spit that shit out
spit that shit out
What a long ass day…moko 2 and 3 kept me on my toes aight!
And I loves them heaps!! But am I pleased they’re in bed? Hell yes! Lol.
But, I can say, I actually enjoyed them…for the first time in a long time…I enjoyed being Nanny, without freaking out or feeling trapped or trying to cover all my bases so nothing bad would happen…that shit has stolen enough from me already…it’s nice to have some freedom back!
Freedom to just be me…and enjoy being me!
And enjoy everything and everyone that is around me!
Loads and loads of love and light and supremely fluffy stuff 😄
Christmas was one of the best I think I’ve had in a very very long time! Possibly ever. It was simple…real. We did family…we ate, laughed, ate some more, hung out with the babies, caught up, reminised, loved, took the piss out of one another…relaxed…did genuineness…it was good! I think all of us have gotten to that place where we can appreciate each others differences and embrace each others ‘flaws’, such as they are.
For me personally, I was able to pace myself, but enjoy, really enjoy all that I was involved in. And for me, that is huge progress…to be present and to enjoy, or embrace, everything that was happening around me and not freak out!
New Years was similar, but the fams had all headed home by then and we got to chill. We did the beach at midnight and even dropped into a mates place for a drink! The old PTSD kicked in along with heightened senses, at about 230am…but for me, that’s huge progress!
I now look forward to a New Year and shitloads of new experiences…which I am going to enjoy 🙂
As much as I hate to admit it, I had a moment today, just a slight glimpse…into the unrealisticness of my expectations. And it grieves me to know that as realistic as I thought I was…I am not.
I think somewhere in my little world, I’ve had this view…hope…expectation…that someday, somewhere…when I had done enough…was good enough…had got better enough…had succeeded enough…when everything was calm enough…
That I’d be alright. That I’d be content and happy…when everything else is settled and in order.
And I’ve spent a long time trying to order my life…get all my fluffy ducks in a little ultra organised row.
Well…I think I have been mistaken. And I really really don’t like to admit it…because its a cold day in hell when I am wrong 😉
I think I’m beginning to understand what those tree huggers are getting at when they talk about ‘grounding’. It all sounded to airy fairy for me…and it still is…I think their language choice bites. But I think their version of ‘grounding’, reinterpreted, is about being OK with yourself…right now. Not waiting for the story to get better…not waiting till the stars and universes align…but right now.
That I am, OK right now. Shitty and angry…is OK. Its real and its me…at the moment. Sad and stressed…is OK…its real and its me…sometimes. Nervous and anxious…well that’s real and slightly imagined (blame ptsd for that atm)…but its real, and its me…right now and sometimes.
All of it…is all right.
It’s when I start trying to fuck with it and make it all clean and tidy and prettied up; or make excuses or give reasons for it, that I get into strife.
There is no happy ever after…theres just the here and now…and I’m OK here and now…as I have always been whenever and wherever I am.
I am who I am.