kia ora ..

just a hello and a welcome to the tonne of newbies .. i see yous and thankyou for the follow!

so, as you peruse, you’ll see there doesnt seem to be much of a structure to this blog lol .. & thats purposeful.

i know i know.

i write & dump & hollah & scream & upload & download & dump some more .. as i feel.

for me, this is entirely the essence of anxiety & pts(d) for me.

within it, i’ve found some kinda semblance of balance & peace.

@ the end of the day thats all im trying to do really.

if you find some kind of something out of it too, then cool. & youre welcome lol.

but dont try to figure it out. you’ll just mind fuck yo’self lol & no-one wants that ay.

anyways .. welcome to you all .. even those selling yo wares .. yeah i see yous too …

.


kpm(c)

unfortunate chain of events , nei …

see

they aren’t talking,

cos it’s an unwelcome

uncomfortable truth.

& for some,

it’s just way more profitable that we stay killing ourselves & our own.

[ surely not you say ..]

[but .. yes ..]

it’s about more than talking.

it’s about patriarchy,

misogyny,

colonisation,

trauma,

intergenerational trauma ..

mash all that up with a tonne of booze & a pandemic

and tadah.

if we can completely change a societies structure in just over a year,

to include tracing people,

places

and households,

for the betterment of ‘communities’,

then we should have sorted the Domestic Violence shit storm years ago.

no?

yes?

But we haven’t.

why not?

go back to the top.


kpm©

Image

photography .257

#megettingmine #kpm©


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


& on the 3rd day .. they sat the fuck down

they actually were more concerned with not upsetting him rather than not upsetting me.

.

& now, it’s amusing that I’m anxious & afraid . 

still more interested in getting their own gratification in whatever form than listening to what I have I survived, become, endured, .. you just want the comfortable parts.

.

well i’m all out of that shit sir.


kpm©


 

6th thought for the day.

10 years of alone in my misery & learning.

what the fuck you think I been doing mate.

yep, figuring out my own shit & how to live with it.

to live.

& now you wanna have prayer circles & speak to the dead.

now you want to decolonise and admit how terrified you are.

now.

after all the bs.

hey .. it’s emotionally fucking draining.

& is this what they call “emotional labour” ??

for me,

it’s a new phase of radical self care as I watch those who gonna implode, implode.

cos, like i says :

i’m.done.explaining.myself.


kpm©


 

the stuff ..

all the little pieces i dropped along the way.

in order to survive.

to lean in.

& lean out.

i gotta find.

slowly find.

pick up.

turn over.

welcoming back to my repertoire.

only what i want.


kpm©


 

btw ..

i dont even like you.

*insert eye ball roll*


kpm©


 

Image

.. .. ..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

‘& where u been for the last decade ..’
.
.
.
ewwwww, bitch please.
.
.
.
judge not lest u wana be motherfuckin judged_ith yoself.
.
.
.
#dontknowifyoudontwanttoknow
#dontknowifyoudontask
.
.
#kpm©


*edit :

To expand ..
A recent conversation with an ‘out of touch friend’, had bold yet stenchy lil undertones .. fragrance was, fear with a large dolop of judgement.
I understood the fear.
.
But dude.
I been doing my work.
I been doing my healing.
& I don’t owe you shit.
If you’d wanted to know you would’ve asked, years ago.
But you weren’t interested then and youre not interested now.
You just want me to make you feel better about yo’self.
Guess what?
It don’t work that way!

.

we could write a thesis on this shit .. but it tiring af.

.


kpm©


 

angry

today i was told i was ‘too angry’.

pfft.

.

ever wondered why?

.


kpm©


 

ps:

criticise all you like ..

i know what my demons look like.

do you?


kpm©


 

. .

hold onto everything loosely.


kpm©


 

Video

tomorrow ~ six60

tomorrow ~ six60,  2019

Image

quote & conversations

the conversations, or lack thereof really, has been completely fucking interesting.

to those that fucked with this on a deep ass level .. who felt it completely .. i hear you!!

dont ever shut your mouth!!

as an addendum, on the original post, i added  .. just so we know <3


kpm©


 

Image

photography .254

#aotearoa #breathe #kpm©


kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


 

psa & self determination

i was raised amongst WW2 veteran whanau, fresh from war & the depression sporting undiagnosed ptsd, who voted social credit & believed the only way to change society was through government. 

i was also raised in a pentecostal christian environment whose theories included revelations & the mark of the beast, the return of christ, a white saviour, racism noting Maori & indigenous peoples being inferior, homophobia & white men being superior.

i was also raised amongst neo-nazism. whereby white supremacist theories hailed hitler as a saviour, jews as evil, & cleansing the population as imperative to the survival of the aryan nation. 

i believe in self determination as did my tipuna.

.

always ask questions.

always ask the ancestors.

always follow your instincts.

breathe & remain calm af.


kpm©


 

.. .. qt .15

just, stop.

completely, stop.

entirely, stop.

now, breathe.


kpm©


 

Video

holding on to you ~ terrence trent d’arby

holding on to you ~ terrence trent d’arby, 1995

my uterus.

upon further pontification .. im thinking with this whole menopausal thing, that with the ending of my cycles, comes the ending of my uterus being weaponised against me.  .. further pontification needed.


kpm©


 

reckonings

yesterday i had a conversation. 

pause.

that conversation confirmed what i knew to be true.

pause.

.

there aren’t too many people that i either love or trust. & am im fine with that now. i no longer buy into the theory that i need to love & light on everybody & that im somehow missing out because i dont trust.

trust is earned. its not a right. its also not a commodity. it also means that if i dont ‘trust’ you per se, that i won’t not fuck with you. we can have an exchange for whatever purposes, that dont require me to completely trust, or love you, for that matter.

.

so, this conversation centred around someone i love, some i trust. 

.

it turns out their narrative for me is a lot different when they talk to someone else.

i had suspected as much but like i said, i can still fuck with someone and not trust them completely.

.

turns out their narrative however, pretty much discounted my experience of child sexual assault by …

  1. amplifying those involved on the peripherals
  2. stating that they weren’t there so they dont know
  3. that because they are male they also dont know because that sort of thing cant happen to them
  4. disregarding / discounting the source of the information – me
  5. quoting the adage of leaving the past in the past.

im still processing.

i think im hurt.

maybe more disappointed.

but not unrealistically so, i think i was just hopeful.

deep realisation that they probably will never get it and dont want to.

that ‘the feeling’ of not being welcome or accepted or believed, is alive and fucken well.

today it hurts.

over the last week ive known there was something coming .. a change, a shift. that the narrative of the family of origin had written for me, actually benefited them, not me. for them to hear me would require they do some work on themselves. deep work.

instead they are rolling with the playwright that says our family were hard working good folks who paid their dues and thats it.

nowhere in there is there accountability mentioned for the pedo fuck or the myriad of twisted ways he fucked me up. neither is there any mention of the myriad of ingenious ways i survived & spent countless years undoing his fuckery so my kids would never have to experience that kind of indignity.

with the voiceover of a few empty words, they discounted the trauma & violation, the survival & management, the growth & enlightenment. 

.

i’ll sit with it.

but it won’t consume me.

its done that for too many years.


kpm©


 

qik update :

its been nearly a week and a half of not being at home!!

i’m currently elsewhere doing shit i need to do.

here’s what i am concurring :

  • i need the ocean, sound and smell, like a fat kid needs cake.
  • i am able to more than i originally thought
  • i am able to be away from home when the need is relevant
  • i can enjoy my life anywhere
  • i am completely able to find the joy in the small things no matter where im at, sometimes its a little harder
  • i am waaaaayyyyy more heartier than originally thought ;)

i go back home in just over another week & i will breathe in the air like i never left. but in the meantime i am practising being absolutely present where im at.

its harder than it seems.

but i can do it.

i can actually even enjoy it <3


kpm©