i have little faith in humanity.
& No faith in the systems that have set themselves up to control my existence.
i have no faith in a god that doesn’t hear and choses not to see.
i have no faith in those that utilise that logic.
there is nothing in this present fuckery that would suggest that anyone has me & mine, best interests in mind. rather, they are more concerned about a collective that doesn’t exist and a lie rather than history & honesty.
but such is my history, no?
it’s taken a while to grieve, acknowledge & adjust.
& we both know it’s not done.
in amongst it all, i wait to hear you.
but you & I know that truth, right.
you know I weighed you up.
the options were similar to what is being presented atm. & the pressure and timeframe feels just as tight, jarring & triggering af.
but I keep waiting to hear you. waiting for you to tell me what to do.
like i’ve ever listened to anyone anyways living or dead .. but you know this, right.
i can feel the same angst i felt all those years ago. that still tails me when i feel pressure & coercion .. waiting for the analyst part of me to kill all my emotions & take the fucking wheel.
but you know that right.
do you remember me touching you .. well, holding the place where you grew .. just as your sibling had been a short while before.
you felt that ever present knot, that resides all up in that place, right.
you heard me scream from that place, right.
did you hate me then, or feel pity. knowing that my choice was going to be self preservation.
i knew, you knew.
how cruel is that ay.
i don’t know if I’ll ever make complete peace with my choices. or if I’ll ever not hate those that got me to that place. or if I’ll ever not feel that loathing you see in my eyes. feel in my soul.
I know you know I loved you.
I know you know I could feel you leave.
Or did that happen to the both of us ay.
I also know you know I know you know, it should never have been that way .. but it was . It is.
I hope to hear you some day.
Feel you, maybe.
Or maybe you know I know it hurts too much, so you don’t whisper at me.
i do feel the pitter patters of your teeny tiny feets on my chest though, trying to make it crack.
It hurts like fuck.
But you know that, right.
& I am trying .. breathing.
I’ve put you amongst your tipuna & your siblings .. neices & nephews.
I’ll leave you there for as long as you need.
well, as long as I need.
I love you.
I always have.
I always will.