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the end of birthday month.

the beautiful thing about birthday month, is its final day, is moko #3’s birthday.

she turned 10 today.

& she reminds me of everything the is good in the world.

everything that is right. just. perfect. bold. strong.

“happy birthday beautiful xx”


for me, this month has been full of learning curves. some were pretty sharp. some a little more subtle.

its quite something to be in control, & i mean real control, of yourself.

for some peeps, that’d be a given.

for someone like me: who has spent her life running from being controlled, its a very new thing, to be in control of myself.

i’ve spent years being numb. disassociated ‘they’ call it. & i haven’t disliked it @ at. in fact, it was my saving grace.

the head fuck came when i tried to return to the land of the ‘feels’.

& let me just say here: if you know someone who spends a tonne of time being disassociated – or You are that way … leave it be! there’s a fucking good reason your body & mind has tapped out. but believe me … You are still there … you’re just resting.

& thats a huge thing to realise, embrace, & then let go of.

being in control of Me: my body, my mind … my soul … is quite fucking liberating. full of head fucks left right & centre … but liberating none-the-less.

so, this is what birthday month has been a trial run of.

& i’ll be repeating it next year, fo’sure!!

but i’ve decided to blend some of what i gained … the confidence … the breath … the doing exactly what i want … into the rest of my year: the rest of my life.

i don’t know if i’ve explained it adequately but oh well. i’m kinda winging it.

so, Cheers … & see you on the flip side ;)


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today was cake day …

not cos it was actuals cake day, or my actual birth date …

but yeah, let me break it down:

as i’ve said, i’m doing birthday month, a new tradition for me.

& i can feel shit changing … not sure how to explain it entirely, so i’m not even going to try really … suffice to say … its good … its awkward … but its good.

so this weekend, i had 4 things left on my list of birthday shizz, that i wanted to do.

one was toasting marshmallows … i know, what a geek … but holy fuck i had fun! i was spose to them outside but it rained. & as much as i love the rain, do you know how hard it is to keep a fire going in the rain lol. so inside it was.

the trifecta!

& that was done whilst doing number two on my list:

Avengers: The End Game.

yes, i am a marvels geek & i embrace it whole heartedly!!! & what an ending … ps: i had tears lol!

moving on to saturday, the plan was to be in public, in the daytime, to get number 3 done … i had burgers to get.

i wrote a wingey little tale a week or so ago about not being able to go & get these burgers & how fucked up it is having pts(d); especially on days when yah really want to do something, but your body has other plans!

anyway, my burger cart returned to a semi-close vicinity so i took it as a sign from the goddesses, sucked my shit up, & decided to go. my end goal was 1 burger … anything after that was a bonus.

i did dark glasses & ear plugs & descended on the hood …

& guess what … i fucken did it!!!

dare i say, the worlds best burgers!

& every little bite felt like a fucking victory!!!

oh, & then i got coffee ;) not the worlds best-best coffee, but i wasn’t getting cocky … fuck i managed to order it & wait for it!

its was aight ;)

i did a couple low key shops after that & then started to feel jaded. overall though, i was pretty proud of me :)

sundays mish was the final thing on my list … & that was to make myself a banana birthday cake! i love banana cake <3 the thing with cakes & gifts & expectational shit, is sometimes it turns out to be a big fat disappointment. so birthday month was completely about doing, being & getting exactly what i liked & wanted.

so i made my own cake … & it was fucking gangstah!!!!

#boom! those are marshmallows with hot butter & brown sugar drizzled over top, with a topping of walnuts :)

my final surprise, which i think was amazing timing, was the arrival of a special gift from a special part of ‘my new tribe’. an amazing artist … a caring soul … & a beautiful friend xx this completely topped my day off!!

thankyou @gardengoddess , i love it <3

thankyou my friend … i love my scarf <3

so thats my weekend. i’m completely shattered but in a satisfied kinda way! couple more days till the end of the month & i am happy with all that i’ve ‘achieved’ & enjoyed.

i’ll explain in a couple days, a bit more about the significance for me, for all of this. until then .. i need to sleep.

love & loads of light to everyone x


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the backlog …

must say .. keeping up with the steez of birthday month has been challenging lol.

the struggle is real ;)

there was lunch & coffee with my beautiful mama xx

the food life ;)

seafood chowder … IKR!

there was prezzies … from me, myself & i lol & other pretty cool peeps x

my new blue jumpsuit x it looks better on lol

wooden bowl & coffee cups … oh yeah x

yes it is a cigar :)

& the pièce de résistance for moi:

i was given an entire range of ‘sensitive friendly’ facial / body products! holy fuck! i haven’t used a product that agrees with me in like, fucking years!!! & now i’ve found my match x

these are ab-solutely di-vine to use x

yeah, so thats the backlog.

kinda cool that i haven’t had time to post these, cos it means birthday month is turning out to be waaaayyyy more epic than i had anticipated & i’ll be definitely keeping this new tra-dish!

xx


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my stars & moon & a realisation.

i’ve been trying to do my first official ‘birthday month’ this month.

it’s something a person i know has done forever & i liked the sound of it, so wanted to give it a go.

tell yah what, it took a whole heap of stress off doing ‘birthday’ ‘day’. not that it was ever really overly stressful … but this year i felt more in control of it.

i’ll post more on the whole thing when this month is done … for now though …

part of my ‘doing what i want’ routine, included spending an evening with my eldest daughter: that in itself is hard for her, in different ways than me. they have 4 of my beautiful mokos & life is busy AF for her! taking 10 minutes to have a shit in peace is no easy thing, let alone spending an evening out of the house, with yah mama lol.

so i appreciated everything she did to make herself available. in my mind, that was her gift to me & i was extremely grateful.

but her & the fams gave me cupcakes too … bonus!!!

they’re those chocolate ones, that have gooey chocolate in the centre … OMG … they were divine!

as part of our evening out, i wanted to go & listen to this dude talk about astronomy & our cosmology surrounding the lunar calendar. now i knew it was a big thing, as in, it was going to be a crowded AF space … like 350+ people in a lecture theatre. but i booked tickets anyway & have worked on getting my shit together to get there.

“the usual routine.”

we had also decided to get this pizza @ a local restaurant & a large dose of coffee from another.

sooooooooo …. it didn’t quite work out as i’d planned … as either of us had planned actually.

both ‘sitters’ were late, which made us late for the astronomy thing.

positive note: i was calm. so was my daughter.

we got there 40 minutes late & when we got to the door we were greeted by 3 beautiful ladies who took us into the auditorium thing.

how-ever: once the door opened & i felt the heat, saw the crowd, smelt the smells & saw that the only seats available were way @ the back, or should i say right @ the top of a mountain of chairs … i knew i couldn’t do it. i backed out & told the last i had an anxiety disorder (short explanation) & that this wasn’t going to work for me.

sooooooo … they looked for an alternative.

now can i just say: that in all the years i’ve been battling & juggling pts(d) & its associated fuckery, i have never had a reception like this. not only were they polite, and curtious … they were caring!

one lady tried to find a back door to the auditorium & seating close to the door. bless her beautiful heart! she waited while i tried to manoeuvre the stairwell to the back door (& waited for over 15 minutes @ least) & finally i realised i wasn’t going to manage that either … well not without falling over anyways. i stood on the second set of steps (steep AF i might add) & had a quick discussion with my girl. i did my apologies & she could see i was struggling … & i decided that if i had a smidge of a chance to enjoy the rest of the evening, then this whole scenario was a no go.

so, again, i backed down the steps, very slowly, & those beautiful ladies got me a seat so i could sit down & get my breath. & then they just carried on as normal.

now, again: something else i’ve noticed throughout my pts(d)-ness, is peeps tend to do all sorts of awkward fuckery when confronted with someone who is clearly struggling. it is super super rare AF, to find someone, let alone 4 someones (1 being my beautiful daughter), who just caringly carried on, whilst making themselves ‘available’ to assist as i needed.

we sat there for about another 10 minutes. in that time, one lady came & sat next to me & says, ‘i get anxiety too, so i get it’; & she smiled. i nearly cried. but in the moment, it did something to my feng shui. something good.

i felt ‘normal’. empowered & normal & fully in control of my situation.

yah know how fucking rare that is too lol!!

my head cleared … & i stopped sweating like a rapist lol … & was able to make some clear decisions.

no, the auditorium wasn’t going to happen tonight. but we learned that this whole astronomy / star roadshow learning thing, would be done again. maybe next year. so we could try again then.

my ‘end goal’ of that part of the evening, was to buy the book this dude had written, & a cup lol. so i asked if i could do that, & they obliged & sold me both items earlier than they usually do. *goal achieved* ;)

i know, i know .. what a groupie lol

then i decided we’d leave. i thanked those those beautiful ladies for being so caring. i dont know that they really realised who much they had done for me.

yah know, a little kindness & not acting like a cunt, goes a very long way!!!

so me & my girl decided to go pizza-ing earlier. we’d chosen this particular place because my girl reckoned it wasn’t usually crowded.

well guess what. it was packed AF!!

by this stage we were both nervous but laughing cos this was just fucking typical really.

but we went in anyway. i did the earplug thang ;)

i managed to start ordering but cos it was so loud & so smelly (loads of people, smelly), i knew, again, sitting & waiting & then eating, was going to be hugely uncomfortable.

me & my girl had a little talk & decided to take away. so we ordered then left for half an hour.

& went to get the coffee we wanted! Yah!

all the while we’re walking & talking & its in the middle of town @ night, & i’m thinking … this is cool!!! this is way fucking better than sitting down in a crowded room & listening to someone talk for 2 hours … & way better than having to yell over everyone else to have a conversation … & as we strolled along … with a fresh coffee … heading back to get our pizza … i realised, that this … right here & now, was what my new lane looked like. & in a similar vein, my darling girl figured the same thing out for herself too.

we got back to the pizza place & i was actually able to sit & wait for another 10 minutes, for our order. no panic fucks to report here, but a few terrible selfies were attempted lol.

once we’d got our pizza, we sat in the park across the road .. which in hindsight, isn’t possibly the safest place for 2 women to be in the middle of the night .. & parked up on a bench seat like 2 lost souls, spread out our pizza, & ate like there was no tomorrow lol.

from left to right … ‘the godfather’ , ‘italian lover’ & the house special ‘dessert’ pizza!

the ‘park’ @ night x

it was an awesome night! 3 hours me & my girl sat there in the dark, watching the stars & the ‘night life’ & talking & laughing & yes, there were a few tears too lol.

my fuck, we needed that! i didn’t realise how much she needed it & this was exactly what i had been craving.

‘my normal’.

i’m actually grateful i couldn’t go into the auditorium & that i missed the stars lecture. i’m grateful the restaurant was packed.

i found something of me in all those ‘fuck-ups’ that i wouldn’t have found otherwise.

& it was a mixture of my old version of beautiful & my new version of ‘mindfulness’.

my beautiful x


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today was anzac.

i’m not feeling it. as pathetic as that sounds … i’m just not.

after the recent shooting that saw 50 peoples lives, end … that we, as a country, have been blatantly quick to forget …

i just aint feeling it.

dont get me wrong, i always remember what my grandfather did for this shitass country & i am eternally grateful for his sacrifice & the toll that it took on him & his family in the following years …

but he’s not walking this earth anymore.

nor are his compadres.

i remember him every day, not just on this day.

what they did won’t ever be forgotten by those that loved them.

not their country.

their country forgets way too quickly.

so,

today i decided to start my own ‘remembrance’. being a pts(d) retard & all, crowded spaces are one of my achilles heels. i’ve guilted myself for the past few years, trying to bust my ass getting to a dawn service.

today, i kissed that scenario goodbye.

instead, i did this:

i did nans version of ‘gunfire’ or a ‘hot toddy’ – hot coffee & rum. then i took it & my funky ass down to the beach & found 2 flowers, the same colour, but different; & did a bouquet that nan would be embarrassed of lol (she was a beautifully talented florist), said my ‘prayers of remembrance’ & set my bouquet afloat.

i love my nan & grandad like no other humans that have been in my life.

today i remembered both of their sacrifices, for a war that wasn’t theirs: for a war that still needlessly rages.


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making me a new lane …

#bnw #portrait #pieces


fuck

it, then, them, us, yours, ours, hers, his, togethers, whens, whys, whoms & all the other(s) shit.


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still a bit broken today … but

boom : i made 47 orbits bitches !


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sometimes …

sometimes, i get it.

i get why others ‘see’ me as they do. why they get confused & aren’t sure what ‘category’ their little brains should put me in, so that i am ‘relatable’.

i get why when it becomes too confusing, i’m ousted to the ‘too-hard-basket’.

i get why it’s easier to ignore my feng shui, than it is to acknowledge it even exists.

i get why i bust their algorithms & they hit the re-set button.

i fucking get it.

but …

is that all reason enough to de-value a motherfucker?

i don’t think so.

.

i was playing with the lighting for my photography the other day. i’m one of those ‘teach-thyself’ peeps you see. & what better subject to test my shizz on than myself lol.

anyway, after like 1,000 crapped out photos (ok, slight exaggeration!), i all of a sudden ‘saw’ it.

‘what did you see?’ i hear you ask LOL.

i saw ME.

& while i think i’m pretty normal (IKR), i got why i confuse ‘others’.

sitting on the ground, when there’s a ‘perfectly good ‘chair behind me …

in all black … as usual

no shoes … as usual

sporting my wu-tang t.shirt …

knitting …

with my recycled wool …

without a pattern …

with drumsticks instead of knitting needles … cos the knitting needles were too small & i’ll be fucked if i’m going to buy any more …

my brown-self, listening to ‘you’re mine’ by oscar & the wolf, through headphones cos it’s too loud at the moment …

drinking my distilled water …

and yes, i fucking got it!

i’m an irony. what would be ‘eclectic’ if i was to even be slightly categorised.

“an eclectic mental health mess.”

but i felt ok. all this made me feel ok. not great. not bad. just ok.

and yah know what … sometimes, ‘OK’ is all i really want.

so there yah have it … one of those ‘sometimes’ moments as explained by Moi.

*insert a huge ass eye ball roll lol*


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11 ks ay …

yep.

i managed to drive 11 ks out of our little town, right up to the main state highway.

see:

(shit photo i know, soz)

& when i got there, i was super proud of myself … of course lol & then …

i freaked out! big fat L O L. yep i had’a size 8 panic fuck cos i was excited cos i got that far;  which went to a 9.5 once i realised i hadn’t brought some of my ‘lessen-panic-fuck’ mojo with me & was starting to have a hot flush!

fuck me!

wtf the was i thinking!

however … upside is, obviously, i made it back!

i rang my mama whilst i was out there next to all the action lol, & told her how proud i was :)

so, she decided to come celebrate with me … coffee & cake of course!

i think that’s part of what got me home actually.

as proud as i was of my blelf, i learnt a few valuable lessons. one of course being, ‘double check yo bag bitch! before you leave the house!’ ; second …

as much as i want to be alright, i learned-did this day, that i’m not alright. not completely. & it’s gonna take a lot more small steps before i can drive freely.

when i got out to the main highway i was quite overwhelmed by all the noise & the movement of all the cars. the picture doesn’t portray that, but it was busier than what i was used too. & for all these years, i haven’t been able to navigate around all the extra noise & movement so have managed what i could. so, as i try to take more of all that stuff on again, its no wonder i felt overwhelmed.

i was absolutely fucking munted when i got home & ended up sleeping for like an hour!

even the following day, i slept in & felt like i had been run over by a fucking bus when i did wake up. i still feel a bit shattered actually, but am getting there.

good lesson learnt though. & a few exhausted moments are definitely worth it.

next time i’ll be more prepared.

yes there’ll be a next time. & little bit further afield <3


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ngaw, thanks WP …

i think i’ll forgive you for all the times you’ve screwed up my ‘liking ability’, or messed with the follow button, or sent me little notifications that you’ve switched something around, or you’ve just fucking switched shit around …

we are, after all, 4 years into this relationship …

lol.

nah, its been a ‘journey’ *adding deep flowy – earthing type music* …

& its been real yo !! xx


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