thought ..

how about, you do some work to try and understand ME, instead of me constantly having to explain myself.


kpm©


 

i.write.

i write, in the hopes, that one day my kids might understand completely,
who I am.

kpm ©


 

Image

an interesting conversation was held today …

Me and the partner.

Turns out he’s learnt a lot over the last 13 or so years (yep, kinda lost count now lol). And I love him for it.

Here is what ensued … and it’ll get capped off with a bit of a question / query for feedback.

As the last few months have unfolded, especially concentrating on the death of my sister in October of last year, and the ‘reconnection’ with my father … there has been more than one conversation had, that have seen Me completely infuriated and bewildered. I’ve written about this at length, trying to process and make sense of whats going on … within the ‘relationship’ and the, ‘what the fuck am I supposed to do with that’ thought process. I get that, if my sister hadn’t died, Me and the father would still be having the once a year ‘message’ relationship, that I had grown quite accustomed too. I also get that, somewhere in amongst everything, the father is probably grieving. I also get that, I don’t know him very well … and he doesn’t know Me. I get that this whole ‘getting the land back’ has more to do with him and him wanting to feel like he’s done something substantial for his offspring.

I get this shit. I don’t think he does though.

And thats fine.

Moving on.

After every conversation we have had I am left feeling angry and confused (which by the way, takes quite abit of energy to recognise). Today was no different; but I did wonder whilst talking to him, if he was suffering from some kind of dementia.

This thought sent Me to the partner for advice. I know right lol.

Now this little meme sums Me up quite nicely. And it’s not just a Facebook thing, its a Life thing ;)

Whats interesting though, is I don’t actively think about Not offending anyone, or, offending anyone. It’s not till afterwards (conversation / meeting / introductions etc) that I am aware there is a mess but I’m uncertain how it got to be that way or if it’s even my problem.

Now I wasn’t always ‘say it as I see it’ person. I had other shit going on and survival mode included inward analysis; not discussion with others. But as I move through my ‘reconciliation’ process, I am vividly aware that I am missing some pieces. This is hell’ah evident after my conversations with the father.

I do not understand him. But this is not a new experience for Me. There have been a shittonne of people I don’t understand … and it usually comes down to this:

What is coming out of their mouths doesn’t make any sense to Me.

Now I’m a smart woman … this much is true. But there are certain things I really Do.Not.Understand.

The question posed to the partner was this:

“What the fuck is happening?”

He in turns grins, and asks me define what I’m asking, lol, like I said, he’s come along way!

A couple of conversations ago, with the father, he was going on about the land … again … and how he wanted Me to be a trustee etc and I had said ‘Hell No’ … and then, out of nowhere, he says”

“Have you seen a car?”

Huh?

The partner was listening to this conversation and smiling the entire time. I was looking at him slightly bewildered.

So my answer to the “Have you seen a car?” question, was “Yes”. And thats it. In my head I was thinking … “of course I’ve seen a fucking car; I’m staring at ours sitting in the drive way right now”; but all that I said was “yes” and then silence.

The father continues with … “I need a car … have you seen one I can buy?”; to which I replied, “No”. Then he asks if there are any cars for sale where I live, to which I ask a clarifying question: “How much do you want to pay for  it?” … and he says, “Ummm 2 dollars”. Me: “Well No then”.

Then he starts rambling off onto something else that I wasn’t really listening too. I was still stuck on … “What The Fuck?”. All the while the partner is still grinning.

That conversation ended and I got off the phone angry and frustrated … again.

So today, when I asked the partner … ‘what the fuck is going on’, he recounted the ‘Have you seen a car?’ conversation, and explained thusly :

“Dear, you are literal. Very literal. Your father was hinting for us to pick him up from the airport.”

Huh?

“Todays conversation, your father was hinting for you to pick up the lazyboy chair he has purchased and deliver it to him.”

Huh?

And mine and the partners conversation progressed from there.

I don’t understand hints. Not because I’m stupid, but because I don’t understand them. Period.

To Me, the father should have just asked for a ride or for us to pick up his chair, if thats what he meant. To go on about buying cars or seeing cars, or in the instance of todays conversation – that he sleeps in a lazy boy recliner chair and the road is closed – does not make a shred of sense to Me.

It’s taken the partner all these years to figure out that I’m not being obstinate or annoying when I seek clarification. And that when I answer a question literally I won’t go into long explanations. It just is what it is.

I understand, or can ‘feel’ intent, but that has more to do with ‘evil’ intent. I know when someone is fishing for information for exploitation or trying to manipulate me into a corner. I can feel that in the tightening of my stomach and chest.

Hints – not so much. Maybe because they seem like the amateurs version of manipulation.

But as I’m asking the partner to explain what happened and I’m obviously not getting it; he flips the script for Me.

If this was him having the ‘car’ conversation with my father, he would have asked him if he wanted to be picked up from the airport; which is his version of seeking clarification. For Me, that is annoying hard work. I don’t think it’s my job to figure out what he’s trying to say. The partner would have asked whether the father wanted the chair delivered to him. I didn’t.

And I don’t get how the partner gets the underlining conversation thats not being had!

But technically, it means that the partner is listening and then asking what isn’t being said to get to the ‘un-said’ outcome. Fucks sakes … thats exhausting!

Most of the time I feel like Sheldon or that dude off Guardians Of The Galaxy, whose people are literal … and I really don’t understand what is being said when people won’t say what they mean. And then I realised the multitudes of times in my life that I’ve gotten into trouble or been blamed or shamed for being annoying, acting dumb, being ignorant or rebellious, for being this way. The partner reckons, other people don’t get Me just as much as I don’t get them.

So, I guess, after all the dribbling on, my question is:

Why don’t people say what they mean?????


kpm ©


 

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why hurt?

its not that they couldn’t

or even that their honesty was

more to do with their own insecurities.

it was that they did.

that they said it

with no consideration,

of me.


kpm ©


 

please

Be patient, if you can
I don’t mean to be slow
I’m not trying to annoy
Or irritate your world
I just don’t always understand
As you do
Just as you didn’t understand
When you didn’t understand.
Please don’t hang up
Or take that tone,
You know that one
That presumes stupidity
Just as I didn’t do with you
When you were too small
To understand,
That you didn’t understand.
Because when you sigh,
When you roll your eyes,
When you chide and chastise,
When you berate and belittle –
You hurt my heart.
You hurt my head.
Your insensitivity
Makes me wonder
What on earth I actually taught you.
But most of all you forget
That you were once unable
And I enabled.
That once you didn’t understand
And I taught.
I’m not asking for any extra
Than I deserve.
Please
Be patient.
Or don’t speak to me at all.
That would be easier,
For now.


kpm ©


 

believing

I learnt something about myself today, in amongst trying to focus.

I have a whole heap of beliefs…that I don’t actually believe.

I’ve been hanging onto them for so long…because…I think, at one time or another during my life, they suited my purpose…were all that I knew…I didn’t have a wider understanding…they were easy…or easier than the truth…they were true, for that time.

The fascinating thing about reviewing ones own existence, is that the oddest of things surface…right on time I suppose.


kpm©