guess what else ..

i sat outside and read 2 chapters of my book.

IKR.


kpm©

after the displeasure of having to go in.to the shop .. groan.

thoughtings for today :

there’s a distinct lack of empathy or willingness to see things from another’s perspective or position. now I dunno if this is a worldwide phenomenon, but I’d hazard a guess at it being so.

so I’ve had ptsd longer than I’d care to mention. during the emerging of said disorder / illness, whatever the fuck yah wanna call it, I’ve learned how to manage it. Well, me, with it. now that hasn’t been a pretty picture.at.all. but I’ve done / am doing it anyway.

what I’ve noticed over the years is the aforementioned lack of empathy, but that aside, I’d come to believe that I don’t owe an explanation of what or who I am, & that to be misunderstood, goes with the package.

you see, I don’t need to be understood entirely, to be treated as a human being that deserves basic decency.

by decency, I mean fairness.

diversity & inclusion have made their way onto the tongues of many this year. & With good reason.

however .. isn’t it really a crock of shit?

inclusion of all would mean that we allow for all, not just the majority.

and this time I’m referring to those with disabilities. all disabilities.

when you go into any shop, is it immediately apparent that it supports the wellness of all it’s customers? ie : are all isles wide enough for wheelchair access? are lights able to be dimmed for those with visual impairments? is shelving arranged for easy access for all range of heights? are thier spaces calm enough for the anxiety ridden to gather their thoughts?

or is everything & everyone so rushed and hell bent on making a dollar that to be disabled is to be a customer service ‘issue’? 

quite literally, that isn’t inclusion.

getting a customer to wait while you check if someone can assist them, or telling them to come back when it’s not so crowded, or asking that they explain more than twice what it is they mean .. isn’t inclusion .

I get clarification .. but to be willfully ignorant after a disabled person has explained they are disabled and need assistance in a certain area or instance , is cruel.

It’s also stupid.

cos 9/10, they won’t be coming back to your service centre, shop, or whatever.


kpm©


so it is ..

Pretty much 44 years of yelling to be heard in one way or another.

guess what.

I got my justice.

I got heard.

Now what.

Cos in one way or another, ‘they’ don’t like the sound of my voice.

Not loud.

Not quiet.

Not mixed.

Not solo.

Preferable to be silent.

.

So does any amount of yelling or breaking silence, work? .. relieve the anxiety?

Or is this a different era we coming into.

.

Where silence is a choice.

How I move is a choice.

How I choose is a choice.

How I scream, how I yell, is a choice.

How I whisper, how I tell or retell , is all a choice.

My choice.

My flavour.

My decision or non decision.

Not anyone else or for anyone else.

Just me.

.

now thats some new shit ..


kpm©


avail.

the feeling of always having to be available .

always being open, available, learning , grinding , selling.

then move to other spaces to heal, recouperate, create ..

that makes no sense.

everything constantly having access to you.

also ..

the old ‘god breaks us to remake us’ bs.

whats with that???


kpm©


. . .

Nothing permanent
Nothing heavy
Nothing like loose ends
Nothing non purposeful

Cos then I’d be a permanent .. attached .. i can lose.

Oh lawd.

Impermanent leaves room for being wrecked .


kpm©


learning ..

I don’t have to learn or glean a life’s lesson. Or make it all into some righteous learning curb.
Don’t have to commodicise it or make money offve it.
I just gotta enjoy it .
Embrace it.
Love it.
Enjoy it.

& thats fucking hard enough to do .. geezus.


kpm©


access.

Ruminating on this for a long while but hadn’t quite put all the pieces together.
Watched a couple igtvs that resounded my internals and been reading similar shit for ages ..
Gist is ..
The only ‘body’ that should have complete access to me, in totality .. is Me.
Noone, nothing else.
Even a hoe gets paid.
Having complete access without consent is otherwisely called .. rape.

& letting that shit ruminate …


kpm©


choose.

Choices
knowing I have some. & the freedom to make them ..

is fucken huge.

im letting that shit breatheeeee.


kpm©


an.im.als.

mental health professionals love quoting animal euphemisms when recommending we adopt certain ‘healthy’ behaviours, like vulnerability. Since I know virtually nothing about animals, my question is : what 5 animals willing make themselves vulnerable to a predator or an environment, in order to learn a valuable lesson.

rhetorical question.


kpm©


i.

I don’t have to do anything.

not anything I don’t want to.

not anymore.
I don’t have to resign myself .
I don’t have to force myself.


I don’t have to be afraid for the fuck of it or for the greater proverbial good.


The only thing that matters is taking care of me and my safety.
physical.

mental.

spiritual .. me, my whole self.

Most importantly, my body.


She tired.
Tired of being afraid.


kpm©


quickie update-ish …

all sorts of fuckery and non-fuckery going on atm .. honestly looking forward to the ass end of the gregorian 2020, but am guessing the lessons learned-ded throughout, aren’t a one time event.

as much as i’d like to blame 2020 for all my ills & for the ills of the world, i cant.

like my stuff, the shit in the world has always been there, its just made its way to the surface. real fast!! & real hard!!

& that sums it all up really.

it feels like, well for me anyways, i was treading water & slowly finding my feet .. in a weird ass kinda way .. & then some cunt drained the water, replaced it with salt water & a quickly rising & dipping tide. & then … had some little cunt start throwing rocks from the embankment LOL.

funny, but not.

& thats been the groove all year.

pandemics & outright racism aside .. theres been some gobsmacking shit happening all around. i think my hardest reality though, has been realising that some of the those that i thought i knew quite well, have turned out to have less moral substance than they had portrayed. & as gut wrenching as that has been, its also been a huge fucken eye opener.

anyways ..

as im tapping this out, i’m aware i probably won’t get all the updates i want to get done, done .. cos yeah, im still abit limp in the brain area atm lol. but ..

i need to note .. that the shift i felt months ago .. the feeling like shit was changing .. that was unrecognisable & slightly uncomfortable but also felt like it was gonna be a good thing ..

yeah .. well its shifted.

& its good.

it is exactly more difficult than i had realised it would be but its good. a NEW good .. shit im completely not use too.

i feel like a have a different wave of confidence.

in myself .. & more importantly, in what ive come to learn about myself & the shit i’ve been through.

im still weighing it all up. slowly. cos slow is what i do now lol.

until i’m kinda more clear, i’ll keep posting my intermittent updates & a few random pieces that i need to relieve myself of lol.

& finish with ..

we only got one life.

there are no do-overs.

dont waste time with meaningless worthless BS.



kpm©


.. …

what happens when you stop punishing yourself.


kpm©


 

its aight ..

hear me :

by turning or weaponising any attempt at intimacy, as me being some dirty lil whore.

means you aint no different than everyone else. anyones whose attempted that. anyways.

although i feel strangely embarrassed and humiliated. which feels weird.

also unheard & misunderstood, again,  but then kinda meh ..

it aint nothing new.

that there has been so many who have taken the time to try and make me feel diminished, so as to make themselves feel better.

is tiring.

but to laugh, or make light of, my wound … on my trauma.

my gapping but healing wound ..

my, try every day to manage my reality, wound ..

is beyond what I imagined it would feel like.  does &  did , feel like.

youre not the first to dismiss, to try and minimise what you believe to be the issue.

youre not the first to try and validate your disdain and disapproval masked as disappointment. youre not the first with the inability to be truthful, fully.

& youre not the first to stomp your foot at my boundaries.

.

you are the last though.

.

& today im gonna rest.

.

& you can go fuck yo’self.


kpm©


 

thought-tings

if i’ve survived 32 years of trauma ..

if i’ve run more times than i’ve rested ..

if i’ve acted in response to threat ..

if i’ve resisted everything, to breathe ..

do yah think i’m entitled to have a decades rest & recuperation ..

i think so.

thankyou very muchly.


kpm©


nope ..

Don’t just trust them. 

Remain with the back up plan.

& always, get receipts


kpm©


cos ..

Sometimes I feel so fucken fragile it fucks me right off.

Like whhhy.

Why can’t I just be solid all the fucken time.

Yeah yeah ..

Rhetorical question.


kpm©


 

Video

girl on fire ~ alicia keys

girl on fire ~ alicia keys, 2012

angry

today i was told i was ‘too angry’.

pfft.

.

ever wondered why?

.


kpm©


 

. .

hold onto everything loosely.


kpm©


 

johanna

been thinking a lot about my blogging friend Johanna.

i reckon, with all thats happening in the world right now, she woulda been right up in that grill, fist in the air, screaming for freedom.

I remember the first time i had a slightly heated, possible ‘disagreement’ with her in this realm lol. it was something i came appreciate deeply .. that she was never afraid of stating her perspective & listening to that of another.

on this particular occasion, she’d been to walmart i think it was (we dont have that here .. but a few crass equivalents lol) & she had been treated deploringly. she’d rounded off by stating that there was a prevalent ableist & ageist attitude which she had experienced there .. not the first time .. & was bound, to not be the last.

my rebuttal as such, was more out of offence for her, for having been treated that way. i came back with my usually .. ‘fuck walmart & make sure ‘we’ dont support them’.

as an activist, this is a powerful tool to wield.

however, i was surprised (at first) at her comeback. she quite abruptly noted that the ‘poor’ sometimes didn’t have the luxury of making a knee jerk reaction like that.

she broke it down thusly :

she lived in a small complex, it was cheap & generally unmaintained by the landlord. she had fought hard to find this place & while she was quite happy to take her landlord on, she was aware that her options, if she should be ejected from the property, were extremely limited .. actually NIL.

so from where she lived there were a handful of shops she could purchase her essentials from, walmart being one of them. out of those handful of shops, there were 2 she could afford to shop at. again, walmart being one of them.

i came back with the shopping online rhetoric (god, i cringe now ..) .. & she noted that her internet, as it was, was limited.

then she went into receiving ‘disability’ payments (as such) & what that looked like & that spending copious amounts of time and money on internet connections weren’t an option.

i came back with going to a library or mcdonalds where the wifi was free .. *eye ball roll* .. she came back with her limited mobility.

sweet geezus ..

we went back and forth like that for quite awhile.

from my end, i was trying to give options i thought she may not have thought of & aim for the whole empowerment gig. she, in all her aged wisdom, kept coming back, not with, negatives per se, but realities. & realities that i fucking completely understood.

in hindsight, i get now, she was trying to school my ass, gently. that while the ‘fuck the power’ part of me wasnt wrong, & was definitely passionate, & based in my own struggle .. i wasnt hearing her in her entirety. that her lived reality was more than 6 steps to freedom.

i think of this interaction often at the moment.

i’m well aware that my normal looks nothing like ‘most’, that my struggles are misunderstood by most, that my ‘working it out’ also looks way different than most.

and thats ok.

but for those that i love .. that are learning .. that are actually trying to understand .. i need to be a little more patient with them.

like she was with me.

i miss her.


kpm©