changing the feels for 2019.

i haven’t done ‘new years resolutions’ for like, forever. too much pressure & as far as i’m concerned a waste of time. if you can’t do shit off’ve your own steam during a year, why on earth do you think a new day & a new year is gonna change it?

fyi: it aint. mind due, thats not based on any scientific research however i’d love to see the stats if any exist ;)

for me though: next year is an ‘on purpose’ change of ‘feels’.

i’ve decided to do things a little different next year.

on top of the agenda: do away with the gregorian calendar.

i hardly do anything on it anyways; but i want to learn more about our natural cycles & how my ancestors did shit. they managed to make their way to this land by following the stars which IMO was way more accurate not to mention, way more gangstah than that colombus idiot who didn’t seem to know which way he was going!

so, gregorian calendar – gone. the beauty of apple & its apps … i was able to bring up all the holidays / days of remembrance / schedules, & then re work what i wanted too & do away with the rest. gone is christmas, having been replaced with a ‘family day’ & appropriate ‘self management’ days, before & after. gone is easter, labour day, queens birthday, halloween & guy fawkes. instead i’ll be acknowledging ANZAC as a day of remembrance for my grandfather … all he was exposed too & came home with; all his family sacrificed & the strength he utilised to live a full & productive life. the only land / country holiday, as such, i’ll be ‘doing’ is waitangi day & i’ve added in our ‘independence day’ which was 5 years prior to waitangi. both days will, for me, be about protest, learning & teaching; because until my entire family are decolonised then my job here isn’t done.

i’ve replaced halloween with Día de los Muertos, because for me, its important to remember those that went before us & not in the pakeha sense of it all. i want a day where we remember the babies we’ve lost, our grandparents, friends … & i want their stories told. this day of remembrance, does that for me. 2019 will be the first time i’ve observed this officially: unofficially though, i’ve been doing this for years.

i’ll observe the gregorian new year as a ‘turn over’, but i’ll be concentrating on our matariki, which is in the month June by the gregorian calendar. this, according to our ancestors, marks the change of season & the star formation that appears in the sky once a year. i haven’t really ‘done’ matariki so 2019 will be a learning curb here too.

other than that, moko & familia birthdays will be celebrated as usual :)

i’ve added in self care & self management days so i can add to what i’ve been learning this year … that that shit takes its toll on me & i need to remember to look after myself before, during & after.

as far as ‘goals’ go, i’m going to work on ‘holding my space’. which will require me to be more ‘present’ & ‘in my body’ … arrghhh … thats a giant head fuck for me so i’m not adding much more to my ‘to-do’ list.

& as far as art goes – i’ll concentrate on photography.

the highlight of this year was making it through it !! lol … as lame as it sounds, i’m still super stoked with all that i managed this year. super duper stoked!

so as you all go about rounding off you’re year … stay safe … have fun … & a giant ThankYou for hanging around for the sometimes, extremely tumultuous ride!!!

love & light peeps!! x

*  i’ll leave you with photos from our article in the newspaper featuring yours truly, my mama & brother & our recent artistic accomplishments ;) *




update: the occupational assessor person slash meeting.

she wasn’t quite what i expected and that was good.

but the point of this update is to brag about how fucken awesome i did prior too, throughout and after the assessment.

back story: cos i don’t think i’ve given an explanation …

AC fucken C’s process includes an occupational assessment. long story short: if i went back to work tomorrow, what kind of job could i do.

no where in that story is there room for the fact that i can’t leave the house with the ease i use too, can’t drive, can’t do people with ease, don’t do talking or social situations, can’t do bright lights or loud noises … oh, or have pts(d) … the ‘injury’ that they cover for.


so, after being contacted by this woman a couple of weeks ago, freaking out and then getting my head round it all, i emailed her, let her know my situation and we arranged for her to come to me. i also arranged that any long winded questions be done by email so that i have time to answer without it being to taxing on me feng shui.

she was obliging and understanding.

so when she came, which was yesterday, our ‘appointment’ was 30 minutes long instead of the possible 2 hours long. she was quick and precise and exactly what i was able to handle.

prior to her coming here on the day, i did nice calming shit … good coffee, relaxing music … and made sure i was comfortable in every way. i asked the partner to stay home so he could just be around if i needed him, not in the meeting itself. and he did.

a half hour before she got here i could feel the anxiety building, so i swapped out the music for something more ‘lively’ lol, and got all the things that i would usually take with me in the car. i had my orange, and antihistamines, water, music, ear plugs, head phones, anti anxiety meds … i made sure i sat on the floor in ‘my spot’ and had the fan going.

i wasn’t overly pleasant but i wasn’t rude lol, so that was a win … for her ;)

after the meeting was done, i felt physically exhausted but i knew i was alright. i made sure i did something nice for me (chocolate lol) and took it easy for the rest of the afternoon.

and it all worked.

i was fucken stoked!

i was proud of me :)

if i can replicate this process for other appointments, engagements, meetings etc, the world is my oyster! lol … okay, slow down there champ … lol

yah get my drift though.

it feels like progress. huge progress. and i am good with that!

kpm ©



sooo … I be slowing down a little bit …


It’s blogging suicide really, but oh well …

So, just a heads up lovely peoples …

I’m gonna take a week off’ve the blog next week so I can remedy my ‘storage’ solution. I am just about at my limit re space and because I refuse to pay for anything that I can potentially get for nothing … yes, thats right … I’m going to follow the advice of a blogging acquaintance and get that shit sorted ‘quick and dirty’ style lol.

And all it will cost Me is some patience … hmmm lol.

Also, June, July and August are notoriously busy months for Us … June has about 10 family birthdays, July a couple and August has about 4. The change this year of course, is the arrival of Moko 6 in August … Yah.

This year I’ve been trying to do what is in my best interests – within my boundaries – within my ‘lets not lose my shit’ sphere. I started off the year with a small list of goals and so far I’m doing alright and have even managed to do stuff not on my hit list ;) so I’m feeling pretty good about that.

However, my inclination, when shit is going well, is to then go completely OTT and fuck myself over.

This year … I’m working on Not doing that.

So after my week of sorting out storage issues, the following 3 months will be slightly sporadic.

Now I’m not very good at sporadic so this should be interesting.

I’m making No promises about how many posts I’ll do per day (yes, even the ones that I do do every day eeekkk), or even per week. I will catch up and blow my own trumpet every now and then when I think I’ve done something amazing or one of my mokos has done something amazing lol.

I’ll be around … just Not consistently around … eeekkkk again.

So, love and light to you all …



*buckling up for the next 3 month ride … yee hah lol*

kpm ©



yesterdays self soothing shit …

After the previous days fuckery, I decided to do some serious self soothing … in a previous life that would have been a bottle of bourbon and night out stirring shit up …

But being all Zen-ny and shit now ;) I Hi-Fived the fuck out of myself most of the day and made sure every little thing I did, made me smile … every little thing … and I documented that shit with a tonne of photos … why? So I can remember!!! xoxox

The day started with me getting ditched without any acknowledgement of the day before … sweet as cunt … you’ll keep – Self soothing shit tis what I’m about today … and breath …

I did the biggest pot of freshly ground coffee I could brew and let that stew on the stove most of the day … Theres nothing like freshly ground Coffee … hmmmm

I caught up with my Blogs for most of the morning … in the sun … I perused my photos from the day before … heres one:


And another:


Remembering that my aim was ‘distraction’ at the time, not quality LOL. *HiFuckin5Me;)

Lunch time was a non event – I’m not a great lover of lunch … instead I curled up on the deck chair outside and had a nap in the sun :)


Must of been out there for an hour or so … I enjoyed that :)

*HiFuckin5Me;)       – I slept – alone – in the open :)

When I woke up I decided to go to the Beach. I haven’t been down there since my sister died and we waved goodbye … So with stick in had and some music, I detoured to the Cafe first for this bad boy:


1 Macchiato :)

It was an extremely slow and leisurely stroll to the Beach … nice … no hurry and I enjoyed the sun :) Found my posey, dug my toes in the sand and parked up with coffee and biscuit :




Had a few tears … good tears … a few smiles too and generally just soaked all that loveliness in …

This little guy made for abit of amusement ;) He wanted my biscuit … which I did share .. and apparently it wasn’t up to his standard or taste LOL fussy bastard …


I took the long way home … nice and slow … and put my dinner on when I got back. Then proceeded to indulge in all my favourite movies, starting with this:

Source: Watch Rise of the Guardians Online Free Putlocker | Putlocker – Watch Movies Online Free

Followed closely by ‘Petes Dragon’ and then ‘DeadPool’ … lol slightly eclectic I know, but thats Me … and they all made me smile.

I was by myself for dinner, again, but figured that meant I got to pick all the best parts of the roast chicken and I wouldn’t have to share any of it :) and thats what I did … and sat outside in the last of the days sunshine and soaked some more of that goodness up …


So, once again, heres to Me … *HiFuckin5Me;)

I enjoyed my day …

I realised a couple major things throughout this day: ‘Real’ life seems really quite trivial and mundane when you’ve been in a dark room being tortured for a good part of your existence … and when the cage gets opened up, you remain in there because its seems safer than all the ‘unknowns’. But ‘real’ life also passes you by because the ‘inside ache’ distracts from any and all beauty there might be to find.

Well today … I found beauty.

And loved it.

And I think I’m pretty fucking gangster … :)

So, *HiFuckin5Me;) again …


kpm ©



living it?

The goal is to get to living…


I went back to the dam restaurant…you know, the one I bailed on with a 8 point something on the panic attack Richter scale…yeah, well I went back…And this time I ordered a hu-mungeous coffee…to have in…and I stayed! And I enjoyed my coffee!! And no panic attack…a couple of anxiety ‘flutters’ but that’s it.


I went for a L O N G walk…not a token walk….down this…

my beach

my beach

which was also bloody awesome!


I finally went and got my blood tests done…not so awesome…but I did it! Had a  possible 2.5 panic attack…but lived to tell the tale! And asked for a lollipop for my troubles.


I went to see the shrink…at the shrinks office…In town! 3.5 on the scale…but once again…lived to tell the tale!


Went to see the moko babies :) and their parents…At their house :) They’re so beautiful.


Hung out and made sand castles with moko midget and her mama…

:) :)

Btw – she didn’t like the sand at first but she got used to it.

– moko can walk now :)


I went into a shop I hadn’t been in for about 3 years…and I bought shit! (Not literally…I actually bought organic toothpaste and coconut oil lol)


Last but certainly not to be the least….

I took care of ME :)

kpm ©



note to self

Re: self care for Me

Being therapeutic, cathartic, soul searchy and shit….is fucken draining.

Take the day off tomorrow,  eat chocolate, drink your favourite coffee and go hang out with your family.

That is an order.