so was it all that i expected?


& more.

photography & art @kpm-artist 



next year?

i got shit to do.


photography & art @kpm-artist 



& 2018 is nearly a wrap.

from a friends fb post:

Keanu Reeves writes.. “My friend’s mom has eaten healthy all her life. Never ever consumed alcohol or any “bad” food, exercised every day, very limber, very active, took all supplements suggested by her doctor, never went in the sun without sunscreen and when she did it was for as short a period as possible- so pretty much she protected her health with the utmost that anyone could. She is now 76 and has skin cancer, bone marrow cancer and extreme osteoporosis.
My friend’s father eats bacon on top of bacon, butter on top of butter, fat on top of fat, never and I mean never exercised, was out in the sun burnt to a crisp every summer, he basically took the approach to live life to his fullest and not as others suggest. He is 81 and the doctors says his health is that of a young person.
People you cannot hide from your poison. It’s out there and it will find you so in the words of my friend’s still living mother: ” if I would have known my life would end this way I would have lived it more to the fullest enjoying everything I was told not to!”
None of us are getting out of here alive, so please stop treating yourself like an after thought. Eat the delicious food. Walk in the sunshine. Jump in the ocean. Say the truth that you’re carrying in your heart like hidden treasure. Be silly. Be kind. Be weird. There’s no time for anything else.”

& that is how i feel about 2018.

i set goals. goals i achieved.

to the naked eye, they may look lame AF & not even ‘goal worthy’, but believe me when i say, this was some hard shit to do. from actually making ‘achievable’ but negotiable goals, and being alright with that … to planning for each thing and making sure my feng shui was respected & maintained @ all times LOL

i did the epic fail on some of them … like taking way to many anti-anxiety meds for one of the kids ‘gatherings’ & only remembering part of the actually event the following day … too having to take my funky ass outta the situation for a giant panic attack & hissy fit & howly bag really, & then having to return to the situation; one occasion, still in tears.

it meant explanations & no explanations.

they stretched me. made me tired. gave me a tonne of panic fucks. they messed with my feng shui & fucked up my body.

but i did them.

not cos i had to. but because i wanted too. i wanted to get my shit done. i wanted to build on each thing & do more. i wanted to get to the end of this year knowing that i had done what i set out to do.

& i did.

i don’t regret any of the ‘how’ i managed my shit, cos sometimes, it just was not pretty lol.

but i still fucking got it done.

& i think thats been my biggest lesson this year.

that sometimes its not how we plan it. its not what we think it will be. its not how we design it in ours heads.

& there is no right or wrong way to get that shit done. cos when its done, its done!

so here’s to achieving shit. heres to jobs well done.

heres to me ;)

i’m pretty proud of me!





photography .151

#driftwood #bnw #macro #photography #photographer #kpm©

photography & art @kpm-artist 



photography .150

#beach_life #aotearoa #bnw #photography #photographer #kpm©

photography & art @kpm-artist 





yesterday i found myself listening to someone i love, unravel. i knew what was happening. they weren’t completely aware.

this strong, beautiful soul, was having a full scale panic attack, teetering on the point of foetal position. not quite, but nearly there.

i was surprised i recognised it so quickly. i was pleased i was able to talk them through it … gently. i was sad that i needed to talk them through it. i was also slightly relieved: that this is the beginning of something better for them.

photography & art @kpm-artist 



unfucking thyself 101.129




Homai to Aroha



so, i’ve decided to work on ‘feeling’ … not emotional shit (unless it should make an appearance), but physical feeling.

a little while ago i realised that due to being a disassociated twat for my entire life, & for good reason, part of my present anxiety, can be related to new sensations.

i’ve talked about this before: that i can’t tell the difference between certain sensations the absence of emotion & feeling has produced a lack of knowledge in the whole ‘feeling’ realm.

anyway … today i decided to start small so i lay out in the sun in our back yard. which is actually big for me, cos i don’t really like the sun or the heat.

so, on our back lawn (on a blanket of course, cos grass makes me itchy – yes, i was one of ‘those’ kids @ school lol) in my shorts & boob tube (probably not a very nice sight for the neighbours, but who gives a fuck ay … this is life changing shit right here ;) ), this is what i noticed:

the suns heat is hotter on the back of my hand,

as opposed to my palm. now i’m no scientist, but i’m guessing thats cos the palm is more ‘used’ therefore heartier, if yah get my drift.

i also noticed the sensation of the wind & the heat from the sun on my skin & even on my hairy ass legs. that was a strange sensation, feeling the 2 things in unison.

& lastly, i’m pretty sure my boobs used to be bigger than my tummy??? not sure when that happened so thanks a bunch gravity & hormone fuckery.

but, i am embracing it all.

oh, & i noticed all my stretch marks & scars. & for the first time, i felt proud :) us women are so used to covering up our birthing marks & putting our bodies through so much shit so we ‘look’ a certain way. fuck that i say! those days are waaaay over!

so this round of ‘mindful desensitisation’ was a success i reckon ;)

photography & art @kpm-artist