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I did it … I did it …

Feeling bit like Dora the bloody Explorer … except for the ‘We’ did it part, is ‘I’ did it!

Here goes … bullet points again, cos I’m tired, but ecstatic, but tired – and bullet points just work beautifully for Me πŸ˜‰

  • I decided I’d go to my appointment with the psychologist today.
  • I decided I’d do the blood test.
  • I was ready, with all my bits and pieces.
  • I got up early.
  • Got my shit together early.
  • Actually enjoyed that process.
  • I sat in the front seat πŸ˜‰
  • We got to town early.
  • We went through who knows how many sets of lights.
  • I didn’t freak out!
  • I gathered all necessary bits to deal with blood taking.
  • I made sure I pee’d before blood being drawn!
  • Live and learn.
  • I asked for the small needle.
  • I told the nurse I was nervous.
  • I requested the partner come in with Me.
  • I told him to be quiet.
  • He wasn’t being helpful.
  • He looked hurt.
  • But he survived.
  • And I survived!

post jab!

  • That sorted.
  • I filled up the anxiety and oozy feeling with these:

sweet crunchy nectar of the gods!

  • We made our way to my daughters job.
  • I was excited πŸ™‚
  • The traffic lights freaked Me once …
  • And I breathed!
  • And I survived.
  • At the cafe, it was way more packed than expected.
  • I had a momentary wave of …. F U C K, and then I spotted my girl πŸ™‚

my beautiful girl ❀

  • And all was alright with the world πŸ™‚
  • I was so proud of her.
  • And proud of Me for being there.
  • Some parents want their kids to be lawyers or doctors or politicians … but I want my kids to follow their dreams and be happy in their worlds.
  • See that smile?
  • I had a Mummy moment and almost cried πŸ˜‰
  • She made Me the best coffee Ever!

best caffe mocha Ever πŸ˜‰

  • We stayed for over an hour … Yuss!!
  • I so miss going to cafes!
  • I even talked to a stranger!
  • There was a surprise ‘encounter’ with the MIL!
  • A wave of anxiety.
  • Then back to myself.
  • She was her usual.
  • She took offence to most of what I said.
  • I didn’t care πŸ™‚
  • I continued to enjoy my coffee!! Yuss!
  • Then it was on to the psychologist.
  • I had my list.
  • We went through my list.
  • I can go see her again regularly.
  • We’ll do more EMDR.
  • And try a few other nifty things she has at her disposal re driving and lessening anxiety.
  • I decided to wait till after the next assessment to start this.
  • She’s good with that.
  • The partner arrived late to pick Me up.
  • This would usually freak my shit out.
  • I played my music and sang instead πŸ™‚
  • He came.
  • And I was alright!
  • I survived.
  • He survived!

we survived πŸ˜‰

  • On to picking up the airport twat.
  • I had ear muffs packed.
  • I didn’t need them!
  • She was offended that I didn’t want to sit in the front seat with her in the car.
  • She was offended that I wouldn’t tell her why.
  • I didn’t care πŸ™‚
  • And I was alright!
  • And so was She!
  • And so was the partner πŸ˜‰
  • And we left … we went through multiple traffic lights, with multiple stops and multiple noises.
  • And guess what?
  • Yes … I survived!!
  • And I actually enjoyed most of it!
  • And I am so fucking proud of Myself right now!!

it goes like this …

The day started off pretty good … ‘normal’, for Me.

I got my shizz ready to go to the shop … yes, it’s still a struggle, but I’m trying …

I get outside and half way down the road and my phone rings. The phone call I’ve been waiting for from the ACC cunts is coming through. Now? Of course Now … Why? Because I’m Me, that’s Why.

Decision time: To take the call whilst trying to walk to the shop; trying to maintain my shizz – the lights, the noises … trying to calm my freaking farm … Choosing to take the call that I’ve been waiting waiting waiting for … OR

Wait … till god knows when, for them to ring back.

Decision made to take the phone call.

Arrgh. And she spirals down from there.

Nearly at the shop and trying to listen to this woman belt on about the next ‘assessment’ process, whilst she keeps calling me ‘sweetie’ and ‘love’ … both condescending ‘you poor mentally injured soul’ terms of reference that peeps love to pull out so they seem all sympathetic and understanding and shit … and the inevitable happens …

Panic Attack.

Do I sit down on the curb side and breathe deep or fluster fuck myself all the way home and deep breath. Option 2 taken and I barely made it in the door.

ACC twat rounded off her conversation and all I gleaned from it was:

‘The next available appointment is around the end of August’ and ‘No amount of money is ever going to compensate what you have been through’ … which is code for; ‘We are going to pay you sweet fuck all because to Us, you really are nothing but a number who we are not really wanting to pay out anything for – so brace yo’self … for sweet fuck all’.

Oh My Fuck.

So, inside my door, the inevitable melt down happened. Tears and snot and trying to catch my breath and getting my hands over my ears …

And the partner goes:

‘You alright’

Not a question Β so much as a statement; intended to get the tears to stop, because they make him most uncomfortable … oh and he has a cold sore which is way way more intense than anything I’m experiencing Pfft …

So as the meltdown continues and I’m trying to wrap my funky little head round myself … it occurs to Me …

I am the strongest person I know.

And like everything else, I’ll deal with this bitch just as heartily as I do everything else. It may not be an elegant process or outcome … but it’ll be a Me outcome.

Oossh and double Oossh,Β Me.

father and ACC

So, do you want the good news or the bad news first …

…. dunno why we say that … theres just news really, neither good nor bad … any who …

So?

Ok, bad it is …

Apparently; according to a rather untimely snail mail letter today, from the almighty ACC … I am up for yet another assessment.

Why you ask?

Well, apparently, again, the last assessment was a pre-assessment assessment. Didn’t know they existed did yah … well, apparently, they do!

…. but do you realise how long it took Me to get ready for the last assessment which y’all said was all I needed to do … and do you realise how long it took to get over the last assessment which y’all said was I all I needed to do?

Thats right … fucking ages!

But since I’ve been waiting, like, 5 or so years for that pre-assessment assessment and then another 6 months for those results … only to be told the assessment that I thought was what i was waiting for all this time is actually only the pre-assessment assessment and that assessment is pending … I could be in for another 5 year wait???

No. Of course not … *she says ultra sarcastically so she neither cries or laughs hysterically at the absurdity of the whole fucking thing … cos all this time, she’s still the one sitting on a cool $35 smack-a-roos a week … yes, thats right … the sum total of … *

Ahhhhhh Β  Β  …. deep breaths …. deep breaths …

So, onto the good news …

Sure thing …

I spoke with my father.

He apologised … for not listening; for being a shit father; for not ever ever being around; for going on about shit I don’t give a fuck about; for not listening; for not getting to know Me; for not visiting; for not ever ringing; for not listening; …. for barging his way into my life … full of grief and anxiety … and expecting Me to be my sisters replacement … for taking Me for granted … oh … and for not listening!

He finally told Me about his life … his actual life … he answered my questions … and gave Me real answers. He talked about my sister … who she was to him … what she was like … as a person … as a mother. He finally talked about his regrets and his hopes … his failures and his wins … the real ones.

And he finally, finally, asked Me about Me.

So, there we have it … the ups and the downs … the good and the bad … for today.

Now I can sleep … hopefully … because as much as I thought I had kicked insomnias ass … I haven’t been to sleep before 2.30am and slept more than a few hours, for a couple weeks now … and I’m exhausted.

I’ll be fucked if I know how I survived on 3-4 hours sleep for the past 35+ years … oh, thats right … I didn’t.

cull-time

So after a bitch of day yesterday, and realising that I need to flip that script and get a handle on my shizz – aka re-define my world, as only I can πŸ˜‰ … it only seemed fitting to do a bit of a cull.

Facebook is done. I am now following a grand total of 10 lol.

Twitter was next. 150 out and 150ish left … beautiful Art and amazing wordsmiths now fill that feed.

Instagram was simple. And hats off to the millennial’s … that shits pretty dam good.

Pinterest will have to wait, cos that is super overloaded.

And now onto this forum.

Now, please don’t take offence … but if you’re a business or selling some shit that I don’t need … or if you’re just way sadder and a little more fucked up than Me right now … or, unfortunately, I can’t handle the be-dazzlement of your ‘theme’ – then this is where we will part company.

I dig that you’re doing You … but I can’t at the moment.

Keep being Fabulous and I’ll catch yah on the flip side πŸ™‚

Peace Out.

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well that was interesting …

Who would have thought …

the things I needed to hear the most today …

would come from a

39 year old drag queen’s podcast.

Thank you for your

vulnerability.

❀

no i’m not ~ responding #9

contrary to popular belief

i am not here for:

your pleasure

your ogling

your hands

your dick.

i am not here for:

you to tell me to smile

to act like a lady

to speak quieter

to be quiet.

i am not here for:

you to moan at

to cry too

to comfort

to console.

i am not here for:

you to learn

to observe

to quote

to re write.

i am not here to:

teach you about me

usher you around the edges

coddle and envelope

educate.

i am here

because I am here.

No more.

No less.

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on grooming ~ responding #8

so defined by aunty google as:

groom
ɑruːm/
verb
gerund or present participle: grooming
  • 1.
    brush and clean the coat of (a horse, dog, or other animal).
    “the horses were groomed and taken to shows”
    Β 
  • 2.
    prepare or train (someone) for a particular purpose or activity.
    “star pupils who are groomed for higher things”
    synonyms: prepare, prime, make ready, ready, condition, tailor; More

    And what does this have to do with Me?

    lets re-google and quote the learned Urban Dictionary:

    The act of luring another with gifts, favors, promises, praise, or bbqribs with the intent of gaining sexual favors. The perpetrator of “grooming” must have a significant advantage of emotional intelligence, financial independence, intelligence quotient or simply perpetrating against a minor.

    Please Note:

The perp must have a significant advantage of … etc.

But where does “having a motive or intention to do something in your own favour, without the ‘recipient’ knowing your motive or intention” fit into that equation?

You see, people ‘groom’ others everyday.

Really?

Yes they do.

For instance.

I want the last piece of cake. I could get up in the middle of the night and eat it. My intention is to have it by all means necessary you see. But instead … I do the following:

“Have you put on a bit of weight?

“Those pants look a little tight … but it suits you … sort of …

“Are you still watching your sugar intake?

“You seem a little OTT today? Have you had extra sugar?

Yeah.

And then come the end of the day, when I ask:

“Do you want the last piece of cake sweetheart?

You Say …. Ahhhh No thanks, think I need to watch my weight and sugar intake … help yourself πŸ™‚

////

So, has this all been a manipulative process – with method and intent – to get what I want?

Sure has!

And it worked a treat!

And does this occur everyday in nearly every situation we are put into?

Yup, it certainly fucking does. Too lesser or greater variations.

So as a heads up.

I Do Not Like Being Groomed.

Not for anything. Ever.

And as for intent …

I smell your intention long before you’ve entered the room.

Previous sexual assault, and living with its effects, gives Me a dam fine snout when it comes to that sort of bullshit.

And that right there is an A.1 positive fucking outcome that I am embracing the living shit out of right now!

mauri of me #17

slow and steady.

little by little

my view is changing

i know it is

i can feel it,

see it.

what i notice,

is the same,

but better.

who i notice,

is the same,

but different.

….

i knew i would

i could

just didn’t know

how, or when.

….

i’m a resourceful bish

like that.

did i mention my father went back to where he came from?

It was kind of inevitable, and whether he comes back or not, is to be seen.

So he spent just over a month in the country and I didn’t see him once. This is also not an unusual thing.

The positives? … Well, I’m still figuring that one out.

I certainly got to ‘know’ him a bit more, strongly enough. Not through face to face methods, but though the screen; again. He pretty much, could of stayed in Australia for that.

Apparently he’s used to getting his way.

How have I come to know this?

He hints. Makes little (and large) suggestions.

Unfortunately, I don’t do hints. Or suggestions. I do up front, straight up questions and answers. So do my kids.

Just before he left the country – again – he rang me to say he was ready to be picked up. Like – Now. 6pm one evening … even though I don’t drive; I’ve told him repeatedly that we need at least 24 hours notice (because I don’t drive and the partner has a bad back … ); and just because it’s freaking courteous to give someone (like me especially) a fucking heads up.

Well the answer to his demand, was a resounding … No. But we can come on Monday. So the following day, after he’d been denied, he rang to say he was going home.

Surprise surprise. And See Yah.

Not that shit don’t work on Me mate.

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366 reasons to smile ~ +116 …. the dinner was gang-stah ;)

We started with Brunch for Mama … cos why not, right … if your going to eat all day, you may as well start it off right πŸ˜‰

Croissants, Melted Chocolate and Coffee (Perculator and Plunger)

1st course, or ‘Aperitivo’, of the Main Menu, was the palate cleanser … Spumante.

Surprisingly (not .. lol) everyone wanted a little nap after that …

2nd course, or ‘Antipasti’, was Pizza … with a shit tonne of Mozarella πŸ˜‰

3rd course, or ‘Primi’, was Watercress Brodo (Broth). This one, I found particularly gangstah … and for those that know what our Aotearoa boil up tastes like … well this broth was inspired by that.

4th course, or ‘Secondi’, was Lamb Rack with Salsa Verde.

The picture says it all … and the evening sky was just beautiful.

Alongside this course, was the 5th course, or ‘Contorni’, which was Watercress and Green Tomato with burnt butter. Yes, I know …

6th course, or ‘Dolce’ (dessert), was Vanilla Bean Gelato. It came out way better than I expected … and I served it with stewed plums, juice and chopped mint.

7th course, or ‘Formaggio E Frutta’, was a selection of local cheeses and a selection of fruits.

8th course, or ‘Caffe’, was fresh ground beans, percolated … Gang-stah !!

And last but not least, the 9th course, or ‘Digestivo’, was my Limoncello. As the course suggests, this was all about the digestion πŸ˜‰ And we certainly needed a little aid after all that food.

I think what I enjoyed the most was the laughter … and hanging out with everyone I love.

I had such a nice day …

And bonus … my brother gave me this little beauty (not a very good pic soz) … its a beautiful black stone in a hand crafted ‘frame’ or case, otherwise known as Black TourmalineΒ … renowned for its protective properties ❀