Guess what.
.
I realised the other night, that I actually enjoy bedtime.
.
Right. I know most enjoy it .. but I have never ever not ever.
.
Never.
.
Why.
.
Aside from the nightmares that had plagued me forever.. sleep is the ultimate vulnerability.
.
Yup. Let that soak.
.
So becoming aware of the fact that I actually enjoy, not just being a little ok, but enjoy, look forward too .. bed and sleep. .
.
Is fuck ing A Maze ing
.
That’s it.
.
kpm©
It’s grief
Deep ass grief
Fuck
What wasn’t
What I know could have been
But wasn’t
It’s not bitterness
It’s just loss
Loss and grief
And as I come to an end
As we all do
I can feel, not regret
Just grief
It’s been a long long long
Ass road
Long ass
kpm©
fyi .. the world hasn’t just recently turned into a shit fest ..
it’s always been that way.
just the skids are showing now 🙄
& still cunts wanna put glitter on it & call it ‘content’.
fuck me. it’s some bullshit alright.
kpm©
When did it become ok, to say , sorry I can’t be there , I have to work. .. but it not be ok to say, sorry I can’t be there.
kpm©
ive spent 10 years trying to figure out ptsd, anxiety, stress & how to manage those fuckers.
it’s all been unsure.
it’s all been random and scary.
pretty much 2020 in a nutshell.
kpm©
all sorts of fuckery and non-fuckery going on atm .. honestly looking forward to the ass end of the gregorian 2020, but am guessing the lessons learned-ded throughout, aren’t a one time event.
as much as i’d like to blame 2020 for all my ills & for the ills of the world, i cant.
like my stuff, the shit in the world has always been there, its just made its way to the surface. real fast!! & real hard!!
& that sums it all up really.
it feels like, well for me anyways, i was treading water & slowly finding my feet .. in a weird ass kinda way .. & then some cunt drained the water, replaced it with salt water & a quickly rising & dipping tide. & then … had some little cunt start throwing rocks from the embankment LOL.
funny, but not.
& thats been the groove all year.
pandemics & outright racism aside .. theres been some gobsmacking shit happening all around. i think my hardest reality though, has been realising that some of the those that i thought i knew quite well, have turned out to have less moral substance than they had portrayed. & as gut wrenching as that has been, its also been a huge fucken eye opener.
anyways ..
as im tapping this out, i’m aware i probably won’t get all the updates i want to get done, done .. cos yeah, im still abit limp in the brain area atm lol. but ..
i need to note .. that the shift i felt months ago .. the feeling like shit was changing .. that was unrecognisable & slightly uncomfortable but also felt like it was gonna be a good thing ..
yeah .. well its shifted.
& its good.
it is exactly more difficult than i had realised it would be but its good. a NEW good .. shit im completely not use too.
i feel like a have a different wave of confidence.
in myself .. & more importantly, in what ive come to learn about myself & the shit i’ve been through.
im still weighing it all up. slowly. cos slow is what i do now lol.
until i’m kinda more clear, i’ll keep posting my intermittent updates & a few random pieces that i need to relieve myself of lol.
& finish with ..
we only got one life.
there are no do-overs.
dont waste time with meaningless worthless BS.
kpm©
when apple locks you out for putting in the incorrect apple i.d, that you didn’t want, that you had to change last time, to something else that you didn’t want, and therefore promptly fucking forgot grrrr
IKR. 1st world problems.
kpm©
It’s that time of year where the expectations shoot through the roof.
What do I mean – other than the usual …’buy me’, ‘try me’ thing?
Digression:
Pts(d) has a few quirks to it. They aren’t excuses or slight difficulties; they are what make the diagnosis PTS fucking D.
Breaking it down for the simple-tons:
Theres the “P” for ‘Post’ … meaning: Past or after.
Theres the “T” for ‘Traumatic’ … meaning: so mind fucking, body bending, make and shake You fuckery that it completely fucks over your mind, body and soul.
Theres the “S” for ‘Stress’ … meaning: weight … big old weight on the body and mind that doesn’t go away with a little R&R. It stays; sets up camp and feeds on your soul.
Theres the “D” for ‘Disorder’ … and although I beg to argue this tag, it means: It’s a mental illness because it messes with yah feng shui.
Yes these are the typical “Me” translations, but you get my drift ay.
So what this bitch does to the body and mind and soul, are managed and battled on the, D for daily!
And then comes these glorious times of year, where yah breathing and trying stay calm and go with the flow that you’ve been practicing all year round …
And then some cunt rings and wants you to “come to a family outing” in like an hour. And as you respectfully ask for details and say you’ll have a little think on it but will probably decline the invitation … there is that Tone that happens.
That heave in the voice of the caller … that Tone that says without saying it:
“Oh for fucks sake, its christmas, can’t you just stop being a self fish dramatic bitch and suck it up for the afternoon???”
Well, actually …. No. I. Can’t.
And this is just one of the merry little reasons christmas makes Me want to curl up in a ball and roll the fuck away.
kpm ©
Stop
worrying.
Now.
No.
Just
stop.
kpm©
you get I’m not you.
ay.
you get that i don’t do
like you.
you get that me is not you.
ay.
that my experience.
aint yours.
ay.
otherwise, i’d
be you
and how fucked.
would that be.
ay.
*said in a large tone of dripping sarcasm*
kpm © : ig @kpm-artist
kpm© : me & pts (d) 