kia ora ..

just a hello and a welcome to the tonne of newbies .. i see yous and thankyou for the follow!

so, as you peruse, you’ll see there doesnt seem to be much of a structure to this blog lol .. & thats purposeful.

i know i know.

i write & dump & hollah & scream & upload & download & dump some more .. as i feel.

for me, this is entirely the essence of anxiety & pts(d) for me.

within it, i’ve found some kinda semblance of balance & peace.

@ the end of the day thats all im trying to do really.

if you find some kind of something out of it too, then cool. & youre welcome lol.

but dont try to figure it out. you’ll just mind fuck yo’self lol & no-one wants that ay.

anyways .. welcome to you all .. even those selling yo wares .. yeah i see yous too …



guess what else ..

i sat outside and read 2 chapters of my book.



guess what i reckon ..


is a trauma response.

designed to make u respond impulsively.

when i think about our tipuna and the old school Hui on the marae .. not the new wananga ones .. the ones that have u yawning but sleeping with one eye open .. those ones.

those bastards went for days lol.


cos everything got looked at, turned over, relooked at, re turned and relooked @.

no motherfucking stone was left unturned and it was done on our terms at our pace.

im gonna let that simmer.


its .. well,

had me another weird ass memory / feeling / dream thingy ..
being in a shop with baskets & ornament things .. looking for stuff .. realising though ..

i was looking for home.

a place to make mine.
to feel comfortable.
not so much cushiony comfortable .. but owned & safe kinda comfortable.

i never really found it.

i still looking.

for home.


yah know ..

i had enough of me being shredded, stifled, torn & worn.
it’s time.

to protect, build, bind & strengthen.



yo ..

so, ive recently moved #mystory content to password protected content ..

explanation : ish

i been thinking for the longest time *groan* about what is ‘available’ publicly, & respecting my growth .. what i put out there .. why i put it out there .. blah de fucking blah . yah get my drift.

what it forced me to look @ is the why …

for those that have been round forever, you’d remember i started this site / blog cos i literally had no resources prior to being given a computer & a subscription for a years internet provision.

i shit you not.

& here’s the thing.

theres broke & then theres broken. & @ the time i started this blog, i was both.

i hadn’t left the house in years. i was dizzy. anxious. frightened. no money. no job. no nuddah .. but worst of all, i was running out of energy.

that was like 8 years ago.

i would love to say that help just magically appeared. that there was a long list or even short list, of agencies or people or support places, that were on to it, that i could tap into.

but there wasnt.

i finally found some resources but was pretty fucked up by then.

blogging was free.

& thats it.

thats why i started this ‘journey’. it was my way of processing & making peace-ish with the bitch ass that is pts(d).

& now im here.

ive resolved a whole heap of shit .. other shit is still in ‘process’ lol.


so this is where im @.

i didnt spend 40 plus years reliving fucked up shit to get here & forget that child sexual assault is still a real fucking issue.

its not gone anywhere.

it hasnt diminished any.

people like me are still crippled af by the effects of it.

& honestly, fuck that shit.

its layers of bullshit.


does my story inspire resistance & fortitude for others? fucked if i know. but i know i didnt come this far for nothing. i’ve shared in one way or another, what resolving, letting go, re-resolving, re-living, un-earthing, making peace, making war, fucking shit, looks like for me.

i know im more @ peace with myself than i ever used to be.

whats the moral of this long winded post lol ..

i’ve locked the grisly content so i can move on .. for this part of my journey.

however …

theres always a how-fucking-ever with me lol ..

if yah need to read my lifes story cos it may help You with something .. im gonna pin this post. you can leave your email deets in the comments section (which i won’t make public & will delete after) & ill send you the password for the #mystory content.

i only ask that you do one thing for me please ..

i’d like you to google “local agencies working with child sexual assault victims”.

that’ll take you on a wild af ride.

but when you find the one that resonates with you, please make a donation to them. anything. big or small. monetary or whatever you can.

cos honestly .. this whole sexually assaulting children is some fucked up shit, thats way past expiry date.

& it takes more than the village to dismantle that shit.

it takes more than sheer determination to heal that shit.

feel me.


so yeah .. thats it.


.. .. ..


the art of being a moving target.



trying to heal things that were never mine or never intended for me to heal.

is some fucked up shit.



is perpetual panic.




When did it become ok, to say , sorry I can’t be there , I have to work. .. but it not be ok to say, sorry I can’t be there.


decol & health

“don’t do self diagnosis” is the consistent hollah of mainstream ‘medical professionals’. howfuckingever,last check with that lot, & they adamant that shit isn’t connected, that in their fields, they deal only with the one thing .. & yah know what, that wreeks of colonisation BS & pretty much goes against who I am, how I live & how my tipuna lived. 
tis a violent reminder of why I don’t do westernised theory of any kind if I don’t have too. 
y’all so disconnected it makes a bitch sick.


I don’t have to do anything.

not anything I don’t want to.

not anymore.
I don’t have to resign myself .
I don’t have to force myself.

I don’t have to be afraid for the fuck of it or for the greater proverbial good.

The only thing that matters is taking care of me and my safety.


spiritual .. me, my whole self.

Most importantly, my body.

She tired.
Tired of being afraid.


did i tell yah ..

i thanked my uterus today

that was long overdue.


hey you

congrats on having survived 30 odd years of shallow breathing.

*insert eye ball roll*


yeah yeah

ive spent 10 years trying to figure out ptsd, anxiety, stress & how to manage those fuckers.

it’s all been unsure.

it’s all been random and scary.

pretty much 2020 in a nutshell.


quickie update-ish …

all sorts of fuckery and non-fuckery going on atm .. honestly looking forward to the ass end of the gregorian 2020, but am guessing the lessons learned-ded throughout, aren’t a one time event.

as much as i’d like to blame 2020 for all my ills & for the ills of the world, i cant.

like my stuff, the shit in the world has always been there, its just made its way to the surface. real fast!! & real hard!!

& that sums it all up really.

it feels like, well for me anyways, i was treading water & slowly finding my feet .. in a weird ass kinda way .. & then some cunt drained the water, replaced it with salt water & a quickly rising & dipping tide. & then … had some little cunt start throwing rocks from the embankment LOL.

funny, but not.

& thats been the groove all year.

pandemics & outright racism aside .. theres been some gobsmacking shit happening all around. i think my hardest reality though, has been realising that some of the those that i thought i knew quite well, have turned out to have less moral substance than they had portrayed. & as gut wrenching as that has been, its also been a huge fucken eye opener.

anyways ..

as im tapping this out, i’m aware i probably won’t get all the updates i want to get done, done .. cos yeah, im still abit limp in the brain area atm lol. but ..

i need to note .. that the shift i felt months ago .. the feeling like shit was changing .. that was unrecognisable & slightly uncomfortable but also felt like it was gonna be a good thing ..

yeah .. well its shifted.

& its good.

it is exactly more difficult than i had realised it would be but its good. a NEW good .. shit im completely not use too.

i feel like a have a different wave of confidence.

in myself .. & more importantly, in what ive come to learn about myself & the shit i’ve been through.

im still weighing it all up. slowly. cos slow is what i do now lol.

until i’m kinda more clear, i’ll keep posting my intermittent updates & a few random pieces that i need to relieve myself of lol.

& finish with ..

we only got one life.

there are no do-overs.

dont waste time with meaningless worthless BS.


.. …

what happens when you stop punishing yourself.



its aight ..

hear me :

by turning or weaponising any attempt at intimacy, as me being some dirty lil whore.

means you aint no different than everyone else. anyones whose attempted that. anyways.

although i feel strangely embarrassed and humiliated. which feels weird.

also unheard & misunderstood, again,  but then kinda meh ..

it aint nothing new.

that there has been so many who have taken the time to try and make me feel diminished, so as to make themselves feel better.

is tiring.

but to laugh, or make light of, my wound … on my trauma.

my gapping but healing wound ..

my, try every day to manage my reality, wound ..

is beyond what I imagined it would feel like.  does &  did , feel like.

youre not the first to dismiss, to try and minimise what you believe to be the issue.

youre not the first to try and validate your disdain and disapproval masked as disappointment. youre not the first with the inability to be truthful, fully.

& youre not the first to stomp your foot at my boundaries.


you are the last though.


& today im gonna rest.


& you can go fuck yo’self.




if i’ve survived 32 years of trauma ..

if i’ve run more times than i’ve rested ..

if i’ve acted in response to threat ..

if i’ve resisted everything, to breathe ..

do yah think i’m entitled to have a decades rest & recuperation ..

i think so.

thankyou very muchly.