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reconciling the hormones #9

Me and Me hormones and Me feng shui today ❤

#meme (poem) reads:

I lied and said I was busy. I was busy;  but not in a way most people understand.

I was busy taking deeper breaths. I was busy silencing irrational thoughts. I was busy calming a racing heart.  I was busy telling myself I am Okay.

Sometimes, this is my busy – and I will not apologise for it.

By B Oakman – titled “Anxiety Doesn’t Knock First”.

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choices choices

What does one do when you have no money and no insurance …

and you’re sick?

we have choices you know:

  1. You can let your temperature rise and the infection fester, ring for an ambulance. Cost: Ambulance: $90 (invoiced). Hospital – free – but a 18-48 wait and no guarantee they’ll treat you unless you are literally dying.
  2. Stay home, try home remedies. Cost: Nothing. But no guarantee it’ll work.

Welcome to 2017 where the healthcare is as fucked as it was is 1817.

Good one NZ.

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366 reasons to smile ~ +342.

+342. Funny and true for most … Not this household though … We are not going apeshit over spending … Heads up: It’s Completely Unnecessary !

#meme

Reads: It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

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dinner at the usual spot <3

No where else in the world

I’d rather be.

yesterdays fuckery and todays recovery

When they happen they happen viciously. Of course there’s the build-up  that can be managed a lot of the time. But then there’s the seemingly out-of-no-where bitches, that leave you gasping for breath and pretty much floored for the rest of the day.

I had one of those bastards yesterday.

Oh … Panic attack, is what I’m referring too. A good old pts(d), kick you in the vag and leave you winded, panic attack.

And what bought this one on?

Maybe a week or twos worth of ‘unknown’ anxieties?

Maybe the weather?

Maybe being tired?

Fuck Knows!

What triggered the hair raiser though?

A digger being moved up the neighbours driveway ffs!

I’m pretty attuned to the noises around Me, and I’ve spoken about my super sensitive spidey hearing and sense of smell before … which btw seems to go into ultra super sensitive mode whilst in panic mode. I know … awesome alright!

So what does that mean?

It means everything becomes incredibly loud and extremely pitchy (imagine finger nails on a chalk board type pitchy). Then comes the sensitivity to movement and then my eyes start squinting and doing weird criss-crossy things … oh, and throw in an accelerated heart rate, sweaty palms, pits and other bits, and you have yourself a good old-fashioned panic fuck.

The digger doing its thing next door was a surprise attack (literally) which meant I was not prepared. I scrambled for my ear phones and music and couldn’t get it all fast enough … I scoffed a half a tab but it was too late. I ended up doing what I havent done in a while, which is dropping tabs till I feel ok, forgetting that they don’t work like a shot of tequila! Not Cool!

I was in tears within 15 minutes.

It was at this point I realised something pertinent … for Me anyways.

I realised that I was scared.

Not a little ‘fearful’; or over excited from the noises … No. I was, hide-under-the-bed, kiddy-type, scared shitless … and I couldn’t shake it. No amount of self soothing music of self talk was working. And the drugs weren’t kicking in fast enough.

Just as well .. (in hindsight) in realising that I was scared as opposed to the adult version aka ‘panicked’ … I knew what to do … because I had done it for my mokos.

I grabbed my fluffy pillow and howled like a scared child, into that pillow, for about 10 minutes!!! It was fucking exhausting!!

But it took the edge off …

Then I made Me a cup of tea and was able to gather my senses after that. The twats next door didn’t stop – but as the anxiety gods would have it, their digger broke down! Hah!

I rang my mama later and told her my sordid tale and she came and had a cuppa with Me … which was lovely … and distracting 🙂

Today the digger twats started up again and I got my partner to stay home with Me. I’ve been fucked most of the day and am only just coming right. We figured out the vibration of the digger isn’t so bad when I’m outside … and I watched them doing some of their shizz so I could get a visual of what the haps were. It all helped.

Tonight we’re going ‘out’ for dinner … down to our Beach ❤

And then it’s an early night for Me.

I hate panic attacks and I hate feeling scared but I’m kind of pleased I had this one though. Because, now I know it’s ‘fear’: and that requires a cuddle and chocolate … not freaking meditation 😉

Fears a bitch. But fear is also god dam Normal ❤

what dont you get?

why is it so hard for you

to understand?

you’ve been living with ‘it’ now

for nearly 14 years.

‘it’ doesn’t go away.

‘it’ wasnt a passing phase.

and to have you insinuate

that it is;

or that it should be, is

deeply

deeply

insulting.

sum~tyms

its

all

just

a

little

to

OTT

fear is

a strange thing,

is fear.

can save.

can kill.

can cripple.

can free.

pts(d) friendly spaces: do they exist?

No.

No they don’t.

You have to

Make

Your own.

stick it

thinking bout making stickers

to put on the mail box

and front door.

“I have pts(d).

On a good day,

I still bite”

Enter At Thy Own Risk