unfucked today.




Homai to Aroha


I’m not really sure the photograph does the ‘mindful moment’ justice. But there it is anyways …

I went to the beach again (Yuss! A ‘Win’ to Me today) … and it was peopley, even! It was so hot I pretty much didn’t give a flying fuck about anyone else … and even went for a swim in my undies LOL.

But as I was making like a beached whale, and not looking for any particular mindfulness moment, one smashed Me in the face in the form of a giant wave!

Now a couple things came to ‘mind’ …

I think this whole mindfulness routine is supposed to be a ‘being in the present’ – ‘appreciating the moment’ kinda thing … but what I did wonder in my moment, whilst gulping large amounts of salt water … was:

Who defined what past, present and future actually is?

Because it occurred to Me today, that in my ‘culture’, there really isn’t such a thing. It’s all fluid.

It just Is.

Emotions. Thoughts. Events. They’re All Right Here, Right Now, even if they were 10 years ago.

Which got Me onto the 2nd thing.

A few years ago a man I knew (he is a ‘healer’, in Our sense of the word), who has since passed, was talking about listening and learning from nature. That sitting in the rain will give you lessons in ‘feeling’ and being ‘present’, so to speak.

That sitting in Tangaroa (the Ocean), will give you lessons in breathing and ‘being present’, so to speak. Because if you’re not watching what Tangaroa is doing; how he’s changing and rolling … you Will definitely get smacked up the side of the head by an enormous wave, And you won’t be able to breath lol.

I Got That Today.

Tangaroa is a huge force that is continuously changing his ebbs and flows and currents: he’s predictable – but completely unpredictable.

Isn’t that exactly how Life is?


kpm ©


heaven and earth moving …

The ground has been shaking again – more like big ass jolts – just enough to make you wanna piss yourself but not quite enough to roar into a full on panic.

My reaction – I’m getting angry.

Is that a normal response? Fuck Knows … it is what it is I guess …

I’m beginning to realise a few things though …

My go to response for most things that I am afraid of .. which has been generally on point thus far … Is to Run … Disappear …. Not be Here.

I’ve managed to do that in various ways throughout my life and is an A typical response from a victim of child sexual assault … blah blah blah.

I’ve known this – in my head. I understand the theory and the concept and the actioning of it.

I’ve dis-associated myself, removed myself, anesthetized myself to Run from things. That has been my form of ‘fight and flight’.

When you’ve been to small to literally Run or Fight, and to small to figuratively or intellectually Run or Fight, these things are your only options. And the mind and body are really quite marvellous things. They protect us / our psyches from some unreal shit.

But now I’m an adult. A big person. And I’m still running … its like my go too. And a lot of times, there’s a freedom in making a choice … to be able to choose a response. Which is why I respond to nearly everything and anything that fucks me off – that makes me feel trapped or without a choice.

But this … this round … is some new kind of fuckery … which I know with my head, I’ll be better off for, when I get the gist of it all.

You see … the earth moves … that’s natural … it does what it wants. Theres no predicting that shit. You can plan for it but you can’t predict it. It happens when its ready. Similar to a predator.

With PTS(D), the adrenalin is always pumping, readying for the ‘unpredictable’ … always watching, always taking note – taking notice …

But this is a threat, not from a person; not from a sickness … but from mother nature herself. And I can’t do a god damn thing about it. Even running is not a validated response … Run to where? It’ll still be shaking there!

It was last night after jolt number 2, I realised Running / Disappearing, is what I do. I do it emotionally, physically, mentally … I disconnect and disappear.

That response is not serving me well this time.

Thats whats making me angry.

What the fuck am I supposed to do if I can’t Run? If I can’t disconnect?


Fight what??

What are you supposed to do in the interim? Enjoy life?

I know if I can get some kind of understanding around this it’ll help with the panic attacks and not wanting to be certain places … it’s all connected to shit being unpredictable and Me being trapped.

Grrr. Fuckery, I tell yah!

kpm ©


unpredictable shit

I’ve discovered I would rather leave than be ousted. Rejection issues? Probs. Pretty sure my Nan used to say something about a lady leaving right on time…not lingering…something like that…knowing me I’ve rehashed 3 different sayings and merged them into one of my own…but oh well, sounds good.

But anyway…this 42 days notice has finally got me spinning…jumping…thrashing about like a P addict looking for a pipe. I don’t like having shit pulled out from under me…

But that’s life isn’t it. I don’t mean the whiny…omfg, life is shit and shit changes cos its shit and im shit…I mean, that IS life. Change. The unpredictable. The natural disaster. The fucking ebbs and flows of life.

I thought I enjoyed change…another one of those crock of shit beliefs I thought I believed…but turns out I’m full of shit…


I like change…that I – I…create. That’s not the same as wisps of exotic or toxic change that randomly splat onto the window of life. Those aren’t predictable. And those are the ones I don’t like. Neither does my body.

But…I’m getting the sense that as much as I like to predict the future, hedge my bets…not in the crystal ball sense…but the law of averages sense…Life can’t be predicted.

Bummer. Has anyone notified the local fucking ptsd association of that?? We’re fucked!

And as much as the world around me seems to have its own ptsd thing happening and they’re predicting the shit out of everything past present and futuristic…they’re not right…which means shit is exactly unpredictable and they can’t change that.

So we’re all fucked?!

Ebbs and flows…change…



Breath, mother fucker…breath.

kpm ©