In my scrolling and deleting and chopping photos (yes, I’m still doing that …), I found this … and what a on point fucking post to find right at this time … so, I decided to repost.
A #throwback from Sep 25, 2015 @ 15:46, when we were due to move from our first house out here at our beach, to the current small hovel we live in and have successfully cleaned up and made into a liveable and loveable situation.
Whats interesting, is we are on the verge of moving again because the owners have told us they are going to sell the property. The cheek however, is that we have just been served with a notice of rent increase even though they intend on selling this property.
We’ve come to understand that this is the norm for a beach ‘town’. There are those that own and those that don’t own. And we are of the latter. Whats sad, is this place don’t have any regard for those that rent the properties that the others own. The turn over here is about 18 months to 2 years and then the owners are selling, making a profit or putting up their rents and re-renting.
We – or I should say ‘I’ – have processed the technicalities of it all and this seems like a douchebag move on the part of the property owners and real estate place; a. cos they got butt hurt we wouldn’t comply with their bullshit and b. because they want more money. Simple.
We have to decide whether we want to comply with the next move or end up homeless. Right now I’m leaning toward the homeless route. I’m a tad stubborn like that though and absolutely hate being told, manipulated or forced into doing what I don’t want to do.
But I’ve learnt a little over the past 3 years …
- I don’t have to respond verbally to respond.
- I still don’t have to comply.
- I need to do what suits Me.
And thats it really.
Thats fucking life. Well the life of one who is constantly non-conforming and trying to re-shape the way they respond.
We’re counting down the days now; 5 more sleeps…but it’d be nice if we were counting down to Christmas or a birthday or something…else, rather than moving.
But I try to remain positive…we both are.
I went to see where we are moving to yesterday. It is a shit hole…for reals. But we can clean it up…sort of. And we’ll put our stuff in there and it’ll feel a bit better…I spose.
And as we clean up this place ready for the move…I can feel myself unravelling. I think it’s a good thing…and not really what I’m used too. Grieving as I go I think. So I don’t take it with me.
And as I clean the mokos fingerprints off the windows and pack up their pictures and the little things that the partner has collected over the past year…sea shells and bits of wood lol…I can feel tears…and again, I think that’s how it’s supposed to be. Sad because of loss…but then you focus on the new? Fuck knows…but that’s what I’m holding onto at the moment…
So it doesn’t feel like I’m being forced to do something I don’t want to do…cos that just opens a big fat can of ptsd shit storm…
But the body is feeling it…strange, because it usually doesn’t feel anything. But I guess, that’s what got me into this bundled up ptsd, panicky mess in the first place…not facing it…not processing it as it happens…holding on when it really needs to be let go of…
The bod is collapsing slightly…feeling sick and sore…shaky and slightly panicy…and swinging from, trying to take it as it comes and wanting to smash everything in sight to wanting to bawl my crusty eyes out. Geez…I’m not even due for my period yet! Lol.
I feel like I’m taking the ‘mauri’, that we’ve put into this place…taking it back. We’re probably leaving a bit of bad vibes for the fuckwits that come after us…but oh well…that’s what they get for being racist bastards. But the good stuff…our mauri…we’ll take that.
So…I’ll get back to cleaning and swinging and packing up and processing and singing. Tomorrow the mokos come to say goodbye to the house and see where we are going…they’re neat like that…they want to know everything, so they can make peace with it…and design themselves a little picture in their heads of what is taking place…
I should probably take a leaf out of their little books :) … they are way ahead of me!