Image

unfucking thyself 101.99

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

99.

The other day I did a long shot of ‘the house I’d been waiting to photograph for like 5-6 years, and decided that that day was the day’ … yeah, well this is the same house, just up closer.

Why?

You’ll see :)

I spoke with my daughter last night. Not a nice conversation really … one of those gutt wrenching fuck with your sleep kinda talks. But this is how I chose to be as a parent … open and fucking honest. It goes both ways … I’ll be as brutally honest as I can, and I expect them to be brutally honest with Me.

Well my girl had grievances about my parenting. *groan*. Yah know its so much easier to have a standard that you don’t have to apply to yourself …

Any way …

My girl is a bit of a ‘late bloomer’ I guess. As in, her sister had vented and vexed most of her frustrations at Me by the time she was 18. My youngest is nearly 25 and she’s only dripped out a few morsels over the past 5 or so years but not too much … until last night. Yep, she had grievances … and they were all founded … all real … all horrible to hear …

What ripped my shit the most was hearing the pain in her voice as she cried. I hate hearing her hurt.

But I listened … and listened … and I wanted to justify myself … give the reasons for being a cunt of a person back then … but I listened, cos I knew she needed to be heard. And when she was done I didn’t apologise, or give justification and told her why I wasn’t giving either of those things … that she was right. That No parent including my blelf, was perfect and that if I could change my ‘mistakes’ or do better, I would … but it is what it is … and it was no slight on Her as a person … just Me, an adult, being a dick.

She got it and I know she felt relieved for being able to vent and be heard.

I felt better for her … but came away feeling like shit lol.

Oh the shit we go through … I would love to be able to say I did everything right … and that everything I experienced was just peachy too … but that aint the truth. It just seems that the older I get, the more I understand that there is No right way to Life … Not at all.

We’re all running around trying to minimise the damage somehow … when in all reality, sometimes theres beauty and growth in the damage. Not that I’m wishing for damage, for anyone … but we all call this shit ‘damage’, we see that shit as ‘being damaged’ … when really … it just is what it is.

Like this house :)

Would I clean it up if I could? No … cos then the photograph wouldn’t have that ‘thing’ to it that I like. Some would see ‘damage’ … I see worn, lived in, loved.

<3

Advertisements
Image

unfucking thyself 101.97

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

97.

Still celebrating the wins …

Funny … when you’re looking for them hard out they don’t seem to ever come. But when you’re just plodding along doing your thang, a lot of things seem to become a ‘Win’ ;)

Today we found out that we’ve got till the end of the year before our landlords put the house on the market.

On it’s own it sounds very unlike a Win lol. But it is … believe Me.

Last time a rental house we were living in got sold, it was an utter mess. We had only just settled in at the beach; I had just been diagnosed; my partner had just discovered a lump in his back and our landlords were fuckwitts lol. In hindsight though, there was no good time for any of that shit to happen! On a personal level though, it completely rattled my nerves having people come through the house whilst it was being sold … yah know, the whole intrusive buzz.

But this time round with this house, we’ve made a tentative plan, had a little freak out, had a little moan about it and then ‘actively’ relaxed. Because last time it worked out just fine … Not as I expected or in the timeframe I wanted … but it worked out. So this time, I didn’t see the point in getting my shit worked up about something I couldn’t change or do anything about.  We have lovely landlords, the kind that aren’t greedy or overbearing …  so they’ve partially renewed our faith in humanity lol, so thats another Win ;)

So we contacted them yesterday just to check to see where they’re at and if they’re still selling in June, and they told us they’d decided to wait till the end of the year. It would have been great to hear … ‘we’re not selling at all …’ but that didn’t happen … and it kinda feels like it’s time to move on …

But the Win Wins, are we don’t have to move Yet … which is cool because it’s turning out to be a busy fucking year … well for Me anyways. I feel like I’m just starting to get a handle on my shit and get some momentum going and it’d be nice to keep that going and not have to move as well … just yet. It also gives us abit of time to organise our shit better, figure out whether we want to stay in this town or move on, and save some money. Rents have sky rocketed round here … actually all over NZ really … like by nearly 50%, so we won’t get something for the amount we’re paying now; but I figure that just means we get to look at alternative options.

And in it all, I feel Ok.

Today I feel Ok.

Thats a Win … and I’ll take it :)

Image

unfucking thyself 101.96

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

96.

So between where I live and where my Mama lives there is this old house. It sits all by its little self, abandoned, in a field of grass.

Now we’ve been passing this house for god knows how long … 5-6 years … and every time we go past, and if I’m not hyperventilating and holding onto my seat … or crying or having a panic attack … I usually look up and notice it and say to my partner … “I want to stop and take a photo of that house oneday”. And then we drive on and I continue doing what ever breathing or freaking out shit I was doing.

Well, today I decided to go and see my Mama. 1st big call of the day, cos its been a busy week for Me. But I wanted to go help her with her cleaning and to be honest, I’m getting sick of being lame. I get I need to rest when I need to rest, and I can’t run on adrenalin … adrenalin is not my friend! … but I needed to do this. So that decided, the 2nd big call of the day was announcing to the partner on the way out the door, that I wanted to drive from our driveway to the 100k sign just on the outskirts of our little village.

Gasp. LOL.

He was a lot surprised, but I wanted to keep some momentum going re driving. So I did that.

Moment of stunned silence and a moment of victory dance ensemble.

Thankyou.

With that done and Me getting out of the driving seat I said to the partner (2nd announcement lol) … “You know that house we drive past and I say I want to stop and photograph it one day?” … “Yep” says He. “Yeah well, today we are stopping so I can photograph it. Ok. Okay.”

Again he looked a little surprised lol.

Off we went and we stopped and I photographed it.

Is it the worlds best photograph? Nope.

Is it even a picturesque scene? Nope.

Do I like it? Yes.

Do I feel like a winner … lol? Yes. Yes I do.

You see … it occurred to Me somewhere in this week, that I need to do what I want to do … Now. Not wait for ‘another’ time, or the right time, or a better time … because that never comes.

There is no right or better. Theres just Here and Now.

I’ve been doing the best I can with what I have for a very long time and haven’t really stopped to appreciate the fact that it is All good. That every little step; every photograph; every little quiver or perceived ‘fuck up’; every little breathe; every little shitfest or crying fit; every little and big scream; every running in the opposite direction … is Just Fine.

Because Today … I got to take my photograph.

That makes Today a good day to be alive :)

Image

365 reasons to smile ~ 30.

30. Nans favorite tea set.
20160130_080727.jpg

#throwback Jan 30, 2016. 

Ngaw … And I still have this tea set, and love this tea set ;) And for those that don’t know: this is where the inspiration for my sleeve (tattoo) came from xo

Love you Nan xo

Image

photography .26

#mybackyard #photography #flower #flowers #flowerporn #geranium #pinkpenny #garden #love #beauty #macro #macroobsessed #macrolove #unfiltered #photoblog #photograph #kpm©

SaveSave

SaveSave

Image

photography .25

#mybackyard #flower #flowers #flowerporn #lupine #smellssweet #beauty #mybeauty #consideredaweed #unfiltered #macro #photoblog #photograph #photography #photographer #kpm©

SaveSave

Image

photography .13

#eastcoast #mist #foothills #treeline #beauty #photo #photograph #photoblog #photography #photographer #kpm©

#throwback Jul 27, 2015

SaveSave

SaveSave