the stats?

Now

if I was to Be

and believe

all that is prescribed

that I am,

then I would be

at the shit end

of all the negative

statistics.

Just as well

I don’t give a

fidgety fuck

about

stats!

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reconciling the hormones #43

Alright, all jokes aside …

This is like one of those rollercoasters (which I have avoided for most of my life!) that just won’t quit!

It’s like 1,000 shades of emotion all in the space of an hour … with 5  minutes rest .. and then right back to the beginning again!!

Fuuuuck!

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reconciling the hormones #39

Researching, and look what I found …

Now this makes Me all kinds of angry …

Wonder if thats part of the incurable ‘condition’ grr.

reconciling the hormones #29

Ok, captains log, number .. fuck knows:

Heres what I’ve noticed after nearly 30 days …

  • There are definite ebbs and flows
  • Physical and emotional
  • The physical shit reminds Me of pregnancy, but magnified and short bursts of intensity
  • The emotional stuff is some kind of new fuckery for Me
  • It feels like anxiety but magnified and shorts bursts of intensity too
  • I haven’t quite figured the momentum yet
  • My hope is once I can figure out the ‘when’ part (like with menstruation) then I can at least plan around it
  • Cos at the moment, the random-ness is fucking with Me feng shui hard core
  • The only emotional part I actually Like – is the Rage.
  • My goddess, I got some Rage!!

So, according to my trusty schedule lol, I’m in the pre-menstrual phase. Once this lot is done and dusted eek, I should have a better idea of what the blessed little hormones are actually doing.

Oh, btw, … Think I’m going to my douche bag doctors for any of this shit ..

Hell No!

Pretty sure biological women were dealing with this shit long before some old white dude decided we should be medicated and re-situated.

reconciling the hormones #5

  • bleeding like a stuck pig
  • bleh
  • not cool
  • actually roasting like a pig on a spit
  • hmmm bacon
  • well that digressed fast

reconciling the hormones #4

i wonder if cabbage leaves would help the whole,

“my boobs feel like they’re going to fall off of my chest”

thing?

apparently it works for nursing mothers 😉

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#IOwnMyLife

ready, steady … go

Thinking ima gonna start a new section on my blog … a diary slash documentation of:

“Menopause”.

I know, I know. I can hear the jubilation from all areas.

Theres a few reasons:

I’ve pretty much detested being a biological woman most of my life. I felt like this body betrayed Me. I never wanted to be a man though. Ewww. But it’s a hard thing being stuck as something you despise but not wanting to be the alternative.

As the years went on I realised I didn’t have to be anything that was ‘prescribed’ for Me to be either: so I didn’t. I refused to state my gender; I refused to dress ‘ladylike’ – I found my own groove; I refused to speak ‘like a lady’ … yes, I found my own groove; I refused to be anything that was expected of me ‘as a woman’.

But I still despised my biology.

That has mainly been because I thought my gender is what got Me assaulted as a little girl. I didn’t realise then, that my gender had nothing to do with it. My vaginal hole, as tiny as it was, was not the pre cursor for being invaded by a sick cunt.

No.

It was His sickness. It had nothing to do with Me … and as I found out many years later … the sick cunt had no preference between genders … his preference was ‘defenceless.’

By the time I hit my teens and my first baby was due, the after effects of the infant sexual assault had well and truly set in. But I didn’t realise that at the time. I dreaded motherhood. Not my child … but not being able to protect her. It was my Achilles heel.  By the time I was married and pregnant with my 3rd child, I was petrified. But this time, I was petrified of having a boy. Petrified of producing a sex offender. As weird as it sounds, the aftermath manifests in some interesting ways.

I was relieved when i birthed another baby girl, but then scared about the double protection I would have to provide.  I didn’t want to have anymore children. Partly because this world is no place for a child, or so I believed. And partly because I could feel myself starting to break. So I took the next logical step … and had my tubes tied. Yes, at 23, I took matters into my own hands.

I cracked about a year later and left my husband soon after.

Not to get into that story … my point is … being a woman has never been a good thing for Me. In my mind, it got Me assaulted, repeatedly … I bleed … I physically developed and was re-assaulted by both males and females. It has felt like my body has betrayed Me at every turning point.

I understand now that this isn’t really the narrative. Which is why I want to document – the good, the bad, and the learning – of menopause.

This is the final frontier lol.

I want to remember it and where I can, celebrate it, like I should have been doing all my life as a biological woman.

You see I get now, that being a biological woman is a fucking honour. To birth a child … to give new life … no matter what age you give birth … well that’s the greatest honour of all. We are the whare-tangata. And I have despised and sabotaged mine at every turn.

Now, I will celebrate and learn to love and embrace this final part of my journey … this Part of Me ❤

er hem

um …

thou shalt not tell Me

i should shave my legs

because you believe it’s

‘unwomanly’

if i don’t.

PS: I shalt not be shaving

My legs

for quite awhile.

Ok, I have questions: for biological women

Not to be exclusive or anything … but I have questions for the menstruating members of the universe. For those that haven’t, feel free to peruse. However, be warned (and if you’ve ever read any of my previous shizz), I err on the side of ‘descriptive’.

Alrighty:

I am heading into the menopausal area of my life. After a shit-tonne of years bleeding my ass off, I’m looking down the barrel of finally Not having to clamber for the tampon at the bottom of my bag; or bunching up toilet paper when I’ve run out of sanitary pads; or flailing about for a week of the month, in excruciating uterine agony. Yep … period time has never been a Joyous occasion and I have always envied those of my species who manage to whisk their way through the monthly cycle without so much as a twitch in the abdominal area and a couple of tampons and panadol.

I am not one of those.

But the thought of menopause setting in doesn’t fill Me with dread, on the contrary, it sounds like eventual bliss!

Of course, I wanted to learn all I could about the process so I knew what I was in for. Mainly so I knew when it ended! The onset of the menstruating process sucked balls. I was completely unprepared and pretty much thought I was dying. And then when it had finished, I thought that was it! Period done and dusted.

Not Even! No-one gave Me the heads up that this little beauty would show up every month for the next 30-40 years! Thats right Years, Not fucking weeks! I was horrified and petrified. From here on out (I think I was about 11 or 12), my girlfriends who were older than Me, pretty much taught Me what to do. How to prepare; what to get; how to Insert for fucks sake: Cos heads up pre-menstruating females: Ya’ll need to read the instructions on tampon insertion BEFORE you’re bleeding like a stuck pig in the school bathroom. Not cool.

Anywho – My girlfriend(s) at that time were awesome. The rest was trial and era. I don’t want menopause to be the same! So I’ve asked questions; as I do.

I ‘ve asked People. Women. Doctors. Even Aunty Google.

Guess what. Peeps are still as frigid about talking about ‘women stuff’ now, as they were 30 years ago.

Really???

Apparently so.

Google and all the medical sites are way to ‘undetailed’ and aloof. And so are people!

I’m pretty sure if it was a disease it’d get more coverage.

What I want to know is:

  • What is the process?
  • Do you just stop bleeding one day?
  • Will I get cramps?
  • Do ‘hot flushes’ feel like being ultra hot?
  • And why the hot flushes?
  • Will it feel like I’m shitting out my insides?
  • Will I grow a beard?
  • Are their noticeable tell tale signs that its starting or finishing?
  • How long does it take?
  • Whats happening with the hormones?
  • What happens to the hormones afterwards?
  • Will my boobs sag even more?
  • Are my boobs meant to feel like they’re going to drop off?
  • Does my ‘smell’ change?
  • Is there anything that I can do to ‘relieve’ the process, or help the process?
  • Can any cunt give Me a freaking timeframe?? LOL

As you can see, I am down for the feedback please.

I’m not squeamish or overly ‘po-lite’, so write as you would say it please 🙂

I want to be able to school my girls on this process too. It’s something I hardly ever hear getting talked about – or maybe I’m just in the wrong circles 😉

Right, so there you have it – Fire away with all your wealth of advice my Beautiful Pre / Post Menopausal Peeps ❤