Yes, its one of those nights, when all the relaxation before bed, all the ‘quiet moments’, get completely fucked up and here I am at nearly 3am, deep breathing with my EmWave breathe pacer and listening to Allen Stone…Is this love that I’m feeling…over and over.
Shit is deeply fucked up.
I am trying to embrace the moment, sleep or no sleep…but I find myself particularly angry. Angry because I cant sleep; angry because I’m cutting down my fucking sleep meds…and if there’s one goddamn thing I do really well…that’s to not go back on what I’ve set for myself! Grrrr ….. I’m angry that the other person that resides with me, gets a little titchy when they don’t get any sleep, but cant sympathise one little fucken inch with me needing to go to fucken sleep but not being able too….and when I am asleep the fucker sounds like a bloody tornado raging through the house Grrrr again ….
its not just the not sleeping though….its the fear of going to sleep that gets me every single fucking time. I need to be the last person asleep in the house…I need to make sure all the windows and doors are locked…that everyone is settled, before I can move off into the land of vulnerability…where sometimes I’ll dream a pleasant dream…but mainly I’ll dream busy, dizzy, breath-taking, hideous dreams….that leave me sweating or crying or shaking or with a stench in my nostrils….or if I’m really fucking lucky, it’ll be all of them….Its bullshit!!! Tiring fucken bullshit.
Thank the heavens for Allen Stone…for music….
I need to sleep…think I’ll take my music to bed…and sleep in the spare room….