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& i waited ..

having exercised my right to say NO.

i felt the fear rise instantly.

then i felt his soft hand tight on the back of my neck.
it wound it’s fingers round my hair, anchoring me in place.

i grabbed the stroller with my free hand, the other grabbed the back of the anchored hand which had started dragging me, the stroller & my baby, down the road.

2 long streets toward home.

half stumbling.
half gaining momentum.

it was a long enough drag to know there was gonna be damage done at the finish line.

It would be me.
or my baby.
that’s what i thought.

how did i get here.
in a place where this was the choice.

& as i caught a half sight of baby in the stroller, i marvelled at how peacefully she slept.

i steadied the stroller.

the dragging got heavier & lower, making it harder to keep the stroller on all it’s wheels, as we got to the driveway of home.

well, what was supposed to be home anyway.

i started purposefully crying.

it was a distraction.

as he rose in height, feeling powerful in all his mightiness at what he in all his colonised glory, was accomplishing, he didn’t notice me swing the stroller round 360 & set it down in the opposite room to the kitchen.

shutting the door behind.

i took a deep breath.

as he lowered his now solid fist to the side of
my face,
my neck,
my back,
my shoulders ..
i rose my arms up.

i had stopped crying.

& i waited.

waited for him to finish.
he’d get bored soon.
or hungry.
or thirsty.
& he’d make a dramatic exit.

but my girl would wake soon.

lord, don’t let her wake now.
don’t let her cry now.

waiting.
& wondering.
why noone came out of their pretty houses.
why noone came to the door.
why noone.
came.
again.

& i waited.
& waited.


kpm©

Image

is ..

My tears are thick
My body, irritated.
Muscles, they ache.
My chest is heaviness.
Down to under my ribs, it heaves.
Throbs.
Screams.
But silently.
My stomach knots.
Tight, like my fists.
My thighs.
My calves.
All recoiled.
Solid.

And that is it’s existence.

Trying to be gentle with myself, is like ..
Like.

A bad fucken joke.


kpm©

Image

& because

It’s my body.
Mine.
Not yours.
Not theirs.
It’s.mine.

Everytime some whim of ‘you should’ crosses my ear holes ..
My body is now literally decided to noticeably Object.
By noticeably.
I mean.
I’m noticing it.
Actually.

All I feel, when the uncomfortable sensation dissipates ..
Is, awe.

That she felt, held, screamed, cried, breathed, survived .. for so, muthafkn long.


kpm©

Image

psa

long term child sexual assault often gets referred to as an abusive ‘realtionship’.
it’s not.
i repeat.
it.is.not.


kpm©

Image

.. &

“having been systemically let down by every institution & way of being that them cunts have ever dreamed up or destroyed .. my job now is ..
to live the best indigenous affirming, calming & gentle life .. doing exactly whatever the fuck I please.
that’s it.”

.

.

#reality
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#bnw
#bnwpolaroid
#polaroid
#bnwabstract
#bnw_drama #bnw_diamond
#bnw_globe 
#bnw_legit
#bnwmood
#bnw_mood
#noirlovers
#noiretblanc
#bnw_planet
#bnw_rose
#bnw_society
#bnw_world
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet
#noirstreetlife
#lensculture
.
#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
.
#kpm©

Image

& ..

“yah know, eventually we won’t be here ay.”


kpm©

Image

& then there was this ..

yah know how I been talking randomly about shit being hard, good shit I mean .. being hard to do when you in a state of panic or anxiety .. & that loving something enough to want to be doing it is like, level zero. cos you been wired to be picking up on multiple threats or deal with multiple layers of anxiety and trauma, all at once?
well …
it kinda pissed me off .. & got me thinking.
what do I love.
love enough to want to be doing all the time.
not a job.
but a thing, what you call it .. a hobby ..
anyways ..
after thinking a lot a lot one night lol the only thing I could come up with that I absolutely loved .. have always loved .. was, music.
specifically, playing music.
& as lame ass as it seemed at first lol I’m gazing round my room, looking at my records, & staring at my decks, & pondering on the meaning of motherfucking life and existence lol
& there it was.
my love.
the thing I’ve always loved.
playing music.
then I got nervous .. groan.
& my head says .. ‘you suck at playing those’ ..

& instead of entertaining that thought process, my insides said ..
‘fuck up. she been busy surviving & now she got time to do whatever the fuck she wants to in whatever capacity she wants.’

so that’s what I’m doing.

playing music.

going through all my records. figuring out which ones I love. trying to mix them. changing the BPM cos I didn’t know what I was doing way back when. listening. smiling. listening some more.

guess what.
I love it.
dunno for how long. dunno if it’s something I’ll do forever.
but ..
if I died tomorrow.
I’d be happy with what I’ve discovered.

Yeah.
that’s it.


kpm©

Image

ps

they went.

they hung out.

they coming home.


kpm©

Image

some days ..

#contortion
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#bnw
#bnwpolaroid
#polaroid
#bnwabstract
#bnw_drama #bnw_diamond
#bnw_globe 
#bnw_legit
#bnwmood
#bnw_mood
#noirlovers
#noiretblanc
#bnw_planet
#bnw_rose
#bnw_society
#bnw_world
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet
#noirstreetlife
#lensculture
.
#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
.
#kpm©

Image

current reads ..

#bnw #polaroid #photo by
#me

kpm©

Image

.. ..30

“yo .. thanks, for not trying to ‘lighten the mood.’
.
.
if the whole child / sexual assault tip, has upheaved shit for yah, start by talking to someone .. anyone .. that you trust.
.
ive put a link in the bio for nz peeps. they have resources & assistance for this sorta shit or can link you to the resources yah might need, whatever part of the process you at. for other countries im gonna suggest also looking at wellstop resources & then googling something similar for your country of residence.
.
.
healing is painful af, but so is pretending it didn’t happen or wasn’t that bad … now is the time. breathe deep. you survived & next moves will require the same amount of resilience .. but focussed on more than survival. the time for protecting rapey abusers is way the fuck over. taking care of / healing You / Us is number 1 priority. healing You / Us, helps heal / prevents nek gen havoc.
.
.
if u know of a child / ren being hurt, speak out on their behalf .. for the love of all things decent, don’t be a silent bystander. that shit is old af & has no place in the world we trying to make for our nek gens.
.
.
ps : thanks for being here ✊
.
.
& that concludes birthday month ..
ake ake amene.
.
also #FTP ”
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#bnw
#bnwpolaroid
#polaroid
#bnwmood
#bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond
#bnw_globe
#bnw_planet
#bnw_rose
#noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet
#street_leaks
#streetoftones
#streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife
#bnwmacro
#lensculture
#lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
.
#birthdaymonth
.
#kpm©
.
.
“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”

Image

.. 29

“fyi: there ain’t no such thing as ‘if I/you just’ ..
.. take enough vitamins
.. pray to the right gods
.. move my self differently
.. approach with more
.. mind what i say
.. do what they suggest ..
.
it is literally ‘the skirt was too short’ syndrome way of living life, & it’ll steal everything that is left of your soul if you let it.”
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
#bnw
#bnwpolaroid
#polaroid
#bnwmood
#bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond
#bnw_globe
#bnw_planet
#bnw_rose
#noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet
#street_leaks
#streetoftones
#streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife
#bnwmacro
#lensculture
#lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
.
#birthdaymonth
.
#kpm©
.
.
“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”

Image

.. .28

“i am begining to have the most profound-est respect for what my body has carried & endured. i honour it by .. living well.”
.
.
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.
.
#bnw
#bnwpolaroid
#polaroid
#bnwmood
#bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond
#bnw_globe
#bnw_planet
#bnw_rose
#noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet
#street_leaks
#streetoftones
#streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife
#bnwmacro
#lensculture
#lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
.
#birthdaymonth
.
#kpm©
.
.
“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”

Image

. . . 27

“simplicity is my safe space.”
.
.
.
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.
.
.
#bnw
#bnwpolaroid
#polaroid
#bnwmood
#bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond
#bnw_globe
#bnw_planet
#bnw_rose
#noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet
#street_leaks
#streetoftones
#streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife
#bnwmacro
#lensculture
#lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
.
#birthdaymonth
.
#kpm©
.
.
“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”.

Image

.. 26

“me & me body have endured detrimental encounters, moral judgement, physical invasion & unwelcome damnation, for a very, very .. very long time. left to fend or defend, my body remembers that shit. hence it’s ever present caution.
yes, my body remembers well. & has learned well .. 
I see it.
Feel it.
Take note.
& take precautionary motherfucken measures.
if an experience should turn out to be a pleasant one. churr. that can go toward the count & i will reminisce on the pleasantness. yeah.
but until that balance is balanced balanced …
I will remain forever cautious.”
.
.
.
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.
.
#bnw
#bnwpolaroid
#polaroid
#bnwmood
#bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond
#bnw_globe
#bnw_planet
#bnw_rose
#noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet
#street_leaks
#streetoftones
#streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife
#bnwmacro
#lensculture
#lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
.
#birthdaymonth
.
#kpm©
.
.
“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”

Image

…. .25

“& they all came home with pts(d) & lived traumatically ever after ..”.
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.
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.
#bnw
#bnwpolaroid
#polaroid
#bnwmood
#bnw_mood
#bnw_globe
#bnw_planet
#bnw_rose
#noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet
#street_leaks
#streetoftones
#streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife
#bnwmacro
#lensculture
#lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
.
#birthdaymonth
.
#anzac
.
#kpm©
.
.
“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”.

Image

. . . ..24

“imagine if the response to children being harmed, was as organised, easy & efficient, as selling off #stolenland.”
.
.
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.
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.
.
#bnw
#bnwpolaroid
#polaroid
#bnwmood
#bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond
#bnw_globe
#bnw_planet
#bnw_rose
#noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet
#street_leaks
#streetoftones
#streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife
#bnwmacro
#lensculture
#lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
.
#birthdaymonth
.
#kpm©
.
.
“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”

Image

… 23

“to be entirely ignored, is a special nek level kinda fuckery.”
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.
#bnw
#bnwpolaroid
#polaroid
#bnwmood
#bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond
#bnw_globe
#bnw_planet
#bnw_rose
#noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet
#street_leaks
#streetoftones
#streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife
#bnwmacro
#lensculture
#lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
.
#birthdaymonth
.
#kpm©
.
.
“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”.

Image

. .. .22

” .. ‘why would you do that to a child?’ ..
DMX.”
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid
#polaroid
#bnwmood
#bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond
#bnw_globe
#bnw_planet
#bnw_rose
#noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet
#street_leaks
#streetoftones
#streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife
#bnwmacro
#lensculture
#lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
.
#birthdaymonth
.
#kpm©
.
.
Rest in the utmost power & love Ma’Khia Bryant. 
.
.
“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”

Image

.21

“expose them rapey rellys. they ain’t nothing but dead weight reaking havoc. they need to go.”
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#bnw
#bnwpolaroid
#polaroid
#bnwmood
#bnw_mood
#bnw_diamond
#bnw_globe
#bnw_planet
#bnw_rose
#noirlovers
#hitamputihphotography
#noirstreet
#street_leaks
#streetoftones
#streetizm
#streets_unseen
#noirstreetlife
#bnwmacro
#lensculture
#lensonstreets

#maori #photographer
#artist #tutu
#linguistic #truth #seeker
#etcetera
.
#birthdaymonth
.
#kpm©
.
.
“April is Child Abuse / Sexual Violence Awareness Month. Yeah it’s some fucked shit that this is even a thing. But it is.
So theres a link in my bio, for you to donate to Sensible Sentencing Trust NZ, or Google something similar in your country. The kids being fucked over would thank y’all, if they weren’t so busy with being fucked over.”.