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re write – thirty five

“thought you’d be over that already …”

What? Like that time I didn’t get the car checked by Automotive Services before I bought it and it turned out to be a dud? That sort of ‘over it’?


from pts(d) expression series #128 – Feb 24, 2017 @ 08:01

For more photography and art go to @kpm-artist 


 

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unfucking thyself 101.109

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

109.

Not sure what this little fullah is but he is beautiful, and I spent plenty of time stalking the little shit to get a half way decent photo of him. And this was the best I could do … i know ..

We get a few different birdies out here but besides the humble sparrow and the gorgeous fantails and of course the tui, I’m not really up with the play on bird watching and naming names.

What I love about them though, is they just do their thing. They don’t stress or worry and I’m pretty sure they’re not anxiety ridden over where their next meal comes form or where they’re going to lay their feathery little heads for the night. They just Do. They just Are.

I can appreciate that and its something I’d aspire too xo.


For more photography and art go to @kpm-artist 


 

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photography .68

from pts(d) expression series #136 – Mar 4, 2017 @ 08:01

#beach #beachlife #filteredlife #ptsdlife #myview #photograph #photoblog #photography #naturephotography #photographer #kpm ©


For more photography and art go to @kpm-artist 


 

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what was: 1981

#throwback Jun 10, 2015 @ 18:51.

And again, this whole write feels really detached and aloof. I guess when writing about your own shizz and sometimes the more painful shizz; aloof is the only way too go.

Recently I was talking to my Mama about this time in our lives. She recalled things I didn’t. The maemae (sore) that arose, that I still don’t remember, was Me waiting for my father to pick Me up.

I’d had sporadic contact with him and was still ‘hopeful’ that he had actually missed Me all these years and wanted to get to know Me. I guess thats young, naive hopefulness.

Apparently I waited by our letterbox, sitting on my little suitcase, for hours for the father of the year to come and pick Me up. He never arrived. There was no explanation. No apology. No nothing. Which pretty much sums up the relationship there ‘wasn’t’ with him.

Fuckwit fathers leave big holes in their daughters hearts when they can’t be anything but cunty.

I continued to wait for a semi – decent relationship with my father … for years. It’s only been recently that I’ve finally cut all ties with him.

My choice.

My maemae … and my way of dealing with it.

I realise now, he doesn’t deserve a relationship with Me. I’m one badass motherfucker who has strength, attitude, resilience and love abounding. Why waste any of that on someone who does not give a shit about Me.


I remember some of these…

This was the 2nd to last year of primary school. I remember Miss Saunders…her skirts were always way to short for someone who bent over in front small boys all day!

I think we moved houses around this time, and I went to a different school for awhile. Different kids. Different scene. The street we lived on was ‘the other side of the tracks’ type place. Not that we lived anywhere flash before hand … think we were in a flat at the back of a church for awhile after the big ass house burnt down. But this new place, was good … just different.

I don’t remember having friends as such…like ones that I really enjoyed. There was this one girl that just came with the church scene and I couldn’t get rid of her. She was an evil little bitch! She hung around and tormented the shit out of me for years…mutt…I’m working through letting the rage associated with her and her kind go … whew.

I was the little lead swan, in Swan Lake, somewhere around this time … that was cool :) I had a cute little white tutu and all …

I remember having my mouth washed out with soap for saying “shit” lol … I don’t think it worked long term but it certainly did the trick for the short term ;)

We had a goat. It ate everything … literally everything … cos that’s what goats do I suppose. I wonder what happened to him??

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365 reasons to smile ~ 69.

69. Back at my beach.

#throwback  Mar 11, 2016, and still the best place to be :)image

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dear ex

from pts(d) expression series #137 – Mar 5, 2017 @ 08:01

You didn’t own anything.

Not even a toothbrush.

And you had never owned one.

Your mama bought silk sheets.

Not toothbrushes.

I know life fucked you.

In more ways than one.

I know that you were always destined for.

The life you live now.

It was your goal.

I don’t have regrets.

I don’t even really get us.

But you taught me a Shitload.

About what neglect looks like.

What the absence of any care, Looks like.

And what it grows up to be.

God I hope you are not the complete.

Asshole you always wanted to be.

You know, not everyone deserves to be punished.

For the neglect of a few.

I get it though.


#throwback Jul 28, 2015 @ 01:16

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unfucking thyself 101.108

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

108.

These guys.

It’s currently ‘technically’ winter in Aotearoa. It is a warm and not so wet winter so far – much to my disgust lol.

So, we’re currently trying to clean our shit up in the yard; although we’ve had a 6 month reprieve from the house being sold, I am forever the realist and am not taking the shit for granted. It’s given us time to clean up, pack up, look for decent alternatives etc etc.

Anywho … here we were wading through weeds and we came across these 2 guys.

The georgian calendar says these beauties should’ve stopped growing Jan / Feb. They’ve never done the random grow like this either … but I think what made Me smile is their sheer tenacity.

Sitting there all bright red and shit, pretty much screaming (in a nice way, not a freddie kruger way ..) fuck yous … we won’t do what you think we should ;)

And because they’re just out there doing their rebel thing, neither Me nor the Partner can bring ourselves to pick it and eat it lol.

So I decided to take a picture of them …

‘Ode to #Resistance !


For more photography and art go to @kpm-artist 


 

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updates and tooting my own horn again …

This has taken a couple days to actually put together … not because it’s so detailed and in-depth and required tonnes and tonnes of amazing research …

No, it’s just taken ages to post cos whilst I am unbelievably awesome lol I also did my shizz in and am still recovering hah!

So, spur of the moment (which a. I don’t do and b. I don’t do ever …) I decided to go to my moko’s school assembly. I had been pondering on for a couple days and on the morning of, I announced to the partner I would be going.

He looked freaked out and rather stunned but to his credit, rolled with it.

What made Me decide to do such an out left field thing for Me? Because more and more I am beginning to realise that we only have ONE life and it has an expiry date. Whilst I know I need to do things at My pace and how it works for Me (and thats taking practice), there are certain times that I know it’s just fear that’s stopping Me. Not just the run of mill pts(d) fear, but the fear of the fear of the run of the mill pts(d) fear. And it’s those times that I’m trying my fucking hardest to conquer.

Friday was one of those days.

So I got my shit together and got in the car and we went.

I was nervous but reasonably prepared. And btw, I was planning on wearing shoes but decided last minute that shoes just make Me feel more claustrophobic so I was better off without them! So I rolled with that.

Last time I went to mokos school assembly I was more nervous (couple years ago now ..) and hadn’t really learned about my sensory freak outs, so this time I was better prepared.

I took the drugs. Just cos. It’s way harder without them and at the moment it’s all about desensitising my shizz and the drugs help with that.

I also had the earplugs! And thank fuck for the earplugs! They did the business alright. It took out a whole sensory element and I was able to just focus on smell and sight fuckery … oh and balance lol.

But I did it! I stood throughout the assembly cos for some reason, sitting on small awkwardly arranged chairs, crammed up next to a smelly somebody I don’t know, is not my idea of relaxing. So I stood right by the back door way and I managed to take photos.

The only fuck up … which was epic really … and I wouldn’t really call it a fuck up … but it certainly called unnecessary attention to myself …

When one is wearing earplugs, one can’t hear whats happening around you, which is awesome: one can also not tell how loud one is speaking. Sooooo, when I said “get out of the way dick” in what I thought was a quiet voice … turns out it was loud enough for my moko to hear at the other end of the hall.

So yeah … be warned … if you wear earplugs, you speak louder than you think your speaking. Lol.

Anyways … I had a great time watching the moko … I’m so proud of him :)

Afterwards, I went and hung out with my youngest daughter at her new home and caught up with moko #5 … that was cool :)

And then we all had dinner back at my other daughters house. It was so cool … I felt … calm … happy … included ;)

Moko #2 made Me this:

…which made my night.

I came home feeling full and happy and warm xo

And … it’s taken 2 days to recover lol.

But it was worth it!

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ok, so the plan was to minimise the photos and make more space …


And I still am … slowly … But basically … I’m over it lol. I miss my blog … I miss reading other blogs and connecting with my peoples.

I hadn’t quite realised till this week, how much I rely on my little blogging community for – what would the normals call it? … ‘Social Interaction’ lol … and that in itself is ironic aint it. That my talking and learning and growing and interacting parts of Me, all come from a community of people I have never laid eyes on and some I don’t even know their names – and yet, that ‘connection’ has become an intricate part of my life.

Who the fuck would’ve known ay lol.


And you’ll end up seeing a lot of my photography in my writing posts for awhile; or until I’ve decided whether that will be part of my re-storage solution or whether I just delete the fuckers altogether …

Yah know, turns out I’ve got over 2,000 freaking photographs on this blog! I know right, all fun and games and pretty pictures till you run outta storage space lol.

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dreams ay …


“I’m having a break … got shit to do …” *insert the largest eye ball roll ever* lol.

So I woke up with my feng shui panties in a bunch … so here I am.

1st the flash / dream that disrupted my 4 hours of sleep .. and yes my sleeping feng shui is also up the shitter at present … but we rolling with it …

It’s the dream I hate. The one that shows up every few months of late and fucks with Me. It smells like a memory but comes in a dream. I try hard not to dwell on it cos I know it’ll unfold as it wants, when it wants. I’ve learnt theres no point stressing over it, or picking it to bits too much … as untimely, annoying, and disturbing as it is, when it happens … I’m learning that it seems to come when my ‘being’ thinks I can handle it. … PS: I’ve had words with ‘my being’ and told it it’s full of shit, but it don’t listen lol.

So the dream … Me being pinned and not being able to move, breath, speak. The difference this time was I was standing upright with glass type thing between Me and the pedo. And I was bigger, not small like I usually am. I still couldn’t breath properly, and had small raspy breaths but this time, although I felt scared, I could feel that I was looking for solutions. I was fully aware of what that fuck was doing to my body, but I could also see myself looking around, from side to side; trying to look for someone, to get attention or help or something … I also tried to scream and instead of nothing coming out of my mouth, a fog horn type sound came out … like a hoarsey throat thing was happening.

I could feel that cunt on my skin, but also knew he was not aware that I was different … bigger … Not desperate, but thinking … I was more aware.

He wasn’t aware. Dick.

And then I felt myself starting to panic and forced myself awake. I woke with sound in my voice … like trying to cry but not being able too; disturbed, but OK. I knew I was awake and that I had had a dream.

I didn’t get up and go and have a smoke like I usually do. Instead I wrapped up in my fluffy blanket and went back to bed. The rest of the night was restless and I had to put my pillow on my chest … but I was Ok. And I am Ok.

As strange as it all sounds, this for Me … as I see it … is Progress.

I can see and feel the changes in my perspective.

It’s exciting and frightening all at the same time. And I didn’t think I’d ever hear myself say that.

I feel like I’m growing up … I know lol … moving from a cowering child to an angry adolescent to an awake, aware adult … who is getting bigger … almost big enough to do some mother fucking damage …

I can feel it happening …

So today I was going to do some important shit lol, but I’m going to paint instead … yeah, I got shit to unfold and don’t have the articulation for it (believe it or not ;) ) ….

I feel hopeful … Now thats weird … Cool … But weird.

Love and mother fucking light all day, all night xoxo


PSS:

Nature decided it was actually going to do winter today and greeted Us with a big fat frost … Love this season <3