the other days fuckery .. of sorts

it was contained. but with further reflection, there is something a-brewing.

*note: the lack of posts atm is due to me still figuring out me internetness. theres no vdsl plugs or cables close to the house & the lovely new landlords used this place as their holiday home so didn’t want access to internetness, which is kinda cool .. but not when you need internetness & cant get it lol. so im doing the 4g thing but my usage (or previous usage lol) is not compatible with how much i bought this month .. long story short: i’ll be writing offline & posting in bulk or random until i can figure me shizz out ;)

so, back to the fuckery lol …

its been 2 weeks of being in my dust, mould free house up on the hill. i’m loving every inch of it & tend to spend the day getting sidetracked with the view or the hawk flying past or the sound of the ocean ..

but thats alright. im cool with it.

come monday, my nemesis aka building contractors, decided to start pummelling huge ass poles into the ground. cos we are largely sand dwellers out here, houses are built on stilts, which are driven into the earth by large ass digger things with a compactor thingy attached to the end of it.

*there was gonna be a picture which was a little blurry, but .. you know how many gigs it takes to upload said pic??? shitloads .. so  im sure you get my drift & will be fine without said pic ;).

now ive been pretty much anxiety free since coming here. the odd twitch here and there as i get used to the new noises and smells .. but said digger asshole kinda messed with that.

for the first hour of earth & house shaking pummelling, i tried to employ my learned skills to calm my farm. that included the ear plugs, music and feet on the ground. i tried to keep busy and moving around cos that lessened the shaking. i was pretty proud of myself actually. by 6pm they were still going though and my nerves were starting to get the best of me.

they finished soon after 630pm and i was utterly fucked.

interesting thing i noticed was the tightness in my neck, shoulders and head. i realised that i had been living in that state for the last couple years and the littlest noise or shake or upset just fucked me over. after being reasonably relaxed for the past couple of weeks and then tense over a few hours, it completely rocked my body.

i took abit of time to chill after they’d left and prepare for the following day of possibly more digger fuckery.

it was noticeable tension mounting in my gutt and shoulders that alerted me to my lack of calm steady deep breathing, so i stopped, sat and did a whole heap of gentle but deep breathing. oh, and i had a fucking early night!!

the following day i was ready for said fuckery but the tension had died down.

but said fuckery did not eventuate thank the goddesses.

however ..

i have neighbours.

*pause for effect*

turns out these neighbours love to yell and scream at each other like they’re about to one another grevious harm.

day 1 was the day after the pummelling fuckery.

i wasnt prepared for that specifically but was prepared so made sure i breathed deep and kept myself busy .. well, distracted.

day 2 however .. that was today.

they started at about 830am and screamed and yelled and screamed at each other .. & it completely fucked with me.

*i feel like im on the edge of change, of like a deep ass change, and its a good thing, but my usual response to this sort of thing (as long as there is no violence happening) is to ignore it and carry on.

but today i couldn’t.

it rattled my nerves. it threw me back to about 4 different timezones in my life where yelling and screaming and violence were all part of the back drop of life.

i could feel myself shaking & wanting to revert to recoiling and getting on with it. but my body wouldn’t let me.

i love this place. i love the calm that it gives me.

i dont like the yelling.

so what am i going to do about it? in a dignified sort of way?

well, i talked to the neighbours.

yes i did. lol.

turns out one of the neighbours has some kind of disorder of the anxiety variety, which i completely get, & when left unchecked, he lets rip.

& after hearing that & his deep apology for upsetting my feng shui, all was alright with my world again.

i guess yah dont know what someone else is struggling with unless you ask.


kpm ©


 

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& again, for those in the back

no. this time of the year isn’t pleasurable for me. it’s loud. it’s random. it’s expectations on overload. it’s pressure. did i say, it’s random AF?

& yet i’m managing it.

when do we get a holiday? those that put up with / manage the global expectations thrust up our asses because some cunt has pumped consumerism & now they ‘deserve a little break’? when do we get to tap out?

cos i am way the fuck over it.

JS.


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

possible.

it could be:

that the scent of christmas fuckery is in the air … everywhere … or that people keep knocking on my door unexpectedly … or that the house is sold as of tomorrow & we still aren’t sure of whether we can stay or not … or that, yet again, it feels as if my life is in someone else hands … or that its nearly a wrap for 2018 … or that our little family dynamics are changing … or that i burnt my finger & it hurts like fuck & i can’t bend the bloody thing … or that my hormones are all over the fucking place … or that its as hot as fuck & i don’t like it … or that ‘surprises’ are not surprises for me: they’re a fucking nightmare that takes @ least a week to process & another fucking week to come down from … or that my sleep pattern has gone back to a tentative 4 hours …. or that i feel uncomfortable … or that the less intrusive question i’ve been asked this week is: what do you do for work & oh, you were asleep? … or that my clothes are wearing out & have holes in them … or that i feel dizzy & my head hurts … or that i hate it when my phone rings but i hate it more when someone comes to the door & says ‘i tried to ring’ … or that my feet hurt … or that i’m thirsty … or that i have no desire to take photos at the moment … or that ‘lets have coffee’ seems to feel intrusive at the moment … or that chocolate isn’t cutting it … or that my skin feels weird … or that … or that … or that …

or that … at the motherfucking moment i feel so fucking lost & unsafe, the air is thick with the smell of my own fear & i’m scared.

of nothing & of everything.

i dread these days.

i hate these days.

most of all i hate that i forget how to manage me & them, in what feels like a long & prolonged exhausting panic fuck.


kpm©


 

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i did good

before i forget to celebrate the wins:

sunday was the first of the infamous home invasions aka open homes, for the house to be sold.

i had been dreading it slightly … ok, alot.

after the fucked up week and flashbacks and repercussions, i decided to take saturday ‘off’ and recalibrate.

i did my romiromi and was generally ‘kind’ if not kinder, to myself. it was fucken hard i must say. through it all, i managed to let go of alot of the angst i had been feeling and carrying and got back to the basics.

my wellness.

with that done, i made a new plan for future home invasions.

this morning, implementing my new plan – i started my day slow. absolutely no discussions of the week that had been or what i might do next; no thoughts of flashbacks … they can wait. i did my coffee … on purpose lol and sat in the sun for half an hour. had a couple tears for our cat … he would’ve usually been smooching around my legs and then heading off to one of three sunny spots. tears were fine i decided … they were rememberance, and thats ok. must have been, cos i smiled when i was done.

then i did breakfast. slowly and on purpose. no intrusive thoughts just me and my stomach lol.

then i picked out clothing that was comfortable and started packing my little bag of tricks. i included everything i needed and then added what i wanted.

coffee. my favourite sandwiches (banana and brown sugar – ikr), my music.

i had my shower, just abit longer than usual and dressed in my comfy clothing.

i got my coffee ready and put it in the thermos.

i went through happy photos and checked the good stuff on fb lol, it was a short list ;)

half an hour before the home invasion woman was due to come i finished off my last bits for my bag, donned ear phones, sunglasses and a jacket, got my walking stick and headed to the beach. i went the back way cos i didn’t want to run into said bitch face.

i walked slowly and stopped at all the flowers that have started to bloom along the beach walkway. i found me a possy in the dunes and parked up. i left my music going and settled into the sand.

once i’d got rid of my shoes i made my self comfy.

coffee first.

then another.

then a sandwich.

then some photos.

then alot of singing to one of my favourite songs.

then another sandwich followed by another coffee.

and before i knew it,  an hour and a half had passed.

i hadnt thought of the home invasion once and if my clock was correct they’d already have been and gone. i decided not to go straight home away and took a few more photos and then went for a walk along the sand.

it was beautiful and restful. then i made my way home. although calm, i was fucken exhausted, but nothing a nap didn’t fix.

next week im gonna change it up abit – still including coffee of course.

i did good!


kpm ©


 

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[sort of] unfucking thyself.

I’ve had my complaint about the fucken traitoress hormones and the cunty carpet cleaners: now down to the unfucking business.

As mentioned earlier, carpet cleaning … actually anything that has a chemically component to it and pungent smell [which i may add, not everyone can smell, but my delicate little snout seems to be able to taste every note of said crappy smell], fucks me over completely.

I’ve worked really hard on the sound thing and have bought the gangstah earplugs which seem to work a treat for the really over powering sounds … and then theres music and drugs as a final throw down when all else fails.

But the smell thing … farrrkkk … needless to say I’m still working on it and at the moment the best course of action is avoidance!

But what to do when said revolting smell is in the safest place you know? Your home?

Well aside from having to deal with the feelings of being invaded and not having a say (all goes with my pts(d) package unfortunately), being invaded by a smell I won’t be able to get rid of in a hurry got me wondering what the fuck I was supposed to do.

I ‘womaned’ up and headed down to the beach early early, with my coffee and music and anything else that made me feel good. It had been raining overnight and I was hoping it would still be raining in the morning; alas, it fucking stopped. But I went and sat in the sand anyway.

And thats where I stayed until I thought it was safe to return to my abode.

Here’s to little steps and hoping like fuck I can find something else the works on overwhelming snouts!

Any ideas, I’d love to hear them! x


kpm©


 

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updates: management

The week that was, has been fucking awesome! And before I forget (which I do a lot of now …) I thought I’d update how I managed over the week … what was different etc. ‘Cos I’m pretty fucking proud of myself ;)

I had a tonne of anxiety ‘moments’ and a few minor – medium panic attacks – lots of dizzy moments and a shit of tired!

Staying busy (which aint hard with a house full of kids ;) ) helped, but didn’t stop any of those moments from happening, which was interesting cos I thought it might. Most of the time I was able to breath through each thing, or find a quiet spot and do some stretching and breathing and listen to my music. I think I donned my ear plugs a few times when noises got overwhelming and downed a few anti-anxiety meds. Overall though, the meds were few and my other methods of reducing the heart rate and finding my equilibrium seemed to work.

When our baby was born we all went up to the hospital. I had prepared myself for that but still slightly dreaded it … hospitals are not my most favourite of places! What I dreaded really though was the smells and the elevator. Me and small tight, moving spaces, don’t really gel that well ;) I had my earplugs in for the ride there and the entrance and I kept them in for the elevator as well. Lots of deep breathing and a tight grip on the railing got me through that ride lol. Oh, and lots of swearing ;)

I was nervous when I got to hold my moko for the first time – which usually happens – but that dissipated as I breathed deeper and slower than I had been.

And it helped that he was just the most perfect little bundle of cuteness ;)

Overall I think I did fucking well! The differences were my confidence – remembering the simple things that I know work for Me : music, ear plugs, sunglasses, lots of water, oranges, not being to hot, comfortable clothing, enough food … and not giving a fuck about what anyone else thought of how I appeared, spoke, talked, walked ….

And really, I think that is one of the biggest things I learnt this week.

That really … giving a fuck about what others think of how you present yourself, fucks you up. I didn’t think I did that … but it turned out that I wanted to ‘look’ alright for my kids and my mokos, and I don’t like appearing ‘sick’ or upset. But the reality is; those are part of who I am. I manage it all the best way I know how.

That is enough!


kpm ©


 

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my day is nearly done.

photograph was taken the other day, on one of my ‘active meditation’ days: at my beach, of course <3

And what a day it has been!

I was going to shut up shop and move directly on to blobbing with a movie and then decided I should actually celebrate my days victory.

I usually do on here … with all the intricacies and unfoldings that a day does too Me … but this time … well …

I did fan-fucking-tastic today.

Today was moko #5s 1st birthday, and I had been dreading it slightly because of it’s location and because … well because, of the usuals … anxiety, smells, surprises, noises … etc etc.

But I’ve been preparing for Months … literally.

And that prep paid off today.

The morning was stress free … the trip to town was stress free … the stops and starts … the minor hiccups … managed beautifully by Me! Anxiety was at an all time low!!

The event itself was lovely for our little madam! And the stresses I had planned for went smoother than expected. I am pleased to announce, I handled it like an absolute Boss!

Oh. forgot to say … the location was my in-laws, and I haven’t been there for nearly 6 years.

So tonight I have the night to myself and I’ve had my dinner and am about to have a nice hot bath and then an extra large milk and milo lol … living the good life aight ;) And then it’s My movie time.

FYI … its not a typical girlie movie night … I shall be watching my all time favourites: The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo Series.

I know.

You too can be Me ;)

Anyway … love and light to Me as we head down the home straight of the busiest part of my year … one pending birth of moko #6 due any day now xoxox


kpm ©


 

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i faced my nemesis’.

these cunts …

And when I say ‘faced’, I mean that literally.

Yesterday had its cunty moments, the least of all being a 7.5 panic attack. Brought on by the impending arrival of roadworks on our doorstep.

In hindsight, I lost my shit cos the buildup to the ‘event’ was rapid and the circumstances that changed as all this impend-a-ment was happening, was also rapid … and was what I imagine a swift kick in the nuts would feel like.

By 1030-11 I was hyperventilating and crying and then sobbing (yah know that ugly fucken sobbing … with snot and incoherence …), walking round in circles trying to find my drugs that I had put away cos I had thought  … “I got this … don’t need those”.

I found the drugs. Continued to hyperventilate and snot everywhere … all the while, literally saying to myself … ‘it’s just a digger … it’s just road works …’.

But I’d lost it lol.

Soooooo

I rang my Mama <3

It occurred to Me a little while back that while my resources are limited – ok, fucken limited – I do have some. My Mama is one who is on my side.

I rang in tears lol and told her what was happening and asked if I could just talk for abit … she was willing to pick Me up if I needed it … but I wanted to Be Brave. Lol. As fucken ridiculous as it sounds; and if you’ve never experienced anxiety on any level let alone pts(d) on a cunty level … Being Brave means a little something different than it does to those idiots who chose to jump outta plans with parachutes on!.

This is a different kind of Brave.

So I snotted some more and cried down the phone at my Mama and when I hung up I decided to go check the status of the digger cunt.

They were one house away.

I was feeling braver than I had prior to my convo with Mama, so struck upon a new strategy.

I parked myself on my bed, which faces squarely out the front window onto the road. I opened up my computer and my blog and started finding the posts that made Me feel good … the encouraging ones … the ones where I had tried, failed, succeeded, and tried it all over again. And they all made Me smile.

And as the diggers rolled to our house, the house started shaking abit, but not too badly. The roadworks crew piss assed around and peered through the window at Me staring at them.

They looked awkward as fuck! LOL. And the whole scene made Me laugh out loud.

I felt like some kind of stalker watching them doing their thing … but I also could See the progress, or lack, and could figure out how long they were going to take.

The unknown is the bitch that gets Me and the thing that heightens the anxiety and panic. The noise and shaking sets off the pts(d). Watching them and their work unfold, surprisingly made it bearable. And it was funny as fuck watching them be all awkward and shit!

Soooo … I faced My Fears.

I felt scared but Brave. Not enough for a medal yet, but pretty close ;)

Love and light and fluffy bunnies too Me!

xx


kpm ©


 

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my beach. my criticisms.

i’m happy to say, Iive been able to go for a walk in the

mornings for nearly a week now.

yes, i’m pleased with my awesome self.

11421496_623878084414501_1876018371_ni have managed to deflate my own ballon though *insert eye ball roll*, which i’m oh so good at doing.

“you’re still not going in the middle of the day when there’s ‘actual’ people around

you’re still using your stick though

you’re still carrying your little bag of goodies with you

you’re still listening to your music while you walk

you’re still freaking out a little before you go”

ay! with friends like me who needs enemies right!

i am pleased to inform i managed to quell my own criticisms but note that it’s something i am going to have to work on. that instead of constantly criticising what i think i should be ‘really’ doing, i need to celebrate what i am doing!

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kpm©