yesterday i had a conversation.
that conversation confirmed what i knew to be true.
there aren’t too many people that i either love or trust. & am im fine with that now. i no longer buy into the theory that i need to love & light on everybody & that im somehow missing out because i dont trust.
trust is earned. its not a right. its also not a commodity. it also means that if i dont ‘trust’ you per se, that i won’t not fuck with you. we can have an exchange for whatever purposes, that dont require me to completely trust, or love you, for that matter.
so, this conversation centred around someone i love, some i trust.
it turns out their narrative for me is a lot different when they talk to someone else.
i had suspected as much but like i said, i can still fuck with someone and not trust them completely.
turns out their narrative however, pretty much discounted my experience of child sexual assault by …
- amplifying those involved on the peripherals
- stating that they weren’t there so they dont know
- that because they are male they also dont know because that sort of thing cant happen to them
- disregarding / discounting the source of the information – me
- quoting the adage of leaving the past in the past.
im still processing.
i think im hurt.
maybe more disappointed.
but not unrealistically so, i think i was just hopeful.
deep realisation that they probably will never get it and dont want to.
that ‘the feeling’ of not being welcome or accepted or believed, is alive and fucken well.
today it hurts.
over the last week ive known there was something coming .. a change, a shift. that the narrative of the family of origin had written for me, actually benefited them, not me. for them to hear me would require they do some work on themselves. deep work.
instead they are rolling with the playwright that says our family were hard working good folks who paid their dues and thats it.
nowhere in there is there accountability mentioned for the pedo fuck or the myriad of twisted ways he fucked me up. neither is there any mention of the myriad of ingenious ways i survived & spent countless years undoing his fuckery so my kids would never have to experience that kind of indignity.
with the voiceover of a few empty words, they discounted the trauma & violation, the survival & management, the growth & enlightenment.
i’ll sit with it.
but it won’t consume me.
its done that for too many years.