today was ..

TW : some morbid/ish bs .. .. ..
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today was .. dizzying.
dreamt bout grandad again last night. that’s twice in 1 week. but no more than half a dozen in the last 14ish years.

‘sitting with it’ ..

( really gotta find an alternative name to that phrase .. I don’t like it .. like , journey and moving forward  lawd strike me down now ..

Anyways .. digression )

& I dunno if the moon is in your anus or if the planets are in digital alignment at the minute. but shit is def weird af.

anyway ..
grandad was making plum sauce .. in my dream. @ the old house. the one he built.

the one he built with the trade that he was ‘given’ after returning from world war fucking 2. he chose a trade .. not land.

the house where I felt the most love.
the house where I experienced on my lil & growing body and soul,  mongrelised depths of depravity.
the house where the smell of bacon & tomatoes meant going to work & love.
the house where the stench of bodily excrements & boiling opium, stuck to the walls.

how can all that coexist in one place.

i spose it has, in me.

screaming & smiling.
smiling & screaming.

the most protection experienced & the most vulnerability exploited .. all in one place.
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i suspect .. because he’s not talking to me .. this is grandad’s way of being near me.
his way of protecting.
his silent, slightly traumatised, way of holding onto my insides while they crumble.

making plum sauce for us .. was an act of love on so many levels.

I miss him.
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#life
#love
#demons
#unravel
#peace
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#bnw
#polaroid
#lil
#me
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#kpm©

errr hm ..

what a pleasant lil place it must be, to be in a space,
where you ain’t never required, to clean up,
the mess, you made.
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yup. the comma’s are in the right fkn place.
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#bnw
#dark
#child
#feral
#fuckyous
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#kpm©

aires .. etc

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so, it’s whiro ..
love me some whiro …
of te ngahuru ma tahi o paengawhawha
(yeah my phone don’t have those macron things .. deal).

& we moved into aires season. also, birthday month.

specifically, my birthday month.

so, after yesterday’s semi shock to the system, I decided to change up my usual plan & go commando, thusly making birthday month flexible, with extensions if necessary   cos ..

• fiddy ✊
•peri
•fuck the crown
•aging is a muthafukin hon.our
•fuck covxd
•you only get to call yourself the 5 . O once in a lifetime & not be the 5 . 0 路‍♀️
•i want to enjoy all of it @ my own pace
&
•fuck the crown.

so let me start off aires season with some words of wisdom for the m/asses :
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“the thing with ‘healing’ per se, is it’s messy af.
don’t matter what lovely little anecdote or meme your ass can come up with, or what wonderful little sunset & Maisey Rika tunes (no shade on Ms Rika, u gangang 藍), you can post along your ‘healing journey’ .. if it’s real .. its gonna hurt like fuck.

but not forever.

cos then it gets itchy.”
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yo welcome 
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Follow Me for more intermittent pearls of wis.dom. ✊
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slide one.
me.
unfiltered ..  giving you, pre fiddy finery, full of allergy goodness 藍

slide two.
the other part of the healing hikoi, I chose to embark, @ pre fiddy 臘‍♀️‍♀️

shout outs to the hau tutu of @pacificink , @stormy
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also ..
I’m wearing a cute lil @tohutees slash @tameiti inspired ensemble .. in it’s entirety it reads : “colonised af”.
get it ✊藍
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lastly .. but not leastly .. ❤️
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*matua chose his transition time beautifully.
got to see him in the tail of the waka last night .. a shooting star tohu .. & I am grateful to be alive @ a time that Moana Jackson trod papatuanuku too *
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#kpm©

yo welcome 😊

kpm©

been a minute &

created a climate of chaos.
so you lookin like the save.i.our.
but.
you the catalyst.
you the In.stigator.
you the Fire starter.
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now
put out yo own fire.
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
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#bnw #bs
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#artistic  #intersectional #linguistical
#tutu
#truthseeker
#etcetera

#kpm©


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overwhelming.sense.of.
feeling.
alone.
isolated.
lone.
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unsafe.
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vulnerable.
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these.take.over.any.sense.
of.
any.thing.else.
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decided.
to.sit.ye/thee.with.that.shit.
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let.see.wot.te.fuck.gives.
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artistic & intersectional linguistical tutu & truth seeker.i am.
#etcetera
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#kpm©

page break


literal.

chilling & recalibrating.

resting.

do the same.


kpm©

.. . . the end.

for now.

thankyou, heaps, for every little word, smile & encouragement. for being yous & fucking with me.

love yahs for it.

head up, shoulders back.

breathe deep.

& don’t let the fuckers get to yah.

see you on the flip sides.


kpm©

final deep shit thoughts , re me & twenty motherfucking twenty one Hun

i think I’m still after a feeling .. Safety.
in my body, skin.
i’m not sure what that ‘looks’ like until I see it.
the thing that makes me feel the most at ease, is .. simplicity .. in all senses of the word.
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is the world an unsafe place for a little girl.
for a half grown girl.
for a half ass grown woman.
for a womxn.
for a brown woamn.
Is it.
Is it really.
At all.
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All she needed was protection.
To feel safe.
Ok.
Protected.
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The child didn’t feel protected.
The child wasn’t protected.
The child had to protect itself.
It’s still frozen in one place waiting for shit to make sense.
Waiting for grown ups to do something, grown up.
Like.
Manage themsleves.
And protect those that are vulnerable.
However.
They’re vulnerable.
And as ungrown up as the child standing next to them, watching them implode and explode.
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In the meantime .. we tryna grow our own selves up.

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kpm©

final thoughts : intersections @ ’21

see, when you’ve completely exiled and ostracised a whole set of people, and then expect them to give a fuck about the health of the collective .. the exiled do not give a shit.

it’s not just that the crown has done absolutely nothing to honour te tiriti. but they have, as a collective, set out to annihilate Us from 1840 onwards.

legislation, destabilisation, imprisonment, land grabs, assimilation etc .. the recipe hasn’t changed.

they push hard to appear like they give a shit about your brown ass, & mandate the fuck out of shit we were already locked out of & a shitload of us don’t give a fuck about ..

but they’re the shiestiest fuckers on the planet nek to those phallus riding bullshitters.


kpm©

kia ora ..

just a hello and a welcome to the tonne of newbies .. i see yous and thankyou for the follow!

so, as you peruse, you’ll see there doesnt seem to be much of a structure to this blog lol .. & thats purposeful.

i know i know.

i write & dump & hollah & scream & upload & download & dump some more .. as i feel.

for me, this is entirely the essence of anxiety & pts(d) for me.

within it, i’ve found some kinda semblance of balance & peace.

@ the end of the day thats all im trying to do really.

if you find some kind of something out of it too, then cool. & youre welcome lol.

but dont try to figure it out. you’ll just mind fuck yo’self lol & no-one wants that ay.

anyways .. welcome to you all .. even those selling yo wares .. yeah i see yous too …

.


kpm(c)

guess what else ..

i sat outside and read 2 chapters of my book.

IKR.


kpm©

guess what i reckon ..

speed,

is a trauma response.

designed to make u respond impulsively.


when i think about our tipuna and the old school Hui on the marae .. not the new wananga ones .. the ones that have u yawning but sleeping with one eye open .. those ones.

those bastards went for days lol.


Why.


cos everything got looked at, turned over, relooked at, re turned and relooked @.

no motherfucking stone was left unturned and it was done on our terms at our pace.


im gonna let that simmer.


kpm©

its .. well,

had me another weird ass memory / feeling / dream thingy ..
being in a shop with baskets & ornament things .. looking for stuff .. realising though ..


i was looking for home.

a place to make mine.
to feel comfortable.
not so much cushiony comfortable .. but owned & safe kinda comfortable.

i never really found it.

i still looking.

for home.


kpm©

yah know ..

i had enough of me being shredded, stifled, torn & worn.
it’s time.

to protect, build, bind & strengthen.


kpm©

Image

yo ..

so, ive recently moved #mystory content to password protected content ..

explanation : ish

i been thinking for the longest time *groan* about what is ‘available’ publicly, & respecting my growth .. what i put out there .. why i put it out there .. blah de fucking blah . yah get my drift.

what it forced me to look @ is the why …

for those that have been round forever, you’d remember i started this site / blog cos i literally had no resources prior to being given a computer & a subscription for a years internet provision.

i shit you not.

& here’s the thing.

theres broke & then theres broken. & @ the time i started this blog, i was both.

i hadn’t left the house in years. i was dizzy. anxious. frightened. no money. no job. no nuddah .. but worst of all, i was running out of energy.

that was like 8 years ago.

i would love to say that help just magically appeared. that there was a long list or even short list, of agencies or people or support places, that were on to it, that i could tap into.

but there wasnt.

i finally found some resources but was pretty fucked up by then.

blogging was free.

& thats it.

thats why i started this ‘journey’. it was my way of processing & making peace-ish with the bitch ass that is pts(d).

& now im here.

ive resolved a whole heap of shit .. other shit is still in ‘process’ lol.

.

so this is where im @.

i didnt spend 40 plus years reliving fucked up shit to get here & forget that child sexual assault is still a real fucking issue.

its not gone anywhere.

it hasnt diminished any.

people like me are still crippled af by the effects of it.

& honestly, fuck that shit.

its layers of bullshit.

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does my story inspire resistance & fortitude for others? fucked if i know. but i know i didnt come this far for nothing. i’ve shared in one way or another, what resolving, letting go, re-resolving, re-living, un-earthing, making peace, making war, fucking shit, looks like for me.

i know im more @ peace with myself than i ever used to be.

whats the moral of this long winded post lol ..

i’ve locked the grisly content so i can move on .. for this part of my journey.

however …

theres always a how-fucking-ever with me lol ..

if yah need to read my lifes story cos it may help You with something .. im gonna pin this post. you can leave your email deets in the comments section (which i won’t make public & will delete after) & ill send you the password for the #mystory content.

i only ask that you do one thing for me please ..

i’d like you to google “local agencies working with child sexual assault victims”.

that’ll take you on a wild af ride.

but when you find the one that resonates with you, please make a donation to them. anything. big or small. monetary or whatever you can.

cos honestly .. this whole sexually assaulting children is some fucked up shit, thats way past expiry date.

& it takes more than the village to dismantle that shit.

it takes more than sheer determination to heal that shit.

feel me.

.

so yeah .. thats it.


kpm©

.. .. ..

#ptsd

the art of being a moving target.


kpm©

&

trying to heal things that were never mine or never intended for me to heal.

is some fucked up shit.


kpm©

#ptsd

is perpetual panic.

period.


kpm©