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changes ..
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not sure where to start ..

so i just will ..

i’m still roaming around my new whare wondering wtf lol a good wtf though ..

& thats what it all is. its new. i dont have the words to describe what i feel like but i know its ok .. like, good.

i know i feel minimal to nil anxiety. i know i can breathe properly. i know i feel lighter.

but im not sure how to describe that in a positive un-hippified (soz to my hippy mates but y’all know what i mean lol) way.

yet.

but this is what it feels like visually:

it feels new, everyday.

im grateful & i dont think this is ever gonna get old.

guess nature is kinda like that ay.


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day one.

(i wrote this whilst away & can’t be fucked meticulously editing it. & really, aint we way over edited already … you’re welcome lol!!)

.

so i decided a while ago, that half my anxiety about going anywhere (eg out of the house) was due to the fact every time i went out, besides my mokos birthdays, was to go somewhere shit … aka somewhere i really didn’t want to go. like the doctors or psychologist assessments or ACC bullshit appointments. my guess was that if i tried to go somewhere i actually wanted to go, i might get anxious, but would know how to deal with it, with the underlying fact being, that i actually wanted to get where i was going.

sooooo, i planned a small trip away. i needed someone to take me, and that was alright. but i arranged to go to the other side of the coast … see a sunrise, eat good food and drink amazing coffee. nothing to out there, just the shit i really enjoy.

we took what was a semi easy road however because i hadn’t been away in like forever, i hadn’t really thought of the new motorways the crown cunts were building. those proved to be a medium head fuck. they were crowded, noisy and of course, busy AF. 

but i managed. an average 6 in the panic attack richter scale, i managed it with sunglasses, headphones and ear plugs. i had a couple moments of ‘talk me the fuck home now … ‘, but rode it out, quite literally.

.

as i type now, i am on the east coast, staying the night in a little bed and breakfast hotel type thing, sitting next to a roaring open fire in my pjs, on the floor. i feel slightly panicy cos the noises are different, but i am fucking awesome. lol. its beautiful. i spent half an hour this afternoon , when we first got here, sitting in the cafe, drinking my mocha, staring out at the lake and ocean. tonight i had an amazing dinner, spent some time alone in the restaurant, quite well and ear plugs and music in and on. i breathed. i relaxed. i took it all in.

I’m pretty proud of myself.

tomorrow we’ll head back home and do abit of shopping on the way. i have a couple things on my list, besides coffee, that i want to get. but im happy so far. happy with my progress, happy with me.

i think i’ll do this more often, scheduling in little road trips to places i want to see, doing small things i want to do. i just may become i coffee critic while im at it. lol.

the first coffee i had today was glorious. the 2nd, not so much. tomorrow is another day though ;)

eventually i want to be able to drive my little brown self to my destinations and be ok. i want to be able to stay by myself wherever the fuck i like, and be ok.

my goals aren’t huge … but I’ve already done most of what i wanted to do in this lifetime. i figure everything i manage to achieve from here on in is new and is a big fat bonus.

did i say im proud of myself? 

well i am, as i know i should be.

life is good. & pts(d) can go fuck itself today. im slowly learning how to put it in its place.

ps: i’ll post a couplely pics later when i get round to taking the photos off’ve my camera. in the meantime, take my word for it … i’m awesome & it was beautiful ;)


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&

on a good note: it’s raining.


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