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what if …

so …

what if it was the case, that i was never designed to have an intimate relationship, whereby another, loved me to much that i was their entire world; and all they wanted to do was care for, about … me. like a parental relationship should be, but less, cos that’d just be creepy. and in all actuality, i don’t really have any clue (other than the summations i’ve concluded upon, which btw, i believe are pretty gangstah) what a positive sort of painting role looks like. most parents are huge fuck ups. think thats ok though, like theres a scale of fuck-up-ness: pedo parents – not cool … don’t let their kids watch tv parents – cool. so yeah … anyway … so what if i was never really really designed to have some kind of intimate relationship with another. what if, i was designed to be alone. not necessarily completely physically alone, but in the sense, that i’ll never share me with anyone else, physically, mentally or spiritually. and is anything, i’m just here to guide someone else to see their potential. and thats all its really all about. fucked up i know. but what if that whole pairing, relationship, ‘lets … stay together’ thing, is just a bunch of bullshit. see, i’m in fact wondering if any cunt can handle my jandal.

i don’t think so.


from pts(d) expression series #68 – Dec 26, 2016 @ 08:01

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pts(d) anxiety

Interesting thing racked up to a ‘learning  moment’ today.

I’m currently having one of those long moments, where I don’t want to go anywhere.

I try and sit with and decide whether it’s just a ‘today’ thing or I’m actually nervous about going outside.

Most of the time, it’s the latter.

And even if it is the former, that tends to be laden with guilt for some fucked up reason, which in turn turns it into the latter.

Either way, I’m usually to headfucked by both by the time I’ve tried to work it all out and then I’m physically too fucked to go anywhere or do anything.

Upon reading information regarding ‘social anxiety’ and generalised anxiety symptoms, I have, in all my infinite wisdom, decided that pts(d) anxiety, whilst similar, is most definitely different.

The interesting similarity though, is the fear of what is expected of us … real or imagined.

The slight difference with pts(d) anxiety, is those imagined fears, have at some point and time, been realities.

Whats my point?

I aint got one.

Suffice to say: Fuck anxiety in all of it’s forms.


from pts(d) expression series #70 – Dec 28, 2016 @ 08:01

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what does

did yah know that

sexual assault

or sexual violation,

whatever your feng shui;

does a number of things

to ones gig.

theres the physical act.

the physical results.

those scars can be permanent.

tearing.

bruising.

scarring.

a womb, that won’t bear children.

just to name a few.

then there’s the psychological

fuckery.

paranoia.

fear.

anxiety.

dreams: nightmares: night terrors,

potatoe – potato.

whatevs: bitches are bitches.

then there’s the sexual effects.

we are sexual beings.

sexual violation, is an offence of the sexual being.

the results:

flashbacks –

smell.

pain.

sight.

hearing.

taste.

to get it fucking twisted

a pts(d) fuck:

that those past violations

are present violations.

that they are re-lived

right here

right now,

even though you know with your head

they’re not now:

you body says otherwise.


from pts(d) expression series #75 – Jan 2, 2017 @ 08:03

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its an individual thing?

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SaveSaveOhhh yaas, she’s on a fucking roll today lol. That could have something to do with the beautiful rain that is hovering around … or maybe cos I have the day / night to myself and feel like I actually have room to breath for the first time in ages … could have something to do with actually listening to my gutt for the past 72 hours …

Whatever the fuck it is … I’m alright with it.

So, I was reading a fellow bloggers post yesterday … the guts of it was their unfolding of a horrific history, their way. And you know what, as horrific as it all is, there is something extremely gangstah about listening to the roar of someone elses truth … of hearing it rip the silence barrier from top to tail … it’s an earth shaking, spine tingling experience. And for their truth being told, I am grateful and feel honoured to have heard it!

It got Me thinking, as I do.

I have written, repeated and re-written the same old things … over and over again. I started tentatively … barely a squeak lol. And though, to some, it seemed like a roar – I know, for Me, it wasn’t my Whole voice. Just a whisper.

Profanity or swearing like a sailor, is second nature to Me. It is what I do. But I’ve realised it’s whats put some off my Blog, just as it has reeled in those who can relate or speak in a similar vein. Am I worried? Fuck No … those that have stayed and those that can relate, have become some of my closest compadres in this fucked up journey of ours ;)

But I’ve also reasoned with myself, that this is why people stay away. Not just on this platform, but in real human life lol.

Have I inadvertently done this on purpose to keep the fuckers away?

I hadn’t thought so … but maybe … and thats alright.

Those that have stayed around, in real life, are just a handful of some of the most beautiful people this world has spat out. And I wouldn’t change that either.

But following my original train of thought … I began wondering … why do we follow or trust the words of people who say they know something, because someone else says they’re right?

Make sense?

There are few peeps that have an original idea … their own ideas … and can roll with them, unchecked and unhindered by the criticisms of ‘others’.

If Martin Luther had’ve been a petrol pump attendant from Wellington, would anyone have listened?

If Hitler was a conservationist working with 10 kea in the outbacks of Mangaweka, would anyone have eventually voted the cunt in?

They were listened too … given a platform … followed … hailed … because they were listened too, given a platform and then a larger platform, followed and hailed as ‘the one who knew’.

Were they ever questioned by their peers? Ever held in check?

Good and bad … do they become what they are because a whole lot of like minded souls tag themselves into their posts? If they didn’t, they’d just be Susan from Christchurch who likes cats and drinks camomile tea on sundays and is trying too write a self help blog on the intricacies of pet hair and allergies.

There are so many voices in this world … and we give those voices importance or non-importance if you get my meaning.

But then we seem to think that We are unimportant if no-one hears us … likes us … follows us … quotes us and tags us into their extremely long facebook posts lol.

Whatever happened to following our gutt … doing our own thing … creating and loving and dancing to the beat of our own fucking drum without the ‘consent’ of anyone else?

I guess I’m prattling on about this, because I see so many blogs and people, come and go, (and I may end up being one of those ;) ) and get swallowed up in the figurative-ness of internet-ness lol. No-one hardly hears them. No-one seems to care. Well not unless someone ‘more important’ ‘gives’ them a hand up pfft …

Does that mean they’re all really un-important?

Nope.

Not at all.

In conclusion lol …

Heres to the little fuckers … whose blogs, whose voices, whose art … never gets seen, read, heard …

We all fucking matter!!!

Throw that shit out there: its important!!!

xo


from pts(d) expression series #76 – Jan 3, 2017 @ 08:03

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why am i letting it go?

Theres a time and place for everything … apparently. According to ‘the wise’, the bible, ancient scholars … important peeps – apparently.

But as I was pondering my shizz this arvo; and ruminating on shit I’d read in the last couple days … things I’ve learnt … things I’ve said … things I’ve Had to say … I came up with the above short liner – ‘a time and place for everything’ bullshit.

Not really understanding what the fuck that had to do with anything, I left it.

Till about 10 minutes ago.

You see …

I hold onto shit, because its mine and because some ancient white twat told me to let go of it.

And that sums up my lifes work really.

If you Tell Me I should do something, by fuck, I won’t do it.

If You suggest politely, that I might like to think about doing it ‘such-in-such’ a way, because it worked for You; by fuck, I won’t do it.

Why?

Because it’s not my choice.

You can’t manipulate Me into making Your choice. You can’t buy Me into making Your choice. And by fuck You can’t Make Me do what You think or want Me to do.

Why?

Because My choice was taken from Me too early and it shaped who I am now. Surprisingly, I don’t care.

Now as simplistic as that sounds is besides the point. Yes it may sound childish … because it fucken is. But when you fuck with a child, ‘normally’, they will show you their stubbornness – their ‘will’ – they will exercise their ‘choices’ … and thats how they learn.

But when you silence them … suffocate and rape them … all that freedom to choose bullshit goes out the window. For That child, it becomes a matter of survival.

Fast forward forty years and someone is suggesting I should forgive and let it all go … You: as well meaning as you might think you are … are just hindering my process.

I don’t let go and I don’t give a fuck if it kills Me.

Do you know how many near death events I have faced?

Can you comprehend what it feels like to be crushed under the weight of a fully grown man whose trying to gets his rocks off, and You are 1/8th of said mans size?

No.

Can you comprehend gagging and choking at the end of a giant dick, wondering if you can breath through your ears?

No?

That my friends,  is survival.

And letting that go is not about forgiveness, thats about making others feel comfortable that I have made peace with the whole fucking thing and we can move on to talking about your new car, or the recipe you got off’ve an ‘amazeballs’ website …

NOT letting go, for Me, is not about forgiveness or unforgiveness …

Not letting go, is about remembering how fucking gangstah I am.

How fucking ‘amazeballs’ that little girl was to learn to breath through her fucking ears!

Not letting go … for how ever long that is … is My choice; My remembrance and my fucking celebration of the sacrifices that little girl made so I can have breathe today.

In her darkness, and in her fucking suffering, I have life.

Why the fuck would I let that Go.


from pts(d) expression series #95 – Jan 22, 2017 @ 08:00

 

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photography .86

from pts(d) expression series #158 – Mar 26, 2017 @ 08:02

#mybeach #beautiful #nature #ocean #sea #tangaroa #ptsdview #photo #photograph #photography #photographer #kpm©


photography & art @kpm-artist 


 

should have read the instructions:

Apparently I should have not included so many tags

Apparently they should be reasonably accurate

Apparently I should blog between 7 and 8 am

on Tuesday

Apparently I should stick to the topic

Apparently I should be happy and positive

Apparently I should break up intenseness

With pretty pictures

Apparently I should not be too dark

Apparently if it is dark I should be funny too

Apparently I shouldn’t sound like

A personal diary

Apparently I should include sharing buttons

Apparently I should connect to social media sites

Apparently I should research my audience

And remain interesting

Apparently my stats are to indicate traffic

Apparently I can influence these stats and traffic

Apparently I can gain more followers

If I do the aforementioned

Apparently if I blog more I get more likes

Apparently if I get more likes I get more traffic

Apparently that gains more followers

To follow me.

Apparently.

Geezus:

Fuck that; thats way to much pressure for my little personage.

.

I write when I write

I write when I’m angry

I write when I’m upset

I write when I’m happy

I write when I’ve discovered something

I write when I feel like it

If it’s between 7 and 8 am

On Tuesday

Cool

If it’s not

Oh well.


#throwback and a Big LOL: Aug 28, 2015 @ 22:29 ;)


 

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beautiful people ~ marilyn manson

Beautiful People ~ Marilyn Manson, 1996

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art ~ #abstract

#painting #feels #abstract #art #abstract_art #whitewash #series #storytelling #colonialcritique #resisting #resistalways #resistance_art #kpm


For more photography and art go to @kpm-artist 


 

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artivism ~ #whitewash

This was a process I started in last years paintings, but I hadn’t quite grasped what I wanted to express with them … other than the obvious.

This year, the #whitewash theme has presented itself throughout my new series. It’ll be interesting to see how they all turn out.

Basically though the #whitewash theme is in response to what colonisation has done to the indigenous process, thought patterns, belief systems and way of being.

They are a challenge.

#resistance

First published May 30, 2017



#art #abstract #construct #abstractart #theprocess #artivism #activism #colonisation #whitewash #sexualassault #correlation #@theCrown #@theperp #macro #photography #canvas #concrete #acrylic #resisitanceart #kpm_artist