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photography ~ my backyard #112

#BeachDay in the Rain ❤

#beach #beachday #rainyday #mykindofday #mokos #mokoday #arting #photoart #bymokosandme #fun #love #nopeople #lol #photograph #photoblog #photography #kpm©

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unfucking thyself 101.20

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

20.

A #photograph of my sandy feet was not exactly what I was going for re awesomely mindful photograph – However the triumph that is these little tootsies, is the realisation that not one little inch of anxiety hindered the mid-morning swim in our beautiful ocean with my beautiful Mokos.

We had Fun! And I learnt a very valuable lesson:

Moko #2 conquered her fear of the waves and I got to help and watch her defeat her fear first hand. Do you know how utterly gorgeous it is to watch fears be conquered?

It is very gangstah indeed.

And it dawned upon Me-ith that the encouragement and love I showed her as she manoeuvred her way through her fear; the questions she asked and I answered to the best of my ability; the tentatively tip-toeing in, with her hand in mine, and then the running out screaming at the top of her lungs; hand still in mine; then her turning round to face those waves again with a gritty look on her little face and doing that all over again … Until …

She decided to do it alone, past waist deep, under the watchful eye of Me, and rode those waves on her boogie board and screeched with pure delight!

You could see the sheer victory on her face … and that was glorious!

What she taught Me, was sometimes you need someone to hold your hand as you Fight Fight Fight.

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photography ~ black and whites #115

#bnw #bnwmood #bnwfeels #bnwlove #bnwphotography #mybackyard #mybeach #myview #mokos #mokolove #appreciating #lovinglife #photoblog #photograph #photo #photograhy #kpm ©

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unfucking thyself 101.19

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

19.

Another ‘moko’ aka Grandbaby memory:

The Mokos (Grandchildren / Grandchild) Koro (Grandfather) (my partner) makes a cooked breakfast most mornings. Even though their parents would usually have given the mokos their usual breakfast / milk or whatever it was that was their norm; once ‘cooked breakfast’ arrived, each moko (except for 1 – Moko 3), would crawl up onto his lap whilst he was eating and starting poking around at his toast and baked beans, the sausages and bacon. He’s complain about them ‘eating all his breakfast’ and they’d sit happily on his lap eating away, till the plate was empty.

Mokos aged 9 and 8 still do they same thing, but without crawling up into his lap now. He’ll ask them if they want a cooked breakfast … they reply No … and then as he dishes up, they appear with: “Oh, Koro, can we have some baked beans …”, he rolls his eyes and dishes up extra plates of food.

What I really enjoyed this morning was the stories he told them of all the times they’d eaten up his breakfast, followed by the hysterical belly rolling laughter that followed. They sat and ate and laughed for nearly an hour.

I guess the important thing about growing up are the memories. For these darling Mokos, I really hope they embrace the memories and the laughter. Some of the most important things in this life.


#Photograph is a macro shot of of Moko 2 plate of baked beans and toast, and her hands. She can, of course feed herself now 🙂 She’s paused mid-mouthful, laughing at her Koro’s lame jokes ❤

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unfucking thyself 101.18

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

18.

Guess who descended on My world?

Mokos 🙂

At present the game of Monopoly is turning ugly lol. But these little critters (the grand babies) bring a level of love and appreciation and relief and warm fuzzies, that absolutely nothing else can, and that no photograph can depict.

They completely unfuck my world without having to do anything other than look at Me.

“Feeling Nice”

quick catch up … no coffee sorry

Thats only cos my coffee intake has been maxed today. Theres shit I keep forgetting to write about so to stop the spinning, here it is, all in one flash old bullet pointed mess 😉

  • anxiety levels been peaking for weeks now
  • kept at bay with small amounts of sedative / anti anxiety argh
  • but embracing it … it’s the only way to manage it at the moment
  • but it pisses me off … oh well
  • had a weekend with the mokos
  • that was completely gangstah ❤
  • love those little midgets
  • got the 2nd youngest coming on thursday for the night
  • yah!
  • did i tell yah, ACC upped my weekly payments?
  • that’s right, after nearly 5+ years of battling those bastards, here is my earth shattering increase:
  • I’ve gone from $35 per week to $45 to week.
  • I know …
  • how fucking awesome is that?
  • 10 whole dollars!
  • grrr
  • no back pay
  • no ‘sorry we fucked it up’
  • no.
  • yet another attempt to get what is owed, is scheduled for the 20th decemeber.
  • good lord.
  • that should take 1 to 2 years to sort through.
  • but hey, I don’t have anything to lose, and I be doing this shit on my terms now bitches!
  • trying to embrace this hormone thing; according to the professionals, I need more drugs … FFS
  • I remember when they were reluctant to hand out pills … Now? Pfft
  • it’s hot as fuck here
  • fans have been going all day
  • we had a pre-christmas house inspection
  • apparently we are the best tenants ever 😉
  • i only freaked out once and deep breaths seemed to soothe that one.
  • have i ever mentioned that anxiety and panic attacks are a pain in the ass??
  • well they are.
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miss moko #4s born day

For Me: Grandma, and all my ‘hiccups’ … yesterday was freaking exhausting and freaking awesome!!

I love being round my family … I love soaking up their goodness … seeing their smiles and hearing their laughter. It’s so good for the soul!

And yesterday was one of those days.

My girl had done so well with the food prep and decorations and was still pretty cool, calm and collected by the time we got there.

Moko #4 was owning it, as she does 😉

We laughed, and sang, and danced, and ate, and drank, and ate some more and sang some more. Moko #1 had prepared a little song and drum solo for his cousins birthday, so while we ate some more, he did his thing.

And what a beautiful thing that was! I was so proud of him 🙂

By the time we had rounded up the day I was even more exhausted than I had been at the beginning of the day lol. But it was a nice exhausted.

My only anxiety flutter came on our way to the mokos house, when we stopped at the garage to gas up the car. It just felt noisey and bright and that started the usual bullshit for Me … but I breathed deep, closed my eyes and blocked my ears for a couple of minutes and it seemed to subside slightly. Enough to last till the partner had done his thing and we were off again.

Whew.

I’m hoping for more of these days. I seem to be able to manage the things I enjoy … not so much the things I don’t want to do or have to fake.

Lesson learnt? : Don’t do anything I don’t want to do?

Sounds good to Me 🙂

on the menu for tomorrow …

Tomorrow we are off to moko #4s birthday dinner. She turned 3 the other day but because everyone was so busy with … life … her mama decided we’d do dinner on the weekend instead of rushing it during the week.

Thats cool for Us. And cool for moko #4; this’ll be like the 3rd birthday celebration she’s had this week 🙂 Busy times turning 3 😉

So today was food prep … and just generally trying to get my shit together. And in amongst thinking about moko business and birthdays and googling whether we can get a restraining order against this bitch that threatened moko #1 … it occurred to Me just how horrible it is to be afraid.

Not just a little worried about shit, but scared … shitless.

It sucks.

I should know, I’m scared of all sorts of weird shit.

But to be a little person and afraid of big people is an unnaturally familiar feeling; and a feeling I didn’t want my mokos to ever feel.

But here we all are looking down the barrel of Fear. Fear put there by some psycho bitch with either a drug habit or an attitude or a mixture of both.

And I wonder, more than anything else; even more than exacting revenge on this mongrel … I wonder … how are we going to make moko #1 alright, so he’s not continuously looking over his shoulder and jumping at the sight of his own shadow. How do we remedy this for him, or help him to remedy it for himself … because Fear left unchecked causes some major chaos.

I would love for all my mokos to never ever feel any type of hurt or fear or sadness … but I know thats unrealistic: that eventually we all end up having to face these things. But I was hoping that they’d get to be a little bit older … that they’d enjoy a little bit more of being a wide eyed child, before those bubbles were burst.

I guess tomorrow, as we celebrate moko #4s birthday, we’ll find some balance in it all.

And I hope, somewhere between now and tomorrow, this feeling of immense sadness will go.

I’d much rather be angry than sad … but I guess it’s all some sort of ‘feeling’, right?

Right.

I’ll keep telling myself that and lets see what happens …

updating my steez

After the bullshit that was the ACC assessment from the pitt, we had an awesome finale.

Moko #5 arrived that night 🙂

The media ban has finally been lifted and we are allowed to post to our little hearts are content lol. Although I have a  ‘No Moko Photos on Facebook’ policy, I broke it once today and got to put up a proud grandpa and moko photo.

Moko #5 is my partners daughters first baby. And as predicted, he ended up having the delayed reaction to being a grandpa, technically, for the first time. He’s an awesome koro (grandpa) to our other mokos (grandchildren), but they are my blood, not his. I don’t really do the whole blood thing, because our family has always consisted of ‘halves’ and mixes and adoptees. Family, for Me, is not just about blood. It’s about connection, loyalty and love. I think one of the only times I slapped my girl when she was younger, was when she had taunted her sister for not having the same father as her. She didn’t do it again 😉

But for my partner, I knew he’d have quite a deep reaction to becoming a ‘first time’ grandfather. A good reaction. And he did. He’s so proud of his little moko; and proud of his daughter. You can see the look of contentment and fulfilment on his face and in his voice. And I love that 🙂 He knows I consider them all as our mokos, but I want him to enjoy the pride that comes with knowing your spawn has produced spawn … It’s such an awesome feeling.

that gnawing feeling

Ever get that feeling in your gutt?

I’ve had it most of the week and am well over it.

And ever noticed how ‘stuff’ comes in waves? Like one after the other? And you’re just taking a breath and get hit with the next one?

Thats Me.

And don’t get me wrong … I’ve been doing aight. For Me anyways 😉

My moko being suspended rocked my world more than I realised. I’ve only just managed to calm the Nanny farm today.

But heres what I figured: finally: (yes, we’re bullet pointing 😉 )

  • i despise the ‘system’
  • i despise being controlled; especially by ‘the system’
  • schools are systems
  • they condition us to think, act and be a certain way
  • don’t believe me? think about it …
  • i hate that this shit ass system is trying to fuck over my next generation
  • is it a little OTT?
  • mabes
  • but thats my moko.
  • i despise ‘the system’ trying to control my moko.

I have control issues. Big ones. This is no surprise. But I’m also Not wrong.

Have you ever tried to extract yourself from the ‘norm’?

Why would I, you may say.

Just try it. Wear something completely different for You, to work. Still in keeping with suitable ‘work attire’; but just see what happens. Note how many remarks you get – good and / or bad. Try not shaving for a week. Or go to the supermarket in your PJs and see what happens.

These are just simple things. But have a go .. see what happens.

And then you have to ponder how we all got to be so uptight about what is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’. This week, if we didn’t know it already, we all figured out Nazis aren’t cool. 50 odd years ago though, there were peeps siding with those bastards left right and centre. Why? Because no-one wanted to be on the losing side – well, not those that thought they mattered anyway.

And we’re still doing the same thing.

And that conditioning starts in school.

And if we don’t comply, there are consequences.

And thats where we learn, that it was ok to be creative and think ‘outside the box’; eat the play dough and dance in front of the mirror – right up until you have an actual opinion and want to stand for something. Then you are to think inside the box; glad wrap the play dough and adjust your hair and look for blemishes, instead of dance, in front of the mirror.

I never wanted this for my children. I don’t want it for my mokos.

But I also don’t want them to suffer.

If we teach them to be compliant, they’ll suffer. If we teach them to be free thinking and creative, they’ll suffer.

Don’t believe me? I’m not wrong.

And its the fact that We suffer – just living – we suffer – that I hate hate hate that my mokos are in a world so fickle.

I want to protect them from everything … but I know I can’t …

And thats whats been fucking me over the entire week.

I wish I was born with some kick ass super hero powers … you know I’d clean shit up and there wouldn’t be 1 unhappy, hurt child on this planet!