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miss moko #4s born day

For Me: Grandma, and all my ‘hiccups’ … yesterday was freaking exhausting and freaking awesome!!

I love being round my family … I love soaking up their goodness … seeing their smiles and hearing their laughter. It’s so good for the soul!

And yesterday was one of those days.

My girl had done so well with the food prep and decorations and was still pretty cool, calm and collected by the time we got there.

Moko #4 was owning it, as she does 😉

We laughed, and sang, and danced, and ate, and drank, and ate some more and sang some more. Moko #1 had prepared a little song and drum solo for his cousins birthday, so while we ate some more, he did his thing.

And what a beautiful thing that was! I was so proud of him 🙂

By the time we had rounded up the day I was even more exhausted than I had been at the beginning of the day lol. But it was a nice exhausted.

My only anxiety flutter came on our way to the mokos house, when we stopped at the garage to gas up the car. It just felt noisey and bright and that started the usual bullshit for Me … but I breathed deep, closed my eyes and blocked my ears for a couple of minutes and it seemed to subside slightly. Enough to last till the partner had done his thing and we were off again.

Whew.

I’m hoping for more of these days. I seem to be able to manage the things I enjoy … not so much the things I don’t want to do or have to fake.

Lesson learnt? : Don’t do anything I don’t want to do?

Sounds good to Me 🙂

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on the menu for tomorrow …

Tomorrow we are off to moko #4s birthday dinner. She turned 3 the other day but because everyone was so busy with … life … her mama decided we’d do dinner on the weekend instead of rushing it during the week.

Thats cool for Us. And cool for moko #4; this’ll be like the 3rd birthday celebration she’s had this week 🙂 Busy times turning 3 😉

So today was food prep … and just generally trying to get my shit together. And in amongst thinking about moko business and birthdays and googling whether we can get a restraining order against this bitch that threatened moko #1 … it occurred to Me just how horrible it is to be afraid.

Not just a little worried about shit, but scared … shitless.

It sucks.

I should know, I’m scared of all sorts of weird shit.

But to be a little person and afraid of big people is an unnaturally familiar feeling; and a feeling I didn’t want my mokos to ever feel.

But here we all are looking down the barrel of Fear. Fear put there by some psycho bitch with either a drug habit or an attitude or a mixture of both.

And I wonder, more than anything else; even more than exacting revenge on this mongrel … I wonder … how are we going to make moko #1 alright, so he’s not continuously looking over his shoulder and jumping at the sight of his own shadow. How do we remedy this for him, or help him to remedy it for himself … because Fear left unchecked causes some major chaos.

I would love for all my mokos to never ever feel any type of hurt or fear or sadness … but I know thats unrealistic: that eventually we all end up having to face these things. But I was hoping that they’d get to be a little bit older … that they’d enjoy a little bit more of being a wide eyed child, before those bubbles were burst.

I guess tomorrow, as we celebrate moko #4s birthday, we’ll find some balance in it all.

And I hope, somewhere between now and tomorrow, this feeling of immense sadness will go.

I’d much rather be angry than sad … but I guess it’s all some sort of ‘feeling’, right?

Right.

I’ll keep telling myself that and lets see what happens …

updating my steez

After the bullshit that was the ACC assessment from the pitt, we had an awesome finale.

Moko #5 arrived that night 🙂

The media ban has finally been lifted and we are allowed to post to our little hearts are content lol. Although I have a  ‘No Moko Photos on Facebook’ policy, I broke it once today and got to put up a proud grandpa and moko photo.

Moko #5 is my partners daughters first baby. And as predicted, he ended up having the delayed reaction to being a grandpa, technically, for the first time. He’s an awesome koro (grandpa) to our other mokos (grandchildren), but they are my blood, not his. I don’t really do the whole blood thing, because our family has always consisted of ‘halves’ and mixes and adoptees. Family, for Me, is not just about blood. It’s about connection, loyalty and love. I think one of the only times I slapped my girl when she was younger, was when she had taunted her sister for not having the same father as her. She didn’t do it again 😉

But for my partner, I knew he’d have quite a deep reaction to becoming a ‘first time’ grandfather. A good reaction. And he did. He’s so proud of his little moko; and proud of his daughter. You can see the look of contentment and fulfilment on his face and in his voice. And I love that 🙂 He knows I consider them all as our mokos, but I want him to enjoy the pride that comes with knowing your spawn has produced spawn … It’s such an awesome feeling.

that gnawing feeling

Ever get that feeling in your gutt?

I’ve had it most of the week and am well over it.

And ever noticed how ‘stuff’ comes in waves? Like one after the other? And you’re just taking a breath and get hit with the next one?

Thats Me.

And don’t get me wrong … I’ve been doing aight. For Me anyways 😉

My moko being suspended rocked my world more than I realised. I’ve only just managed to calm the Nanny farm today.

But heres what I figured: finally: (yes, we’re bullet pointing 😉 )

  • i despise the ‘system’
  • i despise being controlled; especially by ‘the system’
  • schools are systems
  • they condition us to think, act and be a certain way
  • don’t believe me? think about it …
  • i hate that this shit ass system is trying to fuck over my next generation
  • is it a little OTT?
  • mabes
  • but thats my moko.
  • i despise ‘the system’ trying to control my moko.

I have control issues. Big ones. This is no surprise. But I’m also Not wrong.

Have you ever tried to extract yourself from the ‘norm’?

Why would I, you may say.

Just try it. Wear something completely different for You, to work. Still in keeping with suitable ‘work attire’; but just see what happens. Note how many remarks you get – good and / or bad. Try not shaving for a week. Or go to the supermarket in your PJs and see what happens.

These are just simple things. But have a go .. see what happens.

And then you have to ponder how we all got to be so uptight about what is ‘right’ and ‘wrong’. This week, if we didn’t know it already, we all figured out Nazis aren’t cool. 50 odd years ago though, there were peeps siding with those bastards left right and centre. Why? Because no-one wanted to be on the losing side – well, not those that thought they mattered anyway.

And we’re still doing the same thing.

And that conditioning starts in school.

And if we don’t comply, there are consequences.

And thats where we learn, that it was ok to be creative and think ‘outside the box’; eat the play dough and dance in front of the mirror – right up until you have an actual opinion and want to stand for something. Then you are to think inside the box; glad wrap the play dough and adjust your hair and look for blemishes, instead of dance, in front of the mirror.

I never wanted this for my children. I don’t want it for my mokos.

But I also don’t want them to suffer.

If we teach them to be compliant, they’ll suffer. If we teach them to be free thinking and creative, they’ll suffer.

Don’t believe me? I’m not wrong.

And its the fact that We suffer – just living – we suffer – that I hate hate hate that my mokos are in a world so fickle.

I want to protect them from everything … but I know I can’t …

And thats whats been fucking me over the entire week.

I wish I was born with some kick ass super hero powers … you know I’d clean shit up and there wouldn’t be 1 unhappy, hurt child on this planet!

when we sing

I used to cry every time I heard my girl sing. It became, and still is really, a long-standing joke for them now…little shits. But there is something that happens for every Mama I think, when you see or hear, the essence of your children. I don’t just mean those typical proud moments…when they walk, they go to school, they’re in a school play, they get an award…those proud moments. I mean those things, that they don’t see you see…the things that you watch, grin at, laugh at…cry at.

Well, when my girl sings, performs, I howl like a little girl lol. Some if it is because she sings in our native language …which none of us, in our family, speak fluently. I won’t go into the colonial ramble at the moment…but needless to say, our language was one of the first things the colonialist shredded from our culture. There has been a huge revitalization over the past 20 plus years, but it’s not a journey I have started yet. Partially my issues with…not being a ‘real Maori’…being to white…being side tracked with a few other fucked up issues throughout the years.

But I knew enough, by the time my children were with me again, to put my girls in a bilingual school. Which meant they were able to be part of their language and culture without feeling like it was foreign. My eldest embraced it. My youngest, embraced it and strangled the shit out of it!

There is something ancient that I feel when I hear the rawness of what is/was ours, as first nation people’s. And hearing it come from my girls, is beyond amazing. Then there’s the singing side of it. I love music. I love nearly all music; I possibly have a bit of trouble with death metal and classical…but I can appreciate the lyrics of the first and the minor keys of the latter. Overall though, if it touches my soul; makes my toes tap; makes the hips swing or the head nod…I’ll listen over and over. And for me, a lot of my memories are attached to music. I might not remember a year; a date; a particular event in the sequence that it took place; but I can tell you where I was when I heard a particular song; what I felt like; what was happening around me…I love my music. It soothes me.

And when my girl sings in our old language, I cry…I unashamedly cry. Not unhappy tears…just proud, soul wrenching, loving, beautiful Mama tears.

I thought I didn’t have anything to do with her singing…I wouldn’t describe my own voice as Mariah Carey’s soul sister or anything. But, I love music…and I’d forgotten, till my recent unfolding, that I sang to them all the time. From the time they stepped out of the womb…I sang to them.

I think it was probably my way of showing affection. Touch is not really my thing! At all. I pretty much dislike it a lot, ALOT! But I can convey how I feel, about me, to them, when I sing to them. And I love them dearly.

Well, my youngest Moko (grandchild), who is nearly one, has been here all week with her Mama, my youngest girl. And I sing to my Moko all the time too…and she loves it. It’s the first time I’ve really recognized that the babies, my babies, respond to it. And this little Moko midget is just beautiful…she sits on my lap, waves her hands in the air, turns out her palms and looks at me. I say to her…’do you want me to sing your song?’, and she claps her hands. So we sing…she does the actions and then laughs.

Watching her, and my daughter, through the week, I realized how much I’ve impacted positively on my gene pool lol! I have been so scared of damaging them all…only to discover that they love and get how I love them.

First Published on: Jul 19, 2015 @ 23:16 ❤ ❤ 

my babies are on the move again

The house that my kids and mokos moved in to recently, has been sold and they are on the move again. This time they are going back into town.

Being in the countryside has done them all the most amazing world of good. The mokos (grandchildren) have discovered their groove and rediscovered their confidence. My eldest daughter has found her groove, gotten herself a new job – which she’s loving, and most importantly, she’s learnt how to say No to the stuff she doesn’t want or need! My youngest daughter has a new appreciation for her sister and the amount of work she does … the stresses that face a mama with 3 extremely strong willed little darlings. She has also found her groove and another layer of confidence. She enrolled in a hair dressing course, which she’s loving! It’s so nice to see her happy at what she’s doing. And her little midget, #4 moko, has thrived with her cousins around. She’s loved and protected – x6 … and she’s benefiting from that. And the oldest girls partner … well he makes Me proud 🙂 He struggles with so much feminine strength around him lol … but he too, is finding his groove.

So, my eldest daughter rang Me at midnight the other night … and once I realised there was No pending emergency, she says … ‘Well you’re usually awake, so I thought I’d ring for a chat and to see how you are’ LOL … how could I refuse that 🙂

As we do, we got into deep conversation pretty quickly and a couple things came out.

To digress though: Me and the partner had been discussing the ‘kids and puppy’ video thats been doing the rounds on social media recently. This dude set up an experiment to lure kids away from a park, (with their parents present) with a cute little puppy. Every single kid went with the stranger; rightly so, the parents were horrified. Now theres all kinds of shizz ethically wrong with doing this sort of experiment, but what it did bring to light – or so they thought – was that kids are easily manipulated, thus unprotected.

My comment to the partner was, that it wasn’t so much that kids were easily manipulated, but that We (society, schools, parents, friends) have taught our kids, with one hand to be socially ‘polite’, and then with the other hand, have told them not to talk to strangers etc. But technically they are not strangers after they have introduced themselves, right? We make our kids kiss aunty so-and-so, when they meet her for the first time, even when the kid doesn’t want to … because, ‘it’s rude not too’. And then We act surprised when they toodle off with a nice stranger who has a cute puppy. I reckoned my Mokos wouldn’t do this. Because what they have been taught is something very different.

A. Trust their gut.

B. If they don’t want to pucker up for aunt maude, they don’t, and they’re not told off for it.

Un-digress and back to topic…

My daughter said that she had organised for 2 of her church friends to go and pick up moko #1 & #2 after school on this particular day; but she had forgotten to tell the mokos.

So ‘after school’ arrives, and these 2 churchies rock up to the school to pick up the mokos. But they refused to get in the car. (I was chuckling by this point of the story … ). The 2 churchies did what ‘people’ usually do, which in my opinion is undermining and dangerous – they told the mokos that a. they knew who they were, so it’d be safe b. that their mother had rung them and organised this c. that it wasn’t their (the churchies) fault that the mokos mother hadn’t told them d. everything would be alright.

And the mokos still refused to get in the car with them. The mokos explanation to the churchies was: a. We are allowed to get in the car with 5 people. b. You guys are not on that list.

In the end, the churchies rang the mokos mother and bluntly said, ‘your kids won’t get in the car’. To which, my daughter replies: ‘Aw, good darlings. I forgot to tell them you were picking them up. Put them on the phone”.

Moko #1 gets on the phone … ‘Hey Mum … they’re not on the list ay.’ … ‘Yes son, you did good! I forgot to let you both know they were coming to pick you up, sorry about that. But what you did was perfect!’.

And it was!! She was proud of her babies … and I was super proud as a Nan, of my girl and the mokos 🙂

Then we got on to the impending move. She was worried that the mokos would be anxious and not want to go, and she was feeling guilty. So she re-framed the whole thing for them. And they re-framed it back.

Turns out they are excited to be ‘getting a new house’ cos the other is ‘old’ now.

And thats it.

They’re not anxious or overly complicated by the move … it’s just another adventure for them, and an adventure that they all get to have together! Isn’t that just beautiful 🙂

Turns out the whole parenting out of guilt, in my opinion, is a sickness that follows shitloads of parents … and I wonder if it has a lot to do with the resulting ‘i’m entitled’ attitudes that ooze out of some kids. It also seems to be partially responsible for the lack of common sense and reality they seem Not to possess.

But I’m proud of my kids … I’m proud of their mistakes, their efforts, their forthrightness, their ability to think, articulate, question …

I love them ❤

So a couple more weeks and we will be helping them make their next move … to start their next adventure 🙂 So exciting!

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366 reasons to smile ~ +1

+1. The mokos Christmas warning for family 🙂2016-12-25-12-45-20

 

365 reasons to smile ~ 241.

241. I got to hang out with the mokos 🙂

And then I got sick … just the flu I thought … Until …

moving day gratitude

Tomorrow is the mokos (and their parents) moving day … to the BIG house. .. that’ll fit them all in … with the pool … and no more mildew or damp … with heating .. .and ventilation … and a lawn … a big lawn … and a bedroom each … and one of those air / heat transfer thingys, so every room is nice and warm and damp free … and fresh air … and trees … and lots of windows … and hills … and space … so much space …

Can you tell I’m excited for them!! Well I am …

And …

I am also aware … well, we all are … that this has come at a cost for them … that it has been a long long long time coming … that they have waited patiently; and while they have found what they need … there are still of masses of peeps that will lay their heads … nowhere else but the concrete tomorrow … that they will still be living out of their cars tomorrow … that they’ll still be in their damp overcrowded houses tomorrow … that they’ll still be homeless tomorrow.

I am grateful that me and the partner; my brother and nephew; my mama; my daughters and my beautiful mokos have homes to live in; food to eat; water to drink and a place to lay our heads.

xxooxx

Always grateful.

365 reasons to smile ~ 206.

206. I woke up yesterday and it was … spooky quiet … LOL … I missed ‘miss nearly 3’ and ‘miss just turned 7’ … 🙂 They’re such beautiful midgets xxoo