randoms :

thoughts that is.

its been nearly a week since i’ve taken up residence in my new whare. & holy shiet .. its what expected & what i didn’t expect.

for example:

i’m currently sitting in my favourite chair, staring out the window / sliding door, & i can see the sun setting. i can see the clouds moving across the sky & i can hear the roar of the waves & tawhirimatea (wind god) blowing around the house. the house is light .. by sight & by ‘feel’ .. its .. beautiful.

& i can smell, nothing. no damp. no mould. no dust. nothing.

my senses are freaking out (goodly) @ nothing. its kind of hard to explain. but every now & then it feels way overwhelming, but in a good way. & that just doesnt make a bit of sense to me lol.

i’m taking it in. enjoying. mellowing.

every now and then i can feel anxiety reaching for my toes, my legs, my chest .. & then it dissipates. i like that.

whats strangest of all sensations .. is i feel safe here. safer than i think i have ever felt in my entire life. & i know thats not just the environment.

its me.


i’m changing.

& i like it.

kpm ©



fuck you panic.

& as I was re-reading (2018), I realised just how long this feeling has been present … nearly 19 months, and I’m only just starting to get a slight grip on it.

I think that somewhere in here, it got too overwhelming and I did the ‘shut down’, and have possibly been slightly … actually abit more than slightly … devoid of emotion.

It’s been a hard fight to even stay slightly balanced. But I think the more I’ve ignored whatevers going on, the worse I’ve gotten.

I’ve taken to listening a bit more intently to my feng shui of late, and even though its fucking uncomfortable, it aint nothing compared to this fuckery.

Not sure whats going on in head … body … world … I feel anxious, but don’t really understand why. Theres no apparent reason … oh other than feeling like crap. And thats been going on for awhile now … my body is doing funky things I mean. My head hurts … my guts hurts … my body hurts … my whole personage feels dizzy and uneasy … and I feel like I’m moaning my ass off for no apparent reason … other than everything hurts … and I don’t know why.

And the ‘whys’ … is thats whats causing this overwhelming anxious nauseating feeling? Is that dread? Good old fear again?

Whatever it is, its starting to fuck me off cos its messing with my feng shui again. I went to our local shop the other day, just for something small … and panicked when I got to the counter. Now that hasn’t happened for bloody ages! I ended up gaping it and leaving my partner to do the rest. I took off outside and tried breathing deeply etc but by that time everything was starting to spin and everything got loud … it freaked me out … like I said, it hasn’t happened like that, for a long time … not here anyway … not in my own backyard! I get the car … in the city etc … but here has felt kinda safe for along while now and I don’t like it being fucked with … This took me 2 days to ‘come down’ from. Fark … not cool.

Whats going on Me? ….

kpm ©