like religion: its based in the theory that you believe you need saving.
& fuck it.
like religion: its based in the theory that you believe you need saving.
& fuck it.
i dont like religion. in particular : christianity.
i dont agree with it. i dont believe in it. i dont like it.
i am particularly adverse to being told i need to be something else, so i dont end up in hell.
guess what fuckers … hell is here. & i aint buying what you’re selling.
so says our bro taika waititi.
so, this happened today.
headline: forty-nine dead in mosque mass shooting.
& let the blame games begin.
am i surprised this has happened in clean green new zealand?
& this is all i had to say about that:
“yep ill say it:
this is exactly what NZ is. there is a part of the population that is awake, aware & not racist AF … but the time for letting the other part of the population, that are as racist AF, get away with their racist little snide remarks & their openly cowardice actions … yeah that time was way the fuck over years ago. this is not the first time this soil has seen a ‘culture’ decimated by white men. & today is a wake up call.
this is not about religion or even politics IMO. its about the notion of superiority. in this case, white superiority. which we all know is some bullshit.
y’all need to get your ‘culture’ in check.”
you are entitled to yours.
& me mine, or lack thereof.
questionnaire twat asks:
me: i don’t have one
me: i don’t like ‘religion’ per se
me: they have no relevance in my world
me: not in mine
me: i think thats bullshit. you need to add a tab to the questionnaire which says ‘no religious belief’
me: so, i’ll answer you, but you need to note in the ‘other’ section that i don’t have a religion per se
me: so you can log me in as a taoist slash anarchist
me: yep, you heard right. log it in.
following on from the other day and post:
i was having a hard time getting my head round the whole thing, but it’s sorta coming together.
being raised in mainstream christianity compounded being sexually assaulted. where they should have been showering the love of jesus, they were trying to control me … as an outcome. they wanted a good little christian brown girl and what they were seeing was not that.
i get all that now.
what also occurred to me though, was in that environment there is no room to be thyself let alone explore your options. there is after all, only one option and thats ‘gods’ option. straight, white, male, conformist.
it took awhile to realise i wasn’t white. and that no amount of appeasing the white christians was going to make me white.
i was definitely no male.
straight? well that was a given … after all, brown girls are better on their backs after all … and then cleaning up and repenting for their brown ancestors.
and conformist i was not and am not.
i had questions and no answers.
i think what disturbs but is that in this environment, which isn’t unlike the rest of society really … how is a person supposed to be comfortable in their ethnicity, sexuality, chosen gender and role?
there is no room for figuring that shit out and becoming all that you were intended to be.
instead we fight.
fight to be heard.
fight to figure shit out.
fight to be.
but when do we stop fighting?
when is it alright to just be? to just explore? to just figure out what fits?
i guess my point i am making to myself really; is that the time to relax and figure out who and what i am … what i like … what i Want to express … what i Want to say …
my hope for my grand babies, is that will be able to explore everything they want to be … figure out for themselves what they believe in and whats worth believing in. i hope in doing so, they’ll save themselves a hell of a lot of years fighting and fighting some more.
they’ve got bigger and better things to do.
addendum: which is ironic as i havent even published the fucking thing yet … anywho … this has been sitting in my drafts and i’ve been tutuing with it, editting, adding and adjusting … and it doesnt feel right, so i’ve left it for awhile …
and this morning, i’m here again, but this time i’m like … ” Fuck It … just post the fucking thing as it is and do the updates on it later “…
Reason being: i think i’m holding onto it and silencing myself … again … and because this post is in a long winded way, exactly what i’m trying to UNDO … it’s important that i just throw it out there … it’s a whole layer of me that i haven’t ‘done’, and that shit is coming to an end.
so … roll on ;)
in a couple posts so far i’ve said that i’ve been dreaming vividly, and the following train of thought came from one of these dreams. it has to do with religion, conformity, norms, recovery and discovering who i am.
gonna do this in 2 parts, possibly a few parts lol, cos i’m still putting my pieces together. as i do.
i’m gonna start with religion. specifically, my experience of religion and being brought up in a ‘christian’ environment.
keep in mind that the sexual assaults on my little personage started around the 3 year old mark and ‘christianity’, as i remember it, was introduced to my world at about 4 or 5 years old.
sexual assault on its own fucks with the feng shui, trust, physical boundaries, instincts and decision making, to name but a few. repeated assault (physical, psychological and emotional) produce a hyperarousal state whereby the assault-ee is in constant assessment and reaction mode/s.
right, that said, heres my dissection of religion as it pertains to me and my experience.
i came across an article the other day, to do with religious trauma. they call it religious trauma syndrome.
in the article it describes the effects of religious trauma, or being under the influence of a tyrannical religious influence for prolonged periods, as : fear, anxiety, flash backs, panic attacks, nightmares, depression, cognitive difficulties and issues with social functioning.
because this type of religious entity requires conformity to fit in, non-conformity reigns down the wrath of god, figuratively – the wrath of those ‘in charge’, literally.
as i said before, my introduction to the Assemblies of God church was at about 4 or 5 years of age, and that was in 1977-78. i got completely clear of the church for the first time when i was about 16 or 17. everything that i did after that was smothered with guilt and the prospect of going to hell. my daughter was taken from me based on the theory that i was not conforming to a normal christian lifestyle, which including drinking and hanging out with non-christians.
i know right!
throughout my mothering ‘career’ i came up against a number of ‘controls’ that tried to use my daughters as a means to make me comply. when i did not, i was psychological punished; sometimes, physically punished with the threat of having the kids taken from me.
add to all of this a large helping of mental and emotional torture which i fought against but fought alone.
i completely ditched any and all churches in my 30s and when my children were about 12 and 7. i was completely and utterly damned for it and ostracised from friends and those i had come to consider as family.
i don’t regret the decision and still have absolutely no interest in any religion.
it’s taken years to chip off the after effects of all that indoctrination though. not that i ever believed what they preached entirely, but it was rather hard to say you didn’t believe in something or ask questions or ask for details, when the answer was always : because god said.
that was never enough for me.
as the years have gone on and i’ve managed to figure out that organised religion has nothing to do with spirituality or ‘god’; that god is what ever and whoever you feel comfortable with them being to you.
but to this day, i will literally sprint from organised religious nut jobs and their speeches, quicker than you can say: ‘go’.
i have had enough to deal with the assaults and add a thick layer of religious mayhem to that, and i realised, i’ve been a busy bitch, trying to piece myself back together … back to what i was intended to be before others peoples ideals, beliefs and sicknesses fucked with me.
religious freakiness and all its controlling techniques are pretty much like a pedo grooming and assaulting. the after effects are also similar.
it occurred to me today: that i have more grit and determination and fight for life, than i thought i had.
i am pleased i have a questioning streak; that i will not conform to anothers ‘shoulds’ or suggestions, just because they ask or demand it of me. that instinct in me has kept me alive and kept me searching for better.
that makes me as gangstah as fuck.
part 2, ish.
if you know anything about christianity, you’ll know a lot of their teachings focus on the damnation of ‘sexuality’. i was going to say homosexuality, but really, this lot condemns more than just sexual orientation.
they teach abstination of desire, exploration, sexual boundaries and orientation. all things sexual are considered sinful (punishable by hell) unless you are married.
in my personal experience, by the time i hit my teens i wasn’t really ‘interested’ in being sexual or experimenting or discovering. i’d had more than my fair share of invasive, demeaning and damaging sexual experiences.
like the sexual assault on me as an infant, any and all sexual experiences thereafter were experienced through the lens of guilt and damnation. at no time do i remember there being any lessons on what reasonable exploration was about. or even what sexuality and intimacy was about. in my mind it was all dirty. all of it. and unfortunately, my very early experiences did nothing to dissuade that thought pattern. christianity’s teachings actually just compounded it.
and this isn’t adding to the mixture how society views female sexuality, desire and / or their choices.
part 3, later. maybe.
kpm © : ig @kpm-artist
had a recent interesting reminisce with FB compadres re my past life of church-going wifey-ness.
i was never really that good at either to be honest.
both are bullshit.
and thats where i’ll leave it.
ps: not my meme.
and like them,
they said it was ok.
with their mouths.
but their eyes.
said something different.
and their souls.
yes I can see them.
their souls said a completely different
watch my hands.
i’ll sell you something
you don’t need.
I only knew what I’d been told from many a sermon. The ones that were a prelude to sin, sinful ways, un-subservient wives, hell and damnation. That Jezebel was a manipulative, conniving whore who was ultimately thrown out a window into the street to be eaten by dogs.
All the women in the church would shift uncomfortable in their seats. All the men would grow a few inches in their chairs, look down the length of their noses at the surrounding would be harlots of the church. Single parents, young ladies – unwed young ladies, young ladies, girls that had usually turned down their tentacles and bullshit laying on of hands in prayer.
One friend of mine, an in the closet lesbo at that stage, had an older man, a ‘up standing pillar of the church and community’; rub her back during one of those laying on of hands sessions…her back…her lower back…her ass…her side…the side of her boobs…oops her boobs. She smacked him in the face and left in tears. Fucking good on her. She never came back. Go figure. But she was forever thereafter called Jezebel as well.
The first time I remember being called Jezebel, I had refused to take my hat off in church. I think I must have been about 13 or 14. I had come in late and sat in my usual spot at the back. I was still attending church, because I had too. It was part of the requirement for living at home. I came in and sat down. I wasn’t really paying attention, but I had skipped the 3 fast songs, the 1 slow song, the tithing speech, tithes and the next slow song. I arrived on the ‘winding up to 10 minutes of worship’ song, where they would all touch the face of God. I often wondered what would happen if God had said…”shit you lot are predictable and fucking boring! Go do something productive and feed the couple hundred kids round the corner that don’t have any food because their parents spent it all at the pub last night”. That would’ve been good.
But as I was pontificating, one of the ‘godly’ dudes came sidling up to me and asked me to remove my hat as it was disrespectful. ‘To who’, was my reply. ‘To God’, was his. ‘I don’t think God cares’, I said. But this dude did. His shoulders started puffing up and he got a bit of a chest thing going on…nearly frothing but not quite. ‘I told you to take it off…the Bible says you shouldn’t wear hats inside’…’really, where abouts does it say that?’. The good thing about sitting in church for years is I pretty much had a pretty good idea what was in that bible and what wasn’t. And what he was referring to was in the Old Testament somewhere…and they were forever rambling on about how the Old Testament had become defunct since Christ came back and died and stuff. Until there was a good occasion to revitalize the Old Testament for their own purposes…and this was one of them. Needless to say this dude got pretty pissed off with me, in the biblical sense of pissed off; I didn’t remove my hat, so he removed it for me. I told him not to touch me and to get fucked.
I got called Jezebel.
So here’s an edited version of Jezebel, according to Wiki…
Jezebel (/ˈdʒɛzəbəl/, Hebrew: אִיזֶבֶל / אִיזָבֶל, Modern Izével / Izável Tiberian ʾÎzéḇel / ʾÎzāḇel) (fl. 9th century BCE) was a princess, identified in the Hebrew Book of Kings (1 Kings 16:31) as the daughter of Ethbaal, King of Sidon (Lebanon/Phoenicia) and the wife of Ahab, king of northern Israel.
According to the biblical accounts, Jezebel incited her husband King Ahab to abandon the worship of Yahweh and encourage worship of the deities Baal and Asherah instead. Jezebel persecuted the prophets of Yahweh, and fabricated false evidence of blasphemy against an innocent landowner who refused to sell his property to King Ahab, causing the landowner to be put to death. For these transgressions against the God and people of Israel, Jezebel met a gruesome death – thrown out of a window by members of her own court retinue, and the flesh of her corpse eaten by stray dogs.
Jezebel became associated with false prophets. In some interpretations, her dressing in finery and putting on makeup  led to the association of the use of cosmetics with “painted women” or prostitutes.
Through the centuries, the name Jezebel came to be associated with false prophets. By the early 20th century, it was also associated with fallen or abandoned women. In Christian lore, a comparison to Jezebel suggested that a person was a pagan or an apostate masquerading as a servant of God. By manipulation and/or seduction, she misled the saints of God into sins of idolatry and sexual immorality. In particular, Christians associated Jezebel with promiscuity. In modern usage, the name of Jezebel is sometimes used as a synonym for sexually promiscuous and/or controlling women, especially as a racist stereotype of Black women, the Jezebel stereotype.
In evangelical Christian circles, the “Jezebel spirit” is used to describe the curtailment of and resistance to activity regarded as prophetic by nature and to nominate a spiritual force behind individuals and groups which exercise manipulation, domination and control. “
And here’s another explanation of jezebel…according to me.
She was a strong, beautiful woman, who knew what she wanted. She loved her country and her own religion. Now I’m not sure how the church gets off throwing her name around like that…as an insult. But from what I understand, she was a Queen…born of royalty herself…and her husband was a pansy. :)