to speak


that speaking,

in general,

or more specifically,

espousing a desire,



brings silence.

not of the golden variety.

but the punishment variety.

the variety that silences,


That silences Your World.

Your truth.


reconciling the hormones #61

So my sedative intake, apart from the antihistamines (which is down to about 1/2 every week), is about the same. And I’m still discerning the difference between a hot flush and a panic fuck … they are so similar it is spooky!

I had an interesting conversation with my Mama whilst we were away … about the menopause situation etc. She was watching Me sweat and quiver and quietly freak out and very nicely asking if I was alright … and then she remembered that she had started having hot flushes when she was in her mid-30s and they were exasperated or brought on when she exerted herself and / or got angry.

I had a super-duper AH-Fucking-HAH moment I tell yah! I could relate perfectly … so I’m hoping that based on those dates / years … I should nearly be done with menopause !!! LOL.

But after this conversation we got onto what a panic attack feels like … signs, symptoms, what brings them on … and hit on something in that jumble fuck.

That if my hormones are doing what they should, but in essence I feel completely out of control of my body … it follows that thats what brings on the panic fuck.

I don’t like being out of control … especially of my … Yes, MY … body, thanks to pts fucking d.  So something else to work on I guess … like I didn’t have enough already pfft!

Anyway … so heres to another week of hormone imbalance-rebalance-apparently all in fucking balance survival!

Cheers Me 🙂

#meme is a cartoon picture of an older biological woman sitting in an arm chair in front of one big ass fan!

Caption reads: When I asked for a smoking hot body, menopause was not quite what I had in mind.


reconciling the hormones #59

ohhh she’s been a rough week … well, not rough … more like maniac then calm …. hmm

Interesting though, mapping it out over the week and seeing its ebbs and flows … I’m still hell’ah uncertain about the differentiation between what it is actual ‘menopause’ and what is anxiety / panic ; unwell ; period  … and I ate something that doesn’t agree with Me … if you get my feels.

Some of it I know is due to being an unfeeling cold hearted bitch for most of my life aka disassociated … and some of it is just New.

And then I got to thinking that maybe I’d be better rolling with the thought that it all is OK and all is part of the Whole, and it really doesn’t matter if its the hormones, of the pork I ate, or just a bad ass day. I mean really … who gives a shit … it all still feels pretty much the same and is all pretty fixed by 1 of 3 things …

  • sleep
  • alcohol (drugs … whatever works)
  • ripping shit up

Except the hot flushes … fuck my life … those are some bastards alright!

So what I noticed this week, was my period (and all it’s biologically womanly glory arrgghhh) finished on one day … 5 days later I was still drained as fuck … like I’d been sucked dry by a vampire. By day 6 I felt ‘Normal’ … as in:

  • Shit – check
  • Eat – check
  • Not to hot – check
  • Not fluster fucked – check
  • Not dizzy – check

You get my drift.

1 day of that.

1 motherfucking day!

Then I was back to hot as fuck, faint as fuck, dizzy as fuck …

Positive? I got a day of rest … just like Jesus 😉

#meme is a cartoon pic of a biological woman in her bra and undies, looking extremely hot and flustered, spraying herself with a bottle of water.

The caption reads: Menopause means never having to say you’re chilly!


unfucking thyself 101.31




Homai to Aroha



Bit of a cheat today with the 2 photographs, but 1 wasn’t doing it for Me.

In my clean out the other day I had to figure out what to do with these beauties: potential rubbish bin material?

Well, I could not do it:

Heres why ..

These are macro shots of my Nans recipes. Even though they are old and largely illegible … they are my Nans essence ❤ In this shot I can ‘see’ her love and beauty; her patience with us; her creativity and her wisdom. I miss her. And these little pieces of paper made my mindfulness-ness sort of teary, but happy.

I am privileged to have had a Nan in my life, right up until I was in my 30s. Not to many people can say that. My children had a Great-Nan but she departed this world before her great great grandchildren were born.

Memories come with all sorts of things … bits of paper; handwritten scribbles; recipes; smells; words … flavours.

I love my Nan for everything she gave Us girls. She was / is the epitome of strength and resilience.

Today the shout out mindfulness spot goes to my Nan.

reconciling the hormones #54

Captains Log –

feels like me uterus is crawling out through my ass.

an interesting feeling.


doesn’t quite encapsulate

#thefeels of it at all.

the stats?


if I was to Be

and believe

all that is prescribed

that I am,

then I would be

at the shit end

of all the negative


Just as well

I don’t give a

fidgety fuck



reconciling the hormones #43

Alright, all jokes aside …

This is like one of those rollercoasters (which I have avoided for most of my life!) that just won’t quit!

It’s like 1,000 shades of emotion all in the space of an hour … with 5  minutes rest .. and then right back to the beginning again!!



reconciling the hormones #39

Researching, and look what I found …

Now this makes Me all kinds of angry …

Wonder if thats part of the incurable ‘condition’ grr.

reconciling the hormones #29

Ok, captains log, number .. fuck knows:

Heres what I’ve noticed after nearly 30 days …

  • There are definite ebbs and flows
  • Physical and emotional
  • The physical shit reminds Me of pregnancy, but magnified and short bursts of intensity
  • The emotional stuff is some kind of new fuckery for Me
  • It feels like anxiety but magnified and shorts bursts of intensity too
  • I haven’t quite figured the momentum yet
  • My hope is once I can figure out the ‘when’ part (like with menstruation) then I can at least plan around it
  • Cos at the moment, the random-ness is fucking with Me feng shui hard core
  • The only emotional part I actually Like – is the Rage.
  • My goddess, I got some Rage!!

So, according to my trusty schedule lol, I’m in the pre-menstrual phase. Once this lot is done and dusted eek, I should have a better idea of what the blessed little hormones are actually doing.

Oh, btw, … Think I’m going to my douche bag doctors for any of this shit ..

Hell No!

Pretty sure biological women were dealing with this shit long before some old white dude decided we should be medicated and re-situated.

reconciling the hormones #5

  • bleeding like a stuck pig
  • bleh
  • not cool
  • actually roasting like a pig on a spit
  • hmmm bacon
  • well that digressed fast