is the current status.
not a favourite thing of mine; of anyones really, if i had to think hard about it. but when one is feeling vulnerable, what do they do?
my old go-to, is numb.
numb can come in a variety of packages, usually labelled “don’t take with alcohol” … but when you’re trying to be more than just numb, ‘feeling that shit’ takes a bit of getting used too.
i’m trying to breathe deep. i’m listening & semi-watching d’angelo’s 2015 live jazz festival routine. it’s all kinda working … but not as fast as drugs do.
why the vulnerability?
we went and viewed a house this morning. it’s lovely. and now i’m waiting to see whether we apply for it or not.
what’s the problem?
simplified: it’s not my decision.
which, in a nut-shell, means i am hanging around waiting for someone else to decide my ‘fate’, again.
this is not a new phenomenon. it’s my life post diagnosis & post losing my income. technically speaking, i should be homeless. but i have a partner. a partner who has an income. which, is more than some people have.
but i don’t have any say in the finances, which is new for me. i also don’t spend any money. other than my breakfast cereal and tampons, i don’t ask for anything else. maybe its pride, maybe its cos i don’t want to be a burden, maybe its because i can’t stretch my brain that far. whatever it is, this is the way it is.
so when we have big ‘changes’ come up, i feel like i am sitting in a small dingy with no available oars, waiting for the ‘oar – owner’ to put the dam things in the water and paddle.
i can advise. i can suggest. i can even scream. but at the end of the day, they’re not my oars, i am a ‘guest’ in the dingy & where the fuck else am i supposed to go?
this is why i’ve been pushing so hard (well sort of) to get my pending income sorted. again, its up to someone else.
i’ve learnt over the years that just because someone else has seeming control of my environment, does not mean they have complete control over me. i could decide to be homeless. huh. that has a nice ring to it ay : homeless by choice!
but instead i remain here, trying to cohabitate with someone who has completely different ideas and ways of being than i do. someone who has resources at their disposal and chooses to do some pretty outrageous shit with said resources.
anyway, i don’t like feeling vulnerable & i’m going to have to work on my state of mind before it eats me up. for now though …
well, for now, i wait.
photography & art @kpm-artist