decol & health

“don’t do self diagnosis” is the consistent hollah of mainstream ‘medical professionals’. howfuckingever,last check with that lot, & they adamant that shit isn’t connected, that in their fields, they deal only with the one thing .. & yah know what, that wreeks of colonisation BS & pretty much goes against who I am, how I live & how my tipuna lived. 
tis a violent reminder of why I don’t do westernised theory of any kind if I don’t have too. 
y’all so disconnected it makes a bitch sick.

a quick peri menopausal moan ..


yup shes still rolling.

& yah know, just when i think i got it sussed .. like, ah yes, thats a hot flush .. it will pass   ..   or, ah yes, that is the walls of my uterus flexing causing pain right down through my asshole, it will pass … or, my personal favourite .. ah yes, its a constipated bowel routine even though you had the shits a couple days ago .. it will pass .. LOL.

my fuck .. its never fucking ending .. & im trying to remember that all this biology helped birth beautiful babies etc etc .. *eye ball roll*

but some days i get the curve ball & today is one of them.

hot cheeks.

thats it. flushed as fuck hot ass cheeks.

nothing else.

& it feels like those bitches are on fire. so much so i thought i had a fever.

yup i checked all that & nope i dont.

finally googled & guess what comes up. thats right, peri fucking menopause.

i dont know how to settle uncomfortable hot ass cheeks down cos i aint ever had them. fuck.

lol, i mean in the big scheme of things, annoying hot cheeks isn’t really huge, other than the fact that they’re annoying.

so today im doing ice packs on the cheeks with a jersey on so the rest of me doesnt freeze ffs. & ima taking it easy.

*insert the usual*




been thinking a lot about my blogging friend Johanna.

i reckon, with all thats happening in the world right now, she woulda been right up in that grill, fist in the air, screaming for freedom.

I remember the first time i had a slightly heated, possible ‘disagreement’ with her in this realm lol. it was something i came appreciate deeply .. that she was never afraid of stating her perspective & listening to that of another.

on this particular occasion, she’d been to walmart i think it was (we dont have that here .. but a few crass equivalents lol) & she had been treated deploringly. she’d rounded off by stating that there was a prevalent ableist & ageist attitude which she had experienced there .. not the first time .. & was bound, to not be the last.

my rebuttal as such, was more out of offence for her, for having been treated that way. i came back with my usually .. ‘fuck walmart & make sure ‘we’ dont support them’.

as an activist, this is a powerful tool to wield.

however, i was surprised (at first) at her comeback. she quite abruptly noted that the ‘poor’ sometimes didn’t have the luxury of making a knee jerk reaction like that.

she broke it down thusly :

she lived in a small complex, it was cheap & generally unmaintained by the landlord. she had fought hard to find this place & while she was quite happy to take her landlord on, she was aware that her options, if she should be ejected from the property, were extremely limited .. actually NIL.

so from where she lived there were a handful of shops she could purchase her essentials from, walmart being one of them. out of those handful of shops, there were 2 she could afford to shop at. again, walmart being one of them.

i came back with the shopping online rhetoric (god, i cringe now ..) .. & she noted that her internet, as it was, was limited.

then she went into receiving ‘disability’ payments (as such) & what that looked like & that spending copious amounts of time and money on internet connections weren’t an option.

i came back with going to a library or mcdonalds where the wifi was free .. *eye ball roll* .. she came back with her limited mobility.

sweet geezus ..

we went back and forth like that for quite awhile.

from my end, i was trying to give options i thought she may not have thought of & aim for the whole empowerment gig. she, in all her aged wisdom, kept coming back, not with, negatives per se, but realities. & realities that i fucking completely understood.

in hindsight, i get now, she was trying to school my ass, gently. that while the ‘fuck the power’ part of me wasnt wrong, & was definitely passionate, & based in my own struggle .. i wasnt hearing her in her entirety. that her lived reality was more than 6 steps to freedom.

i think of this interaction often at the moment.

i’m well aware that my normal looks nothing like ‘most’, that my struggles are misunderstood by most, that my ‘working it out’ also looks way different than most.

and thats ok.

but for those that i love .. that are learning .. that are actually trying to understand .. i need to be a little more patient with them.

like she was with me.

i miss her.




what she .. was

@ 16, walking home from the ‘dance’, just like you had done a tonne of times before. 

& as you stroll down the road reminiscing on the events of the evening, the thrill of freedom that comes with dancing and singing, the rhythm & flow of the music ..

& you feel something hurting your head & then nothing.

you wake later, when its darker .. & you are bleeding. you feel woozy but cant recollect anything. youre sore all over. particularly around the genital area.

you get home & are told off for being late .. way too late .. reprimanded for the possibility of being ‘loose’ …

anyway, time goes by .. your aches & pains dissipate & then, your belly starts to swell. you periods have stopped & your mother is telling you you are getting fatter …

& you are sent away with your swollen belly.

cos girls like you aren’t welcome here ..

neither are your babies.

you have your baby.

& it is taken from you and adopted out .. well, given away.

post war .. you meet a man .. you are married .. you become pregnant.

you are happy and content & full of life .. this is a second chance .. to love ..

& when he is born ..

he isn’t breathing. 

you cry ..

& cry silently.

on & on.

then stop.

cos this is not the time for tears. this is no time to cry over spilt milk ..

time passes & you become pregnant again .. this time he is a healthy baby boy .. a beautiful bundle of love.

you sing to him, dance with him, love him fully & completely.

then another pregnancy & again,  youre filled with joy .. another child, another chance to give all the love that you have.

she is born and she is just as beautiful as you had imagined .. you dance and sing her songs .. rock her and cradle her .. love her to bits. 

& then life happens, as it does ..  in between all of that beauty .. & you have moments of immense sadness & grief .. 

you become pregnant again .. filled with the joy a mother feels when she desperately wants babies .. 

& then she is born.

& shes not breathing.

another. not breathing.

you cry. deep deep tears. the tears & grief that a mama feels when her babies are hurt, but this feels empty.

they take her. & bury her.

you dont speak of her again.

then, life. life continues.

the ups & the downs.

& you become pregnant again .. he is sick but he lives, & this is your last chance. so you love like no other.

then life. life continues.

& your living children dont love you like you thought they would.

your first grandbaby is adopted out.

& lifes heartbreak seems to be repeating itself.

but their are more grandchildren coming & life keeps going.

as do you.

you have so much love to give.

& with each heartbreak, you rise & continue to love.

and then ..

your first living son .. takes his own life.

& the world stands still.

well, it does for you.

you can feel your heart cracking & breaking & the blood flowing where only tears once flowed.

how do you mend?

how on earth do you mend.


so very slowly.

how do you keep on loving anything ??


i dont know .. but you did.


This is my Nans story. well part of it.

today i remember her & all her babies & all the never ending love she managed to give us all.

Love You Nan xx




keep ya head up ~ tupac

keep ya head up ~ tupac, 1993



remember that bitch?

the taker ..

the inserter ..

the drama creator.

she repeats her filthy vibe within my life.

over & over again.

but this time ..

i gonna kick her face in like i shoulda when i was a kid.

fuck you wendy.

kpm ©



doo wop ~ lauryn hill

doo wop – lauryn hill, 1998

ancestral dreams

we have multiple ancestors , watching, proud & protective.




be happy ~ mary j

be happy – mary j blige, 1994


hormone fuckery …


that’s it.

kpm ©




sweet dreams ~ eurythmics

sweet dreams ~ eurythmics, 1983


WOC have experienced censorship since the beginning of time.

we’ll always survive it, cos we know how too.

kpm ©



they can’t kill us. not ever.

kpm ©


happy motherfucking mothers day:

ok, small(ish) rant before i move on with the day:

in my motherfucking opinion, mamas (not gender specific) have been wiping tears, noses, asses & trying to ‘make it all alright’, alone, for far too fucking long. i cannot count the amount of mamas i have known that have turned themselves inside out, for hours, days, years … to make life ok, better, bearable for their kids. & all the while they shoulder the ‘i hate yous’, ‘youre a horrible mother’ & ‘you don’t understand me’s’, & watch / listen as the sperm donor gets a free fucking pass.

if your purpose in life was to replicate, & you’ve done that, then move the fuck on.
hanging around taking up space, leeching breathe & dropping false hope, is not the tahi.

you think your penis entitles you to discounts, subsides, and a side order of understanding with immeasurable forgiveness?

i dont fucking think so. that shit is way old & way done.








kpm ©


thought about my nan today,

actually i think about her most days, but today was a little different.

i had always wondered why she never left my grandfather when she appeared to be mostly (except for a few interim moments) pretty miserable.

they fought like cats & dogs & never really had anything nice to say to one another. they co-existed, or so it seemed.

they slept in different rooms & never really attended ‘functions’ together, like i saw other couples do.

there was always an air of animosity & tension.

poor old nan got the blame for most of that.

don’t get me wrong, i love both of my grandparents way beyond i love most things. but there things that my eyes & heart didn’t really understand.

as i become more ‘vocal’ & more of a feminist i suppose, my misplaced disdain for nan being in a situation she really didn’t like, made me question what she was up too.

why didn’t she just move on? start a new life? like my mama had when my father turned out to be a dick.

well, today i caught a glimpse of nans plight. i understood in a new way, why she didn’t or rather, couldn’t, ‘change’ her situation. it was something that i did know really, but not really really. lol. yah know when you really get the gist of something.

nan was a woman. a woman of the pre & post WW2 era. while she was fiercely independent & an entrepreneur & trailblazer of her era; she was limited.

because she was a woman.

where does a woman with no steady income – no ‘credentials’ – no ability to drive let alone purchase a vehicle – no ‘tribe’ that was accepting of her & her life choices (she married a man-of-colour, my grandfather, & was ostracised for it) – no alternatives – with declining mental health issues & daily challenges of small town living & generalised ‘woman misunderstanding’ – with a mouth that challenged the patriarchy @ every turn & was demonised for it.

where does that woman go when there is no where to go?

i guess i hadn’t really understood that sometimes, there is literally No Place To Go.

when that happens, you make a choice – a limited choice, but a choice none-the-less.

you remain in the situation that you know & that you can manoeuvre some type of freedom out of. as limited as that may be, it is better than the weighed up alternative – homelessness. aloneness.

today i understood her.

i understood her choices.

i admire her more than i think i have ever admired her before.

kpm ©




i learnt more about me, by watching season 10 of #DragRace,

than i did in fuck knows how many years of counselling.

wtf & thankyou Ru Paul.

kpm ©



tell him ~ lauryn hill

tell him ~ lauryn hill, 1998


update on the hormone un-fuckery.

that last couple periods, i’ve been mapping them a bit closer than usual. since the confirmation of good old peri-menopause, i decided more than ever, that i needed to get a grip on this whole embracing the ‘womanhood’ thing.

i think the first time i was given pain meds for periods, i was about 13. it was the doctors opinion that i was being OTT & that kick ass pain killers would fix everything.

its kinda a crime, i reckon, that something as natural as menstruating, is diagnosed as an illness & an inconvenience, & is then ‘shut up’ or shut down. am i surprised really though? after all i’ve learnt over the years.

womanhood is despised instead of celebrated.

they forget that without that uterus of ours, there’d be no life.

anyway …

with a fine tooth comb, i went over all the ‘symptoms’ that are usually quite unbearable, related to perioding & menopause, cos for me they’re quite similar, just magnified.

i decided awhile ago to go with the natural route re ‘treating’ symptoms. which is a bit fucking hard really.

again … its a lot easier to just shut it down.

so, during these phases, i have the following things to manage: oh, as well as fucking (p)tsd!

  • sore tummy
  • sore boobs … like gonna from off your chest kinda sore!
  • itchy rashes, usually on the lower back
  • sore glands
  • itchy eyes & nose – similar to hayfever
  • cough
  • generally run down
  • gums bleed
  • dizzy
  • hot flushes
  • irritability (more than usual)
  • tearful
  • nauseous
  • achey body
  • headache
  • extreme vertigo
  • memory loss
  • sinus ache
  • panic attacks
  • increased general anxiety
  • sore throat
  • heavy bleeding / clotting
  • insomnia
  • increased sensitivity to light, smells & noise
  • shingles

yeah. thats about it in a nutshell.

so i trolled the symptoms & then the internet to find solutions.

i’m pretty gangstah like that.

& heres what i came up with:

  • remifemin –  helps calm the hot flushes & irritability & as a side effect, also lessens the anxiety.

  • magnesium sleep cream with lavender – helps lessen the anxiety & insomnia & has a cooling effect.

  • raspberry leaf tea – helps with the uterus & tummy cramps. i’ve been adding this to my ‘tea’ concoctions during period times

  • caraway seeds added to brown sugar & hot water for nausea & tummy cramps.

  • whilst trying to flush / detox my system, i’ve been using nettle tea added to oat straw (for anxiety), ginger (for vertigo), & sage (for mood). i’ve also added in half an iron tablet just before my period & stop them 3 days after i finish.

so, what’s the results for moi?

fucking awesome!

i was skeptical AF, as usual: but i pretty much had nothing to lose.

& i’m happy to report that all that shit above, the symptoms, were either completed alleviated & / or halved.

how fucking grateful am i????


& thats all i have to say about that ;)

kpm ©


drugs for the pain.

i remember my uterus screaming @ me.

it should’a been screaming @ you yah cunt.

kpm ©