have had a hard time stringing a legible sentence together of late, hence not updating sooner.
its been nearly a week since my trip to see the shrink & the fuckery was abounding prior to departure.
it feels like all the things i used to be able to utilise to calm my shit down aren’t quite working like they use too .. so i’ve had to recalibrate & look for alternatives .. again.
this time, prior, i made sure i had the usual calming shit to take with me .. it took up the entire back seat of the car lol!
but added to that i needed to plan for the distance we were travelling, the spaces i’d be in & all the fuckery the goes with that over a longer period of time.
all in all, i planned well.
the actual appointment was pretty on point. i met the lawyer & then the shrink. questions re shrink, were standard, nerve inducing & slightly traumatic. as per usual. i forgot a tonne of stuff & pretty much waded my way through the appointment by the seat of my especially comfortable pants ;) when it came to recounting trauma time .. i forgot a shit tonne of stuff .. which seems to be a thing for me at the moment. most of the time i embrace it, cos who wants to remember that shit anyways .. but hopefully it hasn’t detrimentally fucked up the report.
so, since that event things have just been about trying to chill, not overthink the next part & roll with everyday mundane shit. never thought i’d be so interested in mundane shit .. yah know, vacuuming, cleaning or reorganising shit .. it calming & reassuring & at the moment, is life lol.
the review is in a few weeks so there be a lot of cleaned surfaces between now & then ;)
i’m glad i’m here, in this place .. that the trees are green, that the sky is big .. that it all adds to feeling calmer. i’m pleased my daughters have gotten a grip on what it is thats happening & are supportive. thats been huge. & im grateful af to finally feel like i have more than one option ;)
choice is a huge deal or me.
fuck with it & i fuck with you.
so todays a calm day .. & i’m gonna enjoy it.