Sooooo. .

Guess what.
.
I realised the other night, that I actually enjoy bedtime.
.
Right. I know most enjoy it .. but I have never ever not ever.
.
Never.
.
Why.
.
Aside from the nightmares that had plagued me forever.. sleep is the ultimate vulnerability.
.
Yup. Let that soak.
.
So becoming aware of the fact that I actually enjoy, not just being a little ok, but enjoy, look forward too .. bed and sleep. .
.
Is fuck ing A Maze ing 
.
That’s it.
.


kpm©

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well that was a shit sleep …

Not that it wasn’t a ‘lights out’ sleep … cos sedatives will do that to yah!

But what I realised this morning was I was as tense as fuck. My muscles, or lack of them, were tight, like I’d been for a 5 mile hike, up-hill, non-stop. Not that I actually know what that feels like per se, but I imagine that it’d feel like I did this morning.

Now I’m used to waking up sweating or crying or being jolted awake from hideous ass dreams and feeling like someones shoved a hot poker into my chest … yeah … thats kinda normal for Me. And generally I roll with it …

But this morning I don’t remember having any nightmares – mind due that could be due to the drug induced coma I’ve been putting myself into of late – I just felt tense as fuck.

The run on thought from that was that is exactly what I’ve been feeling like for weeks …

That is also what I used to feel like all the time.

A. Kudos I’ve had a lull in that fuckery

B. How do I get back to the non-tense Me?

My guess is my pts(d) senses are on overdrive for some unknown reason … but generally they’re not wrong … or they’re still spiking and I haven’t figured out the starting point and the Why.

So I’ll let that one settle for the next few days … trying to be aware of what the fuck is going on in my insides … My guess is though … ewww … here we go:

it probably has something to do with the flashback I had a few months ago … the one where I couldn’t breathe. Literally. I could feel weight on my personage and it was overwhelming, frightening and heavy. I let it simmer … knowing it’d make it’s way to the surface eventually.

I think ‘eventually’ has arrived.

At night I can ‘see’ an outline of a large figure standing in my way. Everywhere I turn, there he is. Just out of reach but close enough to smell and ‘feel’.

And … It’s no fucking wonder I’ve been petrified of everything lately …

FML.

Anyway … in all that conundrum, I’ve been trying to find noise cancelling ear muffs to counteract the noise sensitivity.

I found these fuckers:

Turns out they are way out of my price range, so it’s back to finding what I can do with what I have.

This little combo (industrial ear muffs and ear plugs) doesn’t cancel out all noise but muffles it to about 85% – thats my best guess-ta-mation anyways.

The ‘issue’ is that this combo completely and utterly magnifies ‘echoes’; as in, I can hear my heart beat ultra loudly; I can hear my footsteps ultra loudly; any tapping on the side of the ear muffs themselves, produces a hideous echo right throughout my ear drums and down my spine.

Yeah, so thats that.

Then theres this combo:

My trusty headphones (not noise cancelling and falling to bits slowly), music and earplugs.

Now with the sound on ‘medium’, which is my comfortable … I can still hear everything going on around Me, but slightly muffled. If I hit the side of the headphones they echo slightly but not as much as the ear muffs.

So the latter is my choice of ‘ear wear’ for now until I can find something else.

My hope is that if I can lessen the ‘din’ that is going on, I can lessen abit of the muscle tightening anxiety … because honestly, I’m gonna run out of sedatives at this rate.

And this is the day that is a pts(d) fuck.


kpm ©


 

emdr eureka

Well, I’ve been a bit sceptical of the whole EMDR thing, but I’m pretty much down for giving anything a try…which I’ve been doing.

The shrink reckons that the ‘changes’ will be subtle and barely noticed at first…’Oh okay’…is what I’m thinking…

But I roll with it….because…well because what other fucking options do I have?

Now I’m usually pretty aware of the cognitive changes that I have…and aware when my physical being is slightly ‘tweaked out’…and I know when there’s been a ‘shift’ in my spirit or soul…we say ‘wairua’.

I have always had difficulty ‘feeling’ any of these states of changes…but I’ve always been mentally aware of them. Disassociation I guess, is what has inhibited those ‘awareness-es’ in their entirety. However, a wise lady once told me that ‘we’…our holistic beings…deal with certain things, as they should be dealt with…in their own time. That there is no right or wrong as such…there is no stuck or stopped unless we chose that.

So any and all progress that my being has made…is all in its good time I spose.

Anyway…after that long thought…

I woke up this morning thinking I was tired…because I’m always tired; well to varying degrees anyway. I stumbled off to make coffee and do the usual blah de blah routine.

A couple hours later…eureka!

I realised with a quick finger count/calculation…that I had slept 6 hours! Yes that’s right – 6 god dam hours!

I haven’t really been paying attention…I was trying trying trying to cut down on the Zopiclone…as I have been doing for aaagggeees…and high fived myself at making it to 1/4 zoppy. But then kinda funked out when I couldn’t get below that.

Then somewhere in the last few weeks I decided to ‘give up’ and just roll with it, and I haven’t been to bed before 2am most nights.

BUT…I hadn’t been counting the hours that I actually slept. SO…for the last week or two, while I’ve been going to bed at 2 am ish…I’ve also been sleeping 6 solid hours before waking up!!! I don’t think I’ve ever consistently slept that long before, ever…and on only 1/4 zoppy.

So…I think it’s slowly working. I still don’t think its all on the EMDR, but I do think it’s collaboratively working.

I think I can live with 6 hours sleep a night!

Now to eliminate the zoppy altogether!! Ahhhh…now that makes me nervous…but pretty sure this last bit is just mind over matter…

Rock on with my bad self ;)


kpm ©


 

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bright moon insomnia.

sometimes when i can’t sleep, i spend ages getting annoyed about trying to get to sleep then more annoyed because i’m not asleep.

but i’m learning slowly, that its ok to be as i am.

awake or trying to sleep.

it doesn’t really matter.

the other night i went outside, after waking up in a sweaty, shaking mess. i sat there for awhile, trying to ‘re-ground’, or re-orientate myself.

then i noticed the light. it was so bright for such a late hour. finally, looking up, i saw the biggest, brightest moon i think i’ve ever seen, or at least, noticed. and it was beautiful!

then it occurred to my brilliant self, that if i had’ve been asleep -or pissed cos i couldn’t go to sleep – i never would have seen this!

today i am grateful for not being able to sleep.


ig @kpm-artist