the purpose of this post is for awareness and acknowledgement of ptsd as an injury and those, like myself, who are sick to all fuck of explaining themselves, whilst trying to manage symptoms and generalised life.
to my point – in a week, i lost count of how many eyeball rolls, deep sighs, maligning comments and condescending conversations i can have. which is then followed by long strains of silence.
for those that don’t know, i have been diagnosed with ptsd, which is a mental ‘injury’, caused by being sexually assaulted as an infant.
although diagnosis is reasonably recent, symptoms have been persistent but fluctuating for 44 years. it is my norm.
my mission of recent years is to blend my experiences into my life as a whole having realised that symptoms can be managed but ‘i’ cannot be ‘fixed’.
my family are tired if ‘it’. my beautiful mokos can’t understand why i don’t or find it hard to attend their events; the most heartbreaking of all. my ‘partner’ is over ‘it’. my friends generally don’t understand it. doctors and specialists don’t fully understand its implications, even though it has been a ‘thing’ for as long as war has been a thing, psychologists don’t fully understand it and neither do psychiatrists or neurologists.
medication, meditation or mindfulness as management are the generalised ‘go-to’s’.
i completely understand why a random can’t get it if a professional is still surmising theories and experimenting with medications.
which brings me to this.
when someone shares with you that they have this injury, understand that that injury is caused by another person/s actions and / or crime. that in the course of that action or crime, the now injured, were minding their own dam business.
understand that by discussing their injury with you, they are trusting you more than most. that they aren’t asking for sympathy or fixing, just a bit of understanding. when they say to you ‘google it if you don’t understand’ thats because they’re tired of reliving it, retelling it and of explaining or excusing ‘unsocial behaviours’.
and when you’re wondering if the injured are just making it up and you choose to ‘voice’ your disdain with your eye ball roll, that they should just ‘get over it’ … that this, is what it ‘feels’ like in the head & ears of this pts(d) reconciler:
& please note, that it is an unpleasant sound so for the sensitive of hearing, turn your volume on low. however for epic fucken effect, turn it right the fuck up!
& welcome to our world.
its startling, loud, painful, random, anxiety inducing.
now try reasoning or juggling any thought or action with that going on in the background.
just spare a thought for us at those ‘loud & joyful’ times of the year. they’re not overly joyous occasions, they’re filled with random unknowns. smells, sounds, visitors, expectations, family, fireworks, extra people, drop-ins, events – expectations.
they’re filled with anxiety and social expectations .
while I’m managing my symptoms in the confines of my home im not being a miserable cunt per se. i am managing the noises and randomness the best way i know how.
i don’t have social anxiety – nor am i slightly nervous of crowds or talking – fuck, i’m a fucken talker given half the chance. & no, im not shy.
its flashbacks, that are random as fuck, hence the name ‘flash-back’. its all that ‘noise’ in the back drop that screams its way to the foreground & then trying to manage, on the daily, with simple shit like … i need groceries: Fuck!
so next time you suggest we should get out for some fresh air or ask us to feel or be more affectionate or engaged: just remember, that all that ‘noise’ is going on, all the fucking time & ‘engaging’ means we are subjecting ourselves to the possibility of added random ‘noise’ to the senses that may last for minutes, hours, days or weeks, so ‘just going out for some fresh air’, is a calculated risk that we are not fucken willing to take, today.