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we need a resolution ~ aaliyah

we need a resolution ~ aaliyah, 2001

? ?

Was tryna think bout what it is that I love ..

besides my kids and mokos I mean..
like what do I love to do ..


& I couldnt think of anything that I absolutely love enough to want to be doing all the time ..


& yah know what ..
That pisses me off.


kpm©

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lets get naked ~ highland place mobsters

lets get naked ~ highland place mobsters, 1992

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around the world ~ daft punk

around the world ~ daft punk, 1997

learning ..

I don’t have to learn or glean a life’s lesson. Or make it all into some righteous learning curb.
Don’t have to commodicise it or make money offve it.
I just gotta enjoy it .
Embrace it.
Love it.
Enjoy it.

& thats fucking hard enough to do .. geezus.


kpm©


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treat her like a lady ~ temptations

treat her like a lady ~ temptations, 1984

quickie update-ish …

all sorts of fuckery and non-fuckery going on atm .. honestly looking forward to the ass end of the gregorian 2020, but am guessing the lessons learned-ded throughout, aren’t a one time event.

as much as i’d like to blame 2020 for all my ills & for the ills of the world, i cant.

like my stuff, the shit in the world has always been there, its just made its way to the surface. real fast!! & real hard!!

& that sums it all up really.

it feels like, well for me anyways, i was treading water & slowly finding my feet .. in a weird ass kinda way .. & then some cunt drained the water, replaced it with salt water & a quickly rising & dipping tide. & then … had some little cunt start throwing rocks from the embankment LOL.

funny, but not.

& thats been the groove all year.

pandemics & outright racism aside .. theres been some gobsmacking shit happening all around. i think my hardest reality though, has been realising that some of the those that i thought i knew quite well, have turned out to have less moral substance than they had portrayed. & as gut wrenching as that has been, its also been a huge fucken eye opener.

anyways ..

as im tapping this out, i’m aware i probably won’t get all the updates i want to get done, done .. cos yeah, im still abit limp in the brain area atm lol. but ..

i need to note .. that the shift i felt months ago .. the feeling like shit was changing .. that was unrecognisable & slightly uncomfortable but also felt like it was gonna be a good thing ..

yeah .. well its shifted.

& its good.

it is exactly more difficult than i had realised it would be but its good. a NEW good .. shit im completely not use too.

i feel like a have a different wave of confidence.

in myself .. & more importantly, in what ive come to learn about myself & the shit i’ve been through.

im still weighing it all up. slowly. cos slow is what i do now lol.

until i’m kinda more clear, i’ll keep posting my intermittent updates & a few random pieces that i need to relieve myself of lol.

& finish with ..

we only got one life.

there are no do-overs.

dont waste time with meaningless worthless BS.



kpm©


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girl on fire ~ alicia keys

girl on fire ~ alicia keys, 2012

the stuff ..

all the little pieces i dropped along the way.

in order to survive.

to lean in.

& lean out.

i gotta find.

slowly find.

pick up.

turn over.

welcoming back to my repertoire.

only what i want.


kpm©


 

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photography .255

#celebrations #love #kpm©


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

te maemae mama ..

deep deep grief.

buried in there, somewhere.

i can hear the echoes of it.

hey .. its time.

but it feels sad. too sad.

& aside from ..

theres anger.

deep blood drenched anger.

my anger.

to be torn from the inside out.

more years than i care to remember, but do.

all that time.

all that suffocation.

all that subjugation.

for what?

the pleasure of someone else?

& then the anticipation, joy, excitement, fear & desire of creating life.

new life.

life.

& as she became mine.

she was taken.

stolen.

ripped away.

thats how i see it.

feel it.

the dishonour of being fucked after being fucked for so long.

to be told i am inadequate.

not an inadequate fuck.

but an inadequate parent.

mother.

mummy.

to have her stolen.

like my life.

like my breath.

like my innocence.

she got took.

& i blamed.

yes, the grief is deep.

the undeniable irony.

is tormenting.

sad.

anger.

angering.

raging.

but doesnt go anywhere.

just down.

in.

to fester.


kpm©


 

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photography .252

it finally fucking rained!!! yah!


#rain #seasons #aotearoa #kpm©


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

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the perks of ..

think i’ve said it before, but this whole covid lockdown business, has given me opportunities to do / be at certain things that i didn’t think were ever going to be possible.

concerts.

its a no go for me atm .. kinda above my pay grade for now.

but during this whole pandemic i’ve managed to make 3 seperate ‘concerts’ that i otherwise wouldn’t have been able to attend.

the first was an erykah badu concert .. fuck me, what a kick that was!!!

the second was an erykah vs jill scott ‘concert’ type thing on IG. it was like 3 hours of all their music and singing and reminicing & it was fucken cool!!!

thats me in the middle .. just hanging out and shit LOL.

the 3rd attendance, was a Smart Funny & Black comedy show thing. if you follow amanda seales on IG at all, then you’ll know about this beautiful creation.

its something i’d absolutely love to go to but knew i wouldn’t be able to .. & then …

thats right, they did one online!

yes i bought a ticket and yes i ‘went’ and yes i laughed my ass off for hours!!!!!!!!

& its not just the attendance thing really .. for me, all these things were so fucking healing & liberating & normalising & empowering .. they’ve completely changed the game for me .. its part of whats flipping the shit atm.

its a beautiful beautiful thing.


kpm©


 

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photography .250

#aotearoa #sunsets #kpm©


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

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what she .. was

@ 16, walking home from the ‘dance’, just like you had done a tonne of times before. 

& as you stroll down the road reminiscing on the events of the evening, the thrill of freedom that comes with dancing and singing, the rhythm & flow of the music ..

& you feel something hurting your head & then nothing.

you wake later, when its darker .. & you are bleeding. you feel woozy but cant recollect anything. youre sore all over. particularly around the genital area.

you get home & are told off for being late .. way too late .. reprimanded for the possibility of being ‘loose’ …

anyway, time goes by .. your aches & pains dissipate & then, your belly starts to swell. you periods have stopped & your mother is telling you you are getting fatter …

& you are sent away with your swollen belly.

cos girls like you aren’t welcome here ..

neither are your babies.

you have your baby.

& it is taken from you and adopted out .. well, given away.

post war .. you meet a man .. you are married .. you become pregnant.

you are happy and content & full of life .. this is a second chance .. to love ..

& when he is born ..

he isn’t breathing. 

you cry ..

& cry silently.

on & on.

then stop.

cos this is not the time for tears. this is no time to cry over spilt milk ..

time passes & you become pregnant again .. this time he is a healthy baby boy .. a beautiful bundle of love.

you sing to him, dance with him, love him fully & completely.

then another pregnancy & again,  youre filled with joy .. another child, another chance to give all the love that you have.

she is born and she is just as beautiful as you had imagined .. you dance and sing her songs .. rock her and cradle her .. love her to bits. 

& then life happens, as it does ..  in between all of that beauty .. & you have moments of immense sadness & grief .. 

you become pregnant again .. filled with the joy a mother feels when she desperately wants babies .. 

& then she is born.

& shes not breathing.

another. not breathing.

you cry. deep deep tears. the tears & grief that a mama feels when her babies are hurt, but this feels empty.

they take her. & bury her.

you dont speak of her again.

then, life. life continues.

the ups & the downs.

& you become pregnant again .. he is sick but he lives, & this is your last chance. so you love like no other.

then life. life continues.

& your living children dont love you like you thought they would.

your first grandbaby is adopted out.

& lifes heartbreak seems to be repeating itself.

but their are more grandchildren coming & life keeps going.

as do you.

you have so much love to give.

& with each heartbreak, you rise & continue to love.

and then ..

your first living son .. takes his own life.

& the world stands still.

well, it does for you.

you can feel your heart cracking & breaking & the blood flowing where only tears once flowed.

how do you mend?

how on earth do you mend.

slowly.

so very slowly.

how do you keep on loving anything ??

.

i dont know .. but you did.

.

This is my Nans story. well part of it.

today i remember her & all her babies & all the never ending love she managed to give us all.

Love You Nan xx


kpm©


 

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photography .249

#night #lights #kpm©


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

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photography .248

#aotearoa #sunsets #kpm©


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

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photography .247

#bnw #sunsets #kpm©


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

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tangaroa whakamautai ~ maisey rika

.Tangaroa.

His waters

cleanse

and clear.

the salt

chases away

kehua.

He takes your screams

absorbs

your pain.

.Tangaroa.

tangaroa whakamautai ~ maisey rika, 2012

Tangaroa – [personal name] – atua of the sea and fish

atua – [noun] – god

kehua – [noun] ghost – spirits that linger on after death and haunt the living


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dead peeps ..

‘what? yous don’t talk to your dead people?’ is my new come back.
after a colonised lifetime of fighting to look “normal” re talking to the dead 🙄 this year I decided, fuck it, imma just listen & try & go with it.
so, this will be the first intentional setting of #matariki I have observed. what that meant for our tipuna probs looks way diff than my take on it, but with much debate & negotiation 🙄🤣 it’s ending up as a crossover of #poroporoaki meets #diadelosmuertos with a #hakari to twist it out .. I know, I know 🤣 negotiations included me highlighting to said dead peeps, that I am but one peep & resources & kai are limited atm, so no, your bonoffee pie is gonna have to make nek years menu geez lol & that yes, I hadn’t got my ass into gear & printed off the photos I was going too 🙄 but really, what is a photo but a memory ay 👀🤣 & they agreed, finally 😊
so this is all about honouring my peeps, making sure they are remembered, their stories (whether they be slightly stretched or not .. ) be told. that they know they are loved & missed. that I can shed a tear but smile at the same time.
cos at the end of the day, they are why I’m here right .. & yes, you are welcome 😊 🖤
#thebusiness 🖤😘


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist