Not really, but just cos.
Ever felt like that?
It just seems that there’s a few more people mincing round my blog than there used to be … and not everyone ends up on the explanation (or about …) page … and even though a lot of the newbies to my Blog are penis enhancer sales-peeps and / or flash make up and life hack peeps (and no offence to yous … you gotta do your do’s and make your living somehow ay! Righteous :) ) …
Anyway … yah get my drift right?
I mean I do with blogs I follow … there’s those that I follow like a stalker … that have been round since I began … that I consider friends …. and then there are those that I’m getting to know, slowly … or those that I don’t completely get but there’s some good shizz on their blogs so I catch up regularly … yah get me ay … We aint all gonna be up in each others grill 24/7 to know everything about one another … but I’m grateful for the ‘connections’ I have made with people here …
I’m not going to do links, just the quick heads up …
I started this Blog in March 2015 … I’d never done anything like this before and had stopped writing in the early 90s when my diary was used to effectively separate Me from my children when I decided to leave my husband at the time.
Yep … I learn ;)
But finding myself in one hell of a fucked up state by 2015 … having been medically discharged in 2010, I had lived without an income for nearly 4 years. Physically, I was completely housebound, could no longer drive and could barely handle being in a vehicle. In this state, my partner finally gave in to my nagging and we moved to the beach.
Reason being … I figured if I was housebound I would rather that I was able to open the window and hear the ocean and smell the salt air, than be saturated with city sounds.
What we didn’t know then, was I was displaying all the symptoms of chronic pts(d), and had been for some time – well actually, all my life. At this time, I knew there was something drastically wrong or ‘altered’, but I was running out of energy. I had tried everything I knew to do and things against my better judgment … aka a raft of medications ‘to try’ … I had a list of ‘women’s issues’ stacking up next to the list of pills that weren’t working.
Before we moved to the beach I took myself off’ve all the medications I had been given and it hurt like a bitch. I stayed with my sedatives and that’s the only one I still take when I need too.
My reasoning re medications was similar to my reasoning for moving to the beach. What was I going to lose / gain? I had lost count of the amount of changes to medications they had tried, and ALL of them had fucked Me over more than assist Me in some type of functioning.
I had no money, no job, and was running out of the will to be alive … and don’t get that twisted … I don’t do suicide but have nothing against it … soz to all the non-suicidal peeps. It’s another whole part of my story thats in and around the Blog somewhere. I’d never take my life because I have kids / mokos. If I didn’t have them, then I don’t know if I’d be this way. My kids are the reason I lived this long.
Anyway … with not much to lose you tend to get quite focused. I knew I needed to recover, rest … whatever … I wasn’t sure from what or why. I had asked for assistance from everyone / agency / professionals I knew to ask … but unfortunately, you be a brown, poor, biological woman and you will find yo’self on the bottom of every list … You are not a priority.
And that’s how we ended up out here.
I finally got a diagnosis, after the fact and after one hell of a big ass complaint and one hell of a good shrink (well, psychologist ..) who helped and tried to empower … and did so without the promise of cash. She jumped through those hoops and got fucked up the bureaucratic asshole for it! But I am forever appreciative for what she did for Me.
So here I am 3 years after starting this Blog. I started with a view to being able to vent … find my voice … remember what I couldn’t … document what I needed too … remember how far I’d come … figure out who I was … who I was Now … sift out the lies from the truth … flip a script or two and redefine who I want to Be Now.
And that brings Me to the here and Now.
Theres been lots of changes, in my life, and on this Blog. And I guess, my Blog is pretty much a reflection of who I am and what I do on the Reals.
I am what I am.
So after that long-winded explanation … I wanna thank those that have stuck around those that drop in and occasionally make chit-chat or encourage Me … those that like my posts (yes, penis enlargers included lol) … those that can get past my sailors mouth and blasphemy lol and can take what I say as how its intended …
I appreciate the hell out of all y’all ;)
Most of all though … right now, I am pretty fucking stoked with myself … I know the shit I’ve endured, have flipped, am still trying to flip … I am fucking stoked to have found my voice … I think that’s what it’s about really … finding the feng to my shui ;)
Anywho … thanks for reading and Love and Light ;)
our beach <3