(i wrote this whilst away & can’t be fucked meticulously editing it. & really, aint we way over edited already … you’re welcome lol!!)
so i decided a while ago, that half my anxiety about going anywhere (eg out of the house) was due to the fact every time i went out, besides my mokos birthdays, was to go somewhere shit … aka somewhere i really didn’t want to go. like the doctors or psychologist assessments or ACC bullshit appointments. my guess was that if i tried to go somewhere i actually wanted to go, i might get anxious, but would know how to deal with it, with the underlying fact being, that i actually wanted to get where i was going.
sooooo, i planned a small trip away. i needed someone to take me, and that was alright. but i arranged to go to the other side of the coast … see a sunrise, eat good food and drink amazing coffee. nothing to out there, just the shit i really enjoy.
we took what was a semi easy road however because i hadn’t been away in like forever, i hadn’t really thought of the new motorways the crown cunts were building. those proved to be a medium head fuck. they were crowded, noisy and of course, busy AF.
but i managed. an average 6 in the panic attack richter scale, i managed it with sunglasses, headphones and ear plugs. i had a couple moments of ‘talk me the fuck home now … ‘, but rode it out, quite literally.
as i type now, i am on the east coast, staying the night in a little bed and breakfast hotel type thing, sitting next to a roaring open fire in my pjs, on the floor. i feel slightly panicy cos the noises are different, but i am fucking awesome. lol. its beautiful. i spent half an hour this afternoon , when we first got here, sitting in the cafe, drinking my mocha, staring out at the lake and ocean. tonight i had an amazing dinner, spent some time alone in the restaurant, quite well and ear plugs and music in and on. i breathed. i relaxed. i took it all in.
I’m pretty proud of myself.
tomorrow we’ll head back home and do abit of shopping on the way. i have a couple things on my list, besides coffee, that i want to get. but im happy so far. happy with my progress, happy with me.
i think i’ll do this more often, scheduling in little road trips to places i want to see, doing small things i want to do. i just may become i coffee critic while im at it. lol.
the first coffee i had today was glorious. the 2nd, not so much. tomorrow is another day though ;)
eventually i want to be able to drive my little brown self to my destinations and be ok. i want to be able to stay by myself wherever the fuck i like, and be ok.
my goals aren’t huge … but I’ve already done most of what i wanted to do in this lifetime. i figure everything i manage to achieve from here on in is new and is a big fat bonus.
did i say im proud of myself?
well i am, as i know i should be.
life is good. & pts(d) can go fuck itself today. im slowly learning how to put it in its place.
ps: i’ll post a couplely pics later when i get round to taking the photos off’ve my camera. in the meantime, take my word for it … i’m awesome & it was beautiful ;)