#throwback Sep 6, 2015 @ 23:34
I found this today, and it made Me smile. The last post was a bit heavy and this just lightened the feng shui slightly ;)
I love love love my mokos (grandchildren): theres nothing on earth like the love for grand babies <3
At this stage of my pts(d) unravelling, I was still struggling to even leave the house and definitely was not feeling crowds of people … btw, a crowd at this stage was more then 2 lol.
This was one of those thoughts … events … moments … that I needed to do, and did do … and have realised, 3 years on, that even though it’s still fucking hard some days to do the people thing, or the event thing, or the anything thing … I have had moments upon moments that have made the next thing slightly more bearable … I am able to prepare just a little bit better.
I’ve also figured out, that things that I WANT to do need to take precedence over the things that I HAVE to do and DON’T WANT to do.
This was one of the former ;)
I call my littlest moko, Pookie. It suits her…for now. I’ve always given the babies nicknames that seem to suit them when they’re babies and wear off later…some have stuck though.
I used to call my nephew ‘Pud’, as in Pudding…but now he’s nearly taller than me, with long lanky beautiful basketball legs…so Pud wore off :)
But Pookie turned 1 recently. And I had been ‘preparing’ for the family gathering for months. Visualising…breathing…blah blah.
My daughter, mother of Pookie, decided last-minute (well week before actually), that it was all getting a bit much to try to achieve her high expectations lol…so I asked her if we could do Pookies birthday at our place. I figured it would be a nice last celebration for this place, us…and our Pookie.
She loves us BTW :) Just saying…
My partner was rather caught off guard…looking at me side ways doing that…’are you sure you wanna do that…you ptsd freak you?’…Yes, I do.
So we did…I breathed…I paced myself…I managed my anxious partner…my anxious daughter…her lovely but slightly disillusioned friends…and Pookies ‘other’ family and all their ‘chips’ and quirky ways. And I managed me!
Well celebrated the shit out of that birthday! And Pookie…well she loved every little minute…every little piece of cake…every song that played…every song we sang…every dance we had…every piece of dirt she managed to find as she crawled around on the floor…every cuddle and every little bit of giant love that she got from every single one of us!
And me, I loved it! I actually enjoyed it…more than enjoyed it…but I’m not sure of what the right word is lol! And I love that I’m starting to enjoy this stuff…instead of regretting that I missed so much stuff.
Fuck anxiety…fuck ptsd…they’re bitches.
I can’t wait for the next birthday now :)
And you know what’s even better…because I’m a little OCDish…I managed to have our entire place cleaned up afterwards, in about an hour lol.
Love you my Pookie darling xxoo