“We talked…well sort of…now please just listen to me for a moment…don’t respond, just let me say what I need too…listen…process later.
When you were little…like in the photos of you and Grandad, that little…
You were cautious…but inquisitive. That’s what you should have been.
You were trying to find and occupy your space.
And I was right there with you…that little voice that said…
‘go on…touch it…break it…say no…scream…laugh…have a tantrum…’
Yep, that was me.
And you listened to me…for a long time.
But your still trying to listen for me. And I’m not that little voice on your shoulder, in your ear…anymore.
You know where I am?
I am what got left in the dark that day…I’m the one who stayed.
We’ve spoken of this before and you didn’t really want to hear it.
But you need to.
Understand this…I stayed for a reason.
I stayed there, to suffocate and to absorb. I stayed to take on what you didn’t need.
I stopped breathing. I felt the skin. I smelt the smells.
I did that so you could remain intact.
But you caught a glimpse and misunderstood what your purpose was.
Your purpose was to survive. To carry us to the next level.
It wasn’t my intention for you to carry guilt or remorse.
It wasn’t even my intention that you see or recollect anything of those moments.
They are MINE.
Let me keep those.
I want you to remember all those things that you’ve looked at recently.
All the good.
The memories of Grandad…going to work with him.
His stories. The smell of bacon frying in the morning.
The smell of frying tomatoes.
The feel of lots of ripe peaches…those ones that Grandad used to get in the sacks and spend eons bottling.
I want you to remember the smell of Nan’s flowers. Remember what they looked like when they all blossomed at once.
Remember the smell of the dirt that would come inside with her after she had been out there for hours.
Remember the bread you used to go and get for your Mum on Sundays…the one you’d hollow out and eat before you got home. Remember the smell of it? The feel of it.
Remember the sound of the old concrete mixer Grandad had…the smell of the concrete churning.
Remember the smell of toast and macaroni cheese.
Remember the Jelly Tips you didn’t like…but the chocolate bit inside that you did like. Remember that taste.
Remember the smell of the rain on the concrete and stones…and the sound of it on the roof.
And when you remember all these things…remember how they made you feel…and how they make you feel now.
That’s what I wanted for you.
I didn’t want you to remember what you do.
That’s MINE. I stayed there to retain it so you wouldn’t.
It’s not yours to hold…it’s MINE
You didn’t leave me behind…I chose to stay.
I stayed because one of us had too.
You OWE ME…
You owe me, for the sacrifice I made…
You owe me
You Owe Me Life
You need to live
Not in the shadows…that’s my place
YOU need to live in the light
I sacrificed me so you could be
I’m not Jesus…I’m not some super-duper hero who came to save you
And there’s no one coming to save you now.
I – ME
I already did it.
YOU – I, already did it.
You are way way stronger than you realise
You have my strength…its your strength
You have to live for me…for you
The way I always hoped you would
Because when I stayed there, I had a vision
Do you remember that?
In the blackness? Do you remember what I said to you?
Well I made a deal with you…
I said that If I stayed here, you could close your eyes and imagine where you would be in 10…15…20 years from now. You didn’t understand that concept, but I did.
Remember…I said…watch the sunrise…watch the sunset…laugh…walk in bare feet…dance…eat…swim…smile at every opportunity…listen…and love
and then build…like Grandad…plant…like Nan…argue…like Mum…Love…like Uncle Jimmy
You’ve done some of this…but you forgot the last thing I said to you…
I said, don’t ever be afraid of man…don’t ever be afraid of being you.
I love you
I love everything about you
You owe me a snap shot of your new world
And the new world that you are going into.
I want to see it all.
Are you listening?
Peace and love and light and ice cream and concrete and frying bacon and tomatoes and music and dance and flowers and soft fluffy blankets and baking bread and sunrises and sunsets…