and there was tears and snot, and more snot and tears

I’ve been trying to remain calm about the pending doctors visit today … just calm; nothing spectacular … calm would have sufficed.

I was calm … ish … playing my music, breathing deeply … and then the sour puss which is my partner right now, decided to strike up conversation just as we reached the outskirts of town … just where I hate being … just where the lights are bright and the noises peak … just where I loathe being on the way to somewhere I hate being even more …

“[Moko 1] asked why you don’t come to see them, or come into town.”

“And what did you tell him” was my reply. I shouldn’t have even asked. I should have just ignored the whole pending conversation and continued breathing deeply … but what felt like a slight rage coupled with a deep disappointment overwhelmed my spidey senses …

“Told him you don’t like people … cos thats all it is ay” was his naive and sarcastic reply.

Thats where there tears and snot began.

Now those who have pts(d) … or any other disability, mental and/or physical; and have struggled with educating your families on said ‘disability’ whilst trying to manage your own personal hell … will know the deep sinking feeling that hit my gutt in that moment.

Nearly 14 fucking years its been … him and I … and the last 8 or so have been struggling with the ‘unknown’ ‘disability’ that plagues my being … the last 3 years of actively trying my fucking best to manage that shit. And while he has his most blessed moments … this was not one of them … and I am well fucking over it.

The doctor was late, as usual, even though I was the first appointment of the day. Waiting causes severe fucking anxiety for Me. I got through the appointment, in tears and a large splattering of snot, but was over wiping any of that shit away so I just let it rain!!

Oh ugly ugly … but that shit obviously needed to come out, and come out it did!!

So, I got drugs that I can’t take … I’ll write another post on that fuckery another day arrghh … along with a raft of other shit that is more of the same shit … get my feels.

He filled in the fucking forms and had no idea where to send them so I took them with Me and gave them to the receptionist … she’s gangstah … with strict instructions to make sure some Cunt at ACC got that shit.

I am tired. I am a red faced puffy mess, I’ve just finished sweating like a rapist … my daughter has just walked in the door with chocolate! Fuck I love her!

And after a rather late quarter of a sedative, I have found my calm.

The positive: I fucking survived. I didn’t assault the doctor.

I live to tell the tale and to survive for another day.

Fuck pts(d).


kpm ©


 

health and shit

Oh how I forget so quickly.

I was feeling tip top the other day … full of energy (for me anyways) and ‘shiny’ and bright ;) So I decided to reduce my meds again.

It’s a long slow process, but I want off’ve the antihistamines; which I’ve been taking now for nearly 7 years. Apparently they’re not designed for everyday use. And that would’ve been great to know back then … along with all the other drugs they tried pumping into my system … but lets not go there!

So, back to the awesome day … I reduced the antihistamine; now I’m at a 1/3 a day, and have been for the last week.

Enter the shits, itchy skin, swollen eyes, sneezing, headache, muscle ache and increased heart rate and anxiety.

Yes thats right, I forgot that last time I reduced those bastards the same things happened.

So no time is a good time to feel like shit and at least I know how to deal with this now, and how to ride it out. It takes about 2 weeks for shit to balance out; quite literally.

Next round, I think I may wait at lest a few months before reducing.

Anywho … yah Me ;)


kpm ©


 

twitchy eye …

I’ve been weaning myself off’ve antihistamines for the past couple months. I figured my diet is pretty boss now and I’m feeling relatively ‘good’, so now was as good a time as any.

Now, I’ve been taking antihistamines for longer than I was taking the other concoctions and I stumbled upon them way back when, after the colonoscopy and the other invasive thingy that gets shoved down your throat. My weight was plummeting (54kgs by then) and I couldn’t hold anything down. I had gone to the docs and specialists and none of these geniuses had looked at my history, and I was too far gone by then to realise what was happening – STRESS – aka PTS fucking (D). Along while after all this they discovered ulcers in my gutt but by that stage I was banging back antihistamines faster than I could breath.

And they worked. They calmed all the itching, the nausea, the vomiting … and I could hold down food. Which meant I could slowly gain weight again.

Note: It’s not a nice feeling losing weight so rapidly that you feel like your fading away – and not by choice!

So, a couple of years ago I decided I needed to lower the amount I was having (2 per day). And the itch returned, the nausea returned. I persisted and managed the reduction to 1 per day. And that’s where I’ve been for the last couple years.

After a slight reduction recently I thought I’d be able to stop completely. But turns out, there are crappy side effects (not listed on Google or on the antihistamine box I might add) to having popped these bastards for the past 6 or so years.

My system crashed and I was sick for a few weeks … itchy as fuck … and nauseous as fuck.

I bumped them back up to 1 per day and decided to do the slow decrease, like I’d done with the Benzos.

Enter – twitchy eye syndrome!

I Google it and whats the recommendation?? Take an antihistamine! Fucks sakes!

I’ve decided to persevere at the dose I’m at for a couple more weeks before decreasing further, which is 2/3rds of a tab. My skin is slowly settling down – lots of aloe vera applied! But my fucking eye is still twitching like I’ve had a line or 2 of speed!

Not to be put off though … and I think its bloody good progress, for Me :)


kpm ©


 

& what?

thought i’d better document my progress, before i forget i’ve actually made any.

  • i went for a walk.
  • without the beepy bits
  • without the medication bag. Whoop.
  • i sat in the front seat of the car…for the first time in…ages. without my blanky, and beepy bits…I had everything else though…sunglasses, music, medication bag. Whoop.
  • i stayed in the front seat of the car all the way to the next town
  • only freaked out a couple of times…and didn’t take any medication. Whoop.
  • went into three different shops…freaked out in one and almost hit the ground, but didn’t.
  • the third one i actually enjoyed…it reminded me of Nan & Grandad.  Whoop.
  • did therapy…meh.

it’s all progress. apparently.

yes, i’m feeling ultra sarcastic today. and not in a positive way.


kpm ©