Video

– just tired of it.

the purpose of this post is for awareness and acknowledgement of ptsd as an injury and those, like myself, who are sick to all fuck of explaining themselves, whilst trying to manage symptoms and generalised life.

to my point – in a week, i lost count of how many eyeball rolls, deep sighs, maligning comments and condescending conversations i can have. which is then followed by long strains of silence.

for those that don’t know, i have been diagnosed with ptsd, which is a mental ‘injury’, caused by being sexually assaulted as an infant.

although diagnosis is reasonably recent, symptoms have been persistent but fluctuating for 44 years. it is my norm.

my mission of recent years is to blend my experiences into my life as a whole having realised that symptoms can be managed but ‘i’ cannot be ‘fixed’.

my family are tired if ‘it’. my beautiful mokos can’t understand why i don’t or find it hard to attend their events; the most heartbreaking of all. my ‘partner’ is over ‘it’. my friends generally don’t understand it. doctors and specialists don’t fully understand its implications, even though it has been a ‘thing’ for as long as war has been a thing, psychologists don’t fully understand it and neither do psychiatrists or neurologists.

medication, meditation or mindfulness as management are the generalised ‘go-to’s’.

i completely understand why a random can’t get it if a professional is still surmising theories and experimenting with medications.

which brings me to this.

when someone shares with you that they have this injury, understand that that injury is caused by another person/s actions and / or crime. that in the course of that action or crime, the now injured, were minding their own dam business.

understand that by discussing their injury with you, they are trusting you more than most. that they aren’t asking for sympathy or fixing, just a bit of understanding. when they say to you ‘google it if you don’t understand’ thats because they’re tired of reliving it, retelling it and of explaining or excusing ‘unsocial behaviours’.

and when you’re wondering if the injured are just making it up and you choose to ‘voice’ your disdain with your eye ball roll, that they should just ‘get over it’ … that this, is what it ‘feels’ like in the head & ears of this pts(d) reconciler:

& please note, that it is an unpleasant sound so for the sensitive of hearing, turn your volume on low. however for epic fucken effect, turn it right the fuck up!

& welcome to our world.

its startling, loud, painful, random, anxiety inducing.

now try reasoning or juggling any thought or action with that going on in the background.

just spare a thought for us at those ‘loud & joyful’ times of the year. they’re not overly joyous occasions, they’re filled with random unknowns. smells, sounds, visitors, expectations, family, fireworks, extra people, drop-ins, events – expectations.

they’re filled with anxiety and social expectations .

while I’m managing my symptoms in the confines of my home im not being a miserable cunt per se. i am managing the noises and randomness the best way i know how.

i don’t have social anxiety – nor am i slightly nervous of crowds or talking – fuck, i’m a fucken talker given half the chance. & no, im not shy.

its flashbacks, that are random as fuck, hence the name ‘flash-back’.  its all that ‘noise’ in the back drop that screams its way to the foreground & then trying to manage, on the daily, with simple shit like … i need groceries: Fuck!

so next time you suggest we should get out for some fresh air or ask us to feel or be more affectionate or engaged: just remember, that all that ‘noise’ is going on, all the fucking time & ‘engaging’ means we are subjecting ourselves to the possibility of added random ‘noise’ to the senses that may last for minutes, hours, days or weeks, so ‘just going out for some fresh air’, is a calculated risk that we are not fucken willing to take, today.


kpm ©


 

notches.

“you need to take it down a notch”

to what?

to silent?


kpm ©


 

Image

well that was a shit sleep …

Not that it wasn’t a ‘lights out’ sleep … cos sedatives will do that to yah!

But what I realised this morning was I was as tense as fuck. My muscles, or lack of them, were tight, like I’d been for a 5 mile hike, up-hill, non-stop. Not that I actually know what that feels like per se, but I imagine that it’d feel like I did this morning.

Now I’m used to waking up sweating or crying or being jolted awake from hideous ass dreams and feeling like someones shoved a hot poker into my chest … yeah … thats kinda normal for Me. And generally I roll with it …

But this morning I don’t remember having any nightmares – mind due that could be due to the drug induced coma I’ve been putting myself into of late – I just felt tense as fuck.

The run on thought from that was that is exactly what I’ve been feeling like for weeks …

That is also what I used to feel like all the time.

A. Kudos I’ve had a lull in that fuckery

B. How do I get back to the non-tense Me?

My guess is my pts(d) senses are on overdrive for some unknown reason … but generally they’re not wrong … or they’re still spiking and I haven’t figured out the starting point and the Why.

So I’ll let that one settle for the next few days … trying to be aware of what the fuck is going on in my insides … My guess is though … ewww … here we go:

it probably has something to do with the flashback I had a few months ago … the one where I couldn’t breathe. Literally. I could feel weight on my personage and it was overwhelming, frightening and heavy. I let it simmer … knowing it’d make it’s way to the surface eventually.

I think ‘eventually’ has arrived.

At night I can ‘see’ an outline of a large figure standing in my way. Everywhere I turn, there he is. Just out of reach but close enough to smell and ‘feel’.

And … It’s no fucking wonder I’ve been petrified of everything lately …

FML.

Anyway … in all that conundrum, I’ve been trying to find noise cancelling ear muffs to counteract the noise sensitivity.

I found these fuckers:

Turns out they are way out of my price range, so it’s back to finding what I can do with what I have.

This little combo (industrial ear muffs and ear plugs) doesn’t cancel out all noise but muffles it to about 85% – thats my best guess-ta-mation anyways.

The ‘issue’ is that this combo completely and utterly magnifies ‘echoes’; as in, I can hear my heart beat ultra loudly; I can hear my footsteps ultra loudly; any tapping on the side of the ear muffs themselves, produces a hideous echo right throughout my ear drums and down my spine.

Yeah, so thats that.

Then theres this combo:

My trusty headphones (not noise cancelling and falling to bits slowly), music and earplugs.

Now with the sound on ‘medium’, which is my comfortable … I can still hear everything going on around Me, but slightly muffled. If I hit the side of the headphones they echo slightly but not as much as the ear muffs.

So the latter is my choice of ‘ear wear’ for now until I can find something else.

My hope is that if I can lessen the ‘din’ that is going on, I can lessen abit of the muscle tightening anxiety … because honestly, I’m gonna run out of sedatives at this rate.

And this is the day that is a pts(d) fuck.


kpm ©


 

note:

note to self:

get some of those noise cancelling ear muff headphone thingys.

NOW.


kpm ©


 

one of ‘those’ days

The partner is away, which is usually my que to enjoy my space … and while I am, sort of, the road works twats have decided to finally do their upgrade on our street … Today! Yes today of all fucking days!

Why is this disturbing?

  1. It’s noisy … like real noisy. (my pts(d) and loud noise don’t mix)
  2. It’s vibrating the entire house. (my pts(d) and erratic movement don’t mix)

Personally I couldn’t give a fuck about upgrading our street. I like no footpaths. I like a tonne of unkempt edges (all the buunies play in it at night). I like sand everywhere.

These assholes (well the local council anyways) like taking their time about upgrading shit so they get paid more and they can increase the locals yearly rates. Not that this directly effects us at the moment … and yes I’m just whinging at this point.

Actual point is I want them to piss off … they’re messing with my feng shui and sensitive constitution!


kpm ©


 

fuck the water blaster

Renovation twat is at it again. Arggh. This time he’s waster blasting …

  • just so you know
  • its the noise
  • the constant noise that doesn’t fucken let up
  • it’s loud
  • it’s uncomfortable
  • why?
  • because it grates my nerves
  • because i can’t hear whats happening
  • for those with ‘spacial’, peripheral and hardwired reactory issues
  • like pts(d)
  • hearing is everything
  • and when you can’t hear shit over a fucken water blaster
  • it messes with the feng shui
  • thinking about cutting his power outlet
  • or maybe a slug gun pellet to the water blaster itself
  • unfortunately, he’d still come back … tomorrow
  • so
  • instead
  • head phones and music that’ll stifle that noise out
  • lock my doors
  • cleaning?
  • nah, bit of extra blogging i feel

Fuck water blasters and water blasting cunts …


kpm ©


 

thank you rain gods

Apparently, even productive renovating

members of society

don’t like the Rain.

The Renovation twat has laid down his

grinder,

and has gone the fuck home!


kpm ©


 

mow lawns – tick!

I mowed the lawns today! Yah Me!

Now while that sounds like a pretty bland event and one that doesn’t deserve a high five…here’s why, for me, it does…

I haven’t touched the lawn mower in ages…years actually. As the old PTSD crept in, and I became more and more sensitive to noise and smell…and couldn’t get past the letterbox…lawn mowing was not something that was on top of the priority list! A lot of noise and then ear muffs and the constant vibration of the motor, didn’t make for a ‘safe’ environment for little old me.

I’ve been trying to work up the courage to mow the dam lawns for ages…it’s on my list of things to achieve.

And today I achieved it :)

I had to stop about 5 times, to re focus and breath…ground thyself lol. And every time I stopped shaking, I went back out and kept on going.

And that for me, is an achievement worth a high five :)


kpm ©