but it was soooooo worth it

I had the most amazing and slightly frustrating day yesterday. And I’m stilling processing it…but I live to tell the tale…

I attended my Grandsons school talent quest performance. He plays the drums, and he’s dam good!

For me though, getting there is always a mission, a mish that is harder on some days, easier others. So once again, I gathered up all my beepy bits, as I like to call then; my ‘sensory bag’ (it was originally going to be a box, but has turned into more of an overnight luggage bag lol), which contains things that are intended to ‘reconnect’ myself with the present…so if I disassociate whilst having the all glorious panic attack, I am, in theory, able to bring myself back to the here and now via touch, smell, sight and/or sound. Well that’s the theory anyway.

So with my sensory luggage bag in tow, and after a bit of deep breathing, I donned my dark glasses, got my ‘pillow and blanky’ and tentatively headed for the front seat of the car. I managed about 7 minutes before my sight started blurring and my heart rate started to increase. Once I had got a decent sweat on and felt like vomiting I decided to move to the backseat. It’s not as ‘in your face’ as the front. Anyways, I gave myself a high-five, felt a little defeated because I hadn’t done longer, but oh well.

In the back seat now, my heart was still racing and I was still feeling nauseous and dizzy and sweaty…lovely combination lol. But I breathed…tried listening to something soothing…then a comedy track (comedy…laughter usually gets my coherence in balance again) …. but this wasn’t really working either. I ended up blocking my ears and closing my eyes, and breathing deeper. By the time Id pretty much levelled out, we were at our destination…yah!

We had about an hour to pass before the performance, so I breathed a bit more and tried to distract myself with conversation and enjoying my other Grand-babies. They are very beautiful.

Then came the school. We walked a couple of  minutes….and walked into a large enclosed hall with about 200 children and 100 adults. OMG. I realised immediately this was possibly a wee bit too much lol. But I really really wanted to see my Grandson perform. I was looking in my bag for the ear plugs I had…I had figured it would be quite loud and the ear plugs, in theory would diminish a bit of that noise. Lessen the anxiety. Well I couldn’t find those bastards and had to gather myself before I shot off into a panic about not finding them to lessen the noise to lessen the panic! For fucks sakes!

So breathing deeply, I watched a couple of kids do their performances first. Bad singing and dancing. Completely rottenly judgemental I know….but oh well. But as I started to get a sense of the room and what was happening around me…I became more uncomfortable. [Btw…I was with my partner, grown children and their babies…one of my girls has an amazing way of lightening every moment and being herself…completely. She makes me laugh…they both do actually…and laughter is good for the soul and the coherence 😉 ]

Anyway…the room…it was really quiet. The room/school was pre-dominantly ‘white’ and ‘uptight’. That’s a bit of a generalisation I know….but my girls were educated in an ‘all brown’ school…spot the palangi type place. And while that had its hurdles, it was open…comforting…peaceful…like home. This place was…awkward…like a church or a courtroom; the kind of place that you couldn’t fart in just in case it was louder than was intended. And that’s what everyone looked like! Like they hadn’t farted in years…or desperately needed too but couldn’t or wouldn’t.

I had to try to keep my focus on why I was there and that I wanted to see moko perform. He’s so lovely…my first Grandbaby, (7 years old btw), and an absolute beautiful creation. He has such a wise old soul; big brown knowing all eyes. And as he’s gotten older, he manages to challenge everyone and everything; their values, their theories, their realities. He’s gorgeous…he actually reminds me of how I used to be lol and what I’m trying to return too.

So when he gets up to perform, everything’s quiet…uptight quiet…and we are waiting for his music to come on. And it didn’t – turns out the teacher thought his musical choice was ‘inappropriate’ pfft. So the silence extended slightly…then he started anyway…on the fly, he pulled a piece out of his musical repertoire and smashed those drums like there was a full on Metallica concert happening…and he was the only one invited! He rocked! And I was so excited…I felt so proud and in love with my awesome moko!

And guess what…in that moment…not a hint of any type of anxiousness happened…no increased heart rate nonsense…no, ‘I think I’m gonna pass out’ bullshit…Just sheer joy and pleasure!!!

I’m still recovering from my expedition…but it was soooooo worth it!

Love you moko xoxo

First Published on: May 24, 2015 @ 12:49 ❤

+ As I read over these old posts, I am reminded how far I’ve come and how fucking gangstah I actually am 😉

July 22nd 2017, @1236 ❤

mauri of me #25 ~ moko #3

Like all the mokos, moko #3 is special … and being a nanny means I am completely biased … as I should be. However, what gets Me about moko #3, or little miss 8 now … is she’s a pain in the ass lol. What admire though is how she is able to ‘read the room’ (in her unique way) and figure out in minutes what a person’s vulnerability or sore point is. She generally can figure out what she needs to do to exploit that persons weakness to get what she wants. On its own, this ‘trait’ sounds kinda dodgy lol … but I realised one day, that this shit is what people train for when they go into sales … how to read a person and exploit their ‘weakness’ to get a sale.

Well miss moko has figured out how to do this all on her own 😉

Whats also interesting though, is she won’t exploit the ‘actual’ vulnerable.

We have a nephew who has severe CP, and miss 8 / moko #3, will spend hours playing quietly with him. This is a 2 fold thing for her though … 1. she’s able to hang out with the nephew and spend time with him and 2. when she wants quiet time, if she goes by him, no-one bugs her because ‘polite people’ can’t deal with a severely impaired CP nephew; so they leave them both alone. Now how freaking genius is that.

I admire that moko #3 is able to manage her; is able to get what she needs and what she wants; I admire that she pushes every and any boundary to adjust and find her own; I admire that she pisses people off so easily and isn’t terribly phased – cos you know how many years people sit in a councillors office trying to figure this shit ay!; I admire that she ‘sees’ people – their insides – their intent – long before the person can themselves.

Added to all this charm, moko #3 is an awesome little fashionista. She knows what she likes and how to put it together and she doesn’t give a rats ass what other people think or say … because there have been some rude bastards comment on how ‘she’s put together’, criticising her style. But she brushes it off like it aint no thing … and usually gives them a look of  … ‘what ever ; you obviously have no idea’ lol. Not once does she take any of that criticism on board!

I love miss moko #3 … I can’t wait to see what she does next 😉

yeah, ok …

So,as I sit here downloading more episodes of Dora the bloody explorer, for moko #4’s impending arrival … listening to the fire roaring, cos its also bloody freezing … feeling toasty in my birthday slippers … and looking super comfy with my Nanny bun on top of my head …

A thought occurs …

‘When did I stop being gangster?’

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mauri of me #14 ~ moko #3

My moko #3.

She’s a beauty. She’s 3 and has always been mamas girl.

Which has produced this secure, steadfast, knows exactly what she likes and doesn’t like, kind of little darling.

What is ultra funny though … and I appreciate immensely, is that she seems to be able to intimidate most people. I’ve even seen grown men squirm 😉

As strange as this sounds, it is true.

Little darling won’t talk if she doesn’t want to. Especially if she doesn’t understand what it is your saying … or if what you’re saying is bullshit 😉

As the ‘conversation’ evolves, you can see the adult digging themselves a big ass hole that they pretty much cover over themselves too. All the while, Miss 3 hasn’t said a word but has kept eye contact throughout.

Everything that ends up pouring out of the adults mouth, are all those uncomfortable little social innuendos that people do in social situations, but aren’t really ‘anything’.

With Miss 3, it goes abit like this:

‘Oh, you’re so cute; How old are you; i bet you love kindy; which kindy do you go too; oh thats a pretty dress; did your mama buy that dress; oh i see you have chocolate; aren’t you a lucky girl; oh you don’t say much do you; she’s cute though …..’

The hole has been dug at this point.

None of that ‘conversation’ is for anyones sake other than the adults. They’re not actually asking questions for Miss 3 to answer, they’re just filling up the air with that whiney ‘ohhhhhh, you’re so cute’ voice that people like to make when they talk at children.

The Brilliance of Miss 3 …. ” Homie don’t play that 😉 ”

Oh I love her … I feel like we’re kindred spirits LOL.

Well, the other day … Miss 3, chose this little treat for Me.

The partner wanted to get something ‘flashy-er’: but Miss 3 chose this.

And I loved that she chose this one: it’s not adult-y, at all 😉

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366 reasons to smile ~ +64.

+64. Miss midget and 4 freaking very long hours of Dora the bloody Explorer!! LOL …  cute though xoxo

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mauri of me #8 ~ moko #1

Moko #1 will be 9 this year. What a little man he is 🙂

He’s taught Me so much about being a child … being who we are …

He rocks the boat most days and has questions for miles! And both of those things, I absolutely love about him. He has the questions that no-one asks, because its ‘improper’ to do so; he’s the one who is somehow able to put things into questions when we can’t quite figure out what the question is, that needs to be asked … he’s the one that challenges everything that would appear to be right or normal, and stretches the imagination and the perception … i.e.: “who made god then???” … he’s 9 🙂

I was there at his birth … and remember well the overwhelming feeling of becoming a grandmother … and the sheer joy that also came with becoming a grandmother.

And I love being a grandmother 🙂

He has big brown eyes and a beautiful smile. I love his nature and his way; his talents and character.

He is part of Me. I am part of Him.

And I absolutely love him to bits xoxox

the week ..

Interesting ‘re-find’ … it would seem that ‘re-connecting’ aint all that its cracked up to be!
Father of Me is a douche-pool.
Yes, I’m still working on it 😉

meptsdandallthefuckedupshitinbetween

Lame title I know, but any who…

So, I wasn’t ready for anyone to die.

That’s kind of another lame thing … like when are we really ever ready? I mean, really?

I have planned for all sorts of things in my lifetime. And most of them have been fatalities; or doom and gloom bad shit experiences, that are more than likely going to happen .. and death has been one of those. Mine and those around me.

My brilliant plan has always consisted of the obvious .. familiarised looking grief  with a minimal amount of pain or emotion involved .. followed by a brain rest period to readjust and recalibrate.

It’s always worked.

Until it didn’t.

Why didn’t it Yoda, I asked?

Because I no longer have the ability to disassociate like I used too.

I know this. But it’s not until something happens from the doom and gloom bad…

View original post 751 more words

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moko #1 and our love of music <3

Moko #1 left yesterday 😦

I so enjoyed having him here … he’s a little darling … and sooooo smart.

He’s abit of a musician, so its a love (of music) that we share. He has a set of drums and has just become the proud owner of an Amp for his electric guitar.

We did abit of discussing of ‘genres’ … as in he’s still finding his groove … and what he likes to play too versus listen too.

Now Moko is also a bit of a know-it-all (dunno where he got that from lol) and he wanted to know why I was singing along to a song he’d been singing most of the week. This song:

  • I’m Still Standing – Elton John, 1983

Apparently it was a ‘new’ song and had I ‘seen the movie’??

Well, this started a 2 hour convo on music. With YouTube in hand, I took him on a very long journey looking at where his ‘new music’ originated from … that ‘Sing’ didn’t make up these songs, but they were in fact ‘covers’. Nothing wrong with covers I said; but plugging that he needed to know where they came from. Just like family 🙂

Then we did a check of music genres, as he was certain that he should be playing his other ‘grandfathers’ music. Little bug bear for me … his ‘other grandfather’ (my ex-husband), is a critical twat; and he’s told Moko #1 that he ‘hits the drums too hard’, ‘can’t follow the beat properly’ and ‘needs to listen better’; which has quite successfully, taken Moko #1s joy away re playing the drums … or anything for that matter. My mission is to give that back to him 😉

So, I proceeded to play him this, for abit of inspiration 😉 :

  • Alien Weaponry – Raupatu, 2017.
  • No copyright was found, however, because I’m down with promoting Tangata Whenua, the following is on the YouTube blurb:
  • Published on Jan 31, 2017
    Produced By Tom Larkin
    Mixed by Samuel K Sproull at Studios in The city Melbourne.
    Recorded at Roundhead Studios New Zealand.
    Videography by Dave Thomson & Piotr Ziomus.
  • You can also follow Alien Weaponry here:
  • https://www.facebook.com/AlienWeaponry/
  • What is ultra ultra brilliant about this band, is that they are all Tangata Whenua, and they are all young men 🙂

Now not a thrash metal fan myself, I wasn’t too sure how he’d take this … but much to my surprise … he loved it! And the reason, I figured … was because if nothing else … thrash is pure artistic expression! And Moko #1 could feel that!

So today, we have an old friend of ours …  and a thrash metal drummer … going out to Mokos house to show him how he plays the drums 😉 Excellent!!!!

So back to the lessons: Moko #1 was insistent that this song:

  • Don’t You Worry Bout A Thing (Cover) – Tori Kelly, 2016.

… came from the movie ‘Sing’ … again … and again, a long winded disagreement ensued, until I found this:

  • Don’t You Worry Bout A Thing – Stevie Wonder, release 1973.

And now we have a new Stevie Wonder fan in Moko #1 … who is also apparently impressed that a blind guy can play the piano like that!

Which got us back to the topic of

“Feeling the Music”

Big smiles as Moko got it, finally !!!

Yuss – my job here is done!

xoxox

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366 reasons to smile ~ +17

+17 . Me and moko 4 🙂 Only time I manage to get cuddles with her is when she’s asleep! xo

 

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mauri of me #2 moko #4

This little human being, (moko #4) melts the heart. The youngest of the mokos at the moment, she has arrived at a time when I am more responsive as a Nan.

And theres a few things that I’ve really noticed about her … and Me.

She has no fear … no fear of being wrong, or right, of screaming what she wants, of doing her own thing. She, even at 2, is outspoken and demanding … she knows exactly what she wants and needs. And when she does become frightened, of a noise, or a stranger, or something she doesn’t understand … she is still able to demand what she needs … ‘I need comfort … a cuddle …’, whatever … she is able to articulate (verbally and non-verbally) that in no uncertain terms 😉

And as I watch her demand her space and freedom and her cuddles and anything else that she wants or needs … I see what I missed, but was always going on inside of Me.

I possess that same strength … it is just being ‘voiced’ exponentially ‘now’, making up for everything that never got to be expressed ‘then’.

Thats not a sad thing … thats a part of Me that I can do now … it’s also a part of Me that this little human being has inherited … and she will master it better than Me 🙂