today .. was ..

i remember when i first got vertigo, just over 10 years ago now .. i hadn’t linked it to anything else other than having a bad case of the flu and my sinuses being blocked ..

i was about 36-37 then.

i also knew my health wasnt right due to the amount i was vomitting and shitting and the amount of weight i was losing .. oh as well as my hair .. again.

so, i did what we all do.

i went to the doctors.

i got a med cert. i tried to recover and move on.

that was the start of something larger that would suck my energy something fierce.

but at 38ish i had more energy to fight.

im 48 now and i can feel my energy depleting.

sometimes i turn myself inside out to find solutions cos thats the kinda bitch i am.

im solution focussed.

in finding a solution i’ll shred the evidence i have to source the suitable solution. if that dont work ill try something else.

but, i still get chronic vertigo.

& its seems like it worsened with the onset of peri menopause .. insert eyeball roll.

& im still trying to find solutions.

but some days .. ohhh some days .. its all i can do to stand. walking is near impossible. & anything above those 2 things is draining af.

but i take notes.

so that when i have a steady day i can find alternative solutions.

today is one of those days.

its actually about day 3.

and i was reminded of stumbling up stairs back in my 30s, trying to hold on to the railing and not topple over. i decided in that moment i needed to find alternatives to how i did things.

that if i couldn’t drive to get the groceries i could utilise online.

if i couldn’t sit on a chair without feeling wonky id sit on the floor.

that id minimise and reorganise what i needed so it was on hand and i didn’t have to make 10 trips downstairs or bend over and stand up a tonne of times.

& that was the start.

i still sit on floor.

i still utilise online services.

& im still trying to find solutions.

still.

today im tired.

tomorrow i hopefully kick ass again .. hopefully.


kpm©


 

its currently a cunt of a day.

hormonally. horizontally & intuitively.

random as fuck you might say?

not really. as i’ve come to realise about my pedantic little self.

whilst my brain is clear (ish) & i’m full of ideas & energy: my body is not so fucking willing.

vertigo is through the roof, or the floor as the case my be. my tummy is doing somersaults & i’m guessing this is PMS in all its fucking glory (after referring to my anal little calendar), or i’m hungry … again. my head is aching, but that seedy sorta ache. oh & i’m as nauseous as fuck!

i’ve done the ’emotional’ check, such as it is, & i know there’s shit going on in there, i just cant quite put my weasely little finger on it yet.

i’ve done the ‘body’ check, such as that fucking is, & am taking an educated guess @ hormone fuckery.

whatever the fucks going on it’s lending to an ever increasing anxiety that’s building to a nice little panic fuck … possibly scheduled for … soon … if i cant catch my fucking breath.

yah know, some days are just cunty-er than others.

*rolling with it*


kpm ©