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#lemons #raindrops #beautiful #nature #photography #photographer #kpm©


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#flower_porn #beautiful #nature #macro #photography #kpm©


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#geranium #flower_porn #beautiful #nature #photography #photographer #kpm©


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#daisy #flowerporn #beauty #nature_love #macro #photoblog #photograph #photography #photographer #kpm©


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 #bougainvillea #flowerporn #nature_love #macro #photograph #photoblog #photography #photographer #kpm©


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#mybackyard #beauty #flowerporn #macro #photoblog #photograph #photography #photographer #kpm©


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to wait or not to wait

from pts(d) expression series #53: Dec 11, 2016 @ 08:04

#throwback Nov 11, 2015 @ 20:16

Interesting re-read indeed. What I like about this re-reading shit (and yes I’ve said this before …) is realising how far I’ve come … what’s changed … what still needs tweaking …

I guess it’s in my nature to learn the ‘hard way’ … but I’ve also found it’s my bestest way to learn. The victories are mine just as much as the defeats were ;)


Part of, actually a large part of, the anxiety that precedes a panic attack and relates heavily to my state of ptsd-ness, at present…is waiting.

I hate waiting. I hate waiting in line…physically or on the phone… I hate appointments and meetings…deadlines. I hate…I just hate waiting.

Anyway…as I was pontificating today, as I do…a little veil lifted slightly and I got a peek at my insides. Not always a welcoming feeling, having some sort of realisation about yourself that inevitably sucks ass. But anyway…as I caught a glimpse, my pulse started racing and a felt a sense of dread…a familiar sense of dread…cascade down my rather un-sturdy spine. Yes, I’ve turned into somewhat of a pansy in recent years…and before anyone goes all “there’s nothing wrong with weakness” on me…just let me say…I agree with that, I just don’t like it when I’m talking about my vulnerability.

So what did I see?

I saw me…waiting…

Waiting…waiting to be picked up…waiting for the door to open…waiting for a loud voice to shout ‘leave her alone’…waiting for courtesy…waiting for kindness…waiting for them to listen…waiting for them to arrive…waiting for the present he promised…waiting for my name to be called…waiting for the bus to come…waiting for morning…waiting for tomorrow…waiting for the questions…waiting for the answers…waiting for the reasons…waiting for the money…waiting for the ride…waiting for the next time…waiting for the choke…waiting for the dark…waiting for the screaming to stop…waiting for the screaming to start…waiting for the wind to blow my way…waiting for sincerity…waiting….waiting…waiting….

And I know what’s coming…and when its coming…

Nothing and never.

But I still wait.

And with that waiting comes anxiety…and with that anxiety comes dread. Then dread and anxiety…and then panic. Panic to be waiting…but also panic that I’m waiting for nothing. That there is nothing to wait for. If something bad doesn’t happen, then I’ve waited for absolutely nothing.

So I stop waiting, would be the logical thing to do to fix that state of affairs right.

But if I’m not waiting…what if I miss it?

And if I miss it…what will I do?

Who will I be?

Who will I be if I’m not waiting?

And if there really is nothing to wait for, then I’d have to say I’ve wasted my time waiting…for nothing.


 

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photography .91

photo taken: Jul 27, 2015 @ 11:47

#macrocarpa #wood #drying #whakairo #workshop #photograph #photography #photographer #kpm©


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photography .90

taken: Sep 28, 2015

#home #fams #familia #mess #bnw #photograph #photography #photographer #kpm©


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#sunset #beach #beauty #nature #photograph #photography #photographer #kpm©


#throwback Oct 22, 2015 @ 11:36.

My first attempt at photographing the sun setting @ my beach :)


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