Tag Archives: mindful

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fight fucker

one of the most pertinent things you need to understand about me, is that i will always come back fighting.

definition: fighting. it looks different for everyone. it makes it no less or more – fight.

i might be crawling the floor today; trying to find my motherfucking sanity & trying to get out the front door … & the nek day – the nek week even, i might do that all over again. but i will eventually slap back. that may be a twist, a renarrate, a rearrange, a rework, a revisit or an old fashioned ‘FUCK YOU CUNT’.

i will always fight back.

it is how i’m wired.

the end.

kpm©

kpm © : ig @kpm-artist

 

purpose served.

think it’s done & has served its purpose.

kpm ©

 

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the unfucking of thyself. myself.

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

Little bit of a cluster fuck today, but seeing as this is my blog and I can cluster-fuck it if I need too … here we go:

As I have been going on about our river trip for the last few days, and the convent that we stayed at, I’ve noticed I’ve been avoiding the photographs of the church and the actual convent.

Therein lies the cluster fuck and the unfuck.

I don’t like churches. I don’t like the way they make Me feel. And when We went into this church I was approaching it purely from a ‘lets take some good pictures’ point of view … and still felt horrible going in there.

These are the photos from the outside only … tomorrow I’ll do the ones from the inside. So in essence this is a 2 part cluster-fuck-unfucking-of-thyself lol.

I don’t like churches for a lot of reasons. One being, that I was brought up having to go to church every sunday (not a church like this), and I have some ass hat memories from that ordeal that have taken half a lifetime to come to terms with. Part of that unfolding has been separating religion from ‘god’. The two are not even remotely related.

The other part of my angst with this particular iconic building, is that it overshadows the settlement that was there long before the missionaries arrived on these shorelines. And whilst the nuns that set up shop here, may have actually been quite righteous individuals, they are themselves the ‘icons’ of our colonial history. They came, “the great white hope”, and they ‘saved’ the natives from the other colonial parasites and the diseases and alcohol and rape and perversity, they bought with them. They set up an ‘orphanage’, which is honourable … missing the point that We never needed ‘orphanages’ before they arrived.

The land that this big iconic building sits on, is ‘gifted’ land. As in, tangata whenua of this area, ‘let’ the catholic church build their buildings on the land. The idea was they would help the church and the church would help them. The nuns have done that: again, thats an honourable thing.

But the whole building smacks of the colonial history that has diminished or is not so obvious anymore, everywhere else in our country.

When I stepped into this building, I couldn’t hardly breathe and felt dizzy as fuck … more so than normal.

I could feel the weight of grief Tangata Whenua (people of the land) had bore. The disbelief, that a ‘visiting’ peoples could wreak so much havoc in such a short time. And then I could feel the angst of all colonised people … the disbelief … the horror … the clamber to find solutions … the grief. It makes everything tight and quite unbearably sad and desperate. All in those 4 walls where the pakeha come to ‘worship’ the gods of their ancestors.

Anyway, thats part one. The best photograph, in my opinion, is this one because it is just a silhouette. If only that was true of the indentation that they have left on this land.

kpm ©

 

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moko & big dig big ups

before the month declined slightly, i didn’t get the chance to post the beginning of said month, & that it was awesome starting this gregorian year off with my eldest moko.

this year he’ll be 11 … eeek.

he’s so gorgeous & such a lovely kid.

i’d asked him what he wanted to do for ‘new years’ & he reckoned he wasn’t fussed … just staying awake was an achievement ! so we did pizza & the beach earlier in the evening & then watched everyone elses fireworks from the comfort of our backyard ;)

lame photo of the ‘fireworks’ i know. but let me just point out my achievement for  this night.

i haven’t ‘done’ fireworks displays for years & definitely haven’t gone out to take pics of any recently lol. yep, fireworks are all the usual pts(d) fuckery – loud, bright, random. this is the first year in fucking years i smiled @ them – hence the photo being shit lol.

so high-fucking-five me !

the following couple days before moko went home to his fams, he said he was missing his baby brother & told me all about how he got him up in the mornings & they’d have a chat (moko #9 is the newbie & he’s 4 months old) & then moko #1 would put bubba in his chair & turn on a specific cartoon for him, which apparently loves. i thought this was awesome & asked him why he does it. he says to me: so mama can have a sleep & cos i love him.

like i said, he’s a lovely kid.

anyway … the day before moko went home, we went to a ‘big dig’ – the purpose was to dig for 4 hours to hopefully find a plastic token & thusly win a corresponding prize.

he didn’t find anything & think he was over it within the first hour, but he persevered lol.

for me, it was a bit of a fucked up ‘achievement’. my beach was packed … & i mean packed (for our area anyways). not indicative of calm & tranquility, especially at this time of the year … but i sucked it up … well actually, breathed it out … & went down.

no-one but me really recognised the achievement, but oh well: you don’t always get a high five for the shit yah do ay.

have i mentioned i love my mokos?

they make life good xox

kpm ©

 

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another valuable lesson learnt.

yep. today had another learning moment *insert eyeball roll*

as i enter the 9th day of recovery post exhibition & granted, the hormones are wreaking havoc at the moment … i watched as my partner strolled off this morning to attend our nephews birthday party … of which the rest of my family is attending also …

& i realised that while peeps are all congratulatory ‘on the day’, & have no real idea of the ‘cost’ its taken to get to that day … they also have no idea of the cost i pay afterwards.

this isn’t a one off phenomenon. it’s been like it all year as i’ve tried to build up the amount i can do, put up with, endure … enjoy.

& on the ass end of all that, where are the congratulations for dealing with the aftermath?

*looking, looking & still looking*

i got a whimsical ‘you’ll be right’ & a bit of a bland ‘oh well …’. but why am i surprised? or is this just another learning moment?

ok, i’ll take it as another fucking learning moment. lol.

kpm ©

 

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un.fucking.

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

shits changing … eww

the more i plod along lately, the more i am becoming convinced that we’re all just scrolling through life trying not to feel to much.

by that i mean, the real shit.

not the happy clappy bullshit. not the ‘oh, thats sooooo lovely’ bullshit.

i means the essence of who we are.

cos that shit is usually some pretty raw shit.

and strangely enough, it takes away our breath.

and because it does that, we’d prefer to numb it or placate it, rather than looking it dead in the mother fucking eye ball and making that fear (cos thats what it is) our bitch.

no mater our level of fake together-ness, we seem to all tend to pussy out when it comes to this shit.

why am i referring to this now?

cos i can feel me staring that bitch down … and i can feel my fear. a different sort of fear. the sort that makes you breathless but not panicky.

shits changing round here.

whats that got to do with the pic?

i took this last night. i went for a walk to the beach and it was on the verge of raining but was blowing like a bitch. it was cold as fuck but awesome. in amongst trying to see through the sand blowing everywhere, i found this little beauty. just sitting there looking all beautiful lol.

and in all that wind, she was just solid. not at all phased or moved. just there, looking awesome, getting herself ready for the next phase.

how fucking cool is that!

kpm © : ig @kpm-artist

 

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the speciality of unfucking one-self. >?.

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

excitement versus nervousness.

apparently they’re opposite ends of the same spectrum.

the ‘causing nausea and anxiety’ spectrum that is.

oh well,

its all fucking learning ay!

fuck.

kpm © : ig @kpm-artist

 

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un.fucking.myself.

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

I had the absolute pleasure of walking my beach the other night … of listening to the ocean waves crash … and of watching the sunset :)

I love this place … the ocean, the skies, the nature sounds … it’s brought so much healing I can’t even round it off into a manageable sentence.

There is something quite spectacular about nature and the way it works … its ebbs and flows … its in perfect rhythm with itself and everything round it. And I believe, it holds everything we possibly need to heal Us. If we stop and listen that is.

Today I am grateful for where I am; even where I’ve come from. Without the rear view, I wouldn’t be able to appreciate this view.

xo

kpm © : ig @kpm-artist

 

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un.fucking.self.

 

These guys.

It’s currently ‘technically’ winter in Aotearoa. It is a warm and not so wet winter so far – much to my disgust lol.

So, we’re currently trying to clean our shit up in the yard; although we’ve had a 6 month reprieve from the house being sold, I am forever the realist and am not taking the shit for granted. It’s given us time to clean up, pack up, look for decent alternatives etc etc.

Anywho … here we were wading through weeds and we came across these 2 guys.

The georgian calendar says these beauties should’ve stopped growing Jan / Feb. They’ve never done the random grow like this either … but I think what made Me smile is their sheer tenacity.

Sitting there all bright red and shit, pretty much screaming (in a nice way, not a freddie kruger way ..) fuck yous … we won’t do what you think we should ;)

And because they’re just out there doing their rebel thing, neither Me nor the Partner can bring ourselves to pick it and eat it lol.

So I decided to take a picture of them …

‘Ode to #Resistance !

kpm ©

 

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the unfuck of thyself.

So this is another one of those rambles … those ones that brew away for awhile, that don’t quite have the vocab to pad them out proper like … and then a wave of hormones hits … or an extra shot of limoncello is downed … or the right ignoramus espousing the spiritual awakening of the year clears their throat …

And the flipping of the bird doesn’t quite do it .. but it manages to placate the need to throttle.

Today. Is. That. Day.

.

Yes. This is a blog about Me working through the daily shit-fest that pts(d) and all the other happy delightful fuckerys that go with it.

Yes. I don’ always get it right. But by fuck I give it one hell of a go. Always have. Always will.

Yes. I can be cunt.

Yes. I can be a right royal cunt on some days.

But here is where I pause. Because the comparison I’m about to make, isn’t supposed to be cunty, it’s supposed to be a reality check for those who don’t understand pts(d), mental illness (I fucken hate that title … and working on another …) and ‘hidden’ illnesses …

I had someone “Pfft” My pts(d) symptoms and diagnosis the other day.

That “Pfft” was also accompanied by an eyeball roll that almost got lost at the back of their ignorant head.

And I let most of that slide … cos, hey, you can’t teach the ignorant. Well more specifically, this ignorant fool … I’ve tried … It don’t work.

My management means I have little to nil to do with this particular person.

Then, lo and behold, I have another ignoramus do a similar eye ball roll, ‘Pfft’ing, followed by a shoulder shrug and the line … “Ohhhh whatever … you’re just using it as an excuse …”

Hold the fuck up Mate ….

No-one has been this stupid for awhile … as in, saying shit like this directly too Me or within my ear shot … so big ups for having the lady balls to say it out loud … High-five and moving the fuck on …

My response however wasn’t the cordial – ness they were expecting:

‘Digression and quick back story’:

We have a nephew who has cerebral palsy. It effects his speech, coordination, walking, communicating … He was left this way after dying in utero, being cut out and resuscitated, thanks to a midwife and health system fuckup. But I won’t get into that one … Our little man is gangstah as fuck … he’s a fighter, because he has to be … he’s learning new skills everyday … his dream is to oneday … Run. Fuck he’s cool ;)

‘Back story and digression done …’

So after the above ignoramus statement, I says:

“Have you ever said that too [nephew]?”

*Head shake*

“Would you ever say something remotely close to that to [nephew]?”

*Head shake*

“Then why the fuck do you think you have the right to say shit like that to Me? For the record, I don’t fucking want to hear it. I have enough to deal with and I am not educating your ignorant ass hole – not now, not ever”

*Open mouthed … looking a tad surprised*

You know sometimes I am all kinds of surprised about the shit people say to others because they want them to comply, or they want to feel more comfortable, or the want some other fucked up thing that someone like Me just doesn’t get …

But I Am Over It.

No More Motherfuckers.

kpm ©

 

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theunfucking.

‘Okay … WTF is that’ … I hear you saying.

Well my furry little friends, that is one of about half a dozen golf clubs positioned in various corners around my home: this one is by the bedroom door.

‘And … WTF do have those there for …’ I hear you asking.

Well compadres; these are multi purpose utensils, but there main function is to help Me feel safe.

‘Ohhhhh Okay …’

Yes I know.

Now, this is not an explanation post, a reasoning post, a ‘look, i’m fucked up’ post … it is supposed to be an informative type ‘this is my groove … my thang’ kind of post.

You see, a while ago I had all these golf clubs (and a few other ‘weapons’ as such) positioned in a basket type thing, in one corner of our lounge. They were more of a ‘stash’ – ‘just in case’ type thing.

Then I realised that I felt way safer … physically, and mentally thus psychologically, if they were all within arms reach.

Now yes, it may be a little OTT to for average non-pts(d)-peep, and pts(d)-peep I guess … but for Me, it helps Me to feel safer in my surroundings.

Slight digression … and slightly a sorta reasoning … but getting to an actual Me mindful point but the end of the digression ;)

I had a guy come to the door unannounced a few weeks ago. (PS I don’t do unannounced visits very well, so he was lucky I even opened the bloody door int he first place!) He had a clip board in his hands and he was pointing at the rental agencys title at the top, going on about fixing a wall and how he had been busy all week … physically, he started to try and walk into the house.

This sort of shit would un-nerve Me slightly but his arrogance (which he was oozing by the way) just fucked Me off.

I stood squarely in the door way, stared at him and asked him what his name was and what company he was from. He didn’t answer either of those questions and kept rambling on about the wall.

I knew what he was talking about so I told he could take a look.

I walked to the bedroom door before he could come inside … picked up the golf club and waved it in his general direction, stating that the wall in question was over here.

Now something interesting happened at this point. He ‘physically’ retreated; his shoulders went down and the tone in his voice lowered … he tip toed past Me and went in to the room … took about 5 seconds to look at the wall and then came out and went straight out side.

He rambled on abit more  and then left.

All the while, I leaned on my golf club and then waved goodbye with it as he left.

I learnt a valuable lesson that day … a couple actually.

I was capable of trusting my gutt, looking after myself and most importantly …

Always keep your confidence and a weapon within arms reach ;)

kpm ©

 

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unfucked. thyself.

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

Well my River trip photos have come to an end …. a beautiful end I must say :)

The entire experience, for Me, was mindful and beautiful and an achievement in and of itself. I had times of anxious-ness … the dreaded hot flush here and there … but there is something quite soothing about looking out onto this scene and feeling the feeling of being ‘present’, or part of something larger than yourself.

Because this is the land of my tipuna (ancestors), it held an extra special something for Me. My tipuna were hearty survivors … I am grateful to them for that part of my character.

<3

kpm ©

 

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unfucked thought.

Unopened.

Untouched.

New.

Thats what a flower bud tells Me.

They’re perfect – even before they’ve bloomed.

<3

kpm ©

 

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me.un.fucking.self

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

Pink sky at night … shepherds delight … well thats how that saying goes anyways .. something to do with the next day being good, weather wise.

Sometimes when I watch these I think … you just never know if you have a tomorrow … that you had a ‘today’, and you should be grateful for that. And most of the time, I am.

I am grateful for all the things I have .. and I don’t mean ‘stuff’, as in money, clothes, car etc … I mean things like – the love of my kids … that I love my kids … that I have 5 healthy beautiful mokos (grandchildren) who are absolutely gorgeous … I ate today … I have water to drink … that I have lived life … not always of my choosing, but I have lived … and I have the ability to learn to live better-er.

Those are the things I’m grateful for.

The rest is just carry-on luggage.

<3

kpm ©

 

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me & thyself.

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

As beautiful as it is, there is something quite eerie, but kind of majestic about the river. It feels like it has history … has stories to tell … if you’re willing to listen. It feels like it commands respect and remembrance … a kind of ‘thou shalt not fuck with me’ sort of feel, but nicer lol.

I found as I was photographing the River, that no matter where I stood to take a shot; how I leaned or shaped my body to get what I thought would be a nice shot … I ended up with something completely different … like it wanted to tell it’s own story.

So this shot was supposed to a little to the left … in my minds eye … but when it came out, it was perfectly in balance with how It wanted to be. The River always seems slightly hidden, but it perfect balance with its surroundings.

It was Us that were the intruders … the on lookers … the passer-bys. But non-the-less, I still felt connected to it in a strange but comforting way.

<3

kpm ©

 

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the unfucks.

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

I loved the wildflowers on our trip down the river .. they were everywhere … just hanging round, minding their own business, looking free and beautiful and shit …

No worries, no cares … thats the feels I got off’ve them. They didn’t over shadow and weren’t obnoxiously ‘out there’, they were just green and white and simple and elegant and beautiful – and could be easily missed if you weren’t really paying attention.

<3

kpm ©

 

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definitely unfucked.

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

It doesn’t really need a pretty little mindfulness explanation. Suffice to say I could watch this all day …

And I’ll just leave it right here … :)

kpm ©

 

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i.unfucked.

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

I’ve really struggled with this whole concept of being ‘mindful’. Not just because it seems kinda pussy, but also because it seems kinda ‘out there’, with nothing solid to base itself on. I’ve come to learn that my way of ‘mindfully doing shit’ is a little different than most, but I also grasped today, just a shred of ‘being present and enjoying the moment’.

Everything has been rather fucked of late and I’m slowly getting my ‘flip that shit’ narrative going. But it hasn’t been easy. Anyone thats been around here long enough knows that I have moments of feeling fucking victorious and other moments of feeling like a stunned possum that can’t leave the house.

You’ll also know … I’m getting hell’ah tired and fucked off with that shit.

This morning I got up early … like, Grandma and Grandad early … it was still dark lets put it that way.

I Decided I was going to the beach. By myself.

Now I used to be able to do that quite easily, maybe 6 months to a year ago. I had worked my way up to it and then done the deed and continued doing it. Somewhere in between holidays, my fucking father, my sister dying, menopause and general fucking pts(d) bullshit … I’d stopped going. And then when I wanted to go, I’d have a panic attack.

This morning: I did it my way.

Just at sunrise, with my morning coffee, I took my lame ass down to my beach and sat in the sand like a big kid.

I felt fucking victorious.

But I also felt ‘in my moment’; something I have been struggling with since I started trying to do this shit.

What changed?

I got stalked by 2 seagulls. Yes, you heard right. Little bastards kept creeping up on Me and it literally made Me laugh. So I photographed them as they made their little circles round Me and I soaked in my moment.

I felt there.

Present. Content. Alive.

Long winded story I know, and the photos are abit dodgy … but I don’t care. I’m pleased I figured out when I feel safe to go to the beach by myself. I had been missing it.

kpm ©

 

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more unfucking of thyself.

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

I’ve been trying to ‘re-write the narrative’ for a very long time … it’s not very easy to ‘unfuck thyself’, especially on a large scale.

Everything that I am is the opposite to what I have told I ‘should be’. Not just by well meaning peeps who are trying to do well meaning shit; and not just by non-well meaning peeps, trying to fuck shit up. This is a societal plague … where we believe we have the right to control someones path.

I hate it.

And I thought I hated it because I was fucked up.

Turns out (as I am slowly discovering), it is just the way I am.

It needs no apologises or descriptions or anecdotes of reasons … because something is different than something else, should it have to explain itself in defence of itself? NO. Just an explanation in the course of sharing who and what you are :)

Wha the fuck has that got to do with that shrivelled up weedy thorn looking photograph I have here?

It’s got every mindful fucking thing to do with it.

This is my version of beauty too.

And how do you describe that beauty as a positive without having to reexplain the negative?

This is what I mean: and btw, we do this with Everything we believe is a negative:

“The picture is of a bunch of weeds and thorns and prickles all dead and shrivelled and brown and dying looking.”

Instead of this … which is what I see:

“The photograph is a macro of the curves and flows of the bull thistle as it changes seasons. You can see the strength and resilience in it’s lengths; the fluffy bits round the edges make it feel ‘worn’ but welcoming.”

You know how tiring it is trying to describe something as a positive to someone that sees it as a negative?

<3

kpm ©

 

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unfucked.

Taking a break from the mind fuck that is colonisation and was a bit of a slow process to process …

But in amongst the scars on the landscape ….

There are moments.

Moments when you remember that everything is as is should be. The colours are good. The smells are good. The sounds are good. Everything here is good :)

I found my bees. My beautiful little bees ;)

kpm ©