yeah yeah

ive spent 10 years trying to figure out ptsd, anxiety, stress & how to manage those fuckers.

it’s all been unsure.

it’s all been random and scary.

pretty much 2020 in a nutshell.


kpm©


thinkings ..

had this floating round in the grey matter for a few weeks but still find it quite difficult to string together a legible / literate sentence .. so it is what it is & will come forth as it needs to lol. proceed with caution & open mind as i have not edited of spell checked lol ;)

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been watching with interest the covid unfoldings & all the fuckery thats come with it. also all the shiftings & good shit thats come from it, cos yep, theres some amazingly good shit thats come from it all ..

here NZ, we are currently in level 3 which apparently consists of ‘staying home’, working from home, schooling from home, non contact sales, limited travel .. etc .. y’all can google the rest lol.

in level 4 it was supposed to be complete shut down of everything except essentials. made for interesting pondering on what & who was actually deemed fucking essential & who was not. i watched as peeps actually devolved into psycho panic stricken toilet paper buying freaks! & realised, these cunts have no idea how to stay home! they cant cook, they cant self soothe & have no internal direction other than OUT!

& for some strange ass reason, i felt a whole lot better & a whole lot more ‘normal’. turns out im not as fucked up as i had originally thought & that psych report or not, i had more idea of how to live in this environment than the rest of the world!

well go fucken figure ay.

but as the ‘threat’ to health has apparently dissipated slightly, the freaks have become emboldened. not america type emboldened, while they feel the need to protest the right to get a fucken haircut ffs .. but emboldened as in, here, they are quite happy to return to the way things were.

the way things were?

i’ll say this for our country .. we are resourceful & humorous which gets us through a lot of BS. we are also complacent & spoilt rotten.

we believe it is our right to live as we see fit, even if it isn’t good for the planet or people of families .. if we can drink our way through anything, than a pandemic is surely it!

now i get that we all gotta cope the BS somehow. but then we gotta move. we gotta move through it or we vegetate.

& all i can see at present is a whole heap of vegetative morons who have sobered up enough to get their asses back to work so they can … make money, pay bills, make bills, drink & make more money. in between all that a few well placed thought provoking memes will do .. but substance? fuck no.

& this is my dilemma of sorts.

if the world cant learn to stay off the mouse wheel after being pushed off’ve it, then what fucking hope is there?

case in point .. 2 days before we came out of level 4, residents here received notification that the forestry block to the the east of us would be sprayed with roundup. now most residents didn’t give a fuck cos thats the kind of people they are .. google it lol .. for me, i nearly cried .. aside from the fact that that shit is poisonous af & im a swarm of immune deficiency, with a badge lol .. i couldn’t help but think of what we as a society, have done to the earth (papatuanuku) over the years .. not out of necessity, but out of greed .. & that she was just beginning to breath again & we gonna go and fuck it all up.

we just cant help ourselves!!! & when i say we, i mean them .. i dont put myself in that category cos ive diligently & thoughtfully extracted myself from those cunty practices for the better part of a couple decades.

& add to the environmental pollution, the myriad of emails & notifications i been getting about supporting local businesses.

geezus.

my take on that is simple really.

if you were willing to assist me prior to the rona, in all ways i may have asked for assistance .. then i’ll continue supporting your business. if you didn’t, then you can go eat a fat one now.

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anyway ..

thats just me. me & my strain of thoughts.

its an interesting time to be alive.

all in all, im fucking grateful.

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kpm©


 

dreaming …

had a dream last night .. & like a tonne of us, sleep is abit of a ratchet buzz atm .. 

not sure why im sharing this here, but any who ..

its a remake of a recurring dream a use to have, but the other was usually in a different setting & involved my kids. it always left me with a wtf & slightly exhausted sensation.

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it started in an old 2 bedroom flat i used to live in. there was me, ex, his kids, & a few other randoms. all in there, squashed af but living their best lives lol .. & by that, i mean they were blissfully unaware of their surroundings.

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our surroundings, in a certain light, were what i deem disgusting.

the roof was mouldy, on top of that were a tonne of cobwebs. the walls were dripping with mould and water. there was rubbish everywhere & it had been moved into ‘piles’ randomly. the toilet had been blocked & their was literal shit all over the place but it had been unblocked but not cleaned up.

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after moving around the rooms i felt overwhelmed about cleaning it all up, cos it was too big. also it was near impossible to clean around everyone.

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then we were all in a new house. 3 story mansion type gig. beautiful big windows and plenty of space.

but the junk and filth just relocated. so the same feeling of being the only person in the house to actually see what sort of state it was in, was frustrating, boarder lining on fury.

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i said my piece .. finally.

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‘this shit is filthy .. we need to clean it up, get rid of the junk & reorganise the spaces so we can all cohabitate together’.

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and no shit .. in my dream .. i was told i was being negative & there was absolutely nothing wrong with our surroundings.

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i woke up frustrated af. 

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sooooo . . . i note this is exactly what it feels like watching the world implode atm.

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js.


kpm ©