add on from ‘experimentation de-fuckery’:

just a quick(ish) follow on from the last post

for those that don’t know, me & pts(d) included some rather fuck-tional symptoms – otherwise known as ‘triggers’ but fuck i hate that word.

theres all the usual garb that goes hand in hand with pts(d): flashbacks, nightmares/terrors, panic fucks & anxiety.

i’ve subdivided those noting that the anxiety (social & otherwise) stem from flashbacks or more importantly, the fear of having flashbacks.

flashbacks happen all day everyday & are usually (for me) set off strongly by 2 major things: sound & smell.

i’ve managed to slightly combat the sound thing with the gangstah earplugs & sound reducing headphones & music. sometimes it works, sometimes it irritates everything. i just try it & hope for the best.

the smell thing … well thats a hard one. everything & everyone has a certain smell about them. put me in a room i dont know with more than 2 people & its kinda been a recipe for disaster.

because smell just is, & just happens, you can’t really minimise it or even prepare for it. & as i’ve plodded along, i’ve figured out there are certain smells that being on the mega flashbacks. the ones associated with smell, seem to be the deepest & the worst.

i figured out along time ago that sniffing something that’s ‘nice’, like an orange, reduces the initial anxiety, kind of like a distraction i suppose; but neutralising intrusive smells is near impossible.

my little orange concoction, i hope, will aid with the distraction & neutralise the intrusiveness of certain smells.

will it completely get rid of flashbacks?


but i’m hoping it’ll help slow down the process from initial smell, to flashback to panic fuck.

well thats the goal anyways.

kpm ©


experimentation: de-fuckery

for like, ages … i been working on my own concoction of shizz, to inhale, apply, drink etc etc, to elevate pts(d) symptoms.

i’m fucking clever like that ;)

well, actuals, i’m used to being low on resources & refuse to roll over & play dead … just yet.

sooo …

i have super duper ear plugs, imported from the old land of the anglais & they are gangstah AF. for me, they block out 80-90% of excess noise. which means theres just the loud noises that can be heard & i combat that with headphones and music. & still my spidey hearing can hear shit above all that … but this collaboration minimises a lot of the fuckery that goes with super sensitive hearing.

then theres the dark glasses. i have 3 pairs that i rotate depending on the ‘brightness’ of the day. today i utilised the ‘medium strength’ model ;)

the thing that i have been unable to combat adequately, is my sensitivity to smells. i usually carry an orange with me & if i get ‘triggered’, i scrape the skin & sniff the peel. however … sometimes thats just not practical.

i’ve researched smell dullers, snout blockers etc etc & come up with nudah. & i been doing this for a few years now.

i had figured that if i could get the orange smell up my snout before i leave the house, i might be able to minimise the effects of unwanted smell triggers, before they happen!

so i came up with 2 concoctions – the first is a sweet orange essential oil in vaseline, & the second is the same essential oil, but in coconut oil. IKR!!!

‘scuse the shitty photo – my little phone is shit & the batteries have fucked out in my camera … any who …

this morning i took the vaseline one for a test drive, well, walk actually. … all the way to the shop.

guess what.

the fucker worked!!!!

yes my compadres, it worked! halle-fucking-lujah!!

i could still smell everything but the orange smell kinda neutralises it somehow. whatevs … it did the trick which meant i wasnt peaking out on intrusive smells!


so guess who was pretty fucking pleased with herself by the time she got back??

#me :)

kpm ©



night walking, for me:

there’s no prep involved. it’s calm. cold. easy. refreshing.

even though the supposed sooth-sayers say it’s too dangerous for a ‘woman’ to be doing this.

tell yah whats dangerous honey: is having to listen to you speaking for far too fucking long!

stay in your lane bitch.

kpm ©


just a little push …

well i thought it was a good idea … not that it was a bad idea per se …

sunday, cos i ‘couldn’t’ go to moko #9s gig, i decided not to sulk about it, & instead, try my feng shui @ a local ‘market day’. i used to love these things back in the day but havent been to one in like for-ages, for all the usual pts(d)-y reasons *insert eye ball roll* …

wait, i lie: i went to one with my daughter about 4 years ago, out here … & it was aight. but i didnt fully understand what i was dealing with really. i thought i’d be able to do it once, yah know “get over the initial fear” & shit would be cruisy from there on in …

fuuuuuccccccck No.

thats definitely not how this shit works; & if i ever get around to writing a manual on this shit, that piece of sound advice will be in the top ten ‘what to expect now’ …

anyway …

off to the sunday market i went. all the usual garb in tow, but feeing slightly nervous. or so i thought …

and …

i shoulda stopped myself there.

but i’m still one hell of a stubborn motherfucker. ’nuff said .. yes, i ignored Me, & i went …

soooooo, completely forgot that these markety things have people selling shit @ them. *note : i dont like being sold shit … yes, insert another eye ball roll*.

& because this was an ‘organic’ sort of market (well that was the pitch), there was smelly shit for miles. i’m not sure why peeps equate ‘organic’ with soap, candles & wax products … but that seemed to be all that there was there. really really nice … If You Dont Have An Above Average Sense Of Smell!


& it all went down hill from there.

i tried.

but by the 3rd stall my head was aching, i was sneezing, my eyes had puffed up & then i started coughing.


time to retreat.

4 hours later, antihistamines galore & a few other goodies thrown in there … the swelling started to come down & the headache started to subside.

am i pleased i went? & at least ‘gave it a go’? ummmmm

i’m not sure.

i think i shoulda listened to my gutt & realised it wasnt my nerves freaking out; it was my intuition.

“stay home bitch”

next time i’ll listen … hopefully.


oh … upside … i bought an ‘organic’ toothbrush !

*insert yet another eye ball roll*

kpm ©



the ear plug update:

Bit of a shitty ass photo (taken on my shitty ass phone lol) … but these puppies finally arrived!!

I am still undecided as to whether they live up to their claim to ‘blocking sound’, but they are definitely more comfortable, I think because they’re smaller, than those ugly foamy things.

The next phase of this whole sound proofing Me will be noise minimising head phones that can go over these and that I can play music through … while my little recycled headphones work pretty good at home when I’m desperate … they are really heavy to wear for long periods of time.

Fussy? Mabes .. .but hey it’s all trial and era ;)

kpm © : ig @kpm-artist


ear plug update:

Yep, they semi-worked good.

Not as good as the drugs though.


kpm ©



remember the headphone conundrum???

Hearing sensitivity 101 …

  • when shits loud to you, its super duper loud to Me
  • when shit gets stressful, that super duper loud gets turned up a notch
  • add a sprinkling of menopause, and it goes up a couple more notches
  • place a big fat dollop of anxiety and pts(d) panic fuck on top of that …. and it goes up by another 10 notches.

I think I’ve described it like fingernails on a chalk board, times 100 and that could only slightly compare to the discomfort and anxiety fuck that is a hearing sensitivity.

Add the pts(d) in and it’s like NOT being able to see, hear and speak all in a moment.

I figured noise cancelling headphones would lessen that whole scenario from happening. Awesome!

Fuck off! Turns out the bastards that would work for Me are somewhere north of $800 in price … which is cool … if I had an income!

Sooooo ….

I solved it by my own brown self …

Someone gave Me a pair of sleep phones … which by the way are shit for sleeping in and Do Not, I repeat, Do Not cancel out noise! … So I took those and my trusty run down Sony headphones, sorta kinda combined the 2, doubled the padding in the headphone bit and came out with these beauties.

Now compared to the industrial headgear for mowing lawns in … these work 90% better … in my learned hearing opinion anyways! Once I completely seal the sides I should have myself a nearly 100% sound fucking proof situation going on!!

Fuck I’m Neat ;)

kpm ©



conversation to self

Its been a couple of brilliant days, full on days. Trying to keep to my therapeutic (Blah blah) schedule ;)

I managed a slow walk to the beach, beepers and stick in hand, music for my ears. I got there, enjoyed the sand and sun, even a couple of strangers strolling by didn’t seem to bother me too much. Nice I thought :)

Heading off home…the heart started to speed up and the vision started going abit blurry – tried really hard to notice what was changing in my thoughts…head. Noticed I had sped up…I obviously wanted to get home and was finished with all the wonderful sightseeing, therapeutic bullshit…I was over it…really. So instead of speeding up more…which is what I usually do…freaking myself out in the process…I slowed down, breathed slower. Then stopped. Had a little chat to myself..which went abit like…

“righteo dick…if you speed up your gonna set yourself into a panic…you cant make this walk any shorter unless you’ve turned into a super fit athlete overnight and didn’t fill me in on it? No…so you are gonna have to slow down…if you happen to pass out I’m pretty sure someone will pick you up…you won’t be out here too long…but if you slow down, breath….you might just actually enjoy what’s around you…stop squinting at everything, your making it worse…focus on one thing…breath then move on to the next…we’ll do that the whole way home…right…lets go”


I got home, in one piece, took a nice little triumphant selfie and posted it on my fb page ;)



the unpredictable

surprises…I hate them..the unknown and unpredictable…no place to stop…to be safe…to be alone…then I feel trapped. Restricted. Suffocated. Unable to move or make a noise. Can’t breath…hate that…I panic instead. Waiting to pass out. It hurts. My chest. My stomach. My head. I feel like a trapped animal looks. My ears hurt. My shoulders hurt.

My head hurts.