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unfucking.thyself & slowly.succeeding !

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

in amongst the week(s) that have been, both tiring & awesome … we celebrated moko 5’s 5th birthday.

part of my goals this year, have been to attend all the mokos birthdays & i knew this one was going to be full on. it also came at the end of the weekend after the exhibition, so was even more full on for sensitive little moi lol.

but i did it & did it well.

moko #5 is gorgeous. she’s so herself it’s almost intimidating lol, no actually, it’s inspiring & challenging. with the greatest of ease she is able to say what she needs, say what she doesn’t need, express her opinion and dislike and most importantly, express her love. she’s lovely to watch <3

what was also beautiful was seeing mokos #5’s family all over the place. she had her cousins from all sides … aunties, uncles, nans & grandads, all there celebrating with her. the awesome thing about moko #5’s mama is the connections she makes, and keeps, with all of her family … near & far – she’s managed to keep in touch with them all & make them part of the mokos lives. it’s a pretty cool thing to watch unfold … cos i know, they will never be alone and never be lacking in support and love. what more could a nanny ask for <3


kpm ©


 

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updates and tooting my own horn again …

This has taken a couple days to actually put together … not because it’s so detailed and in-depth and required tonnes and tonnes of amazing research …

No, it’s just taken ages to post cos whilst I am unbelievably awesome lol I also did my shizz in and am still recovering hah!

So, spur of the moment (which a. I don’t do and b. I don’t do ever …) I decided to go to my moko’s school assembly. I had been pondering on for a couple days and on the morning of, I announced to the partner I would be going.

He looked freaked out and rather stunned but to his credit, rolled with it.

What made Me decide to do such an out left field thing for Me? Because more and more I am beginning to realise that we only have ONE life and it has an expiry date. Whilst I know I need to do things at My pace and how it works for Me (and thats taking practice), there are certain times that I know it’s just fear that’s stopping Me. Not just the run of mill pts(d) fear, but the fear of the fear of the run of the mill pts(d) fear. And it’s those times that I’m trying my fucking hardest to conquer.

Friday was one of those days.

So I got my shit together and got in the car and we went.

I was nervous but reasonably prepared. And btw, I was planning on wearing shoes but decided last minute that shoes just make Me feel more claustrophobic so I was better off without them! So I rolled with that.

Last time I went to mokos school assembly I was more nervous (couple years ago now ..) and hadn’t really learned about my sensory freak outs, so this time I was better prepared.

I took the drugs. Just cos. It’s way harder without them and at the moment it’s all about desensitising my shizz and the drugs help with that.

I also had the earplugs! And thank fuck for the earplugs! They did the business alright. It took out a whole sensory element and I was able to just focus on smell and sight fuckery … oh and balance lol.

But I did it! I stood throughout the assembly cos for some reason, sitting on small awkwardly arranged chairs, crammed up next to a smelly somebody I don’t know, is not my idea of relaxing. So I stood right by the back door way and I managed to take photos.

The only fuck up … which was epic really … and I wouldn’t really call it a fuck up … but it certainly called unnecessary attention to myself …

When one is wearing earplugs, one can’t hear whats happening around you, which is awesome: one can also not tell how loud one is speaking. Sooooo, when I said “get out of the way dick” in what I thought was a quiet voice … turns out it was loud enough for my moko to hear at the other end of the hall.

So yeah … be warned … if you wear earplugs, you speak louder than you think your speaking. Lol.

Anyways … I had a great time watching the moko … I’m so proud of him :)

Afterwards, I went and hung out with my youngest daughter at her new home and caught up with moko #5 … that was cool :)

And then we all had dinner back at my other daughters house. It was so cool … I felt … calm … happy … included ;)

Moko #2 made Me this:

…which made my night.

I came home feeling full and happy and warm xo

And … it’s taken 2 days to recover lol.

But it was worth it!


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#bnw #mokolove #photography #kpm ©


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#beachday #rainyday #mokoday #photography #kpm©


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#moko #shutdown #macro #photography #kpm ©


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unfucking?

Today was a sicky, yucky fucked day health wise. I’m not sure whats going on but may actually warrant a trip to the doctors / hospital if it doesn’t settle. I even had trouble focusing and holding my hands steady to actually take a photograph! Not cool!

Anywho … on my hundredth trip to the bathroom, I passed the fridge … again. And this little beauty grabbed my attention.

Our fridge is covered with all the Mokos (grandchildren) drawings, and this drawing was done by Moko #2 when she was about 6. All these gorgeous little stick figures are part of our ‘family’; the 3 in focus are:

Blue – Moko #2

Orange – Koro (Grandfather … my partner)

Crimson – Me :)

I love how moko #2 feels in her family … safe and loved … and she has always drawn just that. I am always drawn / placed on the outside edge of their pictures and this used to offend Me until I realised Moko #2 seems to know I’m the Watcher … the Protector.

How mindful is this scene? I’m uncertain … but it means a hell of lot too Me.

Love and extra light today.

<3


kpm ©


 

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unfucked thyself. again.

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

A #photograph of my sandy feet was not exactly what I was going for re awesomely mindful photograph – However the triumph that is these little tootsies, is the realisation that not one little inch of anxiety hindered the mid-morning swim in our beautiful ocean with my beautiful Mokos.

We had Fun! And I learnt a very valuable lesson:

Moko #2 conquered her fear of the waves and I got to help and watch her defeat her fear first hand. Do you know how utterly gorgeous it is to watch fears be conquered?

It is very gangstah indeed.

And it dawned upon Me-ith that the encouragement and love I showed her as she manoeuvred her way through her fear; the questions she asked and I answered to the best of my ability; the tentatively tip-toeing in, with her hand in mine, and then the running out screaming at the top of her lungs; hand still in mine; then her turning round to face those waves again with a gritty look on her little face and doing that all over again … Until …

She decided to do it alone, past waist deep, under the watchful eye of Me, and rode those waves on her boogie board and screeched with pure delight!

You could see the sheer victory on her face … and that was glorious!

What she taught Me, was sometimes you need someone to hold your hand as you Fight Fight Fight.

<3


kpm ©


 

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unfucked memory.

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

Another ‘moko’ aka Grandbaby memory:

The Mokos (Grandchildren / Grandchild) Koro (Grandfather) (my partner) makes a cooked breakfast most mornings. Even though their parents would usually have given the mokos their usual breakfast / milk or whatever it was that was their norm; once ‘cooked breakfast’ arrived, each moko (except for 1 – Moko 3), would crawl up onto his lap whilst he was eating and starting poking around at his toast and baked beans, the sausages and bacon. He’s complain about them ‘eating all his breakfast’ and they’d sit happily on his lap eating away, till the plate was empty.

Mokos aged 9 and 8 still do they same thing, but without crawling up into his lap now. He’ll ask them if they want a cooked breakfast … they reply No … and then as he dishes up, they appear with: “Oh, Koro, can we have some baked beans …”, he rolls his eyes and dishes up extra plates of food.

What I really enjoyed this morning was the stories he told them of all the times they’d eaten up his breakfast, followed by the hysterical belly rolling laughter that followed. They sat and ate and laughed for nearly an hour.

I guess the important thing about growing up are the memories. For these darling Mokos, I really hope they embrace the memories and the laughter. Some of the most important things in this life.

<3


kpm ©


 

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miss moko #4s born day

For Me: Grandma, and all my ‘hiccups’ … yesterday was freaking exhausting and freaking awesome!!

I love being round my family … I love soaking up their goodness … seeing their smiles and hearing their laughter. It’s so good for the soul!

And yesterday was one of those days.

My girl had done so well with the food prep and decorations and was still pretty cool, calm and collected by the time we got there.

Moko #4 was owning it, as she does ;)

We laughed, and sang, and danced, and ate, and drank, and ate some more and sang some more. Moko #1 had prepared a little song and drum solo for his cousins birthday, so while we ate some more, he did his thing.

And what a beautiful thing that was! I was so proud of him :)

By the time we had rounded up the day I was even more exhausted than I had been at the beginning of the day lol. But it was a nice exhausted.

My only anxiety flutter came on our way to the mokos house, when we stopped at the garage to gas up the car. It just felt noisey and bright and that started the usual bullshit for Me … but I breathed deep, closed my eyes and blocked my ears for a couple of minutes and it seemed to subside slightly. Enough to last till the partner had done his thing and we were off again.

Whew.

I’m hoping for more of these days. I seem to be able to manage the things I enjoy … not so much the things I don’t want to do or have to fake.

Lesson learnt? : Don’t do anything I don’t want to do?

Sounds good to Me.


kpm ©


 

my babies are on the move again

The house that my kids and mokos moved in to recently, has been sold and they are on the move again. This time they are going back into town.

Being in the countryside has done them all the most amazing world of good. The mokos (grandchildren) have discovered their groove and rediscovered their confidence. My eldest daughter has found her groove, gotten herself a new job – which she’s loving, and most importantly, she’s learnt how to say No to the stuff she doesn’t want or need! My youngest daughter has a new appreciation for her sister and the amount of work she does … the stresses that face a mama with 3 extremely strong willed little darlings. She has also found her groove and another layer of confidence. She enrolled in a hair dressing course, which she’s loving! It’s so nice to see her happy at what she’s doing. And her little midget, #4 moko, has thrived with her cousins around. She’s loved and protected – x6 … and she’s benefiting from that. And the oldest girls partner … well he makes Me proud :) He struggles with so much feminine strength around him lol … but he too, is finding his groove.

So, my eldest daughter rang Me at midnight the other night … and once I realised there was No pending emergency, she says … ‘Well you’re usually awake, so I thought I’d ring for a chat and to see how you are’ LOL … how could I refuse that :)

As we do, we got into deep conversation pretty quickly and a couple things came out.

To digress though: Me and the partner had been discussing the ‘kids and puppy’ video thats been doing the rounds on social media recently. This dude set up an experiment to lure kids away from a park, (with their parents present) with a cute little puppy. Every single kid went with the stranger; rightly so, the parents were horrified. Now theres all kinds of shizz ethically wrong with doing this sort of experiment, but what it did bring to light – or so they thought – was that kids are easily manipulated, thus unprotected.

My comment to the partner was, that it wasn’t so much that kids were easily manipulated, but that We (society, schools, parents, friends) have taught our kids, with one hand to be socially ‘polite’, and then with the other hand, have told them not to talk to strangers etc. But technically they are not strangers after they have introduced themselves, right? We make our kids kiss aunty so-and-so, when they meet her for the first time, even when the kid doesn’t want to … because, ‘it’s rude not too’. And then We act surprised when they toodle off with a nice stranger who has a cute puppy. I reckoned my Mokos wouldn’t do this. Because what they have been taught is something very different.

A. Trust their gut.

B. If they don’t want to pucker up for aunt maude, they don’t, and they’re not told off for it.

Un-digress and back to topic…

My daughter said that she had organised for 2 of her church friends to go and pick up moko #1 & #2 after school on this particular day; but she had forgotten to tell the mokos.

So ‘after school’ arrives, and these 2 churchies rock up to the school to pick up the mokos. But they refused to get in the car. (I was chuckling by this point of the story … ). The 2 churchies did what ‘people’ usually do, which in my opinion is undermining and dangerous – they told the mokos that a. they knew who they were, so it’d be safe b. that their mother had rung them and organised this c. that it wasn’t their (the churchies) fault that the mokos mother hadn’t told them d. everything would be alright.

And the mokos still refused to get in the car with them. The mokos explanation to the churchies was: a. We are allowed to get in the car with 5 people. b. You guys are not on that list.

In the end, the churchies rang the mokos mother and bluntly said, ‘your kids won’t get in the car’. To which, my daughter replies: ‘Aw, good darlings. I forgot to tell them you were picking them up. Put them on the phone”.

Moko #1 gets on the phone … ‘Hey Mum … they’re not on the list ay.’ … ‘Yes son, you did good! I forgot to let you both know they were coming to pick you up, sorry about that. But what you did was perfect!’.

And it was!! She was proud of her babies … and I was super proud as a Nan, of my girl and the mokos :)

Then we got on to the impending move. She was worried that the mokos would be anxious and not want to go, and she was feeling guilty. So she re-framed the whole thing for them. And they re-framed it back.

Turns out they are excited to be ‘getting a new house’ cos the other is ‘old’ now.

And thats it.

They’re not anxious or overly complicated by the move … it’s just another adventure for them, and an adventure that they all get to have together! Isn’t that just beautiful :)

Turns out the whole parenting out of guilt, in my opinion, is a sickness that follows shitloads of parents … and I wonder if it has a lot to do with the resulting ‘i’m entitled’ attitudes that ooze out of some kids. It also seems to be partially responsible for the lack of common sense and reality they seem Not to possess.

But I’m proud of my kids … I’m proud of their mistakes, their efforts, their forthrightness, their ability to think, articulate, question …

I love them <3

So a couple more weeks and we will be helping them make their next move … to start their next adventure :) So exciting!


kpm ©


 

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moko #3.

My moko #3.

She’s a beauty. She’s 3 and has always been mamas girl.

Which has produced this secure, steadfast, knows exactly what she likes and doesn’t like, kind of little darling.

What is ultra funny though … and I appreciate immensely, is that she seems to be able to intimidate most people. I’ve even seen grown men squirm ;)

As strange as this sounds, it is true.

Little darling won’t talk if she doesn’t want to. Especially if she doesn’t understand what it is your saying … or if what you’re saying is bullshit ;)

As the ‘conversation’ evolves, you can see the adult digging themselves a big ass hole that they pretty much cover over themselves too. All the while, Miss 3 hasn’t said a word but has kept eye contact throughout.

Everything that ends up pouring out of the adults mouth, are all those uncomfortable little social innuendos that people do in social situations, but aren’t really ‘anything’.

With Miss 3, it goes abit like this:

‘Oh, you’re so cute; How old are you; i bet you love kindy; which kindy do you go too; oh thats a pretty dress; did your mama buy that dress; oh i see you have chocolate; aren’t you a lucky girl; oh you don’t say much do you; she’s cute though …..’

The hole has been dug at this point.

None of that ‘conversation’ is for anyones sake other than the adults. They’re not actually asking questions for Miss 3 to answer, they’re just filling up the air with that whiney ‘ohhhhhh, you’re so cute’ voice that people like to make when they talk at children.

The Brilliance of Miss 3 …. ” Homie don’t play that ;) ”

Oh I love her … I feel like we’re kindred spirits LOL.

Well, the other day … Miss 3, chose this little treat for Me.

The partner wanted to get something ‘flashy-er’: but Miss 3 chose this.

And I loved that she chose this one: it’s not adult-y, at all ;)


kpm ©


 

moko #4

This little human being, (moko #4) melts the heart. The youngest of the mokos at the moment, she has arrived at a time when I am more responsive as a Nan.

And theres a few things that I’ve really noticed about her … and Me.

She has no fear … no fear of being wrong, or right, of screaming what she wants, of doing her own thing. She, even at 2, is outspoken and demanding … she knows exactly what she wants and needs. And when she does become frightened, of a noise, or a stranger, or something she doesn’t understand … she is still able to demand what she needs … ‘I need comfort … a cuddle …’, whatever … she is able to articulate (verbally and non-verbally) that in no uncertain terms ;)

And as I watch her demand her space and freedom and her cuddles and anything else that she wants or needs … I see what I missed, but was always going on inside of Me.

I possess that same strength … it is just being ‘voiced’ exponentially ‘now’, making up for everything that never got to be expressed ‘then’.

Thats not a sad thing … thats a part of Me that I can do now … it’s also a part of Me that this little human being has inherited … and she will master it better than Me :)


kpm ©


 

family time

I decided to go stay with my daughters and the mokos the other day. Just for a catch up. I also think I was excited from my trip away with my Mama and that I could actually do it! I wanted to see what else I could do – stretch my limits so to speak.

And I loved it … I got to see moko 4 … lots of cuddles and stories :) And my youngest daughter … I hadn’t caught up with either of them after they returned from up north a few weeks ago.

Mokos 1, 2 and 3 … well they were their beautiful selves as well! Moko 1 has been playing the drums since he could walk and set up an elaborate construction of pots and pans on the floor and bash the living shit out of them … and now, at 8 years old, he has his own little drum kit and is having lessons. And now he’s teaching Me :) And guess what?? I think I’ve found my thing! You know, that thing that makes everything alright??!!! Yeah, well it turns out I’m not half bad! And I love bashing the living shit out of those things and making some kind of semblance of ‘music’ ;) So a set of drums is now on the ‘wish list’ slash ‘save for list’. My neighbours will be thrilled LOL.

Moko 1 is a deep wee soul too … he’s a thinker … thinks outside the box. He makes me smile :)

Then theres Moko 2. Whoaza! Miss 7 … oh, how to describe Miss 7 … sensitive – pushes the boundaries – pushes the buttons – knows the weak points in anothers personality – caring – empathetic (way beyond her years) – stroppy – vocal …

She’s gorgeous and she’s recently discovered a love for gymnastics. Not only is she extremely good it, but she loves it. You know how cool it is to see someone you love find their groove? Especially so early on in life! And for Miss 7, rhythm, dance, movement, design … these are all her things … that add to the beauty that is her :)

Moko 3 … well … she has the straightest face I’ve ever seen on a child. Piercing eyes … enough to make a grown man feel awkward. You know how proud I am of that skill LOL! And she knows what she wants … she’s nearly 3, and is very sure of what she likes and dislikes … likes, being chocolate and The Fast and The Furious LOL … dislikes, being loud noises and someone in her face! She reminds me a lot of her Mama :)

Moko 4 … has just turned 2. What a little madam :) Very cute … very particular … very much in her own groove; giving her Mama a run for her money … and now they’re living with my eldest daughter, Moko 4 is finding a whole new confidence … you know the kind that has ‘back up’. When Mama says No, she has Aunty and Uncle and Cousins she can run to, drop her lip and point to the top shelf where the ‘bic-its’ (biscuits) are, and they’ll get them for her LOL. Extremely resourceful darling :)

So, an enjoyable couple of days with everyone.

I survived … I conquered … I stretched myself … I had a couple of ‘moments’, but nothing to warrant medication ;)

And guess what?

I’m fucking exhausted now LOL!!!


kpm ©


 

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family fatigue ??

I have had the most amazing few days with my mokos and then last night with my daughters. They’re so beautiful … yes I am slightly biased though.

Up until this particular round of moko madness, I’ve found having them stay for longer than 24 hours, hugely challenging. Not just because these two are ‘miss nearly 3’ and ‘miss just turned 7’ and talk and ask ‘why’ incessantly … not at all LOL … but because I usually get fatigued, then overwhelmed by the noise, then frustrated, then sad, then feel them guilts, then back to fatigued … yes PTSD can be a bitch.

What I noticed quite dramatically this time though, was the lack of all those things! And in the moments that those things started to raise their ugly heads, I was able to manage them. I breathed, I ‘grounded’, I slowed down, I articulated what I needed, I made sure I got what I needed … I made sure they understood what was happening. It made the whole experience completely fucken awesome!

That corner that I rounded without really realising it … well it’s pretty bloody cool.

And as I sat up till 430am, and gas bagged with my daughters … ate chocolate … YUM … and watched cheesy funny movies … I loved every minute of it! I loved them … I loved feeling a new sense of freedom and relief.

Ahhhhh … *happy sigh*


kpm ©


 

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gender and the ‘trans’ view …

Not on purpose, but we’ve watched a couple of movies over the weekend that were about the ‘transgender movement’. One was ‘dressed as a girl’; the other was, ‘the Danish girl’. Interesting watching these with the partner, as he’s a bit of an old school homophobe, but I think that’s more to do with being ‘uncomfortable’ with the thought some guy may want his butt hole…lol…I have said to him…’dear, your hot, sure…but don’t flatter yourself’.

Now he’s had to sort of deal with some of his ideas recently…and I’ve been challenged myself. That’s because my youngest daughter and our moko share a house with a friend of hers from school…who is, by the ‘traditional’ understanding of the word, transgender…well ‘our’ description of transgender anyway. Whats interesting about hanging out with her, is that she has no confusion about who she is. When the mokos asked her whether she was a girl or a boy…she replied…’I’m human’. I like that…and the mokos liked that too…they completely understood that explanation. The partner had a little more trouble…but I think the mokos will probably teach him :).

Now that whole conversation says something for the ‘new’ climate that our kids are being raised in…if we let them. My girl is a breath of fresh air when it comes to embracing all that someone is…she has absolutely no issue with who someone is, gender wise. And I think I’d be pretty much be the same. As far as I’m concerned, its none of my god damn business what or who someone wants to be; or who they sleep with for that matter. Unless they’re assholes of course; then they can go fuck themselves…no matter who they are! And on that note…when my girl has issues with her transgender flat mate…she becomes a ‘he’…and when they are on good terms, she remains a ‘she’…funny. Such flexibility lol.

But anyway, I’m no expert on the subject, as in, I have never walked half a mile in these shoes, so can not talk about a first hand experience with the subject matter. I’m also no expert on gay ‘issues’ or the hermaphrodite ‘condition’. However, I do know I don’t like any of these terms…just saying. But that has more to do with my aversion to labelling things and people and having categories which we can neatly place ‘types’ into.

What I do know though, is my own mind.

I can understand not being able to be who I am; being stuck; being suppressed and held down. I understand wanting to be free to be what I am and not having the tools or the understanding to be able to accomplish that. I understand struggling with perceptions and mis-perceptions that would have me be something other than all that I am. I understand having my gender and sexuality attacked because it is perceived to either be a commodity or something ‘less’ than the rest. I do understand what it is to be physically trapped in a being that is the opposite to what I feel I am.

And for these reasons, the dudes in the Danish girl movie…have made it onto my very short list of peeps that I admire ;). Trail blazers, both of them. For the wife, who ‘lost’ her husband as he transitioned…and who ultimately lost her best friend because he wanted to become all that he/she was supposed to be. I found that enormously sad. But the husband; the artist; who chose to follow his heart, his insides and ended up losing his/her life…but was entirely at peace in the knowledge and physicality of being ‘whole’…that takes some extra ordinary courage…big balls, so to speak ;)

I really hope there comes a day, when we will all see the shades of every color, as a whole piece of art. You can’t have one without the other…that’s what makes it beautiful.

Well, that’s what I taught my babies…and I hope they teach their babies the same thing.


kpm ©


 

chilling with my girl

The last of the recent family gatherings was coupled with a trip to the doctors. I’ve avoided the doctors for the past few months and really, I haven’t particularly needed to go. But I got a routine check up and repeats and got him to refer me back to the ENT to check the Vertigo (BPPV) situation. The shrink is trying to eliminate ’causes’…good on her.

Anyway…big ups to me for getting there with minimal fuss…still in the back seat, but some days you just have to know which battles to tackle. Being in the front seat wasn’t high on the priority list. So I breathed and distracted myself and I did good.

The highlight of this day was going to see my older daughter and the mokos!

My big girl is stunning. She amazes me all of the time! She has such a beautiful, tender way about her…and she’s continuously learning about herself and growing as a woman and a mother. That makes me very proud to be her mama.

We hung out…we talked…we laughed…and talked some more. Lots of food and more talking. I got cuddles with the little moko…she’s nearly two. She’s just got a decent grasp on the English language and likes to mimic everything that’s being said around her. She’s just beautiful.

There’s something quite lovely about being able to chill with the family. They’re all my pride and joy. I’m loving being able to relax with them instead of crawling the walls and looking for the nearest exit.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Anxiety is a cruel thing. And ptsd is shit.

But to feel like its starting to be resolved, is pretty cool.

I love my girls…I love my mokos. And I look forward to plenty more moments of chilling with them…anxiety free :)


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when we sing

I used to cry every time I heard my girl sing. It became, and still is really, a long-standing joke for them now…little shits. But there is something that happens for every Mama I think, when you see or hear, the essence of your children. I don’t just mean those typical proud moments…when they walk, they go to school, they’re in a school play, they get an award…those proud moments. I mean those things, that they don’t see you see…the things that you watch, grin at, laugh at…cry at.

Well, when my girl sings, performs, I howl like a little bitch lol. Some if it is because she sings in our native language …which none of us, in our family, speak fluently. I won’t go into the colonial ramble at the moment…but needless to say, our language was one of the first things the colonialist shredded from our culture. There has been a huge revitalization over the past 20 plus years, but it’s not a journey I have started yet. Partially my issues with…not being a ‘real Maori’…being to white…being side tracked with a few other fucked up issues throughout the years.

But I knew enough, by the time my children were with me again, to put my girls in a bilingual school. Which meant they were able to be part of their language and culture without feeling like it was foreign. My eldest embraced it. My youngest, embraced it and strangled the shit out of it!

There is something ancient that I feel when I hear the rawness of what is/was ours, as first nation people’s. And hearing it come from my girls, is beyond amazing. Then there’s the singing side of it. I love music. I love nearly all music; I possibly have a bit of trouble with death metal and classical…but I can appreciate the lyrics of the first and the minor keys of the latter. Overall though, if it touches my soul; makes my toes tap; makes the hips swing or the head nod…I’ll listen over and over. And for me, a lot of my memories are attached to music. I might not remember a year; a date; a particular event in the sequence that it took place; but I can tell you where I was when I heard a particular song; what I felt like; what was happening around me…I love my music. It soothes me.

And when my girl sings in our old language, I cry…I unashamedly cry. Not unhappy tears…just proud, soul wrenching, loving, beautiful Mama tears.

I thought I didn’t have anything to do with her singing…I wouldn’t describe my own voice as Mariah Carey’s soul sister or anything. But, I love music…and I’d forgotten, till my recent unfolding, that I sang to them all the time. From the time they stepped out of the womb…I sang to them.

I think it was probably my way of showing affection. Touch is not really my thing! At all. I pretty much dislike it a lot, ALOT! But I can convey how I feel, about me, to them, when I sing to them. And I love them dearly.

Well, my youngest Moko (grandchild), who is nearly one, has been here all week with her Mama, my youngest girl. And I sing to my Moko all the time too…and she loves it. It’s the first time I’ve really recognized that the babies, my babies, respond to it. And this little Moko midget is just beautiful…she sits on my lap, waves her hands in the air, turns out her palms and looks at me. I say to her…’do you want me to sing your song?’, and she claps her hands. So we sing…she does the actions and then laughs.

Watching her, and my daughter, through the week, I realized how much I’ve impacted positively on my gene pool lol! I have been so scared of damaging them all…only to discover that they love and get how I love them.


kpm ©