As much as I hate to admit it, I had a moment today, just a slight glimpse…into the unrealisticness of my expectations. And it grieves me to know that as realistic as I thought I was…I am not.
I think somewhere in my little world, I’ve had this view…hope…expectation…that someday, somewhere…when I had done enough…was good enough…had got better enough…had succeeded enough…when everything was calm enough…
That I’d be alright. That I’d be content and happy…when everything else is settled and in order.
And I’ve spent a long time trying to order my life…get all my fluffy ducks in a little ultra organised row.
Well…I think I have been mistaken. And I really really don’t like to admit it…because its a cold day in hell when I am wrong ;)
I think I’m beginning to understand what those tree huggers are getting at when they talk about ‘grounding’. It all sounded to airy fairy for me…and it still is…I think their language choice bites. But I think their version of ‘grounding’, reinterpreted, is about being OK with yourself…right now. Not waiting for the story to get better…not waiting till the stars and universes align…but right now.
That I am, OK right now. Shitty and angry…is OK. Its real and its me…at the moment. Sad and stressed…is OK…its real and its me…sometimes. Nervous and anxious…well that’s real and slightly imagined (blame ptsd for that atm)…but its real, and its me…right now and sometimes.
All of it…is all right.
It’s when I start trying to fuck with it and make it all clean and tidy and prettied up; or make excuses or give reasons for it, that I get into strife.
There is no happy ever after…theres just the here and now…and I’m OK here and now…as I have always been whenever and wherever I am.
I am who I am.