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unfucking thyself 101.99

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

99.

The other day I did a long shot of ‘the house I’d been waiting to photograph for like 5-6 years, and decided that that day was the day’ … yeah, well this is the same house, just up closer.

Why?

You’ll see :)

I spoke with my daughter last night. Not a nice conversation really … one of those gutt wrenching fuck with your sleep kinda talks. But this is how I chose to be as a parent … open and fucking honest. It goes both ways … I’ll be as brutally honest as I can, and I expect them to be brutally honest with Me.

Well my girl had grievances about my parenting. *groan*. Yah know its so much easier to have a standard that you don’t have to apply to yourself …

Any way …

My girl is a bit of a ‘late bloomer’ I guess. As in, her sister had vented and vexed most of her frustrations at Me by the time she was 18. My youngest is nearly 25 and she’s only dripped out a few morsels over the past 5 or so years but not too much … until last night. Yep, she had grievances … and they were all founded … all real … all horrible to hear …

What ripped my shit the most was hearing the pain in her voice as she cried. I hate hearing her hurt.

But I listened … and listened … and I wanted to justify myself … give the reasons for being a cunt of a person back then … but I listened, cos I knew she needed to be heard. And when she was done I didn’t apologise, or give justification and told her why I wasn’t giving either of those things … that she was right. That No parent including my blelf, was perfect and that if I could change my ‘mistakes’ or do better, I would … but it is what it is … and it was no slight on Her as a person … just Me, an adult, being a dick.

She got it and I know she felt relieved for being able to vent and be heard.

I felt better for her … but came away feeling like shit lol.

Oh the shit we go through … I would love to be able to say I did everything right … and that everything I experienced was just peachy too … but that aint the truth. It just seems that the older I get, the more I understand that there is No right way to Life … Not at all.

We’re all running around trying to minimise the damage somehow … when in all reality, sometimes theres beauty and growth in the damage. Not that I’m wishing for damage, for anyone … but we all call this shit ‘damage’, we see that shit as ‘being damaged’ … when really … it just is what it is.

Like this house :)

Would I clean it up if I could? No … cos then the photograph wouldn’t have that ‘thing’ to it that I like. Some would see ‘damage’ … I see worn, lived in, loved.

<3

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re write ~ twenty seven

“you just have to get used to it …”

really? because you got used to it? or cos you think i should be just like you?

Or … is there another reason?

re write ~ twenty six

“all your kind are the same …”

my kind???

*where to start with that one … *

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365 reasons to smile ~ 51.

51. The Toodle-loo Motherfucker meme 😂 – my daughter sent me this and said it reminded her of me: L M F A O, I did 😆😆😂😂

#throwback Feb 20, 2016 … yep and it still makes me lol x

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re write ~ twenty five

“oh, it’ll be alright …”

you know this, how?

*said by those who have no reliable evidence but want the recipient to Stop Asking Questions”

re write ~ twenty four

“thats a little ‘out there'”

as opposed to?

*usually said to deter one from wearing or doing something that makes the speaker feel ‘uncomfortable’*

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unfucking thyself 101.95

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

95.

Another … WTF is that moment lol …

It’s part of a new painting … just a part … a macro of a part … hows that for fucking with yah … and the mindfulness thingy … well … that came out of a conversation i had with my youngest girl recently … whose on the verge of ‘falling in love’ again, or so she reckons lol.

She had asked Me, Yes Me, was there a right way to let go of love.

Gulp.

I much preferred it when she asked simple questions like ‘who was in NZ first’, or ‘how the fuck are you supposed to shove that up there … (referring to a tampon)’ … LOL.

But feelings … emotions … the dirty L word … ewww … I am a No-Go when it comes to that shizz.

But not one to pussy out … *eye ball roll* … I told her I’d have a think and get back to her … *another eye ball roll*

So I thought about it.

I thought about all those that I had fucked.

The one person I could say I had ever made consensual ‘love’ too.

All those that I had shut out.

All those that had pledged devotion and I promptly shat upon.

All those that I had wanted but hadn’t wanted Me.

All those that I had used.

All those that had used Me.

All those I’d come close to loving but was too fucking scared too say so.

‘Twas a sobering recollection. Groan …

And then I messaged her back and advised her of the following, with, of course, a *note to daughter* attached which said:

“I have absolutely No idea how to do love except where you girls are concerned; which leads me to believe there is No right or wrong way to do it or to let it go.”

And thusly – I advised her to fall in love as much as she could  … as deeply as she could … for as long as she could … enjoying every little bit of it for what it was in that moment … and then when she’d had enough … to let it go just as readily as she had picked it up. That life was to short to regret not looking, loving, enjoying and moving on.

What does all that have to do with the photograph?

Sometimes we don’t take notice of, let alone enjoy, the macro view cos we’re to focussed on wanting to see the bigger picture … what it ‘might be’, potential and all that bullshit … instead of just enjoying the view you have for the time you have it <3

I love my girl.

<3

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unfucking thyself 101.93

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

93.

Cos I haven’t been taking pics like I was … I’m nearly all tapped out on the fresh photograph front … so heres a re-use, and btw it’s my little icon thingy … and for those that thought it was a big white dot … it is: It’s called the Moon ;)

So this mindfulness thing hasn’t really got anything to do with the moon … but if you can find a deep spiritual connection between the 2, go for it ;)

Now, this is going to sound critical and judgey but oh well … it is whats on my mind at the moment …

Today … I’ve had a guts full of those well meaning self-help – advice bullshit bastards that are dishing out the navel gazing, westernised deep meditation advice and ‘how toos’ … like its a new thing! Like its their invention and that they came up with the shit in the first place.

Usually I can sift through and take what I need from all of this stuff, but I fell upon an article about chakras and realignment etc and part the way through reading it, I was thinking, this sounds familiar … aside from the eastern arts that ‘it’ came from …

I had a look through one of my old note books from a lady that teaches our RomiRomi …

And yes, lo and behold what do I find in there … the breathing, the balancing, the realigning of our ‘waters’ / or our energies.

It’s all ancient. It’s all what we were prior to being colonised and consumerised … and I aint just talking about the brown peeps … I’m talking all Indigenous. Because we all were once.

It annoys Me. Well today it annoys Me. Tomorrow I’ll hopefully be able to roll with it again. And my point:

Acknowledge those that have gone before you …  the ancients and their wisdom … whether it be from your culture or someone elses. Acknowledge that … acknowledge them. Your fat head didn’t come up with that shit on your own. JS.

xo