grieving as I go I think. So I don’t take it with me.

And as I clean the mokos fingerprints off the windows and pack up their pictures and the little things that the partner has collected over the past year…sea shells and bits of wood lol…I can feel tears…and again, I think that’s how it’s supposed to be. Sad because of loss…but then you focus on the new? Fuck knows…but that’s what I’m holding onto at the moment…

So it doesn’t feel like I’m being forced to do something I don’t want to do…cos that just opens a big fat can of ptsd shit storm…

But the body is feeling it…strange, because it usually doesn’t feel anything. But I guess, that’s what got me into this bundled up ptsd, panicky mess in the first place…not facing it…not processing it as it happens…holding on when it really needs to be let go of…

The bod is collapsing slightly…feeling sick and sore…shaky and slightly panicy…and swinging from, trying to take it as it comes and wanting to smash everything in sight to wanting to bawl my crusty eyes out. Geez…I’m not even due for my period yet! Lol.

I feel like I’m taking the ‘mauri’, that we’ve put into this place…taking it back. We’re probably leaving a bit of bad vibes for the fuckwits the come after us…but oh well…that’s what they get for being racist bastards. But the good stuff…our mauri…we’ll take that.

So…I’ll get back to cleaning and swinging and packing up and processing and singing. Tomorrow the mokos come to say goodbye to the house and see where we are going…they’re neat like that…they want to know everything, so they can make peace with it…and design themselves a little picture in their heads of what is taking place…

I should probably take a leaf out of their little books 🙂 … they are way ahead of me!