I lost my fucking shit. Smashed my phone, nearly smashed the wall and the window …
Not just angry but fed up. Know that feeling? When all the fucks in the world don’t make up for the several thousand not given over the shittone of years?
Yep. Well they all collided today, in one huge conglomerate of snot, tears, and near uncontrollable rage.
I felt hopeless. Helpless. And way the fuck over it.
What brought this fucker on?
Oh, I think it’s been brewing for awhile and just bubbled to over fucking flowing.
I grizzle (vent, whatever) on the regular about what got me to this point. That anxiety and panic are a fucking curse and pst(d) can go fuck itself … major depressive bullshit can go fuck itself as well btw …
I fucking try, try, try … to go with the fucking flow … handle myself, manage myself … resolve my fucking issues … do better, want better … blah de fucking blah.
But sometimes, when it all crumbles in front of my eyes and feels way to fucking much, the kicker, is that no cunt will or can pick me up … I am by myself. A blessing and a curse.
It’s the way its always been.
Not a nice word is ever given. A consolation or an encouragement. Maybe this is because thats been my life and is what I continue to choose … I’m really not too fucking sure.
I did the self soothe routine. It wasn’t pretty.
And I’m still coming down … out … off …
I want to run, but there aint nowhere to run too … and I’d probably break a hip or something in the process. I don’t have money. I don’t drive … but fuck that, I don’t have a car.
Nothing, but my life, is mine.
And this is where I feel my suicidal peeps. When you have nothing but your life, whether you continue to live it or not is YOUR choice. Sometimes your only choice and your only control over who you are. Or so it seems.
But don’t worry … I aint topping myself today.
So, I self-soothed … ish … music, mainly.
Then I found an old FB post I had done for my girls. But today I took it for myself.
It seems like there is no consolation from any cunt other than myself. Do I feel sad or bad for that? A bit. But I tell you what, I know that I am fucking better than any boot that has ever kicked me in the gutt.
I will always get up.
Not cos I have too. But because I’m too fucking stubborn to do anything else.
I was trying to find a meme to send to my girls, just to remind them of how gangstah they are … that they are strong women … that they are righteous mamas ... that everything they say and do, is good enough … that they don’t have to justify themselves, to anybody, anytime – especially not a man … that what they look like doesn’t define who they are … that rejection isn’t a slight on their character … that they needn’t beg to be noticed -by anyone … that everything they put out into the world, is enough … that they are not defined by any of their parents beliefs, views or mistakes … that because someone may have hurt them, doesn’t mean that they are someway deserving of that hurt … that even when shit turns to custard, they are still gangstah … that drinking to much, or swearing to much – how they conduct themselves in other words – is no-one elses business but their own … that the feeling of being unloved, is only a perception … that they are good enough, just as they are.
And you know what … all I could find was this crap meme. The type of crap that says women need to be asked by a man, healed by a man, loved by a man, defined by a man, characterised and affirmed, By. A. Man. And I thought in 2017 Women were defined as so much more than that! I’m not talking equality, because there is no way I want to be equal with a man. And I’m not talking male dissing – fuck knows my moko and nephews won’t be men that are ashamed of being men – or put women in some kind of subservient framework or position.
But those defining themselves as women – we really need to stop pinning all our hopes and dreams and emotions and ‘noble’ characteristics and conduct and misconduct and thoughts and intelligence …
On how we believe a man has .. viewed us, views us, given to us, didn’t give to us, wanted from us, took from us, broke us, mis-used us, degraded us, encouraged us, loved us, or Not loved us … we need to stop apologising for being Us and stop looking to them to make us feel better.
We are completely gangstah just because We are
Fuck knows being a woman is no easy feat and my girls are doing a fucking awesome job of being completely righteous human beings !
Blessings. Or something. Some positive shit. Yeah. Positive shit.