i.

I don’t have to do anything.

not anything I don’t want to.

not anymore.
I don’t have to resign myself .
I don’t have to force myself.


I don’t have to be afraid for the fuck of it or for the greater proverbial good.


The only thing that matters is taking care of me and my safety.
physical.

mental.

spiritual .. me, my whole self.

Most importantly, my body.


She tired.
Tired of being afraid.


kpm©


be still …

so, listening whilst ‘still’, doesnt work for me. its more of a tactile event. JS.


kpm©


 

i don’t.

i dont want to make music.

i want to listen to it.

its like watching.

but with your soul.


kpm ©


 

speaking …

listen, ascertain, seek clarification

.

you know, theres more said in whats not said.

.


kpm ©


 

they listen

how do you make someone listen to you.

not listen, like:

‘ah huh’

sorta listening.

i means

listen: with more than their ears.


kpm ©


 

okey dokey – heres the father deal

After so much rumination my jaw is sore from chewing on this bitchy cud!

Heres the options that came to mind prior to last nights conversation with my daughter … oh ye who is wise beyond her years …

  • Ditch father
  • After unleashing fermented hell fire and brimstone on his ass

-As you can see, I’m minimalistic in my approach.

Now this is a stance I take with racist slash sexist cunts … who won’t or can’t engage in an educational dialogue so each party can come to thy par-tay … and listen and learn. This is not a one sided process; it takes two … bay-bee.

Because of what I do, ‘activism; feminism’; and how I respond, I do realise I’m not your average acti-fem ;) I’m probably more tolerant than most. But I have learnt over time, that there comes a time in a conversation on these topics, that the little angel on one of your shoulders, tends to start jabbing you in the neck with its harpsichord, hollering – ‘Bitch please … you know they got their pointy whites on and be cross burning this lovely evening ay? … Give It Up!’ … and the horned dude on the other shoulder is just nodding in agreement … ‘what she said!’.

Yeah, thats usually the point at which I exit the conversation / friendship / acquaintance-ship etc.

And My Father hit that phase about 5 minutes into our last conversation.

So, do I roll with the usual schedule and kick his ass to the curb? I mean, whats gonna happen? He gonna ignore me for another 30 odd years??? Pfft.

Enter … my goddess daughter :)

She laughed and listened … then spoke.

“Yah know ma, sounds a bit like the conversation I had with my father (sperm donor), … ”

Pause for explanation: My girls have different biological fathers; the father to my second girl, I was married to, and he adopted my 1st girl … so is technically the father of both girls :) My girl has tried to maintain some kind of relationship with her biological father though … tried.

Back to conversation:

“… he told me I should ‘make’ my kids talk to him on the phone even if they don’t want to …”

Ok … like thats ever gonna happen I said … but still couldn’t quite see where her analogy was taking me …

“My father doesn’t know me, if he did he wouldn’t ever ask me to go against my principles. And your father is doing the same thing. Not only has he criticised who you are, he believes he has some right to have a say in who and what you are. And he is delusional if he thinks you will go against your principles.”

Ahhhhh …. beautiful girl :)

Me: “So what did you do my girl? How did you deal with it? Because I’ll be fucked if I know what to do with someone who is genetically connected to me but knows sweet fuck all about me. I know what to do with other people … with strangers … but this fucker? I am clueless on how to be respectful but still be Me.”

And she says:

“You are already being respectful Mum … you didn’t swear at him or let rip like you would’ve on someone else … and you’ve taken quite a while to process so you won’t just react.”

True dat.

“Maybe you just need to work out where your limit is with him and don’t let him go any further than that. And just continue being You.”

Awww, I love my girl.

So there it is, Part 2 of my decision.

On all subjects that come up that are directly offensive, I’ll tell him. Not discuss it with view to educating him … just tell him … ‘I find that offensive and I’m not talking about that with you’.

I’ll continue to try to find … ‘common ground’ … with him, and spend what time we have left, hopefully, enjoying some sort of relationship with him.

But I will continue to be Me. All of Me.

No apologies. No explanations.

Ake ake Amine ;)


kpm ©


 

Image

like them

and like them,

they said it was ok.

with their mouths.

.

but their eyes.

said something different.

and their souls.

.

yes I can see them.

.

their souls said a completely different

thing.

.

watch my hands.

i’ll sell you something

you don’t need.


kpm ©


 

doors

behind my door, the sunshine shines

its gleamy and bright

and looks like blankys and pillows

beyond my door, the darkness darks

its gloomy and grey

and looks like thunder and earthquakes

 

through my door you can see

and touch my world

through my door you can hear

and smell my world

 

a closed door

only opens

to a

certain knock

 

while you wait, you’ll hear

elevator music

screechy and annoying

but if you wait, you’ll hear

 

you’ll hear me


kpm ©