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a few minor adjustments …

After my secondary ‘Aha-Aha Moments’, I decided to make some immediate and then minor adjustments to my world. Instead of re-minimising everything (which I do rather well I might add), I figured a few tweaks would do just as well.

The first was this:

Don’t get Me wrong, I give a shit about a lot of things … too many things actually; well too many for own well-being at the moment. Yes, I give a shit about world peace, racism, sexism, injustice, in-equality … I give more than a shit actually – I give so many shits about this shit, it hurts. This is how I was made. It is my character and the fabric of my nature. But right now … I need to give more than just a few shits, about Me.

On to the shit I can change:

  • ACC – done.
  • Father – done.
  • Minimising drugs – doing.

So I decided to add 3 things.

  1. More Art for Arts sake.
  2. More healthy shit.
  3. Before the end of this year, pick somewhere to go, that I want to go too … and Go.

Art for Arts sake, means creating without a purpose. My art has always been in response to something – colonisation, abuse, anger etc. It has never been just because I want to create something. It’s actually quite hard for Me to do something that has No ‘purpose’; it goes against every minimal thing about Me.

More healthy shit: this is two-fold. In a few weeks I will try the ‘mindfulness’ walk, with my new found knowledge. This is purposeful, so should counter balance the art-for-arts-sake.

Second part of the healthy shit is practical:

My tipuna were foraging and healing themselves long before the Crown set foot on these islands and long before I came into being. So instead of waiting for ‘the cure’, Me and aunty google set about to find some practical things to do. I’ve added the following to my daily health regime:

Green Smoothie

1x clove of garlic

1x banana

1x cup organic raw milk

1/4 cup water

6-8 puha leaves (raw)

2 dandelion leaves (raw)

2 doves foot geranium (raw)

6-8 coriander leaves (raw)

4-5 sprigs of mint (raw)

I’ve included the health benefits of each of these ‘weeds’ and herbs, in the links. The idea is to increase this a little bit at a time over the next few months. While it may not sound very pleasant and definitely looks a bit dodgy – I figure Chartreuse is way worse 😉 And so far so good on the ‘health benefit’ angle.

 

On to picking somewhere I want to go:

I wanted to go to my art classes this year and felt like a big fat failure because I hadn’t been able to make it all year. Soooo, instead of wallowing in it, I’ve decided to go the the Exhibition Opening on the 4th of November. I may need drugs; I may need all my bits and pieces that I use … and that, I have decided, is just fine! I am going!

I’ve asked my daughter if she’d take Me and hold my hand etc lol, and she said Yes 🙂 And she’s going to bring my beautiful mokos too. I said to her – ‘are you ok with Me freaking out if that happens?’ … and she says, ‘sure ma, we’ll just throw a blanket over you, put a hat on you and hold onto you’. I cried 🙂

So thats Us, well Me … and the mish from now till the end of the year at least.

And guess what?

I’m OK 😉

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random acts of thoughting:

  • does everyone explain themselves?
  • are they asked to explain themselves?
  • why?
  • or why not?
  • why does said explanation not involve … “how are you doing?”
  • i like building stuff
  • so do my mokos
  • just random stuff
  • makes me feel – complete lol
  • i like eating
  • eating is good
  • as long as theres no adverse reaction
  • but even then
  • i still enjoy the eating part
  • i was doing 1/4 antihistamine a day
  • well thats what i got down too
  • now it’s 1/2 every second day
  • which is technically the same?
  • being itchy is a bitch
  • apparently i need to do more self care
  • hmmmm
  • why’s everyone got an opinion on what everyone else is doing?
  • why can’t they just mind their own selves
  • i guess thats an opinion on them though isn’t it
  • oh well, flag that then
  • how do you do self care when you don’t care?
  • hmmm
  • is it compassionate to send: ‘thoughts and prayers’?
  • or is that a cop out?
  • or just a compassionate ‘opinion’ maybe?
  • hmmm
  • i never wanted to go to las vegas
  • it’s too shiny for someone like me
  • don’t want to fucken go now, thats for sure
  • is it worse to be randomly shot at, as opposed to being deliberately bombed?
  • or doesn’t it matter?
  • how did ‘morally shit stuff’, get to be a political debate?
  • i dont think its ok to shoot people
  • i dont think its ok to hurt children
  • i don’t think its ok to hurt people
  • except sex offenders
  • i don’t mind if they get hurt
  • how did prostitution became a viable option for work?
  • thats some fucked up shit
  • how do our new wave feminists not understand that?
  • maybe they don’t know their feminist history?
  • hmmm
  • maybe.
  • when someone starts the conversation with: “I know you mean well …”
  • you know you’re in for a long speech ay.
  • i hate those.
  • if i had’ve said ‘nope, not my problem’; do you think i’d still be complaining now?
  • whats the issue with sleeping?
  • oh thats right, I know the answer to that one
  • so, self care and celebrating your ‘successes’; they’re the same thing right?
  • or is that self care and self encouragement?
  • hmmm
  • when you stop taking painkillers, guess what
  • your body will hurt like a mother fucker
  • i think i’m hungry
  • or maybe i just need more coffee

 

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photography ~ black & whites #108

black & whites #108

#black&whites #black&white #bnw #photography #daisy #daisylove #bnwdaisy #flower #flowerporn #beauty #mybeauty #monochrome #dark #darklove #filtered #macro #photoblog #photograph #kpm©

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reassessing where i’m at: now

I realised the other day, what a fucked up year its been for Me. By fucked up, I mean good and bad. Not all fucked up is bad 😉

I’ve been tired. Sick. Sick and tired. Generally worn down, and out. Its felt never ending. So, yesterday, I reassessed as I do:

Picked that shit to bits and went over it with a fine tooth comb.

Turns out, I should’ve done it earlier. Which kind of goes with my whole point to myself: That it’s been a funk … a tired monotonous fucked funk.

I was trying to remember when and where I had been feeling pretty content. Cos I know there was a time, quite recently, where it felt like shit was pretty good. Not ‘happy happy joy joy’ kinda good, but … ‘ahhh, I can do this’, kinda good.

It was before my sister died.

I know I had learnt how to calm my farm and breath deeply. I had learned how to manage myself when I went for my walks – and I was enjoying that. I know I had learned how to voice my concerns and not do what I didn’t want to do. I know I had learned when I was on the verge of a panic attack and how to bring myself down or stop it before it blew up. I know, I knew how to deal with shit, Immediately: and not put it on pause.

Pausing,  does not agree with my constitution.

Then somewhere between my sister dying, which I handled pretty well, and just after my birthday … shit got worn down. I remember having two extremely unpleasant and surprising panic attacks. One was when I was talking to the ACC wankers on the phone and trying to walk to the shop. I knew when it happened I had fucked up something, but wasn’t too sure how to remedy it. Well I know now what I fucked up.

I lost control. Not just physically, resulting in the panic attack … but the entire situation from the get go.

I let them control my situation. I felt beholden to their times, their phone calls, their delays … because I needed the assessment (or so I thought), and I needed the extra money (or so I thought). So I Let Them metaphorically, bend Me over and fuck Me up the asshole. I did what I knew I shouldn’t: and shouldn’t, because the long term effects are violent.

The other big ass, take it’s time, panic fuck, was prior to the assessment. I was already fucked. Fucked because of the waiting. Me and waiting also don’t really do well in cohabitation.

And from the phone panic attack till the assessment panic fuck, I had days of shaking, headaches, stomach aches, dizziness, anxiety and panic .. I took more anti anxiety meds during that time than I had in the previous year. I couldn’t breath properly and the sleeping was fitful, again, and full of shit nightmares and waking flashbacks.

But somehow, I just managed … and denied the obvious. That I was crumbling.

Add to all this, my father and his ‘way’. He has unceremoniously fucked with my world in the last year. And I’ve written a shit tonne on him.

But what has dawned on Me, with regards to him,  is the hurt that comes with knowing that my father does not love Me. Does not understand Me. Is unwilling to know who I am.

His interest in Me was only as a replacement for my sister. He wanted Me to be like her. But I can’t do that.

It did make Me realise too though, that there are not many that know Me, and my ‘support’ is little to none. Not because it’s not offered but because the offer-ees really don’t get Me and I frustrate them.

It is easier to try on my own. Except when I get worn down.

I’m going to have to start from the beginning again, because I have gotten to the place I was at a couple years ago … where leaving the house is hard. It’s not as bad as it was, but I can feel myself heading there pretty rapidly.

So in my reassessment, my daily goals have been simplified and adjusted. I need to do only what I want to do from here on in; at least until I can gain some momentum. Because theres a huge difference, for Me,  between Not wanting to do some thing;  being forced to do something and wanting to do something but being afraid.

Much to my disgust, I’ve started taking my anti anxiety meds to take the edge off. I’ll be utilising them more to actually get Me out of the house and past the letter box. I tried it tonight, so I could get down to the beach.

I love the beach.

After taking 1/4 anti anxiety med I was still nervous and shaky. I did the headphones and music; took water and extra meds, and my walking stick and camera.

I’ve missed the beach, and the sunset. I’ve missed going alone.

I got there tonight; slightly wobbly and hazed, but in one piece.

And I smiled my ass off once my nerves subsided. I even talked to a newly married couple that were from South America.

So Slow and Steady is what I’m returning too.

Really Slow.

Really Steady.

+

“stay present”.

Umm,

Why?

the 3

they may seem –

outwardly,

‘overwhelming’ type

emotions.

but i saw my insides

today.

and i was a

little

surprised.

there is something that

happens,

when you can’t

breathe.

it’s called

dying.

gasping for air

and not finding

it,

is dying.

when you survive

that,

you are left

with

2

things.

possibly a

3rd

if your lucky.

callousness.

everything and

anything

seems

trivial.

fear.

the fear

of being

there

again.

not breathing

that is.

if your lucky.

theres:

appreciation.

for life.

for living.

for breathing.

i have yet

to master

the

3rd.

wart

Stop

worrying.

Now.

No.

Just

stop.

a little update

It’s been a crusty week / weekend. Me and the partner have some kind of fluy crappy virus thing … his of course is way worse because it’s part of the ‘man – flu’ syndrome. Yes peeps, the struggle is real 😉

Aside from this, I’m plodding, trying to remain on course, positive and all that bullshit.

I’m acutely aware that the anniversary of my sisters death is coming up in a few weeks.

The ‘family’ is silent.

Her babies are grappling with their pain.

I don’t like it. At all.

Looming anxiety mixed with ‘virus symptoms’ are making for a slightly uncomfortable existence at the moment – thank fuck for anti-anxiety meds!

My partners father is unwell … heart related, unwell. I know the worry is straining him. We find out this week what the haps is next.

On a completely different note:

I have approximately 5 weeks before our womens collective Art Exhibition goes up … and I’m … ummm … not ready.

Art, or painting … for Me, is a ‘in-the-moment’, ‘go-with-the-feeling’ kind of thing. Which is why I’ve had difficulty creating pieces to order or to sell. My Art is about venting or expressing, not about making people happy with pretty pictures. So when it comes to knocking something up for an Exhibition … yeah well … need I say more. Eeeek.

And on a similar note … but Not lol: I did 3 pieces for an Exhibition that goes up today. I’ll post more on that one later in the week. I feel a little apprehensive, strangely enough. I didn’t last time. But these pieces are hugely raw. Yes, on any given day, raw is my go-to; but these are even rawer than that lol.

Anyway …

Back to the grind. There’s a mound of washing and no other cunt to do it 😉

(fight)

maybe

i should

fight

for something,

instead

of fighting

against everything.

?

i wonder:

did we get all

fucked up

when we

decided we

were

greater than

nature

?