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the unfucking of thyself. myself.

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

Little bit of a cluster fuck today, but seeing as this is my blog and I can cluster-fuck it if I need too … here we go:

As I have been going on about our river trip for the last few days, and the convent that we stayed at, I’ve noticed I’ve been avoiding the photographs of the church and the actual convent.

Therein lies the cluster fuck and the unfuck.

I don’t like churches. I don’t like the way they make Me feel. And when We went into this church I was approaching it purely from a ‘lets take some good pictures’ point of view … and still felt horrible going in there.

These are the photos from the outside only … tomorrow I’ll do the ones from the inside. So in essence this is a 2 part cluster-fuck-unfucking-of-thyself lol.

I don’t like churches for a lot of reasons. One being, that I was brought up having to go to church every sunday (not a church like this), and I have some ass hat memories from that ordeal that have taken half a lifetime to come to terms with. Part of that unfolding has been separating religion from ‘god’. The two are not even remotely related.

The other part of my angst with this particular iconic building, is that it overshadows the settlement that was there long before the missionaries arrived on these shorelines. And whilst the nuns that set up shop here, may have actually been quite righteous individuals, they are themselves the ‘icons’ of our colonial history. They came, “the great white hope”, and they ‘saved’ the natives from the other colonial parasites and the diseases and alcohol and rape and perversity, they bought with them. They set up an ‘orphanage’, which is honourable … missing the point that We never needed ‘orphanages’ before they arrived.

The land that this big iconic building sits on, is ‘gifted’ land. As in, tangata whenua of this area, ‘let’ the catholic church build their buildings on the land. The idea was they would help the church and the church would help them. The nuns have done that: again, thats an honourable thing.

But the whole building smacks of the colonial history that has diminished or is not so obvious anymore, everywhere else in our country.

When I stepped into this building, I couldn’t hardly breathe and felt dizzy as fuck … more so than normal.

I could feel the weight of grief Tangata Whenua (people of the land) had bore. The disbelief, that a ‘visiting’ peoples could wreak so much havoc in such a short time. And then I could feel the angst of all colonised people … the disbelief … the horror … the clamber to find solutions … the grief. It makes everything tight and quite unbearably sad and desperate. All in those 4 walls where the pakeha come to ‘worship’ the gods of their ancestors.

Anyway, thats part one. The best photograph, in my opinion, is this one because it is just a silhouette. If only that was true of the indentation that they have left on this land.


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unfucked. thyself.

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

Well my River trip photos have come to an end …. a beautiful end I must say :)

The entire experience, for Me, was mindful and beautiful and an achievement in and of itself. I had times of anxious-ness … the dreaded hot flush here and there … but there is something quite soothing about looking out onto this scene and feeling the feeling of being ‘present’, or part of something larger than yourself.

Because this is the land of my tipuna (ancestors), it held an extra special something for Me. My tipuna were hearty survivors … I am grateful to them for that part of my character.

<3


kpm ©


 

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me.un.fucking.self

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

Pink sky at night … shepherds delight … well thats how that saying goes anyways .. something to do with the next day being good, weather wise.

Sometimes when I watch these I think … you just never know if you have a tomorrow … that you had a ‘today’, and you should be grateful for that. And most of the time, I am.

I am grateful for all the things I have .. and I don’t mean ‘stuff’, as in money, clothes, car etc … I mean things like – the love of my kids … that I love my kids … that I have 5 healthy beautiful mokos (grandchildren) who are absolutely gorgeous … I ate today … I have water to drink … that I have lived life … not always of my choosing, but I have lived … and I have the ability to learn to live better-er.

Those are the things I’m grateful for.

The rest is just carry-on luggage.

<3


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un.fucking.thyself.

Whenever I see a tree this size and shape and age, I always wonder what kinds of things it’s seen in it’s lifetime. If it grew that way because of its environment or if it was shaped that way or if it wanted to grow that way. And of course, I’ll never know for sure …

But they command respect that I can’t quite explain. They’re so big and patient and quiet, yet dominating.

Yes, I sat and stared at this one for ages … I have No idea what kind of tree it is … but I liked it … and I hope no-one chops him down any time soon … I’m sure he’ll fall of his own accord, when he’s ready.

<3


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me & thyself.

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

As beautiful as it is, there is something quite eerie, but kind of majestic about the river. It feels like it has history … has stories to tell … if you’re willing to listen. It feels like it commands respect and remembrance … a kind of ‘thou shalt not fuck with me’ sort of feel, but nicer lol.

I found as I was photographing the River, that no matter where I stood to take a shot; how I leaned or shaped my body to get what I thought would be a nice shot … I ended up with something completely different … like it wanted to tell it’s own story.

So this shot was supposed to a little to the left … in my minds eye … but when it came out, it was perfectly in balance with how It wanted to be. The River always seems slightly hidden, but it perfect balance with its surroundings.

It was Us that were the intruders … the on lookers … the passer-bys. But non-the-less, I still felt connected to it in a strange but comforting way.

<3


kpm ©


 

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the unfucks.

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

I loved the wildflowers on our trip down the river .. they were everywhere … just hanging round, minding their own business, looking free and beautiful and shit …

No worries, no cares … thats the feels I got off’ve them. They didn’t over shadow and weren’t obnoxiously ‘out there’, they were just green and white and simple and elegant and beautiful – and could be easily missed if you weren’t really paying attention.

<3


kpm ©


 

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definitely unfucked.

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

It doesn’t really need a pretty little mindfulness explanation. Suffice to say I could watch this all day …

And I’ll just leave it right here … :)


kpm ©


 

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unfucked.

Taking a break from the mind fuck that is colonisation and was a bit of a slow process to process …

But in amongst the scars on the landscape ….

There are moments.

Moments when you remember that everything is as is should be. The colours are good. The smells are good. The sounds are good. Everything here is good :)

I found my bees. My beautiful little bees ;)


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un-unfucking thyself.

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

It’s one of those days. Just hard. Hard work to even be.

You know … sometimes, lifes a right royal bitch. I’m trying to embrace that bitch today … preferably smother her and bury her in the back yard!

This photograph is from my trip away. The convent we stayed at used to be an orphanage back in like, 1892. The upstairs room of the convent was converted to house / sleep the 20+ orphans they had at any one time.

This is a long shot of the head of one of the beds in front of one of the long windows that feature throughout the entire convent.


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the unfucking of.

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

Heights have always bothered Me … I’d much prefer to be down below than teetering on hilltops … and this is in more ways than one. I’d prefer to be with those that have nothing than those that believe they have everything. The latter tend to ‘feel’ so full of themselves and their own importance that they suck all the moisture out of the air and give Me a panic attack! It’s the same feeling as being on top of a high hill looking down, but nicer than the aforementioned scenario.

But when your lying on your tummy, peeking through the grasses at the layers of universe that lay beyond, your own insignificance is blindingly obvious.

In the vastness of nature, I am but a speck on it’s landscape. I really do wonder how the European forbears (some of which were mine as well) thought they could ever conquer and Own this countryside.

Papatuanuku does as she pleases. To think we can dominate her and not live in harmony with her is actually pretty bloody stupid reasoning, even for Us humans.

I’m grateful for our lands. For the lands … the earth … the water … the depths … that we still have here to traverse if we so desire.

Today I feel Full Of Life.

<3


kpm ©


 

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the unfucking continues:

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

One of the things I loved about the River and the land surrounding it, was the layers. There were layers upon layers of beauty and sound (or lack of sound) everywhere we went. The colours, or lack of colours, were beautiful too. Everything seemed as it should be. It perfect sync with everything else. It was quite obvious when you came across something that had been ‘altered’ by a human lol … but everything else was just as it should be … and of course, just how I like it. ‘Overgrowen’, aka ‘growing naturally’ … Quiet, except for nature sounds … No intrusive smells, just grass, trees, clean air.

I thought my place was quiet but this was even quieter. No noise pollution at all.

And guess what … Not difficult to be all mindful and shit out here … in fact I’d say it’s the epitome of mindfulness, without the effort!

Absolutely perfect.

<3


kpm ©


 

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getting to it: the unfucking of thyself.

Karakia:

Atua

Tukua

Homai to Aroha

Ae.

It’s been an utterly amazing journey up to Whanganui and back. I’m still tired but happy … or content … I’m not sure which one … or both … oh whatever … I’m good!

The River.

Me and my Mama went up to find our tipuna (ancestors). That was the mish anyways.

We didn’t find her.

But we found the start … or end … of the journey She took to end up where she did.

Slightly mysterious I know … but that seems to be the way. And talk about mess with my sense of ‘achievement’, ‘getting it done Now’ and all the pedantic shit!

Thats not how this is going to get done we’ve discovered.

Like the Awa (River) … it’s a slow, methodical, unfolding and emotional process. It’s not going to be a matter of googling it and it’s done.

We met peeps … we talked … we told our story … they told theirs … they talked about ‘the River’ and it’s people … which is Us too we’ve realised …

I did all the things that I usually can’t / won’t / don’t like doing!

Anywho … this photograph was at the top of some bad ass cliffs that lead onto the road that takes you up the River. Scared the living shit out of Me! But I got my pic … and surprisingly, many more after that.

To say the Awa is majestic is an understatement. It’s something I haven’t quite got the words for yet.

Over the next little while I’ll post the pics from our trip … the whole dam experience was one mindfulness mind / heart / emotion fuck! A good one though …

<3


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