surreal .. is that what I feel. not sure. . seems to sum up the whole of this sitch_ation. . it feels familiar af. foreign af. heavy af. . i think i can hear my tipuna. the kuia i heard in the stars @ the start of this multifaceted fuckery. . i said i wanted to find her. & i heard a faint karanga. low & easy. . i thought that meant, physically, I’d find her. . but i don’t think that’s the dilly now. . sometimes I feel a scene unfolding through someone else’s eyes. i see water. not the ocean. ripples, & a gentle rhythm of paddles in the water. I hear twigs breaking. I smell wet dirt. I feel, right. at home. . pre white. pre invasion. pre. . ae. that kuia. as a kotiro, before they came & destroyed her world. . sometimes I can feel them all. all the kuia .. from all their lands. karanga @ the same time. loud & long .. piercing the night skies. sending shivers down the spines of all tane, living & dead. .
i have little faith in humanity. & No faith in the systems that have set themselves up to control my existence. i have no faith in a god that doesn’t hear and choses not to see. i have no faith in those that utilise that logic. . there is nothing in this present fuckery that would suggest that anyone has me & mine, best interests in mind. rather, they are more concerned about a collective that doesn’t exist and a lie rather than history & honesty.
but such is my history, no?
it’s taken a while to grieve, acknowledge & adjust.
& we both know it’s not done.
in amongst it all, i wait to hear you.
but you & I know that truth, right.
you know I weighed you up.
the options were similar to what is being presented atm. & the pressure and timeframe feels just as tight, jarring & triggering af.
but I keep waiting to hear you. waiting for you to tell me what to do.
like i’ve ever listened to anyone anyways living or dead .. but you know this, right.
i can feel the same angst i felt all those years ago. that still tails me when i feel pressure & coercion .. waiting for the analyst part of me to kill all my emotions & take the fucking wheel.
but you know that right.
do you remember me touching you .. well, holding the place where you grew .. just as your sibling had been a short while before.
you felt that ever present knot, that resides all up in that place, right.
you heard me scream from that place, right.
did you hate me then, or feel pity. knowing that my choice was going to be self preservation.
i knew, you knew.
how cruel is that ay.
i don’t know if I’ll ever make complete peace with my choices. or if I’ll ever not hate those that got me to that place. or if I’ll ever not feel that loathing you see in my eyes. feel in my soul.
I know you know I loved you. I know you know I could feel you leave.
Or did that happen to the both of us ay.
I also know you know I know you know, it should never have been that way .. but it was . It is.
I hope to hear you some day. Feel you, maybe.
Or maybe you know I know it hurts too much, so you don’t whisper at me.
i do feel the pitter patters of your teeny tiny feets on my chest though, trying to make it crack.
It hurts like fuck. But you know that, right.
& I am trying .. breathing. . . I’ve put you amongst your tipuna & your siblings .. neices & nephews.
I’ll leave you there for as long as you need.
well, as long as I need. . I love you. I always have. I always will. . . #babylossawareness #amethyst
there’s something quite soul crushing about, not just being told your a shit ass mother, true or not .. but having your mama – hood, forcefully removed. . & then to have your child / ren used as tools of coercion, is an entirely different kinda fuckshit.
Type of fuckshit that’ll opt for abortion. Type of fuckshit that’ll opt for sterilization over contraception. Type of fuckshit that will pre book a space in hell for the weilder of coercion. Type of fuckshit that would see the village burned to the motherfucking ground.
then i felt his soft hand tight on the back of my neck. it wound it’s fingers round my hair, anchoring me in place.
i grabbed the stroller with my free hand, the other grabbed the back of the anchored hand which had started dragging me, the stroller & my baby, down the road.
2 long streets toward home.
half stumbling. half gaining momentum.
it was a long enough drag to know there was gonna be damage done at the finish line.
It would be me. or my baby. that’s what i thought.
how did i get here. in a place where this was the choice.
& as i caught a half sight of baby in the stroller, i marvelled at how peacefully she slept.
i steadied the stroller.
the dragging got heavier & lower, making it harder to keep the stroller on all it’s wheels, as we got to the driveway of home.
well, what was supposed to be home anyway.
i started purposefully crying.
it was a distraction.
as he rose in height, feeling powerful in all his mightiness at what he in all his colonised glory, was accomplishing, he didn’t notice me swing the stroller round 360 & set it down in the opposite room to the kitchen.
shutting the door behind.
i took a deep breath.
as he lowered his now solid fist to the side of my face, my neck, my back, my shoulders .. i rose my arms up.
i had stopped crying.
& i waited.
waited for him to finish. he’d get bored soon. or hungry. or thirsty. & he’d make a dramatic exit.
but my girl would wake soon.
lord, don’t let her wake now. don’t let her cry now.
waiting. & wondering. why noone came out of their pretty houses. why noone came to the door. why noone. came. again.
My tears are thick My body, irritated. Muscles, they ache. My chest is heaviness. Down to under my ribs, it heaves. Throbs. Screams. But silently. My stomach knots. Tight, like my fists. My thighs. My calves. All recoiled. Solid.
“having been systemically let down by every institution & way of being that them cunts have ever dreamed up or destroyed .. my job now is .. to live the best indigenous affirming, calming & gentle life .. doing exactly whatever the fuck I please. that’s it.”
yah know how I been talking randomly about shit being hard, good shit I mean .. being hard to do when you in a state of panic or anxiety .. & that loving something enough to want to be doing it is like, level zero. cos you been wired to be picking up on multiple threats or deal with multiple layers of anxiety and trauma, all at once? well … it kinda pissed me off .. & got me thinking. what do I love. love enough to want to be doing all the time. not a job. but a thing, what you call it .. a hobby .. anyways .. after thinking a lot a lot one night lol the only thing I could come up with that I absolutely loved .. have always loved .. was, music. specifically, playing music. & as lame ass as it seemed at first lol I’m gazing round my room, looking at my records, & staring at my decks, & pondering on the meaning of motherfucking life and existence lol & there it was. my love. the thing I’ve always loved. playing music. then I got nervous .. groan. & my head says .. ‘you suck at playing those’ ..
& instead of entertaining that thought process, my insides said .. ‘fuck up. she been busy surviving & now she got time to do whatever the fuck she wants to in whatever capacity she wants.’
so that’s what I’m doing.
going through all my records. figuring out which ones I love. trying to mix them. changing the BPM cos I didn’t know what I was doing way back when. listening. smiling. listening some more.
guess what. I love it. dunno for how long. dunno if it’s something I’ll do forever. but .. if I died tomorrow. I’d be happy with what I’ve discovered.
“yo .. thanks, for not trying to ‘lighten the mood.’ . . if the whole child / sexual assault tip, has upheaved shit for yah, start by talking to someone .. anyone .. that you trust. . ive put a link in the bio for nz peeps. they have resources & assistance for this sorta shit or can link you to the resources yah might need, whatever part of the process you at. for other countries im gonna suggest also looking at wellstop resources & then googling something similar for your country of residence. . . healing is painful af, but so is pretending it didn’t happen or wasn’t that bad … now is the time. breathe deep. you survived & next moves will require the same amount of resilience .. but focussed on more than survival. the time for protecting rapey abusers is way the fuck over. taking care of / healing You / Us is number 1 priority. healing You / Us, helps heal / prevents nek gen havoc. . . if u know of a child / ren being hurt, speak out on their behalf .. for the love of all things decent, don’t be a silent bystander. that shit is old af & has no place in the world we trying to make for our nek gens. . . ps : thanks for being here ✊ . . & that concludes birthday month .. ake ake amene. . also #FTP ” . . . . . . . . #bnw #bnwpolaroid #polaroid #bnwmood #bnw_mood #bnw_diamond #bnw_globe #bnw_planet #bnw_rose #noirlovers #hitamputihphotography #noirstreet #street_leaks #streetoftones #streetizm #streets_unseen #noirstreetlife #bnwmacro #lensculture #lensonstreets
“fyi: there ain’t no such thing as ‘if I/you just’ .. .. take enough vitamins .. pray to the right gods .. move my self differently .. approach with more .. mind what i say .. do what they suggest .. . it is literally ‘the skirt was too short’ syndrome way of living life, & it’ll steal everything that is left of your soul if you let it.” . . . . . . . . #bnw #bnwpolaroid #polaroid #bnwmood #bnw_mood #bnw_diamond #bnw_globe #bnw_planet #bnw_rose #noirlovers #hitamputihphotography #noirstreet #street_leaks #streetoftones #streetizm #streets_unseen #noirstreetlife #bnwmacro #lensculture #lensonstreets
“i am begining to have the most profound-est respect for what my body has carried & endured. i honour it by .. living well.” . . . . . . . . #bnw #bnwpolaroid #polaroid #bnwmood #bnw_mood #bnw_diamond #bnw_globe #bnw_planet #bnw_rose #noirlovers #hitamputihphotography #noirstreet #street_leaks #streetoftones #streetizm #streets_unseen #noirstreetlife #bnwmacro #lensculture #lensonstreets
“me & me body have endured detrimental encounters, moral judgement, physical invasion & unwelcome damnation, for a very, very .. very long time. left to fend or defend, my body remembers that shit. hence it’s ever present caution. yes, my body remembers well. & has learned well .. I see it. Feel it. Take note. & take precautionary motherfucken measures. if an experience should turn out to be a pleasant one. churr. that can go toward the count & i will reminisce on the pleasantness. yeah. but until that balance is balanced balanced … I will remain forever cautious.” . . . . . . . . #bnw #bnwpolaroid #polaroid #bnwmood #bnw_mood #bnw_diamond #bnw_globe #bnw_planet #bnw_rose #noirlovers #hitamputihphotography #noirstreet #street_leaks #streetoftones #streetizm #streets_unseen #noirstreetlife #bnwmacro #lensculture #lensonstreets