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the perks of ..

think i’ve said it before, but this whole covid lockdown business, has given me opportunities to do / be at certain things that i didn’t think were ever going to be possible.

concerts.

its a no go for me atm .. kinda above my pay grade for now.

but during this whole pandemic i’ve managed to make 3 seperate ‘concerts’ that i otherwise wouldn’t have been able to attend.

the first was an erykah badu concert .. fuck me, what a kick that was!!!

the second was an erykah vs jill scott ‘concert’ type thing on IG. it was like 3 hours of all their music and singing and reminicing & it was fucken cool!!!

thats me in the middle .. just hanging out and shit LOL.

the 3rd attendance, was a Smart Funny & Black comedy show thing. if you follow amanda seales on IG at all, then you’ll know about this beautiful creation.

its something i’d absolutely love to go to but knew i wouldn’t be able to .. & then …

thats right, they did one online!

yes i bought a ticket and yes i ‘went’ and yes i laughed my ass off for hours!!!!!!!!

& its not just the attendance thing really .. for me, all these things were so fucking healing & liberating & normalising & empowering .. they’ve completely changed the game for me .. its part of whats flipping the shit atm.

its a beautiful beautiful thing.


kpm©


 

moving forward …

is that even a thing?


kpm ©


 

c.

to conform.

or not to conform.

no-brainer really.


kpm ©


 

drag

drag culture.

i like it. not exactly sure why. probs has got something to do with the freedom of expression … but yeah …

so, yesterday i watched ‘paris is burning’ & i had quite a profound ‘Me’ revelation, as i do.

” unfold: ”

i was a teenager in the 80s. yes thats right, i’m an old fuck.

but i was a brown, ‘poor’, daughter of a christian single mother. layers of irony right there. & i found that christianity had no place for queer culture. no place for maori culture. no place for women. no place for me. no place for difference.

especially in the 80s.

i was raised in layers of confusion.

‘they’ weren’t confused. they believed their own bullshit.

i questioned it. i questioned the hypocrisy. i questioned the genuine-ness of it all. i questioned where ‘god’ was in their reality of christianity.

but i had no time to question my own sexual identity. especially layered on up-teenth sexual assault ‘issues’. & christianity had no place for any of that. there was only one right way to do sexual identity and that was at home in the bedroom with your ‘husband’ – if you were a biological woman anyways.

by default, my ‘rebellion’ came in the form of what i ‘looked like’. & that was a brown vagina.

i learned my culture was ‘wrong & uncivilised savagery’. & my ‘gender’ was just above that.

so i embraced as much as i could of the hip hop dance & music scene at the time. but it had to be smooshed with a tonne of ‘christain explanation’ to be applicable or tolerated in my world.

meaning? if it was for ‘out reach’ or winning damned brown souls from their misery, then it was semi-acceptable.

but drag culture? or homosexuality?

fuck No. there was no learning anything about that culture because according to the bible both were hell inducing ‘practices’. neither was deemed a way of life that wasn’t a choice per se. like my ethnicity.

i have been surrounded by queer persons, who were grappling with their own identities, all my life. like them, i was in my own way, trying to find where i fitted, as a brown vagina lol.

anyway, what i realised whilst watching ‘paris is burning’, is i had missed a whole ‘scene’ as i was growing up; that i was completely stoked with. i love the sounds, the freedom, the dance, the joy .. that is all an alternate reality, made by those who didn’t fit ‘mainstream’ & had decided to make their own thang.

i absolutely love that.

& while the hip-hop & dance culture that i thrived in, embraced some of the stuff that i needed, just imagine if i had found the ballroom scene! holy shit lol.

yes i may have been a straight brown vagina in amongst the queer nation lol, but i think i may have found my feng shui a lot sooner.

i guess this is a ‘what if’ kinda reminisce post full of shit that didn’t happen, but it is my attempt @ being sorta positive on a cunt of day lol.

gezus christ … i really do know how to waffle thats for sure!


kpm ©


 

chilling with my girl

The last of the recent family gatherings was coupled with a trip to the doctors. I’ve avoided the doctors for the past few months and really, I haven’t particularly needed to go. But I got a routine check up and repeats and got him to refer me back to the ENT to check the Vertigo (BPPV) situation. The shrink is trying to eliminate ’causes’…good on her.

Anyway…big ups to me for getting there with minimal fuss…still in the back seat, but some days you just have to know which battles to tackle. Being in the front seat wasn’t high on the priority list. So I breathed and distracted myself and I did good.

The highlight of this day was going to see my older daughter and the mokos!

My big girl is stunning. She amazes me all of the time! She has such a beautiful, tender way about her…and she’s continuously learning about herself and growing as a woman and a mother. That makes me very proud to be her mama.

We hung out…we talked…we laughed…and talked some more. Lots of food and more talking. I got cuddles with the little moko…she’s nearly two. She’s just got a decent grasp on the English language and likes to mimic everything that’s being said around her. She’s just beautiful.

There’s something quite lovely about being able to chill with the family. They’re all my pride and joy. I’m loving being able to relax with them instead of crawling the walls and looking for the nearest exit.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Anxiety is a cruel thing. And ptsd is shit.

But to feel like its starting to be resolved, is pretty cool.

I love my girls…I love my mokos. And I look forward to plenty more moments of chilling with them…anxiety free :)


kpm ©


 

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