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we need a resolution ~ aaliyah

we need a resolution ~ aaliyah, 2001

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& then there was this ..

yah know how I been talking randomly about shit being hard, good shit I mean .. being hard to do when you in a state of panic or anxiety .. & that loving something enough to want to be doing it is like, level zero. cos you been wired to be picking up on multiple threats or deal with multiple layers of anxiety and trauma, all at once?
well …
it kinda pissed me off .. & got me thinking.
what do I love.
love enough to want to be doing all the time.
not a job.
but a thing, what you call it .. a hobby ..
anyways ..
after thinking a lot a lot one night lol the only thing I could come up with that I absolutely loved .. have always loved .. was, music.
specifically, playing music.
& as lame ass as it seemed at first lol I’m gazing round my room, looking at my records, & staring at my decks, & pondering on the meaning of motherfucking life and existence lol
& there it was.
my love.
the thing I’ve always loved.
playing music.
then I got nervous .. groan.
& my head says .. ‘you suck at playing those’ ..

& instead of entertaining that thought process, my insides said ..
‘fuck up. she been busy surviving & now she got time to do whatever the fuck she wants to in whatever capacity she wants.’

so that’s what I’m doing.

playing music.

going through all my records. figuring out which ones I love. trying to mix them. changing the BPM cos I didn’t know what I was doing way back when. listening. smiling. listening some more.

guess what.
I love it.
dunno for how long. dunno if it’s something I’ll do forever.
but ..
if I died tomorrow.
I’d be happy with what I’ve discovered.

Yeah.
that’s it.


kpm©

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alessia cara ~ here

here ~ alessia cara, 2015

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as i am .. HER

her – as i am, 2019

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lets get naked ~ highland place mobsters

lets get naked ~ highland place mobsters, 1992

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tomorrow ~ six60

tomorrow ~ six60,  2019

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holding on to you ~ terrence trent d’arby

holding on to you ~ terrence trent d’arby, 1995

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lets dance ~ david bowie

let’s dance – david bowie, 1983

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ride it ~ regard

ride it ~ regard, 2019

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chains ~ che fu

chains ~ DLT & che fu, 1996

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happiness ~ the foreign exchange

happiness ~ the foreign exchange, 2004

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raining ~ six60

raining ~ six60, 2019

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keep ya head up ~ tupac

keep ya head up ~ tupac, 1993

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starry eyes ~ L.A.B

starry eyes ~ L.A.B, 2017

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dont take it personal ~ monica

dont take it personal ~ monica, 1995

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like water ~ ladi 6

ladi 6 ~ like water, 2008

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get lifted ~ keith murray

 

get lifted ~ keith murray, 1994

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kiss ~ prince

kiss ~ prince, 1986

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doo wop ~ lauryn hill

doo wop – lauryn hill, 1998

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make it hot ~ nicole wray

make it hot ~ nicole wray ft missy elliot, 1998