I always knew I’d respond, but was not sure what that would look like. And trying to recover from all the shit that comes with the heaviness of all that shit in the first place, has been somewhat of a full time fucking job.

It’s taken along long time to sift through what is mine, whats others, what are misperceptions, what are guilt shit trips, what are passive aggressive silencing techniques …. the ptsd shit list goes on.

But after sifting and re sifting for a rather long time … i see a little light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.

Sexual assault of any description, dumped on anybody, is fucked…to say the least. It would be nice, pleasantly twinkly, to have a world where that type of assault; that type of action, was never even in any type of vocabulary. But thats not the case.

Now, I’m pretty sure I get the technicalities for the ‘why’ it happens, and the ‘who’ it happens too, by the ‘what type’ of person does a fucked up thing like that … and my over intelligent answer is … why – because; who – anyone; what type – anyone.

There are no definates…there are no absolutes … there are summations and theories and best guesses…and these are stupid, but should be employed for a long range look at the subject. But there is NO definite quantifiable causes and effects. There are things that may minimise the chance of it occurring, but overall, it is some shit ass luck really.

And that might sound a bit blazay … but this is my topic, and I’m beginning to really understand that there is no-one else that knows this shit like me…because it is mine … it is my story. I can add to it with other peoples perspectives and learnings, as they can do with my stuff … but I am the expert on my shit, no-one else.

So with that knowledge, slowly seeping in and out of my pores, I am finding myself at a bit of a turning point.

How to respond.

I feel like, up until now anyway, that I have always been on the back foot…struggling with shame, then stubbornness, then determination, then anger, then nightmares, then anxiety, then more shame, then blame …. and so it goes on and on and on.

In amongst all that there are the external voices of well meaning but ignorant assholes who think its something that should be forgotten, forgiven, not dwelled on, left in the past, let go of … which, it turns out, is more to do with their discomfort than it has to do with mine.

And then add to that whole cocktail the additives of PTSD, personality disorder, OCD, OTT syndrome (made that one up – over the top syndrome lol), addiction …. blah blah blah …. and there is a small lifetime of crap to sort through. As we all get caught up in the ‘whats wrong with me’ cry … and the ‘please fix me’ cry … which are all relevant … we are all diverted away from the crux of the actual fucking issue!

You see, when my daughter was sexually assaulted, I didn’t have a full deck to play with really … as in, I had my own issues with the whole subject, I had issues with mothering … but when this happened to my baby girl … two very distinct things happened for me, and to my thought process.

  1. What and how do I help my baby girl NOW
  2. I’ll kill the cunt that did this to her

I didn’t know, without a shadow of a doubt, what exactly to do in response to number 1. But I knew she needed time … lots of time…to talk … cry … come to her own realisations … she needed to know that it was by no means her fault and she didn’t cause it in anyway shape or form … i knew i needed to undo, if i could, the thinking that had been embedded into her so that this act could happen … i knew she needed love … lots and lots of love … to respond as she needed too … without being wrong or right … just to be.

Number 2 was easy … I just had to figure the logistics of it.

Never, not once, did I think that she may have caused this … because of the length of her skirt … by her little giggle that she does … because she is caring and compassionate and likes to listen … because she is beautiful and intelligent … none of that was the point …

The point, which I knew unreservedly, was the cunt that had assaulted her had done so because he could … he had the opportunity and the perverted and distorted thinking to act on that opportunity. This wouldn’t have been his first time and it wouldn’t be his last.

But, with what I knew … I knew I wanted to protect, heal, hold, love … her. That was my mummy reaction to the beautiful baby girl that I gave birth too … I wanted to take away all the bad.

As a society however … we like to think we would do that in response to learning that someone … a child, or an adult … has been sexually assaulted. But we don’t. We become uncomfortable … start asking how and why could that happen .. was it dark, were they alone, was no-one watching, I bet they were all drunk, was it a stranger … and those are questions from the inquisitive. More often than not, there is an uncomfortable silence. Followed by more silence.

For an adult surviving sexual assault as an infant, there is not much compassion or understanding, just blame and shame. Theres a lot of ‘moving on’ talk and awkward silence followed by more ‘letting go’ and forgiveness talk.

But what we really are all forgetting, is that sexual assault of an infant/child, is an epidemic … of greater proportion than global fucking warming or sex trafficking or drugs …. stats back in the day were 1 in 4 girls by the age of 7 … those are now, i believe, 1 in 2 and do not account for under or not reporting. It used to be 1 in 7 boys by 7, and those have increased to about 1 in 3 or 4, again not accounting for under or not reporting. The average pedo in a 40-50 year life span has a conservative number of between 60-200 victims. It doesn’t take a math-me-fucking-tician to figure out those are some fucking disgusting numbers.

Knowing what we know about the effects of sexual assault on an infant/child and the issues that they have growing up … you would think there would be more of an outcry to eradicate sexual violence, in particular sexual violence and assault against an infant/child.

And if compassion doesn’t work, then look at the monetary cost that this shit has on the whole of society … medicating, locking up, counselling, insurances, institutionalising …. a good business model would see that we are not getting the best value for our dollar here …

Wake the fuck up world … if you fuck kids over … if you stand by and watch … if you don’t intervene … they will eventually grow up and bite the fuck back!

My point to my response though … is that in amongst this whole entanglement of shit, we forget that the person that should be taking responsibility .. the person to point the finger at … the person to shame … to despise and humiliate … is the perp-per-fucking-trator! Plain and simple.

We need to refocus and stop blaming the kid that got fucked over .. blame the fucktard that did it!! And then do something about it instead of burying our heads in the fucking sand dunes!

And this is the beginning of my response …

kpm ©


re: parenting and protection

My goal for parenting ‘well’, was to protect.

Now I didn’t wake up one morning, breastfeed my daughter and think ‘oh gosh, I think protection of you and your little world is going to be my number one goal as I raise you’.

No, protection was / is an engrained response.

I think there’s supposed to be way more to parenting. But this was my driving force. It shaped how I was with my children, my absence from my children, my need to step back or be in their faces, or someone elses … it was to protect.

Protect from what?

Besides everything …

Sexual Assault.

Dim and grim view you may say, and yes, in hindsight, I get that it probably was. But as I’ve said before, my PTSDness has shaped who and what I am, for the most part of my life.

When I knew I was having daughters … I was petrified. Absolutely petrified.

Statistically, females are sexually assaulted more than males. Well, that’s whats reported. And I get now, that those stats are largely incorrect. But as a new mother back in the day; and a very young mother at that; and based on my own experiences … being a female, and a little female at that … your chances of survival were slim.

I became ‘absent’ from my daughter when she was a baby. For the most part, this was to protect her from her birth father. He was violent, but his violence was directed at me, not her. In hindsight, a stronger, wiser person would have just reported his ass and been done with it.

However, if you know anything about reporting physical violence, from a females perspective; you’d have more results pushing water up hill with a fork than have the ‘authorities’ come to your aid.

I did what I thought to be right at the time.

I was never far away and was forever watching.

So when my daughters came back to live with me, after their father decided he needed to ‘find himself’, I saw it as a second chance. And one I wasn’t going to fuck up.

My basis for parenting was environmental; as in, I had learned and absorbed what I had seen and experienced. The rest of it came from Biblical principles that I had also heard and absorbed whilst sitting in church for years. Unfortunately, that didn’t give a step by step on how to protect children from pedos, and I wasn’t about to leave it up to faith and prayer.

So I hunted for solutions and a ‘how to’ manual and came up short. And then I figured –  what better way to learn, than from peeps that hunted pedo freaks for a living. You’ve got to remember, this was about 2002 and there wasn’t a lot available to your average peep on this sort of thing.

Enter, ‘John Douglas’, former FBI criminal profiler dude; now author dude – of ‘Mindhunter’.

At the end of this book there was a list, of sorts, of what to look for, behaviour wise, when scoping out a would be, could be, offender. There were tips on what to look for in your children if you suspected something was amiss.

Here are some of the things I came away with, rehashed and implemented into my parenting.

  1. Know your children. Properly, and deeply. If you know them, really know them, then you will notice any changes.
  2. Teach your children confidence. Build confidence in them. Not only is confidence a good thing; a predator of children is less likely to ‘hunt’ a child that exudes confidence. Not always, but it minimises the chances. Confident children don’t make easy prey.
  3. Teach your children to trust their instincts and their gutt. If it feels odd, then it is odd. Always roll with your ‘first thought’ or ‘first instinctual reaction’.

These sound like simple things, but they are hard, for us. When we’re to busy to ‘know’ our kids … when we would rather have them obey than to seem disrespectful or obstinate … when we would rather that we taught them how to act and react.

Children are way way smarter than we give them credit for. They usually know what to do in any given situation, but our ‘socialisation’ of them teaches them to not listen to their instincts, to trust all adults and to obey authority.

If a child is uncomfortable with a certain adult, don’t make them say hello or give them a hug because we feel uncomfortable about how the child’s unwillingness to be compliant makes us look.

Teach them honesty, confidence and love; but also observance, instinctual response and strategy.

And for us … listen to what children have to say … we might actually learn something!

kpm ©